Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

To not do the school run anymore

191 replies

TangledTangles · 21/07/2021 09:14

I used to do the school run a lot for DHs kids, DSD and DSS. They are here the majority of time, just over 50% at 4 nights per week and with their Mum for 3.

I used to do the school run on both DHs days and their Mum's days regularly because my work is down the road from the school and it was easiest out of all of us for me to get to work on time when dropping off and quickest for me to get back to them at after school club after work.

I'd say (outside of Covid) this was going on for about a year and a half. It started as me just helping out a few times and gradually just became the norm.

I recently had a baby, she is 5 months old. I haven't done the morning school run since. She is a bad sleeper and I'm knackered basically, mornings is actually when she sleeps the longest chunk so I am not getting up and dragging us both on the school run. DH and ex seemed understanding at first but I can sense this is waning now and I keep being asked with by both, occasionally with a slight tone of annoyance and sort of "why can't you". It's been stressful between them trying to sort it themselves for the last 5 months I think but quite honestly I don't care.

AIBU to say to both that they need to assume from now on they will be doing this themselves and I won't be available, IF I feel I can help every now and then I will but they should assume it'll be them from now on.

I think my husband doesn't mind as much as he starts work a little later but I know it's a struggle for his ex on her days and she was quite relieved when I started doing this (and grateful at the time).

OP posts:

Hertsgirl10 · 22/07/2021 18:11

What about getting a childminder?

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/07/2021 18:13

@blakeway45

Your DH and his ex should cough up and pay for breakfast club so they can be dropped off earlier at school.

OP has already posted "no breakfast club at the moment still due to Covid as far as I'm aware" . It's not an option right now.

Original poster

TangledTangles · 22/07/2021 18:16

@custardbear

Does the ex have a partner who can help?

No she doesn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

TangledTangles · 22/07/2021 18:17

DSD cannot take DSS to school. As I said previously he has challenging behaviour and none of us feel confident leaving her in charge of him on her own.

OP posts:

pollymere · 22/07/2021 18:28

It sounds petty but I wouldn't have an issue helping my husband out but not his ex. Mine would probably organize a later start at work (and has in the past) for school drop offs with me doing the odd ones he couldn't do for meetings etc. He will have to find a solution when you return to work anyway. Hopefully the Breakfast clubs will start again soon. He could also consider a walking childminder so you drop the kids off and they just walk them to school (it was hugely cheaper than Breakfast Club).

NeonDreams · 22/07/2021 18:32

@TangledTangles

DSD cannot take DSS to school. As I said previously he has challenging behaviour and none of us feel confident leaving her in charge of him on her own.

How old is he? Surely he can walk to school on his own?

Original poster

TangledTangles · 22/07/2021 18:37

Unfortunately not. As I said he has some behavioural issues and we suspect there is likely more to it. We wouldn't trust him to walk alone especially things like crossing roads. I appreciate a lot of kids by his age would be able to do that but unfortunately it's not something any of us would feel comfortable doing right now.

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 22/07/2021 18:42

@TangledTangles

Have you said anything to your DP about not wanting to do this any more?

calvados · 22/07/2021 18:44

Ask his ex to babysit for you in exchange one evening a week so you can catch up on some sleep or have quality time with your hubby! Bet that won’t go down well but if it does…..?!

peppermintpat · 22/07/2021 18:46

I wouldn't be driving kids about who weren't mine. No way. Been there and made it clear they were his to deal with. Sounds harsh but they were a pair of cows (twins).

wingsanddreams · 22/07/2021 18:49

How about kids breakfast club? Do they not want to pay for it because they expect free childcare from you?

Barmychick · 22/07/2021 18:52

Yadnu

RandomMess · 22/07/2021 18:53

I would have a very honest discussion with DH and tell him you aren't doing it and come November you can't. Perhaps it just needs to be that the DC get dropped at yours and DH drops them off every day.

cherish123 · 22/07/2021 19:01

Not your responsibility.

It's a nice favour. That's all. Even though you are off, I'd say no if it doesn't suit.

BorderlineHappy · 22/07/2021 19:19

They have the whole summer to sort something out.

They need to get off their arses and do something about it.

