Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Furious with Selfish Son

182 replies

fib88 · 22/07/2021 03:30

I suffer from a rare autoimmune disease and on strong medication to stop my body attacking itself. I was put on the shielding list at the beginning of lockdown and also recently found out my vaccine didn’t produce any antibodies so I have no protection. My son is home from university and goes out socialising in London most days but promised to stay out of nightclubs as a compromise. Tonight I discover he’s at a massive nightclub event in London and has pretended to be elsewhere to me. When he comes home he will stay in his bedroom but I’m expected to share a bathroom with him, wash his filthy clothes and cook for him. He pretends to care but tonight I’ve had a real eye opener - I won’t, but feel like throwing him out. I’m so bitterly disappointed in him that he cares so little for my health. I could weep!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2021 03:38

When he comes home he will stay in his bedroom but I’m expected to share a bathroom with him, wash his filthy clothes and cook for him

Tell him he sanitises the bathroom every time he uses it, he washes his own clothes, and he makes his own meals or he can live somewhere else. Just because he's your son does not mean you have to be a doormat. You should tell him exactly how disgusted you are with his behaviour. Stop treating him with kid gloves, the selfish twat needs to hear some home truths.

Sparklfairy · 22/07/2021 03:39

I won’t, but feel like throwing him out.

Why? He'll crash at a mates, you'll both cool off and then he'll know you're deadly serious that if he wants to live with you and treat you like a skivvy he can't be going into nightclubs.

If you let him back, there'll be a row, you'll be upset, and he'll carry on walking over you.

supersonicginandtonic · 22/07/2021 03:43

I understand you're vulnerable but when would you allow your son to do normal young people things? Would ge never be allowed again?

Eekay · 22/07/2021 03:45

He either comes home under really strict rules which he keeps to - or he moves elsewhere if he won't.
He's 20, not a child, and he's being beyond selfish and uncaring (while using you as a skivvy)
I think instead of weeping you maybe need to find your anger.
You've enough on your plate without him making things worse for you.

JustJoinedRightNow · 22/07/2021 03:45

@supersonicginandtonic presumably he could be doing these things while at Uni and not while living under his vulnerable shielding mother’s roof.

Lindy2 · 22/07/2021 03:49

Is he vaccinated? Hopefully he is as that would help reduce the chances of him catching it.

As others have said he needs to sanitise the bathroom and do his own washing, meals etc otherwise he needs to stay at a friend's house.

It's a difficult balance as it would be unreasonable to stop him socialising but nightclubs are going to so high risk it's very selfish of him. He knows that, that's why he's lied about where he is.

Nancydrawn · 22/07/2021 03:51

@supersonicginandtonic

I understand you're vulnerable but when would you allow your son to do normal young people things? Would ge never be allowed again?

Perhaps not in the middle of a significant spike in a powerful variant of the major pandemic sweeping the world.

Or, I don't know, he could stay with a friend.

KentuckyCriedFricken · 22/07/2021 03:52

What do you do in a regular flu season? You can’t expect him to put his life completely on hold. Why are you suddenly more at risk than last summer when no one was vaccinated?

supersonicginandtonic · 22/07/2021 03:54

@JustJoinedRightNow I'm only asking as my brother is in a similar situation to the OP and my parents haven't stopped my sister living her life. She's vaccinated and my brother is back at work as shielding has ended.

Cardboardboxingring · 22/07/2021 03:55

@KentuckyCriedFricken maybe because nightclubs weren't open last summer and there's now a new variant which is significantly more infectious?

Foundatarantulainmykitchen · 22/07/2021 03:57

There’s no possible way you could no that your vaccine has failed. Whoever told you that needs reprimanding

timeisnotaline · 22/07/2021 03:58

He’s 20- just lock him out for a few days. He will find something. Then when he gets let back in he can start cooking!

KentuckyCriedFricken · 22/07/2021 04:02

[quote Cardboardboxingring]@KentuckyCriedFricken maybe because nightclubs weren't open last summer and there's now a new variant which is significantly more infectious?[/quote]
Source for this that it’s “significantly more infectious”? Newspaper told you so? Deaths are much lower. There was a time the UK was reporting over 1000 a day. If OP is as high risk as she claims, she will already be on high alert all the time. Why should it be any different now?

