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Original poster

Mortified by what I've overheard from DH's workmates - AIBU

291 replies

poppingcandy1 · 21/07/2021 00:11

NC because I am utterly mortified by this

This evening DH had a work social and had some work friends round to the garden for drinks before they went out. It's well known that a young girl who used to work with them had a big crush on DH, nothing has happened between them however and he always said he found it cringey. This evening I arrived home with DDs before DH and mates went out, and I overheard DH's mate say "are you still wnking over ?" about the ex colleague who fancied him. His response was not impressive, he sort of raised his eyebrows and laughed - very laddy and disgusting really.

I feel really upset over this but don't know if I am being unreasonable. She was a pretty young woman and they probably all thought that, so maybe I shouldn't expect better especially as they had no idea I was there. But I just feel really uncomfortable about the whole thing and now am worried DH actually really enjoyed this crush she had on him and his feelings were more untoward than I thought.

Help kick some sense into me!

OP posts:
Lefthousewithpooinhair · 21/07/2021 07:40

To be fair, he probably is ‘wanking over’ someone. Anyone who watches any porn will be pleasuring themselves to the fantasy of someone. If your husband watches porn, it probably isn’t any different as long as he is faithful to you.

Porcupineintherough · 21/07/2021 07:43

I think your dh's reaction was about right if he wanted to shut down the conversation without reacting in a way that would increase any teasing further down the line.

Fairyliz · 21/07/2021 07:43

The most depressing thing about this, is that my initial reaction was to be surprised that you didn’t know the majority of men are like this in a group.
It’s like a pack mentality trying to impress their mates. They can put any feelings about women in their life into a box and just see this as a bit of ‘banter’.

Bluntness100 · 21/07/2021 07:44

@Lefthousewithpooinhair

To be fair, he probably is ‘wanking over’ someone. Anyone who watches any porn will be pleasuring themselves to the fantasy of someone. If your husband watches porn, it probably isn’t any different as long as he is faithful to you.
Oh cmon, getting off to porn is not the same as having the hots for a colleague.
MaMaD1990 · 21/07/2021 07:45

@Lefthousewithpooinhair

To be fair, he probably is ‘wanking over’ someone. Anyone who watches any porn will be pleasuring themselves to the fantasy of someone. If your husband watches porn, it probably isn’t any different as long as he is faithful to you.
Hmm that's not really the same thing though is it?!
Needapoodle · 21/07/2021 07:46

I would have a major, major problem with my husband's reaction to that. Suggests that he's talked about how attractive he finds her enough that his mates choose her to pick on.

Jerima · 21/07/2021 07:46

I just want to say that of course your dh enjoyed this woman having a crush on him. He's not going to say that to you though is he. That don't mean he acted on it but young attractive girl has crush on him and he finds it cringe...yeah right!

Lampzade · 21/07/2021 07:50

I think that the colleague was out of order mentioning this in your home. Totally disrespectful.
I would tell your dp that you were very uncomfortable with the comment .

Lampzade · 21/07/2021 07:52

Also, I do think that your dp may have made it obvious that he found this woman attractive too.

LizardCreature · 21/07/2021 07:55

I'm a bit disgusted to read these comments. Do British men really talk like this? In that case it isnt a man thing it's a cultural thing. Gross.

saraclara · 21/07/2021 07:55

Your DH handled that as good as you could expect. Didn't engage and just shut it down without making it a thing.

Yes. Seems to me he's being blamed throughout this thread, for what his colleague said.
His colleague's an idiot. He was teasing your DH in a stupid blokey way. Your DH avoided making a scene by rolling his eyes and laughing awkwardly, but otherwise not engaging. That was pretty much his only option in this situation, when this guy was a guest in his home.

brokenbiscuitsx · 21/07/2021 07:57

@LizardCreature

I'm a bit disgusted to read these comments. Do British men really talk like this? In that case it isnt a man thing it's a cultural thing. Gross.
Not just British men
saraclara · 21/07/2021 08:00

@Whinginadeville

You know your husband. I often smile, nod agreement or even laugh in social situations where I'd rather give a pedantic correction or even put down. I'd honestly have no friends or social life if I pulled my friends on their behaviour all the time.
Yeah, also that. How many times have we all laughed something off that we really wanted to pull someone up on, but it simply wasn't the time or place?

I think your DH is having a rough ride here. As for the posters who are totally making up stuff about him based on nothing, what's the matter with you?

TheNewBlack · 21/07/2021 08:05

As other posters have said this is standard male ‘banter’ and they are teasing him. It really doesn’t mean that your DH had the crush. Nor does it mean anything happened. They are ribbing him and making a joke of it.

Your DH shut it down as best he could without making a big issue of it. If he had been more vocal in his response the teasing might have continued.

I don’t like this kind of teasing and banter but it is what groups of people (men and women) do after a few drinks. I too work in a team of men and overhear this kind of crap all the time. They try to do it when I’m out of the room because they know it is disrespectful. Your DH’s friend said this because he was in a group of mates where this kind of banter felt safe. That said I have heard women tease each other over similar crushes using similarly crude terms.

Explain to your DH that you overheard and it made you feel uncomfortable. I could pretty much guarantee, by his response, it made him feel uncomfortable too.

