So frustrated about DD I could cry

[conecrosoooo]

A bit of a rant here but also would appreciate advice. Me and my DD18 have come to mutual decision that she cannot live here anymore. She is a nightmare. Rude, mouthy, arsehole boyfriend who has no respect for my house. Spoilt and constantly mithering for money. She makes me depressed. My 7yo is terrified of the boyfriend because he is so vile.

I do not want to throw her out on the street. Isn’t interested in uni and left college the day she turned 18. She has 2 part-time jobs and makes around 900 a month give or take.

We are in an expensive area. She needs to remain local for her jobs, they are evening/night based and I want her to be able to get home quickly and also be near enough to call me for lifts home because sometimes she will be finishing at 1am. She does not want a houseshare or to have to share a bathroom. We looked at a bedsit with a bathroom share earlier this week and she was put off when she saw she’d have to share her bathroom with a middle aged man, and I don’t blame her. The cheapest place where she will have her own bathroom I’ve found is a converted office flat at £650pm. I’ve done a quick calculation of what I reckon all of her bills plus rent would be (I think I’ve accounted for everything including her car but she is still a learner so the insurance will skyrocket once she passes but I’ve not added the increase to the budget) and I think she’d need £1100 monthly.

I believe she’ll get some housing benefit but I don’t know how much. We’ve got a viewing at the flat on Monday but I don’t know if she stands a cat in hell’s chance of being approved. It is a special scheme where a deposit isn’t needed. I can afford maybe £200 a month to top her up but even that is pushing it. In a different part of our county she’d get a similar flat for 30% less per month but would have to quit her other 2 jobs, find a new more local one, be stuck with me for months on end when we’re already at each other’s throats. It’s so frustrating.

If she remains living here we will end up bloody killing each other but I also am trying my best to support her.

@CinnamonJellyBeans

What was your daughter like before the BF came along?

Kicking her out is a mistake. If she moves out, BF will move in with her, sponge off her and she will be stuck with him for life. They will have children together and that's the dad your grandchildren will have to live with. The house will become a drug den and your grandchildren will have the wrong people coming into their home. At some stage you may end up fostering them.

You need to do what PP have told you and stop this man coming into your home. Is there a family member with a little more clout who can move in with you to keep him out. This will solve the problems for your young son being intimidated.

You're not the only one with kids who are rude mouthy arseholes who moither you for money. I've got two of the little shits and wouldn't dream of kicking them out. Your DD is in a very dangerous position with this man and needs you to invest your energy in protecting her rather than researching how to get rid of her.

I agree with this, I don't think it's as simple as she moves out and that's that either. I'd be really worried for her wellbeing, and although some will say it's her choice and her behaviour, it really does sound like she's in an abusive relationship.

I believe she’ll get some housing benefit but I don’t know how much.

What the fucking fuck?

So my taxes, paid because I work very hard and worked even harder to get my qualifications, starting at age 18, are gong to pay for your spoilt DD not to have to houseshare, to continue in her spoilt entitled work-shy lifestyle?

Oh thank you.

Housesharing is pretty normal for young adults, and I think it's actually a really important developmental thing - you learn to live with people who are not your family. Where you can't get away with treating them as she treats you, and behaving as she behaves.

But basically YABU.

I agree with all PP who say she needs to learn that she doesn;t get exactly what she wants when she wants it, she has to earn it. It'll be a flat share with shared bathroom. And she should find it herself. She is 19, not a child, and is choosing work not education and choosing to live alone not in a loving home, so she can continue to behave like a bart with her brattish boyfriend. Leave them to it.

Tell her she is welcome hom at any time when she has lesarned to be kind and respectful to you and her family and that her boyfriend is not welcome at all because his behaviour is antisocial.

You have to let her make her own mistakes right now. She won't learn if you don't.

You treat her like a princess, she acts like the world owes her something. She has some tough lessons to learn.

My daughter earns 1K a week and lives in a house share with a shared bathroom. Your daughter is not special, is entitled and petulant and doesn't deserve any special treatment. If she has such high standards for where she deems fit to live she needs to pay for them herself and get a full time job.

