Furious with Selfish Son

[fib88]

I suffer from a rare autoimmune disease and on strong medication to stop my body attacking itself. I was put on the shielding list at the beginning of lockdown and also recently found out my vaccine didn’t produce any antibodies so I have no protection. My son is home from university and goes out socialising in London most days but promised to stay out of nightclubs as a compromise. Tonight I discover he’s at a massive nightclub event in London and has pretended to be elsewhere to me. When he comes home he will stay in his bedroom but I’m expected to share a bathroom with him, wash his filthy clothes and cook for him. He pretends to care but tonight I’ve had a real eye opener - I won’t, but feel like throwing him out. I’m so bitterly disappointed in him that he cares so little for my health. I could weep!

I'm going to be honest and say I feel sorry for him. Imagine being a young person in the pandemic and having not being able to do anything, and then when you finally get chance, your mother won't allow it.

His lying to you is the really important thing here. You cannot trust anything he says.

I read your expectation that you keep house for him as voluntary martyrdom and an unwillingness to recognise that your little boy has grown up. I think the brutal truth is that he doesn't need you as much as you think he does.

You're expecting gratitude for something he hasn't really asked you for and could easily manage without.

He's an adult now. You need to update your relationship accordingly and base it upon mutual respect. If you discover he doesn't actually respect you much, that will be hard and sad and difficult for a while but it is something you can get past and come back from stronger, if you act like a grown-up and expect him to do the same.

@Foundatarantulainmykitchen

There’s no possible way you could no that your vaccine has failed. Whoever told you that needs reprimanding

Some people with auto immune disorders and certain blood cancers have been told the jab is maybe only 20% or less effective and to avoid restaurants, shops etc where it is busy.

I took part in the same study with the same result. However it did say that a negative result does not mean you do not have antibodies.

...and if you got a positive it was also not 100% accurate.

I'm going to be honest and say I feel sorry for him. Imagine being a young person in the pandemic and having not being able to do anything, and then when you finally get chance, your mother won't allow it. imagine being so vulnerable that you had to stay home entirely during the pandemic, and then even when things open up, because of your particular condition you still can’t go out.

And he’s potentially missing out on going to a nightclub? My heart bleeds.

Anyway, he can go wherever he wants, when he lives in his own place. If you live with a parent who is vulnerable then you have some bloody consideration.

Can people please stop telling the OP she must be wrong about not having antibodies?

At the end of the day of course it is hoped that she will not fall ill and won’t be as badly affected as she thinks she might be. But no-one here is medically qualified to tell her that, and we’re not just talking about your average person who is anxious here, we’re talking about someone with good reason to be.

The son has the rest of his life to go clubbing if he really must. If he brings COVID home to his mother she may not be so lucky.

If the OP were insisting her son shield with her then I would say that a middle ground needs to be found. But all she’s asking is that he not go to nightclubs. really, it isn’t that big a deal.

Old enough to go clubbing, old enough to clean a bathroom and turn on a washing machine.

You have the perfect reason now to stop waiting on him hand and foot. You can retreat to your room to isolate from him. Tell him you need him to leave three meals a day (plus snacks) at the door and run the house for 10 days.

He will get a mouthful from me when he turns up tomorrow but short of throwing him out I don’t see what else I can do.

So throw him out.
He doesn't care about you at all and will do this again and again.

You can't trust him to sanitise the bathroom, btw.

The biggest danger isn't surfaces, tho, it's covid that's breathed into the air.
So keep everywhere well ventilated, if you're foolish enough to let him stay.

KentuckyCriedFricken Thu 22-Jul-21 04:02:09

Source for this that it’s “significantly more infectious”? Newspaper told you so?

Us lesser beings are reading those dastardly newspaper reports on scientific studies showing Delta to be more effective.

We don't have the advantages of your social media connections.

@Foundatarantulainmykitchen

There’s no possible way you could no that your vaccine has failed. Whoever told you that needs reprimanding

A friend is in a similar situation, and blood tests have detected no antibodies. The doctors have told her they don't know if the vaccine has protected her or not. It's possible.

@Mrgrinch

I'm going to be honest and say I feel sorry for him. Imagine being a young person in the pandemic and having not being able to do anything, and then when you finally get chance, your mother won't allow it.

He has a choice, though. He can live elsewhere and do what he wants, or he can live with his clinical vulnerable mother and be more considerate.

wash his filthy clothes and cook for him

Why are you doing that? He can do that for himself.

And if he's putting you at risk, tell him to stay somewhere else until he goes back to uni. Your health comes first.

It sounds like past time he learns to do his own washing and cooking. Otherwise he'll be one of those men who assume their girlfriend will do it all for him.

@lottiegarbanzo

His lying to you is the really important thing here. You cannot trust anything he says.

I read your expectation that you keep house for him as voluntary martyrdom and an unwillingness to recognise that your little boy has grown up. I think the brutal truth is that he doesn't need you as much as you think he does.

You're expecting gratitude for something he hasn't really asked you for and could easily manage without.

He's an adult now. You need to update your relationship accordingly and base it upon mutual respect. If you discover he doesn't actually respect you much, that will be hard and sad and difficult for a while but it is something you can get past and come back from stronger, if you act like a grown-up and expect him to do the same.

I agree with this.

He is 20 and not a child.

I have boys this age and they understand the basics clearly regarding protecting each other.

It is hard but your health is seriously at risk.

His lying means he has decided to risk it.

You need to protect yourself.

Tell him to stay with a friend or risk your health.

It is unlikely someone so selfish will stay 10 days in his room.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect more from a 20 year old.

I have the greatest sympathy for his generation stuck at home, but unfortunately when lives are at risk like yours, he has to suck it up, no say fxxk it, lie and do what he wants.

