To not do the school run anymore

[TangledTangles]

I used to do the school run a lot for DHs kids, DSD and DSS. They are here the majority of time, just over 50% at 4 nights per week and with their Mum for 3.

I used to do the school run on both DHs days and their Mum's days regularly because my work is down the road from the school and it was easiest out of all of us for me to get to work on time when dropping off and quickest for me to get back to them at after school club after work.

I'd say (outside of Covid) this was going on for about a year and a half. It started as me just helping out a few times and gradually just became the norm.

I recently had a baby, she is 5 months old. I haven't done the morning school run since. She is a bad sleeper and I'm knackered basically, mornings is actually when she sleeps the longest chunk so I am not getting up and dragging us both on the school run. DH and ex seemed understanding at first but I can sense this is waning now and I keep being asked with by both, occasionally with a slight tone of annoyance and sort of "why can't you". It's been stressful between them trying to sort it themselves for the last 5 months I think but quite honestly I don't care.

AIBU to say to both that they need to assume from now on they will be doing this themselves and I won't be available, IF I feel I can help every now and then I will but they should assume it'll be them from now on.

I think my husband doesn't mind as much as he starts work a little later but I know it's a struggle for his ex on her days and she was quite relieved when I started doing this (and grateful at the time).

"I'm due to go back in November but I'll have to take DD to nursery then so I won't be able to do it then either"

Whereabouts is the nursery? Perhaps it would be more convenient for your DH to do the nursery run and for you to do the school run on days the step kids are with you.

Don't make the nursery run your job by default as well!

And I don't think you have mentioned if DH is helping out at night with the baby?

So their mother has them only 3 nights a week and struggles to get them to school?
Give me strength.

Yanbu!
Younger one can go to breakfast club if there is one. Older one can take herself there.

Regardless of logistics- it does not have to be you!

YANBU. It was always a favour to both of them and I wouldn’t respond well to “why won’t you”. Because you don’t want to or it doesn’t suit it perfectly adequate a response. You weren’t obliged to do it before you had your baby.

I don't think you can pick and choose when you're 'blended' and when not.

Of course you can.

@CagneyNYPD

Quick question... Will the ex be offering to help you in 5 years time with the school run?

By all means help your dh out on his days if and when you want to. You are meant to be a team.

The ex's childcare and work situation is none of your concern. Unless she is a good friend of yours?

The baby is her DH’s baby, so he won’t be ‘helping’ the OP, he will be being a dad.

You are definitely not BU here. If anything, your DH and his ex are!

Are you going back to work soon, or SAHM with your baby?

If you're at home, maybe you could say " Because baby, I will no longer be available for any morning school runs. But I might get back to afternoon pick-ups, later. ".

That gives them a clear reasonable message that from now on they have to organise the mornings themselves . Line in the sand.

But the OPs baby won't ever be staying at the ex's house will he/she? So it's not relevant to ask if the ex would take the new baby to school. She is not in a blended family with that child. The op IS in a blended family with the older children. I 100% agree that the op shouldn't do it in the ex's days.. That's for her to sort out but it's up to the OP and her DH to figure out how to best manage the children in their blended family and I doesn't seem reasonable to me to suddenly draw up new divisions of 'those kids' and 'this kid'

If the ex used to drop them at yours, can't she still do that & your OH take them?

@diddl

If the ex used to drop them at yours, can't she still do that & your OH take them?

That’s what I was wondering. He goes to work later so what’s the issue. That would be co parenting.

@TangledTangles

How on earth did you start taking them in the ex’s days though?!

She'd drop them off here on her way out.

DSD is actually in secondary school so could technically get there herself although I don't think she'd like that and it's practically next door to the primary school where DSS is, but SS can be quite challenging (we suspect there may be more going on) so no one wants DSD to be in charge of him alone on the way to school.

As you are in effect a parent to the step children you have to act in their best interests. But there are two other adults here. So the mother should sort out her own arrangements which you now cannot help with as you are on maternity leave and will not be able to help from November. The solution is in this post. By November child 1 will be at a minimum in year 2 of secondary. So must be aged 14 then. Most certainly old enough to get to school themselves and to bring sibling along too.

You need to make it clear right now you are no longer available so the tension stops.

Does the 14 year old not mind the sibling alone sometimes?

You have a baby now and having to get a baby ready to go out early takes ages! Much nicer if you don't have to rush in the morning and better for you both to be able to do things in your own time.

I'm sure they will manage without you taxi-ing. Maybe there are other children at the school who live nearby, whose parents can share the school run. It's also possible to get a regular taxi with a whatever (CRB, DBS?)-checked driver. I've known people who did that. Of course that depends on what the parents can afford.

I would say something now though, OP. In fact, I’d have said something before having the baby.

What did they do before you came along?

You do something nice often enough, and people start to think it's a service owed. I agree with PP saying that on your DH's days, you can agree between you who does what as you are a team (is he getting up with the baby sometimes too?) but on the kids' mum's days, it's her problem to sort out and she can't expect you to do it.

They're annoyed at having to get their own children to school?!

Why are they with you more often then their mum?

What a pair of cheeky fucks !!!

Do Not Do their parenting for them, you have done enough already.

I'm honestly shocked at their cheek.

I got roped into doing a school run for another mum. I look back and realise how much she took advantage of me. I won't go into detail, but it honestly impacted negatively on me and my DC.
Put your needs and the needs of your DC first. Some people are just takers.

I can see it from both sides. If it was your own kids, you'd still have to drag yourself out of the door on the school run, wouldn't you? Regardless of a bad night with the baby. But on the other hand, there are another two adults involved here.

I think now your lo is 5 months, doing the odd school run isn't a big ask, it's holidays now anyway - many mums are doing daily school runs. Everyone getting along and helping each other out is the best scenario by far, perhaps she can return the favour by babysitting occasionally once your lo is old enough to be left. Even if you have had a bad night, it doesn't hurt to put lo in the car/pram and take the big ones to school then you can have a lie down later

No not at work at the moment. I'm due to go back in November but I'll have to take DD to nursery then so I won't be able to do it then either which I'm not sure they have thought about yet!

You're not even going to work and they expect that you will get up and bring their kids to school. Just say a very firm No. Tell Dh (no need to discuss it with his ex as he can pass on the message) that you were able to help previously but you won't be in a position to help again - firstly as you are not even getting up for work again til November, and secondly because you will have baby to think about in November so you and he will have that extra drop off to consider. Ex's work start time not coinciding with school time is not your problem to solve. Do not even offer emergency help as that will turn into her days again. You're giving them lots of notice now to sort something for when the kids go back to school after summer.

@Cailin66
The majority of secondary schools start in yr7 so that would make op’s dsd a minimum of 11 rather than 14 right now, probably 12 as the cut off for schools is 31st August.

YANBU you helped out when you could. I think you have to put the needs of your baby first. Don't leg them make you feel guilty you're mat leave is the only time you will get just you and your baby. Maybe consider when you go back to work but I presume youll have to do a nursery run then so may not work out. They need to sort it.

doing the odd school run isn't a big ask

I'm still doing pick ups. It's only mornings.

Whilst I understand the whole "you can't pick and choose when you're blended", surely it is reasonable that people's circumstances change throughout life and previous agreements will change sometimes.

And yes I know other mums have to get up with a baby to do the school run but I'm assuming they don't have two other adults who are responsible for the children they are taking to school.

My husband starts later than his ex but is still late to work slightly when dropping them off (no breakfast club at the moment still due to Covid as far as I'm aware).

And yes when I'm back in work nursery and school runs won't work out together so we'll have to do something then anyway.