So frustrated about DD I could cry

[conecrosoooo]

A bit of a rant here but also would appreciate advice. Me and my DD18 have come to mutual decision that she cannot live here anymore. She is a nightmare. Rude, mouthy, arsehole boyfriend who has no respect for my house. Spoilt and constantly mithering for money. She makes me depressed. My 7yo is terrified of the boyfriend because he is so vile.

I do not want to throw her out on the street. Isn’t interested in uni and left college the day she turned 18. She has 2 part-time jobs and makes around 900 a month give or take.

We are in an expensive area. She needs to remain local for her jobs, they are evening/night based and I want her to be able to get home quickly and also be near enough to call me for lifts home because sometimes she will be finishing at 1am. She does not want a houseshare or to have to share a bathroom. We looked at a bedsit with a bathroom share earlier this week and she was put off when she saw she’d have to share her bathroom with a middle aged man, and I don’t blame her. The cheapest place where she will have her own bathroom I’ve found is a converted office flat at £650pm. I’ve done a quick calculation of what I reckon all of her bills plus rent would be (I think I’ve accounted for everything including her car but she is still a learner so the insurance will skyrocket once she passes but I’ve not added the increase to the budget) and I think she’d need £1100 monthly.

I believe she’ll get some housing benefit but I don’t know how much. We’ve got a viewing at the flat on Monday but I don’t know if she stands a cat in hell’s chance of being approved. It is a special scheme where a deposit isn’t needed. I can afford maybe £200 a month to top her up but even that is pushing it. In a different part of our county she’d get a similar flat for 30% less per month but would have to quit her other 2 jobs, find a new more local one, be stuck with me for months on end when we’re already at each other’s throats. It’s so frustrating.

If she remains living here we will end up bloody killing each other but I also am trying my best to support her.

Have you told him clearly why you find him intimidating?
What the house rules of your house are? Maybe they are very different to his
If you have explained and he has made no effort. Tell him clearly he is not allowed or welcome in your house, whether you are there or not.
If he disobeys -
Tell him you will call the police - or get a non molestation order out against him if he does so again
If he does, do it
You need to clearly explain your needs and wants. If they don’t listen you need to act to protect your child

How about telling DD he can not be there with that behavior, or police will be called.
It's your house.
She can bitxh all she wants, or leave, and have a shared bathroom.
She's going to be a nightmare anyways, you may as well be standing up for your son , and yourself, while it happens.

What about if she can stay but give her targets to improve hers and her bd behaviour? I know that’s what we do for younger kids but if she needs cash and you need a calm house then it might be a solution .. I’m sorry you’ve got so much stress and can’t even feel safe and relaxed in your own home all of the time . The drug talk would be enough to get him banned from me - awful

Your daughter needs a heavy dose of reality and you shielding her from it is doing her no favours. Give her a date by which she has to leave, by all means help her look etc, you’re not cutting her off and tell her in the meantime if bf comes to your house then she’s out on her arse. And if you see him you are calling the police.

Stop faffing around and assert your authority. You can do that and still be loving and nurturing, just have hard boundaries.

She may appreciate what she's got if she realises what it's actually like out in the real world

As your daughter is under 35 she will only get the LHA rate of housing benefit which is enough for a shared house. This amount will be deducted depending on her wages.
With universal credit 63p gets taken out for every £1 you earn. So she needs to be realistic about where she is willing to live.

@conecrosoooo

She was okay with the idea of a bedsit or flat share but after the initial bedsit visit where we saw that the adjoining bedsit was a middle aged man who she’d have to bathroom-share with, she outright refuses to even consider it.

I don’t blame her for not wanting that particular one but she refuses to consider any at all now!

I think maybe I’ll just have to take her to the viewing tomorrow and let her find out for herself it’s impossible.

I need her gone though, I can’t bear it any longer.

She outright refuses to consider it? What does that even mean?

This is where you have to lay down how it's going to be, and you don't take no for an answer.

Real life is a wake up call for a lot of kids. She's 18 and unfortunately she has outstayed her welcome at her house through her (and her boyfriend's) vile behaviour.

Unfortunately, she's going to have to consider it. Of course she doesn't have to take the place where she shares with a middle-aged man, but there will be other places with younger people, and she has to look.