Ducksarenotmyfriends · 21/07/2021 08:05

@saraclara

Your DH handled that as good as you could expect. Didn't engage and just shut it down without making it a thing.

Yes. Seems to me he's being blamed throughout this thread, for what his colleague said.
His colleague's an idiot. He was teasing your DH in a stupid blokey way. Your DH avoided making a scene by rolling his eyes and laughing awkwardly, but otherwise not engaging. That was pretty much his only option in this situation, when this guy was a guest in his home.

Hmm, I can to an extent understand if he reacted in that way to try and simply shut the conversation down but still remain friendly with people he still has to spend large chunks of time with. I'd still be majorly disappointed if I were op at his reaction though, her feelings are totally valid.

My dp works in a very male dominated industry, with very much a 'lad' culture, where casual sexism and racism is pretty rampant. It really, really gets to him, he calls it out everytime either bluntly or by taking the piss, but it's pretty wearing. It's shit.

Auntienumber8 · 21/07/2021 08:07

NiceGerbil same here, DS said they see you as one of the lads Mum. I change hobby group quite frequently.

lynsey91 · 21/07/2021 08:10

@rainbowfairylights

Is this really how men speak?! As a lesbian who doesn't generally spend much time with men, I have little experience - but this is disgusting. Sad to hear from posters that this is textbook. No wonder sexism is rife if it's normal for the average man to 'joke' about women like this.
No I don't think most men speak like that at all. DH certainly doesn't and neither do any of the men in my family or circle of friends.
MrsIsobelCrawley · 21/07/2021 08:14

"Help kick some sense into me!"

Your DH and his friends have shown you who they are. Believe them.

They know exactly what they’re saying. It is pointless to pretend otherwise.

CatherineAragon · 21/07/2021 08:15

This is disgusting. I have heard the Dean of a Cathedral and a Vicar talking about women in a disgusting way. In one case ogling teenage girls openly. You would have thought men in their position would know better, but apparently not.

Original poster
poppingcandy1 · 21/07/2021 08:17

Appreciate everyone's responses

Two things

  1. I just don't know how to mention it to him and am worried it won't actually give me any closure on it? I imagine he will say something like "oh you know what * is like, he was just being stupid" and then I imagine he will tell me he has definitely never wanked over this girl and tell me what he told me before that the crush was cringey and made him uncomfortable. But I just feel I am doubting that is true now and now I have seen the other side of him and his mates when I'm not there, I'm really doubting him!

  2. His reaction is hard to describe as only I (and his mates ofc) actually saw it. It certainly wasn't a shrinking wallflower reaction but he also didn't engage in "yeh banging one out every night" kind of chat either.

Argh I'm probably coming across pretty over the top about this but I just feel really sad and annoyed that I've now seen this side and can't unsee it!

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 21/07/2021 08:18

My SO is in a group with old work mates.

The group was very misogynistic and I told him how unhappy I was about it. He doesn't engage with that talk, but will if its normal day to day stuff.

Anyway they were having a conversation about something on the news, can't remember what, when one of the guys said "When are we going to get back to talking about tits and whether they take it up the arse or not"

SO, stopped talking and didn't engage, but I did tell him he should have challenged the comments.

The "friend" is seeing a women with daughters, next time I see him I'm going to ask when it's appropriate to talk about those girls the same way...

Dick

pinkteapots · 21/07/2021 08:22

'Men are spineless cowards, and it's no wonder we live in a world where rape culture is alive and kicking' @mathanxiety

Whats the female version of mysogeny... here's a clue its not a word mumsnetters use as often as they should. Misandry.

What a crass, sweeping, condescending, bitter thing to say.

OP what a male pp said... its silly, its cringey, its a pity he and others like him arent strong enough (with or without beer) to nip that in the bud and take the flack of being 'boring', but men do not have a monopoly on hesitancy, moments of cowardice, etc. He had a few seconds to react and took the easy route. Its hardly time for the guillotine. The guy who said it however, is the one really deserving of your disgust... he chose to actively be revolting and offensive.

Also worth pointing out to all those who are disguested thst your OH has friends like these... they arent his friends, theyre his coworkers, as such they'll be a mixed bunch and workplaces often have some idiot who thinks this sort of talk is cool - doesnt mean they all are the same.

Its awkward, it wasnt brave, but unless you've never picked the wrong split second reaction to something innapropriate i suggest you take it for what it is, a passing slip up.

Demortuisnilnisibonum · 21/07/2021 08:30

Horrible, grim, misogynistic. I’m afraid I hate men more and more, because even the ‘nice’ ones revert to type in a group. I would mention that you overheard and felt uncomfortable. Ask him if these are really the type of person he wants to spend his free time with. And quite honestly, fuck ‘banter!’ That stupid word is usually just an excuse for stupidity, bullying and misogyny!

Porcupineintherough · 21/07/2021 08:31

Half the women on here are too anxious to even talk to their neighbours @pinkteapots so I doubt they're valiantly calling out sexism in the workplace to their friends and colleagues, any more than they call out racism, or ageism, or ableism.

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/07/2021 08:32

Some men will just make this crap up about anybody - from a young attractive woman, right through to one they believe to be old and unattractive - they will find a way to either say 'I would xxxx that' or 'can you imagine having to xxxx that'

I would genuinely rather masturbate for life that be with one of these cringeworthy boneheads.

Two words...

Toxic masculinity.