To not do the school run anymore

[TangledTangles]

I used to do the school run a lot for DHs kids, DSD and DSS. They are here the majority of time, just over 50% at 4 nights per week and with their Mum for 3.

I used to do the school run on both DHs days and their Mum's days regularly because my work is down the road from the school and it was easiest out of all of us for me to get to work on time when dropping off and quickest for me to get back to them at after school club after work.

I'd say (outside of Covid) this was going on for about a year and a half. It started as me just helping out a few times and gradually just became the norm.

I recently had a baby, she is 5 months old. I haven't done the morning school run since. She is a bad sleeper and I'm knackered basically, mornings is actually when she sleeps the longest chunk so I am not getting up and dragging us both on the school run. DH and ex seemed understanding at first but I can sense this is waning now and I keep being asked with by both, occasionally with a slight tone of annoyance and sort of "why can't you". It's been stressful between them trying to sort it themselves for the last 5 months I think but quite honestly I don't care.

AIBU to say to both that they need to assume from now on they will be doing this themselves and I won't be available, IF I feel I can help every now and then I will but they should assume it'll be them from now on.

I think my husband doesn't mind as much as he starts work a little later but I know it's a struggle for his ex on her days and she was quite relieved when I started doing this (and grateful at the time).

@MsSquidz I agree she shouldn’t be doing all of it. Certainly not their mum’s days, but I do think OP should do her fair share with DH as she would if they were her own kids.

@billy1966

OP,

YANBU but you had better be very careful.
You are doing the collections which is huge.

You are not their parent.
This is not your job.

Nap times could be come difficult for you and you are stuck trying to accommodate collections that are not yours.

Sounds like you have put yourself in the position of au pair in your marriage which is very silly of you.

It is a really thankless drop that will make your juggling of your new baby even harder.

Does the father of all these children do anything to help with the night feeds or is this left to you.

Step away from these duties before they become even more of a burden.

How quickly your helping out turned to expectation should be the clue to you.

Have to say I agree with this. Once the nap focus moves from morning to maintaining an afternoon nap or wanting to get out and about to do activities with your new baby (congratulations btw!) - this is going to be a nightmare. You need to step out of this drama triangle immediately.

DH and Ex need to sort arrangements for their children independently of you. Of course you can be a back up but there is a difference between "back up" and a "default".

You sound very nice. I hope they appreciate you. Make your comms clear so they realise how accommodating you have actually been so far.

Give a person an inch and .......

@TatianaBis

If the older kids were own you'd have to get up to do the school run, new baby notwithstanding - presumably you'd share it with DH.

Once you're married to someone with kids - they are your kids.

The place to cut back is on ex-wife's days - that's definitely not necessary.

@FeckingPuddleDuck

I don't get this argument. It always comes up on step parenting threads. You could say it about anything. If X was Y you'd have to do Z. Yeah but X isn't Y so it's irrelevant.

If the Dad is sharing the school runs with anyone it should be with his child's other parent, their Mum. That means him doing it his days and her doing it on hers. That is the children's parents sharing the school runs.

Most people don't have a third person they can dish out or 'share' their responsibilities with and surprisingly most people manage to get their own children to school between two able bodied parents.

All of this. Totally agree with feckingpuddleduck. Why on EARTH is this school-run, the OP's responsibility? As you say, most other couples manage to get their OWN children to school between the two able bodied parents. I think the DH and the ex are taking the OP for a mug tbh.

Yeah I bet the ex was grateful when the OP offered to take her kids off her hands for the school-run. The school-run is stressful and horrible for many, and the ex was probably rubbing her hands with glee when the OP offered to take it off her hands.

And now the OP is struggling, all the ex (and the OP's DH wants,) is for her to go back to resuming duties as before, and ASAP, because it's inconveniencing them! No thought for the OP, or how tired and frazzled she must be, just 'when you gonna resume the school run for our children?!' Fuck that! They need to sort this out between them, this is NOT the OP's responsibility.

Why the hell should the OP be dragging herself and her new baby out of the house at 8.30am, on potentially 2 hours sleep, for someone else's children? And NO when you marry someone else, their kids DON'T automatically become YOURS tatiana! .

Oh and YANBU @TangledTangles

If the older kids were own you'd have to get up to do the school run, new baby notwithstanding - presumably you'd share it with DH

Yes then that would have been the ops decision the have more kids giving her and Dh the responsibility to sort out the logistics of the school run, not passing it on to someone else!

Once you're married to someone with kids - they are your kids

No don’t agree with this at all, they are not yours. The kids already
have two parents, op is an extra adult to offer support.
I say this as a step mother who had my sdc’s full time that did ‘all’ the parenting. The amount of times I heard she is “not” their mum, she has no rights! from extended family and outsiders, and that was with their actual mother out of the picture. It didn’t matter what I did it was never good enough!

As a stepmother Your damned if you do and damned if you don’t!

If the Dad is sharing the school runs with anyone it should be with his child's other parent, their Mum. That means him doing it his days and her doing it on hers. That is the children's parents sharing the school runs.

If x is y is relevant in this case.

OP is a parent. You can’t just turn step parenting on and off when it suits you.

Mum should be doing her own days for sure. But the great step parents I know are the ones who took their parents kids on as their own and treat them as their own. If these were OP’s own kids there’s no question she would be sharing morning drop offs with DH.

But OP has been doing ALL mornings and ALL afternoon school runs on both their days and the mum’s days!

