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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not do the school run anymore

191 replies

TangledTangles · 21/07/2021 09:14

I used to do the school run a lot for DHs kids, DSD and DSS. They are here the majority of time, just over 50% at 4 nights per week and with their Mum for 3.

I used to do the school run on both DHs days and their Mum's days regularly because my work is down the road from the school and it was easiest out of all of us for me to get to work on time when dropping off and quickest for me to get back to them at after school club after work.

I'd say (outside of Covid) this was going on for about a year and a half. It started as me just helping out a few times and gradually just became the norm.

I recently had a baby, she is 5 months old. I haven't done the morning school run since. She is a bad sleeper and I'm knackered basically, mornings is actually when she sleeps the longest chunk so I am not getting up and dragging us both on the school run. DH and ex seemed understanding at first but I can sense this is waning now and I keep being asked with by both, occasionally with a slight tone of annoyance and sort of "why can't you". It's been stressful between them trying to sort it themselves for the last 5 months I think but quite honestly I don't care.

AIBU to say to both that they need to assume from now on they will be doing this themselves and I won't be available, IF I feel I can help every now and then I will but they should assume it'll be them from now on.

I think my husband doesn't mind as much as he starts work a little later but I know it's a struggle for his ex on her days and she was quite relieved when I started doing this (and grateful at the time).

OP posts:

Pottedpalm · 21/07/2021 09:19

Would it work for you to offer to share? Or would that just open it up to thinking of course you can do it every day?

Monoxide · 21/07/2021 09:20

YANBU. Not your problem. Let them look after their own kids.

CagneyNYPD · 21/07/2021 09:20

Quick question... Will the ex be offering to help you in 5 years time with the school run?

By all means help your dh out on his days if and when you want to. You are meant to be a team.

The ex's childcare and work situation is none of your concern. Unless she is a good friend of yours?

Original poster

TangledTangles · 21/07/2021 09:22

The main reason I'm reluctant to offer to share is I never know when DD is going to have a really bad night. The other day for example she was up regularly throughout the night (teething I think) and she didn't go down for a solid chunk of sleep until about 7am. If I'm then getting up and out of the house by 8:30 we are both miserable all day.

I can't cancel because of this though once I've said I'm doing it a certain day as they'll both have gone to work by then or not made other arrangements.

OP posts:

CustardyCreams · 21/07/2021 09:23

Yadnbu. It was nice of you to make life easier for DH and his ex, but there’s no onus on you to pick up those responsibilities again. Two parents for these step kids are more than capable of managing the school runs, just like other parents manage. Congrats on your baby, btw.

disappear · 21/07/2021 09:23

You helped out when you were going that way, to work, to help them out. If you are on maternity leave, you are no longer going that way so there is no reason for you to take the DSC to school.

Youdiditanyway · 21/07/2021 09:24

YANBU at all. I can see why you fell into taking them to school with it being so close to your workplace but you’re currently not at work and you have a baby keeping you up through the night. They can sort it themselves.

SprayedWithDettol · 21/07/2021 09:25

Well they would have to cope if you weren’t there, so they have to cope now.

Original poster

TangledTangles · 21/07/2021 09:25

Quick question... Will the ex be offering to help you in 5 years time with the school run?

To be fair, if it were the same scenario as before DD i.e. she was going that way anyway I actually think she would if we needed the help!

But I wouldn't expect it obviously.

We've always gotten along well though.

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 21/07/2021 09:28

I can see why you might have done it on your DH’s days if your work was that way anyway and the children were with you. You are not at work now though, presumably and on mat leave!

How on earth did you start taking them in the ex’s days though?! Would you get up, go to hers, collect the kids and go to their school?! How on earth did that arrangement start??

I wouldn’t do that again! The school run of her kids on her days is for her to arrange.

Pottedpalm · 21/07/2021 09:28

I’m waiting for the anti step-mum brigade to tell you you are making the DSC feel they are being rejected because of the new baby.

RealBecca · 21/07/2021 09:28

My willingness would be informed by how much DH was doing with baby in the night.

if you are on maternity then drop offs and collecting are no longer convenient for you as not near work.

Im team OP on this but i do think you need to be clear to your DH that you arent available to do this anymore and shut down their expectation that you can be persuaded. Id also not be too quick to volunteer to do it when you feel you can or that is likely to be exploited. Dont offer it up but on occasions when you do feel able to you could say at the time. Otherwise they will keep looking to you.

