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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not do the school run anymore

191 replies

TangledTangles · 21/07/2021 09:14

I used to do the school run a lot for DHs kids, DSD and DSS. They are here the majority of time, just over 50% at 4 nights per week and with their Mum for 3.

I used to do the school run on both DHs days and their Mum's days regularly because my work is down the road from the school and it was easiest out of all of us for me to get to work on time when dropping off and quickest for me to get back to them at after school club after work.

I'd say (outside of Covid) this was going on for about a year and a half. It started as me just helping out a few times and gradually just became the norm.

I recently had a baby, she is 5 months old. I haven't done the morning school run since. She is a bad sleeper and I'm knackered basically, mornings is actually when she sleeps the longest chunk so I am not getting up and dragging us both on the school run. DH and ex seemed understanding at first but I can sense this is waning now and I keep being asked with by both, occasionally with a slight tone of annoyance and sort of "why can't you". It's been stressful between them trying to sort it themselves for the last 5 months I think but quite honestly I don't care.

AIBU to say to both that they need to assume from now on they will be doing this themselves and I won't be available, IF I feel I can help every now and then I will but they should assume it'll be them from now on.

I think my husband doesn't mind as much as he starts work a little later but I know it's a struggle for his ex on her days and she was quite relieved when I started doing this (and grateful at the time).

OP posts:
SVRT19674 · 21/07/2021 13:44

Their kids, they can sort themselves out.

ContessaVerde · 21/07/2021 13:59

the ex was probably rubbing her hands with glee when the OP offered to take it off her hands.

What a vile comment. The OP has said that the ex wife probably would help out in the same way if roles were reversed.

I agree with @ElephantOfRisk , op needs to sit down with the 2 of them and work out a plan for school runs next term and when op goes back to work.

People on here sometimes just don’t get it when exes help each other out and are generally supportive. There’s this total disbelief. Many people wait until they hate their husband or wife before splitting up, which leads to vast amounts of animosity. Not all divorces are like this.

Youseethethingis · 21/07/2021 14:01

But the great step parents I know are the ones who took their parents kids on as their own and treat them as their own.
My DSD and her mother would lose their minds if I decided to take full parental responsibilities upon myself and "treat her as my own" and pretend to be her new mummy, I can absolutely promise you that.
Likewise if some woman my DH happened to remarry started to stick her oar in with my son. Too many cooks and all that.
If you didn't give birth to them or adopt them legally, they aren't your children. Thats the biological, legal, moral, truthful position.

gamerchick · 21/07/2021 14:02

@memberofthewedding

There were no "school runs" when I was a kid back in the 1950s because very few people had cars. Children walked to school in groups or got the bus. Why are todays kids so idle and soft?
How many cars were on the road compared to now?
Howshouldibehave · 21/07/2021 14:03

The OP has said that the ex wife probably would help out in the same way if roles were reversed

Interestingly this is the same ex wife who barely manages to ever do any school runs now for her own children. It seems unlikely she would be putting herself out for anyone else’s children any time soon!

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 21/07/2021 14:55

But the great step parents I know are the ones who took their parents kids on as their own and treat them as their own

OP has absolutely been doing this. Now let's ask if the parents of the older children are being great parents, because surely that's higher up the priority list than deciding their step parent Isn't great enough.

billy1966 · 21/07/2021 17:37

They are NOT her children.
They have two parents who should be doing the runs.

The OP is foolish and naive and is making a right mug of herself.

Instead of focusing on her first baby and enjoying it, she has a third baby juggling situation foisted on her.

All the juggling that is a PITA for parents with school going children and a baby.

You could end up having to wake your baby from its nap to pick uo children.

You are very silly to get involved doing this.

But no doubt your softness was a big appeal to your husband looking for some au pair/skivvy to step into his parenting role.

Examples of this are daily threads on MN.

Nice, impressionable young woman gets caught for doing everything for her boyfriend's children.
He then marries her and she is run off her feet when she has a child herself.

They have a mug made out of you OP.

ibblebibbledibble · 21/07/2021 18:01

I’m really surprised about the responses to this one, surely if you marry a man with children you would expect to help out. I’m not saying be a walkover, but you can’t just wash your hands and say ‘your kids, your problem’ - that’s a fast track way for storing up problems and creating an ‘us and them’ environment.