@Pickapicket

Two issues here, a) Your son’s selfish behaviour and b)you waiting on him hand and foot.

Re a) suggest having a calm chat with him. Say because of your condition he can’t do some of the fun things he would like (visiting clubs, unvaccinated people, crowded places etc). He agrees to this condition or he moves out for the summer vacation.

Re b) i do mean this kindly but just stop. He cooks and cleans somehow at University. Please do not train him to think it’s a woman’s job to skivvy after a man. This will make him a not great life partner.

Stay safe OP. These are tough times

Agree with this. I'm not judging or saying that it's all down to a mother (it's not, society also conditions us and we are all individuals)...but displaying selfish behaviour and expecting or normalising the fact that you are his skivvy...I just fear someone will soon be writing about your son on here again and everyone will be crying "LTB!" He has shown he is selfish (he probably does care and agree with a poster who said he will cringe/be ashamed of this later hopefully), and he is treating you badly. I think chucking him out for a bit is a good idea- to.protect you and also to help him.learn that he can make certain choices but that they have consequences and he can't have best of both worlds. Either he lives with you and acts responsibly to protect you, or he has his social life but has to live elsewhere. He is an adult not a child and does not have to live at home. So the choice is his, and he appears to have made it

I do feel sorry for him, but you simply can’t put yourself at risk.

Don’t go mad at him op. You need to be icily calm and point out that now he’s done that, you expect him to stay with a friend for a few days. You can sympathise with him at the same time because it must suck but be extremely disappointed that he’s let you down and lied, although hopefully he’ll come clean. Hopefully he’ll have got carried away with alcohol and feel guilty this morning and apologise. Disappointment will have more impact than anger.

Whatever happens he needs to know you are serious about protecting yourself and he needs to go stay with a mate.

@Pickapicket

Two issues here, a) Your son’s selfish behaviour and b)you waiting on him hand and foot.

Re a) suggest having a calm chat with him. Say because of your condition he can’t do some of the fun things he would like (visiting clubs, unvaccinated people, crowded places etc). He agrees to this condition or he moves out for the summer vacation.

Re b) i do mean this kindly but just stop. He cooks and cleans somehow at University. Please do not train him to think it’s a woman’s job to skivvy after a man. This will make him a not great life partner.

Stay safe OP. These are tough times

^^This.

He manages, somehow, to feed himself at university and while his cleanliness standards are probably a touch lower in his own place, if he is going to be living under your roof for the summer he needs to keep it clean to YOUR standards.

Basically, stop being a martyr and just tell him that these are the two conditions for his free accommodation for the summer and neither of them is negotiable.

Source for this that it’s “significantly more infectious”?

PHE. Imperial. LSHTM. Eurosurveillance. University of Leeds. Lots of sources. Delta is around 97% more infectious than Wuhan (LSHTM + others) and left unmitigated has a natural R of well over five and as high as 7 (PHE).

Why do you think it's become so dominant so quickly, if not that it's more easily transmitted?

I don't understand why he had to go to a nightclub when he knows your condition, OP. I'd be really upset and disgusted with him too. You've said he can socialise otherwise, I am not sure I'd even be that flexible and would have probably said he could have friends round in the garden (if you've got one).

Does he really understand the seriousness of your condition? Teenagers have a tendency to "listen" with one ear closed. I think you need to tell him again, and he'll have to wait until he goes back to uni to socialise fully. I don't think that's unreasonable when he'll be back there in a few weeks' time.

And yes he can load a washing machine himself. And stick a ready meal in the oven if he can't or won't cook.

On one hand, I completely understand where you’re coming from, because I also am high risk and about to become even more high risk because of an autoimmune disease and all the medication that comes with it. I’m about to start infusion treatment where I’ve literally had to sign a form saying I know that if I catch COVID once starting treatment I am aware there could be horrendous consequences/very poor outcome. HOWEVER I also can’t expect everyone around me to stop their entire lives because of my health because that’s not their fault. However I do take steps to protect myself where possible (hand washing, masks, etc) and just ask those around me to be upfront and honest if going to a big gathering or socialising with a lot of people etc. X

@Mrgrinch

I'm going to be honest and say I feel sorry for him. Imagine being a young person in the pandemic and having not being able to do anything, and then when you finally get chance, your mother won't allow it.

I do have sympathy for young people not able to have fun but I'm sure his mother would prefer not to be CEV, unable to be protected by the vaccine and out having fun too.

I do understand but also he’s 18 and this is difficult for him, his friends aren’t old enough to to compromise and go elsewhere and he wants to be with them. Could he test each day maybe, that might make you feel more reassured and also distance from each other when in the house etc. Being realistic, he is 18, he may well get covid from elsewhere without putting himself more at risk in nightclubs etc. How will you both manage then, it’s not just the nightclubs etc.

Perhaps he should ask his University if he can have summer accommodation on campus - there will be plenty available as hardly anyone living there right now.

I'd be gutted OP. However young men this age are massive risk takers in general (eg most risky driving) so I'd like to think that he is just thoughtless / oblivious and applies the whole 'it'll never happen' philosophy to you as well, rather than not actually giving a shit about whether you live or die.

I don't think we need a debate on the likelihood of you getting ill, we are not medical experts and don't know your health conditions and also it's clearly not impossible.

I think you've been more than fair to him so far, infections from pubs and nightclubs have been in the news as being a major source of spread so a lot of people wont be comfortable with pubs in your position.

I'd have a serious chat with him and say you've got no choice but to protect your health. Has he actually thought what it would be like to pass an infection on to you? About the potential impact on both your lives. I'd be telling him how hurt I was and how his actions made me think he didnt care about my health at all and then just see how he responds. I'd also ask him if he thought it might be best if he stayed with a friend for the rest of the summer