Furious with Selfish Son

[fib88]

I suffer from a rare autoimmune disease and on strong medication to stop my body attacking itself. I was put on the shielding list at the beginning of lockdown and also recently found out my vaccine didn’t produce any antibodies so I have no protection. My son is home from university and goes out socialising in London most days but promised to stay out of nightclubs as a compromise. Tonight I discover he’s at a massive nightclub event in London and has pretended to be elsewhere to me. When he comes home he will stay in his bedroom but I’m expected to share a bathroom with him, wash his filthy clothes and cook for him. He pretends to care but tonight I’ve had a real eye opener - I won’t, but feel like throwing him out. I’m so bitterly disappointed in him that he cares so little for my health. I could weep!

I think YABU. This is just one of those risks that you have to take when you decide to have children, the fact that often you will have to prioritise their needs over your own. He probably doesn't like to think about the fact you might get seriously ill or worse and his coping method is avoiding the subject and getting on with his life.

Shouting at him will achieve nothing. It will be water off a duck's back, just a way of you letting off steam - a bit like him going clubbing is a way of him letting off steam.

If you don't change what you're doing, so how his life operates, shouting is just tolerable background noise.

Time for serious sit down and talk.

He does his laundry, he cleans the bathroom after he uses it, hand gel and mask when shopping etc.

He's lied to you about where he is so that's trust gone.

Tell him he gets with the programme about protecting your health, or he needs to find somewhere else to live. There's a lot of land between putting up with this, and packing his bags and locking the door. Do be clear and graphic - how would you feel if I ended up with covid, in hospital, with long covid, or died because you lied about going partying?

He is an adult, he can get an air bnb and get a job to pay for it, sort his own food and laundry.

@Foundatarantulainmykitchen

There’s no possible way you could no that your vaccine has failed. Whoever told you that needs reprimanding

You can get antibody tests for both virus acquired and vaccine acquired ones.

I have had a virus acquired test but not a vaccine one yet.

I'd be devastated if my kids behaved in such a callous way. What kind of son would deliberately put their parent at risk... and then lie about it? Is it ignorance or just selfishness? I'd drag him along to your doctor so he can learn more about the potential repercussions of his behaviour.

I think maybe a compromise is needed.

Firstly he dire his own washing and cleaning.

And if he is going clubbing he takes extra precautions when home. Regular testing, staying elsewhere for a few nights when clubbing, doing his own cleaning and cooking , keeping his distance, etc. Can he spend time at his university accommodation perhaps?

it's only natural he wants to go out to clubs etc. He's a young person who hasn't had these freedoms - possibly hasn't ever had the chance due to turning 18 during a pandemic.

Lots of CEV people are now back to work with no additional restrictions in place, including in busy overcrowded workplaces without SDing, etc and have been for a while. I'm only CV though was shielded initially and then added to the extra care group re vaccination at the end in March, but have been expected to work without masks and no social distancing on and off during the pandemic. I was fortunate enough to be protected during the two main lockdowns but had no choice to work during the autumn and since March, all without protection.

Whilst it must be very scary to be in your position some compromise will be needed for the whole household to move forward.

He had lied because he knows he'd be banned from going. He's a young person and won't see the risks in the same way.

So: Rather than shouting at him it would be better to make a plan of action where you can be safely protected and he can enjoy socialising with his friends.

If that means he needs to spend time living away from home then that's something you could look into.

My DM is also EV and has also been taking part in a trial checking antibodies.

OP I'd chuck him out for a few days, he's obviously got friends he can stay with and show him you're serious. Then he can decide whether he's going to follow your rules and if he's not he can find somewhere else to stay.

I would feel very sorry for him if he did live a limited life to protect you. It's not what I'd want for my son. But then I wouldn't want him to be selfish either and it would be nice if he seemed to care. This would be more of a dilemma for me than it seems to be for you.

@ChainJane one of those risks? Until a year and a half ago I'm sure none of us would thought we'd be in this position.

How about her son puts off clubbing for a couple more months until he's back at uni, what's a few months when it could save your Mum's life?