KentuckyCriedFricken · 22/07/2021 04:02

@Foundatarantulainmykitchen

There’s no possible way you could no that your vaccine has failed. Whoever told you that needs reprimanding

This!

Original poster

fib88 · 22/07/2021 04:03

He’s had one vaccine so far, Ive tried to be fair and accept he needs to go out but it’s the reckless way he does it that upsets me.

He seems to meet and befriend random people which is also a worry - so if I threw him out I shudder to think where he’d end up. I’m past shouting at the moment just so shocked by his lack of any regard for me whilst vocally pretending otherwise.

He will get a mouthful from me when he turns up tomorrow but short of throwing him out I don’t see what else I can do.

OP posts:

Cardboardboxingring · 22/07/2021 04:06

For what it's worth, I'm a student, both my parents were shielding and that meant I shielded with them. Yes it was frustrating, yes there were times I thought they were being over the top, but at the end of the day I live with them and I decided it wasn't worth putting their lives at risk to have some fun. If I'd brought it back home I don't think I could have lived with myself. Ignore the posters saying you should let him have fun, he can do that without putting you at risk! People seem to forget that this isn't the same as the flu, it isn't over actually, and maybe it's not unreasonable to ask your son to find somewhere else to stay or to stop going to super spreader events when he could literally kill you

Original poster

fib88 · 22/07/2021 04:07

The reason I know my vaccine failed was because I took part in a research screening program for Imperial College London and my test result was negative for antibodies…

OP posts:

Pickapicket · 22/07/2021 04:09

Two issues here, a) Your son’s selfish behaviour and b)you waiting on him hand and foot.

Re a) suggest having a calm chat with him. Say because of your condition he can’t do some of the fun things he would like (visiting clubs, unvaccinated people, crowded places etc). He agrees to this condition or he moves out for the summer vacation.

Re b) i do mean this kindly but just stop. He cooks and cleans somehow at University. Please do not train him to think it’s a woman’s job to skivvy after a man. This will make him a not great life partner.

Stay safe OP. These are tough times

Cardboardboxingring · 22/07/2021 04:10

@KentuckyCriedFricken I get my information from scientific studies and published papers, where do you get yours from? Sorry you don't believe in evidence, have fun with the tin foil hat brigade

supersonicginandtonic · 22/07/2021 04:15

@Cardboardboxingring but shielding has ended now due to vaccine and advances in treatment. The chances of it killing somebody are minuscule. People who are CEV are now back at work and school etc and getting on with their lives. People cannot shield forever and the virus isn't going anywhere. Yes the OP could ask hun to stay elsewhere, that's her choice abd perfectly reasonable. Also what you do for fun and find fun, maybe different for others.

LonginesPrime · 22/07/2021 04:16

I’m expected to share a bathroom with him, wash his filthy clothes and cook for him

Who is expecting you to wash his clothes and cook for him?

Unless someone is coercing you into being his maid, why can't you just stop if you don't want to do it?

Kinsters · 22/07/2021 04:17

Vaccine is no guarantee. I know of three people who are double jabbed and still caught covid, I'm sure there are plenty more.

I think you need to implement some stricter rules for "post clubbing" otherwise he'll probably get lucky this time and nothing will happen so he'll get less and less careful. I'd make him do daily tests, wear a mask in common areas and sanitise the kitchen and bathroom after use plus ensure all windows are open.

Having said that I do sympathise with him, young people have missed out on so much. If I was 20 I'd have probably gone clubbing on freedom day. I'd have taken precautions if I lived with someone vulnerable though like stayed with friends for a while.

supersonicginandtonic · 22/07/2021 04:19

@Kinsters very sensible post. It's such a difficult balanCe.

Kinsters · 22/07/2021 04:21

Sorry meant to add, my biggest issue would be the lying. That's really not on at all, if he's going to do something you specifically agreed he wouldn't do (and for good reason) he needs to tell you that so you can take appropriate action to protect yourself. Adults lying is awful behaviour - and usually men who want to have their cake and eat it, like your son is doing...

Original poster

fib88 · 22/07/2021 04:21

I took part in a screening research program run by the NHS and Imperial College London - hence how I know

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8