@TangledTangles have you wrote about this before,as it sounds familliar.

ERFFER · 22/07/2021 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whittingtonmum · 22/07/2021 21:31

Of course ok to say no to morning drop offs. DP drops kids on his days and ex-wife on her days. All sorted. If she doesn't like it she can hire a before school nanny, use the breakfast club or make other arrangements as many single parents do.

SherbrookeFosterer · 22/07/2021 22:52

Everyone's energy levels ebb and flow.

OP, I keep a spreadsheet of mine; I range each day from 1-2-3-4-5, very basic, very simple, and I see patterns, I put an * when I could have done more but was stopped by extenuating circumstances.

It sounds like you need a break to recharge guilt free, and when you are ready get back into the saddle.

With my system I can anticipate and put people in place.

Never feel guilty taking a step back, it will make you a better parent in the long run.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 23/07/2021 01:04

I'm very much in the camp of step-parents participating in the life of the SDC, especially when there's a significant level of shared care - as in this case. I've seen lots of posts in here saying to the stepmum "it's not your problem" but I don't agree.

So, I came to this with the expectation of thinking you were probably going to be another one that I thought was BU - but I think exactly the opposite! You have been absolutely amazing and it's actually so lovely to see a situation where everyone is working together for the benefit of the DC.

You are on maternity leave and you have a very young baby whose sleep is erratic. It's not as if there is no solution at all for your SDC to get to school. Your DH and his ex can get their DC to school, it's just a bit of a pain. Plus, you are still doing the pick-ups for them so it's not as if you've washed your hands. That compromises your day and what you can do because you always have to get back for the school finish.

One thing that helped me in the past was the notion that when you say yes to one thing, you're saying no to something else. If you said yes to taking the SDC to school, what would you be saying no to? You'd be saying no to getting a chunk of unbroken sleep, you'd be saying no to you and your baby being properly rested and you'd be saying no to having a productive and enjoyable day. In essence, you'd be saying no to your baby's needs just so you make life easier for your DH and his ex. That's not balanced or fair.

Yes, it is a blended family but that blended family now includes your baby - and their needs are just as important as the older DC.

Localocal · 23/07/2021 01:34

I think it's for your DP to help out his ex by doing the morning run on her days as well as his. I would feel the same way about the morning run and I think you are well within your rights to say you can't help for the foreseeable. But maybe you can help with the pickups? It might be nice to have an outing at that time of day with baby, and at least the parents could work a bit later.

Lulu49 · 23/07/2021 01:45

If your at home on maternity leave and the kids are with you 4 days a week then you and your partner need to share the school runs. Your baby will sleep on the school run. What happens if you have another baby when your current baby is at school/nursery? You are going to have to do the school run with a baby like thousands of women do. You aren’t working and hopefully can have a catch up nap at some point during the day. School run on mums days I would say aren’t your problem .

Flatwhitetostayin · 23/07/2021 02:07

Hi op,

I think you've been great helping your step children's mum when you could. Regardless of whether it was the least inconvenient for you to do the school runs, it would still have been out of your way.

However your step childrens mum only has responsility for 2 children, 2 days a week. You and your husband now have responsibility for 1 child 5 days a week and 2 children 4 days a week, so now is the time for favours to stop as you have enough on your plate.

I'm a bit concerned about your husbands attitude towards your time. I don't know how much he's doing, but if you are up all night and spend all day with your little one, plus he expects you to do things for his kids too, even when the children are their mum's responsility you definitely need to have a chat about him respecting your contribution to the family and looking at how much he's contributing and matching it.

You sound lovely op, but it sounds like they are both taking advantage of your kind nature.

Flatwhitetostayin · 23/07/2021 02:11

Also to add, people saying about other mums with multiple children doing school runs, yes they do - but you are a different person after a second or third child. Having your first is the biggest challenge of your life. A period of major adjustment, and the op is going through that plus looking after 2 other children 4 days a week. Very few first time mums have to do all of that - so give her a break!

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2021 02:21

Is DH offering to do all the night wakings on the nights you do the school run? No, then off he trots.

IdblowJonSnow · 23/07/2021 03:22

Of course yanbu!

They are both taking the piss!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Swipe left for the next trending thread