Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not do the school run anymore

191 replies

TangledTangles · 21/07/2021 09:14

I used to do the school run a lot for DHs kids, DSD and DSS. They are here the majority of time, just over 50% at 4 nights per week and with their Mum for 3.

I used to do the school run on both DHs days and their Mum's days regularly because my work is down the road from the school and it was easiest out of all of us for me to get to work on time when dropping off and quickest for me to get back to them at after school club after work.

I'd say (outside of Covid) this was going on for about a year and a half. It started as me just helping out a few times and gradually just became the norm.

I recently had a baby, she is 5 months old. I haven't done the morning school run since. She is a bad sleeper and I'm knackered basically, mornings is actually when she sleeps the longest chunk so I am not getting up and dragging us both on the school run. DH and ex seemed understanding at first but I can sense this is waning now and I keep being asked with by both, occasionally with a slight tone of annoyance and sort of "why can't you". It's been stressful between them trying to sort it themselves for the last 5 months I think but quite honestly I don't care.

AIBU to say to both that they need to assume from now on they will be doing this themselves and I won't be available, IF I feel I can help every now and then I will but they should assume it'll be them from now on.

I think my husband doesn't mind as much as he starts work a little later but I know it's a struggle for his ex on her days and she was quite relieved when I started doing this (and grateful at the time).

OP posts:
MrsFlinch · 21/07/2021 10:52

No you are absolutely not being unreasonable here. You were doing the school run whilst you were at work. Now, you are on maternity with a young baby that doesn’t sleep!

I hate the way some people assume that because you are at home you are solely available to them at their every beck and call….I get this all the time!

What started as a favour has now become an expectation. But that no longer works for you.
It’s up to your Dh and ex to sort, this isn’t your responsibility!

frazzledasarock · 21/07/2021 10:58

I’d tell them now you won’t be doing school runs so they need to sort it out between themselves.

Remind them you won’t be doing the school runs at all as when you return to work you’ll be dealing with your own DC’s nursery runs.

They’re not your DC, not your responsibility, both your H & his ex-wife have been extremely lucky to have had you doing the pick ups and drop offs of their DC for over a year and a half for free.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/07/2021 11:08

Is it an issue for him to be slightly late to work every day? Can he modify his hours by 15 mins? Or can his ex start later on her days? The only solutions are a childminder for their youngest with their dd walking to school or one of them be late. I mean none of this is your responsibility but it sounds as though it needs spelling out to them.

Who’s looking after the dc this summer holiday btw op? I am imagining a lot of the care will fall to you. You’re already doing pick ups.

LtDansleg · 21/07/2021 11:20

@HugeAckmansWife

I don't know. Is this not what being a blended family is? The older kids are with you a lot and they are now half siblings to your child. On the ex's days, no fine, fair enough but on the days they are with you I think it's a normal thing for the adults in the house to share the parenting that needs doing, especially as they are with you so much. I don't think you can pick and choose when you're 'blended' and when not. My ex and his current wife do this. When it suits them, they are a 'blended family' and its all 'we think' and 'our 3 children' and I have to consider her and her dds arrangements in mine and ex's. Then when it would be inconvenient, like their stepmum is home and available but ex isn't, all of a sudden its like she doesn't exist and has no role or responsibility at all. I don't think it should all be dumped on you at all, but I don't think it's fair for you to just step back and say 'nothing to do with me' at this point.
Oh fuck off. The op currently has the children more than their own mother. She’s got them 4 nights a week and was until recently doing every single pick up and drop off. Now she’s still got them 4 nights a week and still doing every single pick up. The actually parents shouldn’t be ‘picking and choosing’ when they actually feel like taking care of their own kids instead of dumping the whole lot on the op who now has a newborn baby!
Moonwatcher1234 · 21/07/2021 11:24

OP, you sound nice and it was very kind of you to take it on routinely before you had a baby. However, I know exactly what you mean about sleepless nights and trying to maintain the baby’s morning nap so at least you can both get some sleep. If you’re not ready to resume helping then I would hope they understand.

starfishmummy · 21/07/2021 11:25

Yanbu for not wanting to keep this up for days when the AC are with their mother.

But when the SC are with your DH and you then you need to sort out an arrangement with him that works for you both. Maybe him taking and you collecting?

Original poster
TangledTangles · 21/07/2021 11:29

Maybe him taking and you collecting?

This is what we already do.

OP posts:
Wheresthebeach · 21/07/2021 11:29

Time for a clear talk with your DH. He and his ex need to sort this between them as the parents. You now have more than enough on your plate. You’ve got the kids the majority of the time - their mother needs to step up and deal with her kids when they are with her. Ditto for your DH.

HugeAckmansWife · 21/07/2021 11:43

lt blimey calm down. I was mildly suggesting that if they are a full on blended family then mixing in a new child is part of the deal. No need to be so nasty.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 21/07/2021 11:43

The people who sound like they're 'picking and choosing' here are the actual parents of the older children. They have had help for a period and should appreciate that but circumstances have changed. Right now OP's primary job is taking care of the baby, and the older ones' parents will have to take care of getting them to school. It's really not unreasonable! If OP and her partner split, the parents would have to sort it then.

LannieDuck · 21/07/2021 11:43

Don't feel guilty. It's good of you to still be doing all the pick-ups; that's fulfilling the blended family part of being a step-Mum.

