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Original poster

Mortified by what I've overheard from DH's workmates - AIBU

291 replies

poppingcandy1 · 21/07/2021 00:11

NC because I am utterly mortified by this

This evening DH had a work social and had some work friends round to the garden for drinks before they went out. It's well known that a young girl who used to work with them had a big crush on DH, nothing has happened between them however and he always said he found it cringey. This evening I arrived home with DDs before DH and mates went out, and I overheard DH's mate say "are you still wnking over ?" about the ex colleague who fancied him. His response was not impressive, he sort of raised his eyebrows and laughed - very laddy and disgusting really.

I feel really upset over this but don't know if I am being unreasonable. She was a pretty young woman and they probably all thought that, so maybe I shouldn't expect better especially as they had no idea I was there. But I just feel really uncomfortable about the whole thing and now am worried DH actually really enjoyed this crush she had on him and his feelings were more untoward than I thought.

Help kick some sense into me!

OP posts:
ILoveYouILoveYouIDo · 21/07/2021 00:15

Its completely gross but I work with majority of men and they mostly talk this shit without any meaning to it. They clearly think its funny. Its sick though. Talk to DH about it tomorrow.

Jasmeen · 21/07/2021 00:20

I don't like the sound of your husband or his mates

Wearywithteens · 21/07/2021 00:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 21/07/2021 00:25

This is how a lot of men talk when no women are around.
It's horrible but good luck trying to stop it.

Summerdayshaze · 21/07/2021 00:28

Grim. Him and his mates.

FlowerArranger · 21/07/2021 00:30

He has DDs - how would he feel about blokes guffawing over them like that when they’re young women?

^^

greatestdancer · 21/07/2021 00:31

YANBU, I wouldn’t be happy with my DH talking about women like this or associating with men who do

Mammyloveswine · 21/07/2021 00:31

I'd be furious with DH and assume more had gone on than he let on. Sorry op.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/07/2021 00:31

That’s really grim. I wouldn’t be able to look at him tye same again.

What do you want to do?

FortunesFave · 21/07/2021 01:00

My Dh wouldn't talk like that...he's often said "Don't be disgusting" and similar when other men have been rude about women.

It's not ok.

I'd be absolutely disgusted. You're upset for a reason.

1forAll74 · 21/07/2021 01:10

They have all had some booze, it loosens their tongues,, they are all immature, and have no sophistication when within male company, and they will most likely get worse later in the day,

therocinante · 21/07/2021 01:15

Christ I'm the first to excuse the kind of vulgar shit that would have me hauled in front of the Supreme Court of Mumsnet Pearl Clutchers (and I've no issue with DH having a crush) but that's vile. Either he's genuinely got something going on with her (unlikely) or he's been gobbing off about how he fancies her (which is beyond crush territory) and him and his gross friends are talking about her like a piece of meat.

PixieAndProsecco · 21/07/2021 01:16

I don't blame you for being disgusted, he may never have done what his work friends said but he isn't discouraging them either. To me that suggests that, at some point, he went along with them.

It's a horrific way to speak about anyone and shows very misogynistic views of women.

VerticalHorizon · 21/07/2021 01:28

It's horrible. I'm male, and this is very common 'laddish' crap (from grown men).
I think quite a few (25%) really don't like it, but there is a lot of peer pressure to laugh with it. It's all very pathetic really.

They certainly wouldn't have been implying anything really happened, OR that he masturbated thinking about her. It's their teasing of him, which they THINK is funny, and he's probably succumbed to peer pressure.

Usually you can stop it dead by just saying 'No, why would I?' and face a small barrage of 'boring bastard', but that's it.

I can absolutely assure you that there are men who don't like it and think it's pathetic. There were probably a couple of others in that group who thought it crass, but the strength of male peer pressure is great. It's no excuse really, but I think it's the truth.

Some men will just make this crap up about anybody - from a young attractive woman, right through to one they believe to be old and unattractive - they will find a way to either say 'I would xxxx that' or 'can you imagine having to xxxx that'.

mathanxiety · 21/07/2021 01:31

This is how a lot of men talk when no women are around.

Men are spineless cowards, and it's no wonder we live in a world where rape culture is alive and kicking.