This is a serious virus especially for the extremely clinically vulnerable that could not only affect them for the rest of their lives or even kill them. But don't worry about that - her son wants to go clubbing and we need to make sacrifices for our kids!

OP this must be very hard and I am sorry you have to deal with this on top of the stress your condition must cause you.
I think you need to have another talk with him about how he can party as much as he likes when he goes back to uni but for now he needs to be considerate and act like a as grown up.
I would be putting in some ground rules.

1. Washing everyone does their own laundry but if you have got space you can say hey do you have any whites/ darks Chuck them in the machine and I’ll put it on.
2. Sharing of chores. He needs to learn or he’ll be the worst house mate ever and everyone will think he’s an arse.
3. If he’s going out, pub gardens, friends gardens ok. Nightclubs he needs to talk with you and find somewhere to stay afterwards, ideally for 7 - 10 days.
4. He needs to order lateral flow tests and take one every couple of days no matter what he is up to.

I would also suggest maybe he looks for a summer job, something outdoors. It will keep him busy and out of your hair. Maybe he can use the money for accommodation where needed. I appreciate this is easier said than done. Good luck OP, he’s obviously told himself your being ott to justify doing exactly what he pleases. He needs to grow up a bit.

Honestly OP, I'm a super involved, my kid is number one, attachment parent who would sacrifice almost anything for my child. But you need to tell your son he can't live with you. You are, as has been said by knowledgable posters, in far more danger now than you were in earlier stages of the pandemic. You and whoever lives with you needs to be shielding. You son has to choose between shielding or living elsewhere. That's just the reality.

Think of it this way. By telling him he needs to live elsewhere, you are protecting him from how shit he'll feel for the rest of his life if he brings the virus home and it kills you. He'll never, ever, ever get over that if it happens. And there is actually a realistic chance it will happen if things continue as they are. My XH infected me back near the start of the pandemic. He decided his illness definitely couldn't possibly be Covid as he hadn't been in Italy or China and he'd ignore the advice to isolate because he was right and everyone else was being silly. I'm extremely healthy, athletically fit and I was fucked up for nearly a year. I still have a number of issues that haven't cleared up. All because someone knew better than the scientists. In your case, you can't take the risk of living with someone who isn't willing to see the difference between an economic decision and following the health advice with regards to your need to shield.

You can make this decision lovingly. Tell your son without anger that you simply can not live with someone who isn't shielding. That you aren't judging him for making his decisions re-his social life. But that he can not live like that and live in your home.

@ChainJane

I think YABU. This is just one of those risks that you have to take when you decide to have children, the fact that often you will have to prioritise their needs over your own. He probably doesn't like to think about the fact you might get seriously ill or worse and his coping method is avoiding the subject and getting on with his life.

Ignoring most goady posts, but you think that one of the risks you take when you decide to have children is that you might be diagnosed with a rare illness, then be caught up in a pandemic which happens to put people like you at the highest risk, then your son might go to nightclubs and lie about it?

I shouldn't be giving you attention, but this one is particularly laughable. You loon.

I think YABU. This is just one of those risks that you have to take when you decide to have children, the fact that often you will have to prioritise their needs over your own

God I read some absolute shit here but this about takes the

He knows OP is worried - with very good reason - about her health. She doesn't want the disease.

And yet he lives under her roof with all the services (does he pay rent?) and lies to her face about the danger he's putting her in.

Fuck that. Tell him to go. Right now.

This is just one of those risks that you have to take when you decide to have children, the fact that often you will have to prioritise their needs over your own

Sorry what?? 😂

The son attending a nightclub is a WANT, the maintenance of ops health is a NEED.

Her sons list of wants don't come before ops needs. That's how spoiled brats are created.

I thoroughly agree with the posters telling you to stop washing his clothes and cooking his meals. As another poster said you're going to have to change your actions rather than getting angry. Do yourself and his future wife a favour, take the matyr hat off and force him to sort his shit out.

If he's that oblivious and selfish I also think it's a good idea if he stays with friends when he comes home or stays put at uni.