The boyfriend should be banned from your house. You'd rather let a drug user/dealer bully you and your son out of your home than tell him he's not welcome? What message does that send your son?

She will not pass referencing for a £650 flat if she only earns £900. Even with a little housing benefit she won’t. To pass referencing for a property she’d have to earn a minimum of £19,500.

@conecrosoooo

I need her gone though, I can’t bear it any longer.

Hold onto this OP and please find some steel inside yourself to ensure this happens sooner, rather than later.

Your daughter absolutely has your measure and knows exactly what buttons to press. Of the two of you she is the stronger - plus she doesn't care except for wanting what she wants. If you had any good boundaries (and it doesn't seem like you do) she would kick them over because she just doesn't care.

Where does that leave your son?
My 7yo is terrified of the boyfriend because he is so vile.

How does he feel about his sister screaming at you all night because (quite rightly) you made her boyfriend leave by threatening to call the police? He must be so afraid and/or confused in a situation he where he has no agency.

You've had a lot of good advice on this thread - I hope you are able to actually take some. It won't be easy but, really, what options do you have?

BTW I second what other PP's said about changing the locks as soon as your daughter leaves. Contact an emergency locksmith and stay at home with the door locked, key in the lock until that's fine. She's shown she has no respect for the home you are providing. DO NOT rely on her either returning her set of keys or not having a set for her and her boyfriend to enter your home whilst you are not there...

Good luck OP. 🌹

Seriously? I'm nearly 30 and have shared houses for the past decade because I come from an abusive family. Impose some rules while she's living with you, or she can go and live someone she doesn't perfectly like. Sorry, but that's how it is:

@conecrosoooo

She was okay with the idea of a bedsit or flat share but after the initial bedsit visit where we saw that the adjoining bedsit was a middle aged man who she’d have to bathroom-share with, she outright refuses to even consider it.

I don’t blame her for not wanting that particular one but she refuses to consider any at all now!

I think maybe I’ll just have to take her to the viewing tomorrow and let her find out for herself it’s impossible.

I need her gone though, I can’t bear it any longer.

I've lived with middle aged men since the age of 23. Only been raped once. She might have to deal with it. If you don't want her in your house then she's going to have to live somewhere else.

I agree with @ShortBacknSides

What have we come to, when teenagers think it's absolutely fine to work only a few hours a week, and that that should entitle them to live in a house of their own, paid for by other people.

It's nonsense.

She gets a full time job (many industries are crying out for staff at the moment) and a room in a shared house. Like everyone else.

Why would you allow him near your house?
Call the police and if your daughter starts screaming have the police remove her too.

Your poor 7 year old being terrified is absolutely disgraceful.

Call the police and report him.

Your daughter will have to live within her means but she needs to pack her bags.

You cannot control her, your obligation is to protect your poor terrified 7 year old.

You need to look after your youngest child.
Your daughter is rude and entitled.
You are still trying to fix her.
She can look on entitled to the benefits website to see if there’s a top in. Maybe some tax credits?
Tell her the boyfriend is no longer welcomed.
If she gets abusive call the police if you can’t handle this - do you have any support?
I’m sorry you are going through this.
Enough is enough - protect your child - she is an adult.
Also what messages are you all showing the youngest child - that’s it’s ok to shout and scream to get your own way.

Chuck her out; your daughter and her skanky b/f are terrifying a 7-year-old. That would be enough for me.

Shared house. Some have en-suite rooms.
When I first moved to London I took the box room in a shared house with 2 men and 1 woman. We all shared the bathroom.
It wasn’t ideal but it was cheap as chips and after 12 months I was in a much better position to find something else.
I never had a problem with the housemates and we all had locks on our bedroom doors.

I think you are doing the right thing getting her out btw.

Just on the bathroom point- I didn’t get my own bathroom until I bought a flat age 28! House share just what you expect at that age surely? It’s a good way to make friends too.