It's exactly the wrong way to go about challenging it, because it reinforces the idea that men own their 'womenfolk', and an insult to the women and girls in their families is an insult to them, but he needs to consider how he would feel if his disgusting mates were discussing his own daughters, and whether he would consider speaking out about this sort of vile 'banter'.

mathanxiety · 21/07/2021 01:32

*And if not why not, and what sort of man does that make him...

VerticalHorizon · 21/07/2021 01:39

Some work cultures are more prone to it that others, but it's commonplace in younger men, or the types of men that like to act younger, but can be in their 50s.
It really is very reminiscent of teenage boys - which makes it all the more cringeworthy because it only makes (me) imagine what are these men actually like in a bedroom? it's not imaginative, it's no remotely sexy, it's just crass and degrading for everybody, including themselves.

I have on occasion heard women talk similarly, but it's rare and it's not the degrading depths of men, Doesn't make it much better, but it's not quite so utterly dire.

I don't think all these men are horrible people, I don't think they are utterly insensitive in their general lives (I know they aren't), but this 'thing' somehow gets into them. I find it really saddening that from being a totally innocent young boy, you can end up having this 'thing' inside within a matter of a couple of decades.

VerticalHorizon · 21/07/2021 01:42

Sorry for the typos!

rainbowfairylights · 21/07/2021 01:43

Is this really how men speak?! As a lesbian who doesn't generally spend much time with men, I have little experience - but this is disgusting. Sad to hear from posters that this is textbook. No wonder sexism is rife if it's normal for the average man to 'joke' about women like this.

VerticalHorizon · 21/07/2021 01:51

it's not how they speak all the time, no, but it's something that can happen with groups of men.

I would say, in my experience, it's 1 or 2 ring leaders and another half dozen sheep.
The ring leaders tend to be major porn watchers who show it on their phones and think everybody else wants to see). The others to varying degrees join in.
Once in a while, you'll get someone who says 'fuck off, I don't need to see your crap' - not in an aggressive way, but making it clear they're not going to play the game.

I think porn might be a big factor, but I don't think it's the only one. There's a lot of male bravado built into boys from birth, and there's a lot of insecurity in men too. A lot more than people recognise, or realise. The need to be alpha male, and sexually successful (not sure how to describe it). NOT because they want to demean women, but because they are seeking some sort of approval from peers or perceived approval.

Of course it DOES demean women, and themselves, but I don't think that is their actual intention when they do it.

Some men though - some just have massive issues with women, and that's another topic entirely.

occa · 21/07/2021 01:52

Grim but very common 'lads' type chat.

The majority really do get pretty vulgar among themselves. I have always worked in hugely male dominated environments and t'was ever thus.

VerticalHorizon · 21/07/2021 02:00

Imagine a night out for young women, who after a few drinks one or two of them spot a handsome man and make a joke 'I wouldn't kick him out of bed' etc (sometimes a bit more graphic), and 5 or 6 other women laugh and joke along...

Then imagine the same in men, without the alcohol, and 10 times more graphic and far more frequently.

In terms of human behaviour, there's some similarities, but it's far more rabid in men. Enough to make quite a few men cringe.

ILoveYouILoveYouIDo · 21/07/2021 02:24

@VerticalHorizon

Imagine a night out for young women, who after a few drinks one or two of them spot a handsome man and make a joke 'I wouldn't kick him out of bed' etc (sometimes a bit more graphic), and 5 or 6 other women laugh and joke along...

Then imagine the same in men, without the alcohol, and 10 times more graphic and far more frequently.

In terms of human behaviour, there's some similarities, but it's far more rabid in men. Enough to make quite a few men cringe.

This is so true. 👍
NiceGerbil · 21/07/2021 02:32

Standard blokey bloke talk.

I have the dubious honour of groups of men quite often seeing me as in their group. They seem to forget I'm female.

Loads and loads and loads of men talk like this and worse. Standard 'banter'.

Yaya26 · 21/07/2021 02:32

@mathanxiety

This is how a lot of men talk when no women are around.

Men are spineless cowards, and it's no wonder we live in a world where rape culture is alive and kicking.

It's exactly the wrong way to go about challenging it, because it reinforces the idea that men own their 'womenfolk', and an insult to the women and girls in their families is an insult to them, but he needs to consider how he would feel if his disgusting mates were discussing his own daughters, and whether he would consider speaking out about this sort of vile 'banter'.

It's not nice but I imagine this is close to the truth.xx
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