To not do the school run anymore

[TangledTangles]

I used to do the school run a lot for DHs kids, DSD and DSS. They are here the majority of time, just over 50% at 4 nights per week and with their Mum for 3.

I used to do the school run on both DHs days and their Mum's days regularly because my work is down the road from the school and it was easiest out of all of us for me to get to work on time when dropping off and quickest for me to get back to them at after school club after work.

I'd say (outside of Covid) this was going on for about a year and a half. It started as me just helping out a few times and gradually just became the norm.

I recently had a baby, she is 5 months old. I haven't done the morning school run since. She is a bad sleeper and I'm knackered basically, mornings is actually when she sleeps the longest chunk so I am not getting up and dragging us both on the school run. DH and ex seemed understanding at first but I can sense this is waning now and I keep being asked with by both, occasionally with a slight tone of annoyance and sort of "why can't you". It's been stressful between them trying to sort it themselves for the last 5 months I think but quite honestly I don't care.

AIBU to say to both that they need to assume from now on they will be doing this themselves and I won't be available, IF I feel I can help every now and then I will but they should assume it'll be them from now on.

I think my husband doesn't mind as much as he starts work a little later but I know it's a struggle for his ex on her days and she was quite relieved when I started doing this (and grateful at the time).

@Flatwhitetostayin

Also to add, people saying about other mums with multiple children doing school runs, yes they do - but you are a different person after a second or third child. Having your first is the biggest challenge of your life. A period of major adjustment, and the op is going through that plus looking after 2 other children 4 days a week. Very few first time mums have to do all of that - so give her a break!

Completely agree.

Loads of mums do pick ups with babies but that doesn't mean it isn't a PITA.

I bet the OP is run off her feet.

Having a first new baby is a special time.
Hers is being hugely impacted by being run off her feet with two other children.

She will regret this time in the future as is flys by so quickly and she realises that she was always under so much pressure with her step children.

Her husband won't care because he and his ex have the use of her au pair/skivvying services to look after their children.

OP is never going to have the freedom of meeting up with other mums when her baby is a toddler because she will ALWAYS be on the clock for pick ups.

She will regret being used the way she is, but she is a doormat/passive, and that is why she was chosen as second wife material.

YANBU at all OP.

Is DH offering to do all the night wakings on the nights you do the school run? No, then off he trots

Indeed.

Your DH needs to ask to flexi his hours by 15 mins.

This is only going to get more problematic for him - within the next year, he'll need to be doing half of the school runs for DSD, AND half the nursery runs for DC.

He's the one who chose to have these kids. He needs to step up and actually do a fair share of the work.

OP, from what I can tell, the school run itself isn't the issue, it's the fact that your baby's sleep pattern means it happens when you need your valuable sleep.

If you aren't BF, then agree to the morning school run instead of the afternoon one for a week or two, on condition that DH does all the night wakings (he doesn't want someone sleep deprived driving his DCs around, surely). If the baby is asleep, DH will have to wait for you to get back before he leaves for work.

I imagine it won't be long before DH realises that you aren't being unreasonable at all.

Yanbu at all.

Not your job to do.

I wouldn’t dream of asking my kids’ step mum to do the school runs. At all, but especially not with a new baby. Not your job to do. The great thing about your first baby is that if their want to do their sleeping in the morning hours, both you and tjey can!

Yanbu at all. The school run is very much not your problem.

You helped out before your own baby arrived because it wasn't much out of your way as you were going to work anyway. There is no reason whatsoever why you should make an extra journey on a day when you aren't going to work.

If you return to work after maternity leave and if your baby's childcare arrangements are compatible with combining with a school dropoff/pickup then that can be discussed then, but if the best childcare option for your baby doesn't fit with providing school run services that is also ok.

Like a pp said, it's not as if DH's Ex is going to be returning the favour in 5 years time is it? You don't owe her anything.