TubeOfSmarties · 21/07/2021 09:28

I think you and your husband can work out between you what happens on the days the children are with you (perhaps as things go on you might drop them while he gets ready for work and watches the baby). Whatever works for you as a household, with two parents chipping in.

But their mother should not be relying on you to fulfil her responsibility to get the children to school when they are with her. While it worked for you, it was lovely that you did it. But I don't see how it's an obligation.

Sally872 · 21/07/2021 09:28

Are you even at work? The reason you helped is because you were working nearby if on mat leave you are the person least likely to be up an ready to go at that time. Should not even be a hint of you doing it.

If you are going back to work you may look at situation again, but having your own child's drop off/pick up to factor in with DH does mean they shouldn't assume you will do school run at any point.

Lampzade · 21/07/2021 09:29

Op, you did the school run when it was convenient for you. It is no longer convenient.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 21/07/2021 09:30

YADNBU!!!

it's been lovely of you to help out because you had the time. no you don't have the time. not your problem.
simples!

Congratulations on your baby!

Howshouldibehave · 21/07/2021 09:30

H and ex seemed understanding at first but I can sense this is waning now and I keep being asked with by both, occasionally with a slight tone of annoyance and sort of "why can't you"

I can’t imagine a scenario where people would be irritated at someone on maternity leave with a tiny baby. It’s their kids, not yours. They managed before you came along and can manage again. I would answer, ‘I’m
Not going to… Because they are your kids’.

Original poster

TangledTangles · 21/07/2021 09:31

How on earth did you start taking them in the ex’s days though?!

She'd drop them off here on her way out.

DSD is actually in secondary school so could technically get there herself although I don't think she'd like that and it's practically next door to the primary school where DSS is, but SS can be quite challenging (we suspect there may be more going on) so no one wants DSD to be in charge of him alone on the way to school.

OP posts:

Thehop · 21/07/2021 09:31

YANBU at all op.

Original poster

TangledTangles · 21/07/2021 09:34

@Sally872

If you are going back to work you may look at situation again, but having your own child's drop off/pick up to factor in with DH does mean they shouldn't assume you will do school run at any point.

No not at work at the moment. I'm due to go back in November but I'll have to take DD to nursery then so I won't be able to do it then either which I'm not sure they have thought about yet!

OP posts:

HugeAckmansWife · 21/07/2021 09:37

I don't know. Is this not what being a blended family is? The older kids are with you a lot and they are now half siblings to your child. On the ex's days, no fine, fair enough but on the days they are with you I think it's a normal thing for the adults in the house to share the parenting that needs doing, especially as they are with you so much. I don't think you can pick and choose when you're 'blended' and when not.
My ex and his current wife do this. When it suits them, they are a 'blended family' and its all 'we think' and 'our 3 children' and I have to consider her and her dds arrangements in mine and ex's. Then when it would be inconvenient, like their stepmum is home and available but ex isn't, all of a sudden its like she doesn't exist and has no role or responsibility at all. I don't think it should all be dumped on you at all, but I don't think it's fair for you to just step back and say 'nothing to do with me' at this point.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 21/07/2021 09:38

Whats the plan for after maternity leave? Presumably the baby will need dropping off at childcare somewhere, which could be a completely different direction, so thats going to be needed to be worked into the plan somewhere.

DanielTigersMummy21 · 21/07/2021 09:42

You have already been a great supportive wife and stepmum, you don't need to carry on with this with a young baby. Having a young baby is like a marathon, you need to pace yourself. You are going to have many more sleepless nights over the next year with teething, illness, sleep regressions etc. You need to be careful not to burn out. What sticks out to me from your posts is that you seem to feel the need to justify yourself to DH and ex... when you have a young baby it is okay to say no to doing favours for others and not have to justify it.

VodkaSlimline · 21/07/2021 09:43

YANBU. DSD can definitely make her own way to school. How old is DSS? Are you planning to go back to work at the same place after mat leave and if so do you already know where the baby's nursery will be?

Howshouldibehave · 21/07/2021 09:43

I'm due to go back in November but I'll have to take DD to nursery then so I won't be able to do it then either which I'm not sure they have thought about yet!

Well, I would be saying all of that every time one of them asked me, ‘why can't you?’ in an annoyed tone. That’s so rude.

I’m not doing it as I’ve just had a baby and am not going that way. I won’t be doing it in November as the baby’s nursery is in the opposite direction and I won’t be going that way then either.

How are they getting their own children to school now between them?

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