Furious with Selfish Son

[fib88]

I suffer from a rare autoimmune disease and on strong medication to stop my body attacking itself. I was put on the shielding list at the beginning of lockdown and also recently found out my vaccine didn’t produce any antibodies so I have no protection. My son is home from university and goes out socialising in London most days but promised to stay out of nightclubs as a compromise. Tonight I discover he’s at a massive nightclub event in London and has pretended to be elsewhere to me. When he comes home he will stay in his bedroom but I’m expected to share a bathroom with him, wash his filthy clothes and cook for him. He pretends to care but tonight I’ve had a real eye opener - I won’t, but feel like throwing him out. I’m so bitterly disappointed in him that he cares so little for my health. I could weep!

Seriously OP after this breach of care by him, which is really serious for you, he has to go and live somewhere else temporarily. You must protect your health above all. He is not a child, so he needs to act like a grown up for the next few weeks. I agree with the poster who said he should get a job outdoors for the summer and keep out of your way.

Can you not compromise on him doing LFTs regularly (and certainly after attending nightclubs)? Most areas now have walk in sites or they can be ordered online.

I can see how difficult it must be for you, but equally your DS is at an age where he wants to go out with his mates.

Ultimately him being cooped up at home indefinitely is not a sustainable option.

The issue here is the lying.

He wants to go out, fair enough.
You want to protect yourself. Fair enough too.

What can't happen is him telling you what you want to hear and then doing what the heck he wants and ignoring you. I would be really angry at that. It smacks of a total disregard of you as a person and no respect for your wishes at all.

I think yu need more tan telling off when he comes back. He'll just get angry and tell you what pp have said on this thread. He is young, its his life, you cant be that controlling balblabla.

In some ways he is right. But I think this also means this is time for him to find somewhere else to live. This way, you stay protected, he can do what he pleases. He will have to do his own cooking and his own washing (which is a good learning anyway).
But what you won't have is the constant nagging, telling him off. You getting angry and him feeling you are controlling his life.
This is what I would do to protect my relationhsip with him tbh.

@GreenLakes, my understanding is that they've run out of LFT and they are very hard to find at the moment.

“supersonicginandtonic

I understand you're vulnerable but when would you allow your son to do normal young people things? Would never be allowed again?”

This is ‘vulnerable’ meaning could well die.

The poor young person in question, who absolutely must go to a nightclub- out of all the vast choice of things for young people to do - is university age and could move out, get a job, and rent a room with other like-minded young people.

He evidently needs to grow up.

The two of you need to have an honest, adult conversation, discuss what you each want and need, then work out whether you are compatible housemates or not. If yes how. If not what.

“ChainJane

I think YABU. This is just one of those risks that you have to take when you decide to have children, the fact that often you will have to prioritise their needs over your own. He probably doesn't like to think about the fact you might get seriously ill or worse and his coping method is avoiding the subject and getting on with his life.”

What risk? That as an adult of 20 they are still acting as though they are 10? That one of their greatest ‘needs’ in life, taking priority over their mother’s life, is to go clubbing whatever the consequence? That they must not on any account be held responsible for their actions?

If you have no immunity and are in CEV group he should go and stay with friends until this next phase of the pandemic has passed is. By late September I think the picture will look quite different.

If he can't properly isolate to protect you (and he can't in a single bath roomed house) he should be moving out temporarily.

Explain that he is risking your health every time he returns to the house.

Personally having adult children willingly mixing with unvaccinated groups in confined spaces in your situation just isn't sensible.

If you can't bring yourself to do this then get stocked up with lateral flow tests. Apply on the government website.

Insist he tests himself daily, cleans the bathroom with the clear dettol spray and leaves bathroom windows open and wears a mask when he leaves his room.

It's the only thing you can do if you have no immunity.

Has he at least has his first vaccination?

My friend also took part in the imperial vaccine trial and tested negative for antibodies - it's a different type of vaccine to what is currently being offered and imperial trials didn't work hence why it isn't 'on the market'. She has gone on to have Pfizer and there is no suggestion or evidence this wouldn't work.

@supersonicginandtonic

I understand you're vulnerable but when would you allow your son to do normal young people things? Would ge never be allowed again?

Are you really so stupid and selfish?

I'm CEV, had both the vaccines but produced no antibodies (I know because my oncologist has done the antibody test). I and many others with the same illness have been told that we need to continue to shield no matter what the government tells us because our chances of surviving Covid are slim. I'm not old, I'm not over weight and before Covid, lived a "normal" life.