If

she is a doormat/passive, and that is why she was chosen as second wife material.

I’m not saying the OP is a doormat, but do you think this is how men choose their second wives? I’ve noticed ex’s new partner putting up with stuff that would have given me the rage (and did), although she might just not want to make a fuss when I’m there.

If your at home on maternity leave and the kids are with you 4 days a week then you and your partner need to share the school runs
Once more, for those at the back - OP is currently sharing the school runs by doing all the pick ups.
Her DH does not want to share.
He wants OP to do it all.

If these were OP’s own kids there’s no question she would be sharing morning drop offs with DH.

Really? Because the kids are her husband's 'own' kids and there's clearly been a lot of questioning about whether he needs to share drop offs! It's amazing how much higher standards are applied to step parents than the actual parents here.

Sounds to me like they’re thinking “she’s on Mat leave, doing nothing all day - surely she can help out?”. Well we all know how much of a “holiday” Mat leave is don’t we?!

YANBU in the slightest. Mat leave is for mum to rest and recuperate after a very intensive physical experience as well as time to bond with a new baby. It’s not about running around after everyone else. Doing the school run when you and baby need to sleep is very unreasonable. If and when you go back to work and are able to help out, brilliant. Until then they will have to sort it out.

Are you able to offer pick ups as a compromise gesture (if you feel that might work for you and baby)? They could maybe then flex hours slightly so the drop off in the morning isn’t as stressful?

This if it were here children rubbish really pisses me off.

These are NOT OP's children. How about if OP wasn't around the children's parents would have to do it themselves anyway as they wouldn't have their skivvy racing around for them.

I'm not a step mum, I can see the injustice injustice of this. OP has had a baby and is getting to grips with the exhausting new baby stage, the parents of her step-children should parent their own children, and sort out the school runs themselves, what did they do prior to OP being around if family member couldn't do the school run for them?
The mother and father sound ridiculously lazy in this scenario.

Not many of us have the luxury of three adults to do the school run for us and amazingly we all manage.

I must be the only one who married DH and didn't expect him to become the family drudge to my older DC because he 'married me and I had children and he should have known what he got himself in to'🙄 DH mucks in but I never expect him to be the default skivvy my older children are not his responsibility if I got divorced DH could do nothing to see them if they didn't voluntarily want to, he would owe them nothing.

What a load of cobblers about they're your responsibility and you'd have to do it if they were yours. They're not OP's kids, if OP tried in any shape or form to try and behave like their mum there would be hysteria on here and in RL, with their mum kicking off.

OP sounds lovely, both her H and the children's mother sound like lazy cheeky fuckers.

OP don't offer anything, you need the maternity leave to heal and bond with your baby and eventually getting ready to return to work. I wouldn't put myself out anymore.

I can see it from both sides. If it was your own kids, you'd still have to drag yourself out of the door on the school run, wouldn't you? Regardless of a bad night with the baby. But on the other hand, there are another two adults involved here

Well this is an interesting take, because you’re saying if they were OPs kids, she’d still have to do it with a newborn, whilst in the knowledge that the actual parents are looking not to do it themselves. It’s a bit of a double standard. Either it’s the actual parents responsibility (and the OP would have to do it with a new born if they were hers) and so the 2 parents involved need to sort this, or it’s not a parents job, in which case OP wouldn’t have to do it with a newborn if they were hers.

@ibblebibbledibble

I’m really surprised about the responses to this one, surely if you marry a man with children you would expect to help out. I’m not saying be a walkover, but you can’t just wash your hands and say ‘your kids, your problem’ - that’s a fast track way for storing up problems and creating an ‘us and them’ environment.

Can you explain how OP, who is still doing all the pick ups, is washing her hands of the kids, but the 2 parents who up until recently, weren’t doing any school runs at all, are not washing their hands of them?

Why can't he do it more?

If these were OP’s own kids there’s no question she would be sharing morning drop offs with DH

Perfect, then there should be no question that their mum should share the morning drops offs with him then, right?

