Furious with Selfish Son

[fib88]

I suffer from a rare autoimmune disease and on strong medication to stop my body attacking itself. I was put on the shielding list at the beginning of lockdown and also recently found out my vaccine didn’t produce any antibodies so I have no protection. My son is home from university and goes out socialising in London most days but promised to stay out of nightclubs as a compromise. Tonight I discover he’s at a massive nightclub event in London and has pretended to be elsewhere to me. When he comes home he will stay in his bedroom but I’m expected to share a bathroom with him, wash his filthy clothes and cook for him. He pretends to care but tonight I’ve had a real eye opener - I won’t, but feel like throwing him out. I’m so bitterly disappointed in him that he cares so little for my health. I could weep!

@Youdiditanyway

I do feel for CEV people but honestly unsure what you’re going to do for the rest of your life. We know covid is just a thing we have to learn to live with now, it isn’t going to vanish. Vaccinations are our only real solution and you have had yours but it hasn’t worked. What’s your plan for the rest of your life, are you going to hide away from everyone and never leave? I honestly don’t know what the answer is for people like yourself.

My Gran won’t leave her home either and she won’t let us in. She’s like a prisoner and she’s in her 70s so potentially another 20 years to go yet and she’s wasting it sitting inside.

I don’t think your son is selfish fwiw, he’s 20 and he’s acting like a normal 20 year old. Perhaps he can’t stay with you anymore? I don’t know because this is never not going to be a problem for you, there’s always a chance he may have covid and may give you it.

All these people talking about "forever" don't seem to understand the difference between a normal circulating virus, i.e. the flu in a normal year, and a pandemic. We are in the middle of a pandemic, which means cases are really, really high. It won't be like this forever. Covid will always be around, but eventually it will circulate in a much smaller way, similar to other viruses like the norovirus or flu, so the risk will be much, much lower. At the moment, 1 in 75 people in England have Covid - that is pandemic standards. Not 1 in 75 people have norovirus or the flu. So the OP will eventually be able to go out and about as before but just taking precautions. However, the pandemic needs to peak first. It is nowhere near that stage. Right now, it's extremely dangerous for her.

I am honestly so astounded by the lack of basic understanding about this pandemic. It really, really is mindboggling.

He either comes home under really strict rules which he keeps to - or he moves elsewhere if he won't.
He's 20, not a child, and he's being beyond selfish and uncaring (while using you as a skivvy)
I think instead of weeping you maybe need to find your anger.
You've enough on your plate without him making things worse for you.

This!

Bravo **MrsMcGarry, Alpenguin and all the other PPs who have told it like it is, for the CEV.

Occasionally dip in and out but have never posted. BUT as a recent heart transplant recipient, who is immunocompromised and very likely to be unprotected (despite being double jabbed), I wanted to add my support to those who have posted about the realities we face.
Apologies to the OP for sidetracking the post from her personal dilemma, with which I can completely empathise.

**Youdiditanyway:
“Vaccinations are our only real solution and you have had yours but it hasn’t worked. What’s your plan for the rest of your life, are you going to hide away from everyone and never leave? I honestly don’t know what the answer is for people like yourself.“

EXACTLY! You have stated precisely, the situation those of us who are unprotected despite vaccines face. We have had our vaccines, and they (unsurprisingly) haven’t worked. I personally DON’T know “what I am going to do with the rest of my life”. Having worked in a role involving prolonged face to face contact with multiple clients, I now grapple with the prospect of never being able to return to work (retraining in my 50s feels unrealistic). So no, I DON’T “have a plan for the rest of my life”. If you really took on board that the situation you described so sarcastically, is ACTUALLY THE CASE for us, that that is our reality, then surely some empathy must follow?
Try taking on board that for some of us, our world HAS become the nightmare scenario of a deadly virus with no cure. If that was your world, would you be so flippant about those of us like your gran, “hiding away from the world”?

I ( and many like me), saw not one other human being (medics excepted)between March 2020 and June this year. In addition, imagine going through the life or death experience of transplant, weeks in icu, and 8 further weeks in hospital without one visitor. Imagine embarking on months of rehab and recovery, in complete isolation. Imagine the light appearing at the end of the tunnel, of a return to normality (vaccines!) only to have that brief experience snatched away and have to return to shielding because cases are even higher than when shielding was originally introduced. Imagine all of that, THEN perhaps some empathy might dawn. Except you won’t try to imagine it. Most people won’t, because it is literally unthinkable to them, too difficult for them to face that for some people, there IS (currently) no solution, save isolation, at least until case number fall significantly.

 @giftoflife

Wantaweekinthesun

Except you're wrong on all counts.
This pandemic isn't going away any time soon, the virus is and will continue to mutate faster than the control methods can keep up. To use your language, I am astounded that people like you ie. those who consider themselves educated, have not grasped this. The UK is a prime example of a place that has totally messed up and promoted conditions to elongate the pandemic.

@giftoflife I wish you all the best with your recovery. All I can do is cross my finger that people like you and the OP keep safe. Sadly for people like us there’s as much chance of safety in crossing fingers as there is getting back to “normal life”

Hi op, All of the talk about whether you are being reasonable or not isn’t the point. You feel unsafe in yr own home! He is putting you at serious risk.
It seems to me that you and yr son have come to a parting of the ways. You both need very different things and he is not keeping to yr house rules. He needs to move out. I’d message him and tell him not to come home for 10 days and that during that time he needs to find alternative accommodation. After 10 days he can pick up his stuff. And yes never do his washing for him again. Be calm but be sure. He is being young and selfish. But just stand firm. You don’t have to feel bad for needing different things. He’s an adult now and this is the consequence of his actions.
Good luck.