Howshouldibehave · 21/07/2021 18:02

@ibblebibbledibble

I’m really surprised about the responses to this one, surely if you marry a man with children you would expect to help out. I’m not saying be a walkover, but you can’t just wash your hands and say ‘your kids, your problem’ - that’s a fast track way for storing up problems and creating an ‘us and them’ environment.
She is already collecting the two children every single day from school. I think that is more than ‘helping out’.
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 21/07/2021 18:28

She is 'helping out' already!

What it seems to come down to is that some posters think if you're a step parent and / or on maternity leave, you have no grounds to say 'no, can't take that on'. Whereas the actual parents of the children concerned seem to be allowed to just decline to take responsibility for their own children on occasions when it doesn't suit them, and delegate to the step parent, who isn't allowed to say no. Make it make sense!

LtDansleg · 21/07/2021 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Paq · 21/07/2021 20:15

Did you post about this when you were pregnant? It sounds familiar.

Anyway, YANBU. Look after your baby while there are two whole other adults to do the morning school run.

Macncheeseballs · 21/07/2021 20:19

Although yanbu, you are part of a blended family now, you knew he had kids when you got together

Youseethethingis · 21/07/2021 20:26

you knew he had kids when you got together
And he knew that OP did not have kids.
👏

JackGrealishIsMyNewManCrush · 21/07/2021 20:48

@LtDansleg Grin Grin Grin

EXCELLENT comeback for the nasty comment from @memberofthewedding

I am sick to DEATH of young people/children being bashed! Seems to be OK on here, but God forbid you slate anyone over 55! Confused

Ohhyeahright · 21/07/2021 21:13

What does your dh say when you point out from nov you won’t be able to do any of them?

HeckyPeck · 21/07/2021 23:48

Wait, so you are collecting their children every day even though you aren't driving to work at the moment and they have the cheek to moan that you aren't doing drop offs as well.

I would tell them if they mention it one more time I'd be stopping the collection.

Fucking cheek if them!

HeckyPeck · 21/07/2021 23:52

@ibblebibbledibble

I’m really surprised about the responses to this one, surely if you marry a man with children you would expect to help out. I’m not saying be a walkover, but you can’t just wash your hands and say ‘your kids, your problem’ - that’s a fast track way for storing up problems and creating an ‘us and them’ environment.
She's already doing more than their actual parents, who do a couple of drop offs each while she does every single collection.

Instead of thanking her they're bloody moaning that they have to do anything at all 🙄

Peak cheeky fuckery

Maggiesfarm · 22/07/2021 00:32

I doubt they will moan for long, they do know what it is like to have a new baby after all. They'll manage, they have been managing for a few months anyway. It's school holidays now so time to prepare for when the kids return to school in September.

pinkyredrose · 22/07/2021 10:32

surely if you marry a man with children you would expect to help out

Funny how it's always women who are expected to turn themselves inside out for stepkids. If a stepdad does so much as smile at his stepkids then he's a 'great stepdad, look good good he is with them'.

billy1966 · 22/07/2021 14:34

@pinkyredrose

surely if you marry a man with children you would expect to help out

Funny how it's always women who are expected to turn themselves inside out for stepkids. If a stepdad does so much as smile at his stepkids then he's a 'great stepdad, look good good he is with them'.

Absolutely.

These are NOT her children.
She has her hands full with a new baby.

custardbear · 22/07/2021 14:45

Does the ex have a partner who can help?

blakeway45 · 22/07/2021 14:54

Your DH and his ex should cough up and pay for breakfast club so they can be dropped off earlier at school.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 22/07/2021 17:17

And suddenly we have derailed into ageist comments. Nice, and completely not the point of the thread Hmm

NeonDreams · 22/07/2021 18:06

The daughter should be walking herself to school, she's in high school, most high school girls would be embarrassed at having a parent/step parent take them to school. How old is the son? Because if 8+, he should be able to walk to school by himself. I was walking to school myself at that age, either by myself or with my best friend. When I was in school, almost all kids from say 8 or 9 up walked to school themselves. They both (daughter at least) is way past the age of needing to chaperoned or driven to school. We seem to be regressing with teaching children responsibility.