You deal with this by making it non-negotiable. Stop spoiling her. Everyone has to share to start with these days.

You put a deadline on it - she is no longer welcome at your house from X date - by which point if she doesn't have a place, she will be on the street. And yes you have to be willing to follow through with that.

(She would not actually be on the street ever, btw, because there are supported accommodations for 16-25 year olds who have been kicked out of their parents' place/ are homeless for whatever reason. She would go to one of those.)

should say... *she has outstayed her welcome at her MUM's house

OP, she is going to stay for as long as she can and find every excuse in the book not to leave.

The reason is because she is more comfortable with you, at home, than she will be anywhere else.

There will always be something she doesn't like about every place you view, and some reason not to move out.

You really have to take charge here and force it, and yeah it's going to involve seeing your child go through some discomfort and probably hate you for a little while, which won't be easy.

But if you don't do it and follow through, you'll never get your peace.

Put a deadline on it - I suggest 2 months, long enough to look but short enough to have a little pressure. After that, it's non negotiable - she leaves, whatever the sitation and whatever she's found, even if it's not perfect (and I can guarantee it won't be, but she has to suck it up).

In your position I would be quite worried about DD.

What is her relationship like with this guy? Is he controlling? Is she also trapped in a situation she can't get out of?

It's all well and good wanting her to move out so that you can get away from him - but does she need to get away from him, too?

Are there any services involved with your daughter around drugs, relationships, mental health?

@onelittlefrog

In your position I would be quite worried about DD.

What is her relationship like with this guy? Is he controlling? Is she also trapped in a situation she can't get out of?

It's all well and good wanting her to move out so that you can get away from him - but does she need to get away from him, too?

Are there any services involved with your daughter around drugs, relationships, mental health?

I was about to say the exact same, that your daughter could end up in a really vulnerable position.

Well, she will have to lower her expectations then and share!

This sounds very familiar. Have you posted several times about dd before and your partner/spouse is not her dad but he is dad to younger child and you spoke of preferring when it was just you partner/spouse and younger child?

If that is the same poster the situation isn't quite as you have portrayed here there's a lot more background.

In terms of accommodation has she put word out among her friends? They may know of somewhere or perhaps even one of them would get a place with her?

I was a lodger at the age of 17 in a house full of builders! Shared a bathroom with one of them they all treated me perfectly nicely but it is a risk.

She could look for women only places or a room with an en suite where have you both been looking?

You can't fix this for her. You imagining that you can shows that you are still in rescue mode.

Look up Karpman's drama triangle. Read up on it, absorb it, accept you're in it then make conscious efforts to step out of it. Once you've stepped outside the 🔺 you will realise that:

1. Your daughter is an adult in training. She will be an infuriating mix of mature and bratty
2. Railing against you is not about you, it's about her need to separate as an adult. It's normal for parents to find this part excruciating.
3. If she is rude or otherwise socially unacceptable towards you/the family/in the home, she must leave. That is the bottom line
4. No of course she won't want to rent an ugly bedsit and share a bathroom with old men but that, right now, is her other option. Alternatively she could behave respectfully at home or get a FT job. That's life.
5. The best thing you can do for her is to stop enabling her crap and introduce her to the real world. Either she stays, pays and behaves, or she's out and paying her own way.

As for the rude boyfriend, it's non negotiable, he is not allowed in your home. You have to keep yourself and the rest of the family safe and that includes keeping dropkicks out. Just because he arrives on the arm of your daughter is no reason to let him in.

You are the parent, in the nicest way possible: buck up. Ban the boyfriend from the home & if he turns up, phone the police. Why are you allowing him to telephonically drug deal from your couch?! Why are you allowing him to treat you like dirt? You didn't give birth to him, he has no right to be lounging about your home making everyone uncomfortable.

Secondly, stop propping your daughter up. She's 18 & she's made her (temporary) bed. She needs to learn the consequences of giving up college and having caviar tastes on a tuna fish budget. Give her a deadline to be out by & on that day, change the locks. If she needs help or she's in trouble, you'll help. But you will not be her punching bag so she can just figure it out.

She will never, ever learn OP if you keep doing the maths for her.