You initially presented it as "I did it because I was working close by". Well, now you aren't working (close or otherwise) so that reason for you to do it doesn't exist any more. Certainly help out if you want, but on your terms.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

she is a doormat/passive, and that is why she was chosen as second wife material.

I’m not saying the OP is a doormat, but do you think this is how men choose their second wives? I’ve noticed ex’s new partner putting up with stuff that would have given me the rage (and did), although she might just not want to make a fuss when I’m there.

Yes I do.

Because most women with an ounce of self confidence wouldn't be used and imposed upon like this.

The children's father has zero interest in doing the runs.
He wants OP to do it, after being up with the baby.

Any women normally would say, not a chance.
But her husband wouldn't have had a girlfriend not to mind marry a woman who wasn't prepared to act as au pair/skivvy.

He's an avoidant parent.
He has zero interest in doing the tough bits of parenting, that's what the OP is for.

The OP is obviously a nice woman, but totally under his thumb.

A decent man wouldn't dream of suggesting this.

What the OP doesn't realise is that baby's routines change and she could well have lift her baby out of his cot for collections and instead of allowing him to sleep on.

Constant interruptions to naps cause baby's to be crankier.

Of course it often cannot be avoided with subsequent children but with the first it definitely is one of the bonuses.

Well this is an interesting take, because you’re saying if they were OPs kids, she’d still have to do it with a newborn, whilst in the knowledge that the actual parents are looking not to do it themselves. It’s a bit of a double standard. Either it’s the actual parents responsibility (and the OP would have to do it with a new born if they were hers) and so the 2 parents involved need to sort this, or it’s not a parents job, in which case OP wouldn’t have to do it with a newborn if they were hers.

Perfectly illustrates the knots people tie themselves in to try and say a SP should be obliged to do things like this. It doesn't stack up at all.

@Lulu49

If your at home on maternity leave and the kids are with you 4 days a week then you and your partner need to share the school runs. Your baby will sleep on the school run. What happens if you have another baby when your current baby is at school/nursery? You are going to have to do the school run with a baby like thousands of women do. You aren’t working and hopefully can have a catch up nap at some point during the day. School run on mums days I would say aren’t your problem .

I mean, what on Earth is your justification behind OP needing to do this? You haven't even given it you've just stated it as fact.

I think the OP has been most accommodating and, in my view, now that she has a young baby it is not reasonable for her to be taking on this extra responsibility. It appears that she already cares for the children hat home quite a lot of the time and that should be enough.

Tangled You sound like a very reasonable sort of person and I think this matter should primarily be your husband's and his ex's to sort out between them.

Have the parents thought about who will be doing pick ups from November, once you have gone back to work?

@Leeds2

Have the parents thought about who will be doing pick ups from November, once you have gone back to work?

I presume they assume it’s back to the OP as she works by the school! OP-you need to spell it out now and give them plenty of time.

It’s irrelevant that mums of more than 1 child take their older children to school after a bad night sleep with the baby.
It’s frustrating how people think it’s even remotely comparable.

I’ve been there myself as that mum sleep deprived while taking responsibility for my children getting to school.
I can fully understand why a stepmum who is a first time mum would decide to take a step back from something that isn’t in any way shape or form her responsibility and leaving the parents to crack on with it while she concentrates on life with her baby.

If the OP has a second baby, then she will be a mum taking her older children to school while juggling a baby. But for now she is a mum of one and this decision reflects that.

She’s picking dss up in the afternoon which is more than enough. OP, jus make sure you don’t miss out on things while on maternity leave if you’re committing to the afternoon school run. Something to bear in mind.

Who is looking after dsc during the school holidays while you’re off work too?

I’d have carried on doing it personally so as not to disrupt their routine, so they didn’t feel pushed out now their is the new baby and because if I was in a relationship where there were existing children I’d see it as one family not two.