Teach your son to cook, if he's fit enough to go out clubbing, he is fit enough to cook meals and do his own laundry. You also need to sit down with him and talk to him about your health issues and concerns. Women do sometimes post on these threads about men/partners not pulling their weight. This is why. You are doing your son no favours and if he gets used to his 'hotel' lifestyle he will inflict this behaviour on any future partner. He needs to be doing more to support you and looking after himself. I do understand about a need to let off steam and I remember what it was like to be young, but young people also need to learn to look after themselves.

@trancepants

Honestly OP, I'm a super involved, my kid is number one, attachment parent who would sacrifice almost anything for my child. But you need to tell your son he can't live with you. You are, as has been said by knowledgable posters, in far more danger now than you were in earlier stages of the pandemic. You and whoever lives with you needs to be shielding. You son has to choose between shielding or living elsewhere. That's just the reality.

Think of it this way. By telling him he needs to live elsewhere, you are protecting him from how shit he'll feel for the rest of his life if he brings the virus home and it kills you. He'll never, ever, ever get over that if it happens. And there is actually a realistic chance it will happen if things continue as they are. My XH infected me back near the start of the pandemic. He decided his illness definitely couldn't possibly be Covid as he hadn't been in Italy or China and he'd ignore the advice to isolate because he was right and everyone else was being silly. I'm extremely healthy, athletically fit and I was fucked up for nearly a year. I still have a number of issues that haven't cleared up. All because someone knew better than the scientists. In your case, you can't take the risk of living with someone who isn't willing to see the difference between an economic decision and following the health advice with regards to your need to shield.

You can make this decision lovingly. Tell your son without anger that you simply can not live with someone who isn't shielding. That you aren't judging him for making his decisions re-his social life. But that he can not live like that and live in your home.

This

Stop washing his clothes. Stop cleaning up after him. If he's old enough to go clubbing, he's old enough to use a washing machine.

That's awful about the vaccine being ineffective - my brother has an autoimmune disorder and as far as I know, he's been told he's as protected as anyone else who has been double jabbed.

Hi OP

I just wanted to say because obviously you don't want to kick him out either

My sisters son caught covid about a month ago they all share the same house! Her partner also caught it but he apparently drank from the same glass a few times however my sister did not get it even tho she was looking after both of them she kept on top of the cleaning handwashing etc
One had a cough the other did not

What I'm trying to say is although it's easily spread you can take your own precautions to limit your chance of getting it!

I think your son needs to take a look at himself and understand the consequences it could cause if you do become infected he's not a child and whilst living with you he needs to protect you

Well I do know a man (mid 20s, went down the 5G conspiracy route) who brought Covid home and his (questionably CV, mid-50s) mother died. His guilt has given him some serious MH issues, he was close to his mother. I don't know how he is now, he's sort of gone 'off-grid' but one hopes he can heal from that. Who really knows if he brought it into the home, but he blames himself.

This virus does not kill the majority of ECV/CV people it infects, which is reassuring. But for your sons sake also, protect yourself.

@Foundatarantulainmykitchen

There’s no possible way you could no that your vaccine has failed. Whoever told you that needs reprimanding

As the OP says, she's in a study and so does know. I also know my antibody response because I'm in the ONS survey. But there are studies that you can voluntarily sign up to where you would find out.

He's an adult - why are your doing his washing and cooking? And why are you not standing up for your own health and the boundaries required to keep you safe? He's lying to you and putting your health at risk. Sorry OP but I think it's time you stood up for yourself, and it's time for him to grow up (and also time for him to become a decent human being).

mumsiedarlingrevolta

Thanks, I had the Pfizer and I was tested after my second dose 🥲

Why on earth are you cooking and doing the washing of a 20 year old man!!!!!!!!

This is just one of those risks that you have to take when you decide to have children, the fact that often you will have to prioritise their needs over your own

Ha! My DD reckons that since I chose to have children, I should let her do whatever she wants. She's 10.

In this case, though, the DS is 20, and an adult. OP, I think in your shoes I would be telling him that you need a serious talk before he returns and that he needs to start taking responsibility. If he goes clubbing then he needs to self-isolate elsewhere for 10 days before returning. I wouldn't risk serious illness so my kid could go clubbing – why should you? Does he really get it?

Separately, he also needs to take responsibility for his own washing and help with cleaning. Once kids are adults they do need to step up.