If that were my son, I would tell the selfish twit to go and live somewhere else. Why is his right to go out and party more important than his mothers life?

@Changes17 what are the names of these voluntary tests? I’m CV with autoimmune but would like to know…

I think your son needs to get a room in a houseshare. Don’t make it a fight (I can see why you’re angry) but treat it like the only safe solution that works for you both.

Sounds like it's not safe for him to live at home right now so he should find his own place.

[quote lannistunut]@Dogvmarmot

You can not compare Canada and UK - have you checked their relative case rates? Yesterday Canada had 495 new cases, UK had nearly >40,000 that. Population of UK is roughly double Canada? So bears no relation.

If the UK had 1,000 cases yesterday the OP's risk would be very small. What England is doing right now is insane.

I understand why people need to try to soothe themselves with false comparisons but the scientific facts are there will be a lot more deaths in England between now and Christmas as a direct result of government choices than there would be if we had stayed at level 3, or stepped back to level 2.

Is nightclubbing worth that? A matter of personal ethics.[/quote]
you have misunderstood my post. I wasn't comparing them. I was simply correcting the statement that england was the only one lifting lockdown and no longer requiring masks. I am not 'soothing myself with false comparisons' and indeed am very worried about the dropping of masks and allowing large gatherings. I am afraid the uk is bearing the consequences of voting for Boris - his character was on display for years (like trump). He has zero ethics along with the rest of the current gov't.

@MegaBeach

@Changes17 what are the names of these voluntary tests? I’m CV with autoimmune but would like to know…

My oncologist ordered mine after I'd had one done privately that I paid for from Testing for All. She said the one that she ordered looked further than the one in had done. Both showed absolutely no antibodies at all.

I think your son needs to get a room in a houseshare. Don’t make it a fight (I can see why you’re angry) but treat it like the only safe solution that works for you both.

^I agree with this. He’s an adult now after all.

[quote MegaBeach]@Changes17 what are the names of these voluntary tests? I’m CV with autoimmune but would like to know…[/quote]
There's more info here: www.nhs.uk/conditions/coronavirus-covid-19/testing/antibody-testing-to-check-if-youve-had-coronavirus/

The ONS is random selection but it has been possible to sign up for testing via VirusWatch (UCL study) as well. I'm not sure if they're still doing it though. It does take a while for results to come through though.

ucl-virus-watch.net

ftb88: He will get a mouthful from me when he turns up tomorrow but short of throwing him out I don’t see what else I can do.
........
Why give him 'a mouthful'? That is hardly going to help matters and if he complies with your house rules, there should be no problem.

At 17 people do make friends with random acquaintances, enlarging their circle. That is normal. I did it as did my friends and later, my children. Obviously some are better than others but that's life, discernment comes with maturity. If you don't try, you never learn.

I hope all is calm today and that you are protected from infection. It's a great shame that your vaccination did not produce antibodies.

I reckon he will do it again. You warned him and he did it. I think moving him out is the most sustainable and might make him more considerate in the long term. If he carries on with this selfish reckless attitude, it does not bode well for future relationships

[quote MyriadeOfThings]@GreenLakes, my understanding is that they've run out of LFT and they are very hard to find at the moment.[/quote]
I ordered a batch only this morning. There were no issues re availability.

Two of DD's friends have been to their local pharmacies this morning and picked a box up each and again, no issues getting them.

There doesn't appear to be any stock issues here.

The NHS antibody test (linked to above) only tests for antibodies made by the virus.
It doesn't check for antibodies made by the vaccine.

Pretty much anyone can have the NHS antibody test if they have ever used the Zoe Research app.

That’s good @Abraxan

I do feel for CEV people but honestly unsure what you’re going to do for the rest of your life. We know covid is just a thing we have to learn to live with now, it isn’t going to vanish. Vaccinations are our only real solution and you have had yours but it hasn’t worked. What’s your plan for the rest of your life, are you going to hide away from everyone and never leave? I honestly don’t know what the answer is for people like yourself.

My Gran won’t leave her home either and she won’t let us in. She’s like a prisoner and she’s in her 70s so potentially another 20 years to go yet and she’s wasting it sitting inside.

I don’t think your son is selfish fwiw, he’s 20 and he’s acting like a normal 20 year old. Perhaps he can’t stay with you anymore? I don’t know because this is never not going to be a problem for you, there’s always a chance he may have covid and may give you it.