@conecrosoooo

She was okay with the idea of a bedsit or flat share but after the initial bedsit visit where we saw that the adjoining bedsit was a middle aged man who she’d have to bathroom-share with, she outright refuses to even consider it.

I don’t blame her for not wanting that particular one but she refuses to consider any at all now!

I think maybe I’ll just have to take her to the viewing tomorrow and let her find out for herself it’s impossible.

I need her gone though, I can’t bear it any longer.

What’s wrong with sharing a bathroom with someone else? It’s not like they’re going to be in there at the same time. She needs to learn the value of money, and the value of what she’s lost in being so vile to you.

You have to get her out, OP, for your son’s sake if not your own. She must terrify a little lad of 7. And he should not be faced with her aggressive abusive drug-using boyfriend in your home.

I feel for you, but you’ll have to let her deal her own mistakes by herself. I hope you can repair the relationship later.

I don’t see why your daughter has to leave to get the boyfriend out. Tell her he’s not allowed in your property and if he enters again you’ll call the police, and mean it. Can’t she go round to where he lives if she wants to see him?

I also don’t understand why she needs you to pick her up at work at 1am. Who looks after your 7 year old while you do this. If she has her own car and will pass her test soon can’t she drive herself to work. Or pay for a cab out of her wages as she’s not currently paying rent she should be able to afford it.

And if she does need to move somewhere cheaper/further from town, if she has a car then isn’t that an option. Or she gets rid of the car to live near work.

Better a house share than her own flat, far less likely that her boyfriend will try to move in. I'd carry on offering late night lifts though, because it provides a point from which your relationship can improve as she grows up.

Does your daughter take drugs with her boyfriend? Are you concerned that kicking her out would increase his power over her and that she might enter a downwards druggie spiral? Is she that self-destructive?

Or is she just having fun and not fully understanding the dangers or her own vulnerability, like many young people? Will she outgrow him when she's ready?

What a dreadful situation OP. I haven't read any previous posts so forgive me if I've missed something.

What was DD like before the BF was on the scene?

She sounds out of her depth with her life. If the BF intimidates a grown woman, god only knows how this must be for an 18 year old.

I do wonder if her reluctance to find accommodation is not about being spoilt but her cry for help to stay home?

You are both completely at the mercy of this BF. She sounds frightened but not able to communicate this to you. The screaming is her loss of control. Is she being a grade 1 biatch because that's who she is or is there something that's not being addressed?

Do not let this man back into your house. Call the police next time. Above all protect your 7 year old.

I'm just trying to understand what you're really afraid of.

You poor 7yo. He should be able to come home, do his homework, have his friends round and watch children's TV, or be out doing fun activities. Not seeking daily refuge from an abusive man. (Abusive to him and you, whatever your dd thinks).

Op you need to grow a backbone.
It's YOUR house and you give them clear expectations of how they behave. If he doesn't respect that, he's out. If he won't leave, call the police. If she kicks off at you, call the police.
No more threats, just do it.
You're the adult and you need to protect your younger son.

The trouble is that if you give her the £200 directly then I doubt she'll use it for rent. I think she'll run up arrears immediately.

The boyfriend needs to be banned from the house to protect your son and I wouldn't give 200 a month. Of course your daughter has to house share.

Have been there, not quite the same circumstances. My daughter was 21, lost her live in job, through er own fault. I was already living with 2 young sons, in emergency accomodation, (their Father tried to kill me, stopped paying mortgage,house repossesed) She tod me the council said she had to come and live with me (untrue I found out later) She wasnt entitled to any benefits. Borrowed money (I was on benefits) I had no car or phone, she had a sports car. She was out all night clubbing,dossing on the sofa all day (2 bedrooms) In the end I gave her a week to find a job or get out.I got the you don't care about me" seach. Hardest thing I have ever done. Slept in her car a while, moved in with a couple of wasters just for a roof, got pregnant.(we were amicable by then) It took some years, she turned her life around, got rid of the waste of space, went into Banking, and is now a Manager of one of the big Supermarkets.