Being a step-parent doesn't mean you get dumped on for everything. You should still help out with the step-kids where you can... and you are. But you can no longer to do the school drop off. That's totally reasonable.

They're just annoyed because you were facilitating their working lives, and you're no longer able to do so.

TatianaBis · 21/07/2021 11:47

If the older kids were own you'd have to get up to do the school run, new baby notwithstanding - presumably you'd share it with DH.

Once you're married to someone with kids - they are your kids.

The place to cut back is on ex-wife's days - that's definitely not necessary.

TatianaBis · 21/07/2021 11:49

I'd say you do 2/4 days when the kids are with you, DH does the other 2 and their mum sorts out her days.

igelkott2021 · 21/07/2021 11:54

If the older kids were own you'd have to get up to do the school run, new baby notwithstanding - presumably you'd share it with DH

Yes but the OP might not have chosen an age gap where it was an issue.

OP is this the last week of term? if so I'd just let it go for now and then make sure they know it's their responsibility from September.

And to the pp, the 14 year old should not be minding siblings.

igelkott2021 · 21/07/2021 11:55

(also baby might be sleeping much better by September)

Original poster
TangledTangles · 21/07/2021 11:55

For those asking what they did before, ex used to have a family member help out a lot on her days however they have been very poorly for a couple of years now and unable to help. She has never really done much of the school runs.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/07/2021 11:59

Once you're married to someone with kids - they are your kids.

Are they really? How does that work exactly? How many separated parents do you know who are willing to consider their ex’s spouse an equal parent?

MsSquiz · 21/07/2021 11:59

If I were in your position I would say "unfortunately I can't guarantee when I will be able to do the morning school run, as it's dependant on baby DD's sleep. I am happy to continue to do school pick ups though." And leave it at that.

Don't engage in any guilting from either of them. Their children, their responsibility

FeckingPuddleDuck · 21/07/2021 12:00

@TatianaBis

If the older kids were own you'd have to get up to do the school run, new baby notwithstanding - presumably you'd share it with DH.

Once you're married to someone with kids - they are your kids.

The place to cut back is on ex-wife's days - that's definitely not necessary.

I don't get this argument. It always comes up on step parenting threads.

You could say it about anything. If X was Y you'd have to do Z. Yeah but X isn't Y so it's irrelevant.

If the Dad is sharing the school runs with anyone it should be with his child's other parent, their Mum. That means him doing it his days and her doing it on hers. That is the children's parents sharing the school runs.

Most people don't have a third person they can dish out or 'share' their responsibilities with and surprisingly most people manage to get their own children to school between two able bodied parents.

FeckingPuddleDuck · 21/07/2021 12:00

@AnneLovesGilbert

Once you're married to someone with kids - they are your kids.

Are they really? How does that work exactly? How many separated parents do you know who are willing to consider their ex’s spouse an equal parent?

When it suits them I imagine.
HugeAckmansWife · 21/07/2021 12:01

It's also interesting that there's such vitriol that the mother doesn't have the majority share of the care. It's perfectly normal for dads to have a minority share of the care and get told they are great parents but the mum who has a 3/4 split is apparently a shirker and 'dumping' her kids. I completely agree that the ex should do the running about on her days or arrange appropriate childcare but on whatever days the op and her DH have them, they need to work it out between them like all families do, regardless of whose biological children they are. If the new arrangement means the dad has to step up more then thats fine but a new baby isnt dynamite, plenty of mums manage a school run with a baby in tow.

LunaAndHer3Stars · 21/07/2021 12:05

@TangledTangles

And yes when I'm back in work nursery and school runs won't work out together so we'll have to do something then anyway.
I definitely think you're not being unreasonable at all. DSC parents are both being unreasonable to expect what is essential a favour, to go on endlessly because it suits them.

This thought popped into my head reading above post. Given your work is near DSC school, if child care is in a different direction, it might work well for DH to do the child care pick up and drop off and you to do school runs. Only if it works for you though.

MsSquiz · 21/07/2021 12:07

@TatianaBis

If the older kids were own you'd have to get up to do the school run, new baby notwithstanding - presumably you'd share it with DH.

Once you're married to someone with kids - they are your kids.

The place to cut back is on ex-wife's days - that's definitely not necessary.

@TatianaBis and I'm sure she would ensure their dad does his fair share. But the issue here is that their dad wants his wife to do all the school runs!

Is that fair, even if they were her children?

Howshouldibehave · 21/07/2021 12:08

So, the ideal plan for the mother and father of these children is that someone other than them takes AND collects their own children every single school day and they are pissed off when that person no longer can or doesn’t want to!?

I’d have told the pair of them to fuck off long ago!

billy1966 · 21/07/2021 12:12

OP,

YANBU but you had better be very careful.
You are doing the collections which is huge.

You are not their parent.
This is not your job.

Nap times could be come difficult for you and you are stuck trying to accommodate collections that are not yours.

Sounds like you have put yourself in the position of au pair in your marriage which is very silly of you.

It is a really thankless drop that will make your juggling of your new baby even harder.

Does the father of all these children do anything to help with the night feeds or is this left to you.

Step away from these duties before they become even more of a burden.

How quickly your helping out turned to expectation should be the clue to you.