Furious with Selfish Son

[fib88]

I suffer from a rare autoimmune disease and on strong medication to stop my body attacking itself. I was put on the shielding list at the beginning of lockdown and also recently found out my vaccine didn’t produce any antibodies so I have no protection. My son is home from university and goes out socialising in London most days but promised to stay out of nightclubs as a compromise. Tonight I discover he’s at a massive nightclub event in London and has pretended to be elsewhere to me. When he comes home he will stay in his bedroom but I’m expected to share a bathroom with him, wash his filthy clothes and cook for him. He pretends to care but tonight I’ve had a real eye opener - I won’t, but feel like throwing him out. I’m so bitterly disappointed in him that he cares so little for my health. I could weep!

He should be an adult by now, but isn't behaving anything like one. What is necessary for the preservation of your health is also in his own long term best interest. He needs to learn that actions have consequences. He needs to learn to keep house for himself.

Every argument points to kicking him out. The only reason you're holding back is because you feel a parent shouldn't. But really, it's the best way to parent him right now.

@Youdiditanyway

I do feel for CEV people but honestly unsure what you’re going to do for the rest of your life. We know covid is just a thing we have to learn to live with now, it isn’t going to vanish. Vaccinations are our only real solution and you have had yours but it hasn’t worked. What’s your plan for the rest of your life, are you going to hide away from everyone and never leave? I honestly don’t know what the answer is for people like yourself.

My Gran won’t leave her home either and she won’t let us in. She’s like a prisoner and she’s in her 70s so potentially another 20 years to go yet and she’s wasting it sitting inside.

I don’t think your son is selfish fwiw, he’s 20 and he’s acting like a normal 20 year old. Perhaps he can’t stay with you anymore? I don’t know because this is never not going to be a problem for you, there’s always a chance he may have covid and may give you it.

Hmmm.

You don't sound like you 'feel for' the CEV. You sound a bit exasperated.

How annoying it must be for you.

He's a grownup. He can decide to take risks for himself but then he has to face the consequences. He's not allowed to take risks for you.

A natural consequence is living somewhere else.

@Youdiditanyway I think it's hard for some people (even if the vaccine has worked) to relax. I mean we had the letters, food boxes, my consultant asked me about a DNAR - I'm 37 with a normal life expectancy! The beginning was terrifying and I'm still worried, and I would be the same as the OP

Makes me laugh everyone saying are you going to live like this forever? We’ll probably not but right now there’s a new very infectious strain and restrictions have eased so yes if you’re vulnerable of course now isn’t the time to throw caution to the wind. I’m double jabbed and on day 8 with Covid and safe to say I feel terrible. Same for my 17yr old son, it’s no joke. Protect yourselves and don’t listen to those who say you’re being OTT, you’re not

Tell him you expect him to cl;ear off for 10 days and isolate elsewhere (not your problem where). After that, he 'll need a clean test before he comes home.

No way would I be cooking and washing for that rat.

@Foundatarantulainmykitchen

There’s no possible way you could no that your vaccine has failed. Whoever told you that needs reprimanding

The presence of antibodies can be detected by blood test. OP knows she has none. The point of vaccine is to stimulate the body's immune system to produce antibodies. No covid antibodies= no protection .

OP has an auto -immune disorder for which she has to take immuno-supprerssants. Her suppressed immune system probably explains why it didn't produce antibodies.

Pitch a tent in the garden make him living in it for 2 weeks before letting him back in the house.

At that age he knows he's putting you at risk that's not ok. I would be so angry and hurt too

He cooks and cleans for himself and washes bathroom after use - or he can find somewhere else to live - why are you acting like he is 5yrs old and you are a doormat?

Sorry but you're sons not the problem.... You are!
You let him get away with it.
Even if I wasnt ill I certainly wouldn't be washing his "filthy"clothes and cooking every day for him..... You've taught him to treat you like that. And as for lying as to where he's been, that's premeditated and just shows that he doesn't give a fat rats arse about your health.
Pack him off back to his accommodation and tell him he can only visit you on a day to day basis and only if he shows you the respect you deserve as his mother

Tell him he'll have to stay elsewhere; he can't come back tomorrow. You'll bag his stuff up for him.

OP isn't saying he can't do fun things like go to concerts, raves, heaving events ... she's just saying he can't live with her right now if he does. And that's fair enough.

@Foundatarantulainmykitchen

There’s no possible way you could no that your vaccine has failed. Whoever told you that needs reprimanding

They can test for antibodies where needed 🙄

Hes 20 how does it get by at uni or does some little girl do everything for him

stop pandering to a manchild-its your house put your foot down

*he

How are things fib88?

No posts from you today.

I am wondering if you have taken up suggestions made on here about him doing own laundry, washing up, cleaning bathroom etc, and keeping distance from you. They all sounded like excellent ideas for keeping you safe and not difficult to comply with.

Please do come back and update. You have much support on here.

@Abraxan

The NHS antibody test (linked to above) only tests for antibodies made by the virus. It doesn't check for antibodies made by the vaccine.

Pretty much anyone can have the NHS antibody test if they have ever used the Zoe Research app.

Absolutely this.

For starters - he'll be doing his own laundry! He can sanitise the whole bathroom when he has used it and cook his own meals and sanitise all that too. Or he can grow up and rent somewhere.

He is walking all over you and your health and will do until you put your foot down. He is old enough to stand on his own 2 feet, clearly does at uni, so he can either stick to your rules and stay or carry on and leave. I wouldnt have it - he is literally playing Russian roulette with your health and your life.

Well said. He is your son, live your life, we are not prisoners and I’m 75

He needs to have a life and you need to protect yours. Him moving out is the only option.

You need to look after your health, he needs to live his life. Work out some way of him moving out, maybe renting? It might be expensive but your health is important.

I’m not trying to be mean OP but why are you allowing him to share your space? I know, first hand, how difficult it is to put our DC on the path to adulthood. In your position it should be easy. You have no choice. Tell him to shape up or ship out and mean it

Most people I know, including me, were tested by the Imperial college team and had no antibodies. We are advised not to worry. There are T cell responses too.

The tests are done for natural antibodie. Different from vaccine antibodies. You could have no natural antibodies but still be protected by the vaccine

There is nothing worse than being undervalued by a loved one.

I am currently in a similar situation.

I feel for you OP.

What a shitty situation. Little to add to the advice already on here; read him the riot act while making clear you understand he needs to socialize. And I'd recommend constantly open windows and masks worn when you're in a room together. Actually, he should wear a mask constantly when in the house but not in his room. Stay well.