She also drives doesn't she? She can start driving herself to viewings. And if she doesn't have a place by your deadline, then she's going to have to find a solution on her own two feet.

She needs to learn that she cannot trample over anyone and scream and shout and make demands and someone else will sort it. You don't get to both be an adult and a petulant child.

The dd sounds like she needs help to manage her anger. Something is triggering this type of behaviour and I don’t think we have heard the full story from OP.

She needs to go (to be honest she would be lucky to leave without my foot up her backside behaving like that)
Stop pandering to her, she is 18 not 8 (no, I have no intention of kicking my kids out at 18 but will do if they cannot behave like civilised humans).
I would simply go with her to a couple more viewings (to places she can afford on her own) and when she whinges about not wanting to share ....just laugh! Explain that thus is the reality of life, you don't get to act like shit with a scumbag boyfriend and live in a Palace on a part time income
I would write to/email her a date that I expect her to be gone, she is responsible for arranging viewings (why in gods name are you running round after her, she can take the boyfriend for support) and on that date off she goes (police if she tantrums about it).
Your 7 year old should not have to put up with this shit and the way things are going he will end up just like her....he sees your daughter shouting loud enough and getting her own way, it's only a matter of time before he thinks he might as well do the same!

She has to live within her means. Can’t afford a studio flat? She needs to work more or look at shared houses

Do change the locks when she eventually goes, otherwise she will be back. Home will inevitably be more comfy than wherever she goes to.

And this may well pass! She may come out the other side as a pleasant and reasonable adult in a few years.

In regards to the bf, just politely ask him not to make drug deals in your house.

Your DD is looking to rebel against you so best be neutral when talking about him. If anything help her reflect by asking her opinion occasionally

Why is she so angry and upset?

You're going about the search backwards, looking for places that fit her preferences then figuring out how to afford them. Help her write out a realistic monthly budget and then consider every place that fits. Benefit is a big variable- if you're in the UK there are links to benefit calculators on the government site.

When budgeting, reduce each cost possible to free up money for rent. Eliminate all inessentials. Set a bare minimum for food, personal care items, transportation, etc. Sell the car and eliminate the insurance cost if public transit is possible (yes, it's less convenient in many areas, but it's a trade off). Can she bring in more income (and how would that impact any benefit)? Does she have a fallback plan if she loses one of her jobs? I'd not include your £200 in the budget up front - start by looking at what she can afford, and if she's just short or needs a deposit you can help. Your financial situation could change in the future so that money's not available on an ongoing basis.

She was okay with the idea of a bedsit or flat share but after the initial bedsit visit where we saw that the adjoining bedsit was a middle aged man who she’d have to bathroom-share with, she outright refuses to even consider it.

Bedsit (or boarding house or hostel dorm) means no say in who else lives there, now or later. A share is better bet, with the assurance that any new person moving in will be agreed on by all housemates. However, few housemates (or landlords) will put up with screaming all night or drug deals in the living room.

Do go see the flat; one thing that opened my eyes when I looked for my first place was how much competition there was for the cheapest livable lets. With multiple applications, a low-income 18yo with no rental history may not be top choice. It will be good to get a feel for how much demand there is in your area.

That was the practical part, now here's the judgy part (I haven't read your other threads, this is just based on what you've said in this one) >>>>

What strikes me is her apparent lack of regard for you and her young sibling in combination with how dependent she is on you. You give her lifts home from work at 1 AM. You're doing most of the work to find her a place to live. You'd stretch your budget to the limit to help pay her rent. I'm not saying don't do these things, necessarily, but it's puzzling that she's acting like she doesn't need you when at the moment she massively does. DOES she think she could survive fine with no help? Is there something else going on, possibly MH-related?

Your daughter is abhorrent.
I can't imagine allowing a boyfriend to treat my mum or little brother (same age difference) like that.

Kick your daughter out.

If she doesn't want to house share then she will never leave.

You owe her NO favours.

You owe your 7 year old stability, love, support and a safe place.
None of which they have with her around.

I dread to think how they are feeling at the moment. Poor thing.

Your daughters choice not to respect you/your home and be a nightmare to live with, presumably not a medical condition.
So her behaviour having removed the option of living at home, she has to live within her means - if she can't afford her own flat, she either needs to look at house share/bedsit or get a better paid job.