@TatianaBis

If the Dad is sharing the school runs with anyone it should be with his child's other parent, their Mum. That means him doing it his days and her doing it on hers. That is the children's parents sharing the school runs.

If x is y is relevant in this case.

OP is a parent. You can’t just turn step parenting on and off when it suits you.

Mum should be doing her own days for sure. But the great step parents I know are the ones who took their parents kids on as their own and treat them as their own. If these were OP’s own kids there’s no question she would be sharing morning drop offs with DH.

Yeah the OP IS a parent. To her 5 month old baby.

She is NOT a parent to the step children. They have 2 parents, and the OP is not turning responsibility on and off for her OH's children! She helped when she could, and now she CAN'T.

It's the responsibility of the children's PARENTS to step up and sort it out themselves, not to put the onus on the OP to take responsibility! They are taking the piss out of her and making the school-run (for THEIR children) HER problem. It isn't, it's theirs.

Why the hell are you making this the OP's fault? Are you the OP's husband's ex?

What's that great Mumsnet reply - "Sorry, that doesn't work for me [anymore]"

THEY’RE NOT HER CHILDREN.

She has no parental responsibility for them. If she divorces her husband or he dies she has no right to ever see them again.

So they chose to have kids, but neither one of them thinks its their responsibility to take or collect their kids to and from school? But somehow, because you married someone with kids, it is your responsibility?

Not your job, you're doing them a favour by collecting in my opinion. What would they do if you weren't in the picture? That's what they need to do.

And the sense that OP should be doing at the very least her husband's share for him, even though his work is flexible. They are already 'sharing' - he gets his older kids to school, she cares for the baby. Or does 'sharing' mean 'doing all childcare' if you're on maternity leave?

You are definitely being reasonable here ! In a few months times when sleep gets better ( hopefully) then you can offer to help the odd day . You can decide then how much you can help moving forward .

You might find that if you do get your little one up early, although it will be hell at first , she might sleep better at night . Maybe not lol but I know my little one was like that and that helped 😊

[quote TatianaBis]@MsSquidz I agree she shouldn’t be doing all of it. Certainly not their mum’s days, but I do think OP should do her fair share with DH as she would if they were her own kids.[/quote]
@TatianaBis have you ignored the post when OP says she collects them from school?

So the parents want OP to do drop offs and picks up and aren't happy with the fact that she now can't commit to those plans, as she has a baby to look after.

The parents need to acknowledge that she cannot commit to drop offs and make other arrangements, rather than expecting her to do the school run

YANBU to be honest you have done way more than l would do. They both need to step up. Don’t listen to their moaning and whining. It’s interesting how their entitlement has grown, after you have been doing them a favour

YADNBU

OP how much is your DH caring for the new baby and other household chores?

Once something is taken for granted it needs to end.

Tell them to sort it out between them from now on.

If ever there was an example of 'No good deed goes unpunished', this is it .

@TangledTangles start with telling your husband that his children's school run is for him to sort out between his ex and himself, you will no longer be involved. Do NOT tell him "IF I feel I can help every now and then I will but they should assume it'll be them from now on." There should be no IF. Your priorities should lie with you and your baby. Just leave it at "they should assume it'll be them from now on."

Right now, you need to protect yourself from sleep deprivation. Later, you will need to protect daily nap time, which will probably coincide with school pick-up, so your husband and his ex need to sort themselves out for that too. And when you return to work, you've already mentioned nursery drop-off and you can't do both. SO basically - you will not be doing drop-offs or pick-ups again. EVER!

Your DSC have two living able-bodied parents to meet their needs. Unfortunately they're both selfish fuckers who are ungrateful of past favours and stroppily trying to guilt you into continuing to make up for their deficits. No more. The parents need to do some actual parenting here and stop abdicating their responsibilities. And you need to take care of yourself. ((hug))

It's a tough one. On one hand, if your DH has to be out early and these kids were your own, it wouldn't matter what kind of night the baby had as you'd still have to take the older ones to school. Plus if you are going back to work, baby will have to be up and organised and away to her childcare too.

When you go back to work, it will be between you and DH to get her to her care just as technically it's between your DH and Ex to arrange for their DC.

In practice, this doesn't take account of the myriad of relationships and organisational issues that is involved when everyone needs to be in different places at the same time.

I suggest that all 3 of you (since you get along) get together and discuss what is going to happen when DC are back at school and you are back at work as the current arrangement isn't sustainable. And stand your ground here, it's not all about you taking responsibility but you are happy to help out when available.

@WhereYouLeftIt all of this. Indeed, no good deed goes unpunished

I think the parents should deal with this. It sounds as though you have more than enough to deal with already. Good luck.

Ok so no breakfast club due to covid and your dh has the flexibility that ex doesn't in his job. Could he take them every morning until breakfast club starts again?

What are they doing for summer holidays?

As always on these types of threads the man is always absolved of all responsibilities when it comes to his children and his wife must do it because she chose to marry him eye roll

What are they doing for summer holidays?

This!

As always on these types of threads the man is always absolved of all responsibilities when it comes to his children and his wife must do it because she chose to marry him eye roll

Amazing how women work at these exact same jobs and manage to take care of their own children, do school runs, etc.

There were no "school runs" when I was a kid back in the 1950s because very few people had cars. Children walked to school in groups or got the bus. Why are todays kids so idle and soft?