Mortified by what I've overheard from DH's workmates - AIBU

[poppingcandy1]

NC because I am utterly mortified by this

This evening DH had a work social and had some work friends round to the garden for drinks before they went out. It's well known that a young girl who used to work with them had a big crush on DH, nothing has happened between them however and he always said he found it cringey. This evening I arrived home with DDs before DH and mates went out, and I overheard DH's mate say "are you still wnking over ?" about the ex colleague who fancied him. His response was not impressive, he sort of raised his eyebrows and laughed - very laddy and disgusting really.

I feel really upset over this but don't know if I am being unreasonable. She was a pretty young woman and they probably all thought that, so maybe I shouldn't expect better especially as they had no idea I was there. But I just feel really uncomfortable about the whole thing and now am worried DH actually really enjoyed this crush she had on him and his feelings were more untoward than I thought.

Help kick some sense into me!

Sounds like your pissed of girl had crush on DH . He didn't follow it up and not his fault someone else brought it up.

I'm male and when I was 18 had temp job in laundry where the work force was majority female . They were as crude ,inappropriate ,talked filthy and sexual remarks as much as any male dominated place I have worked in .

I can see why you are upset. I am not sure if you should be upset at dh though.

I know a few blokes who love to make comments in earshot of wives and girlfriends, that will cause issues. Usually, completely made up. Its probably, known in the office that she fancied him. Part of his embarrassment will have been around his colleagues taking the piss.

I can very well imagine there's never been a converstation about dh wanking over her. Or if there has, its been this dickhead collegue saying it to wind him up.

And now dickhead collegue said it infront of you to wind him up even more.

As I said, I have known a few blockes who love to stir shit in relationships and when they are confronted it's 'ah take it easy its a joke, I didn't mean to cause trouble. Not my fault you can't take joke'.

Your dhs reaction could be because he was embarrassed or didn't know how to react, thinking 'ffs that's going to cause me problems, but I don't want to have a go at him and ruin the night out'

They thrive on upsetting people then blaming them and for some reason their mates often don't stand up to them. Its usually the wives or girlfriends.

Of course, your dh could also be a dickhead. And yes, he has told them all he has been wanking over ex collegue. Does that sound like him?

I wouldn’t be impressed either

Don’t have that particular colleague over again and tell your dh you overheard

Does he have one of those gross WhatsApp groups where he shares porn with other guys? Is this part of a bigger pattern or a one off ?

I very much doubt at any point he has said to them that he likes to have a tug over her, they're ribbing him. Doesn't mean it's not grim, but I would try not to read into it in as much that I wouldn't assume he fancied her.

@Whiskycav

I can see why you are upset. I am not sure if you should be upset at dh though.

I know a few blokes who love to make comments in earshot of wives and girlfriends, that will cause issues. Usually, completely made up. Its probably, known in the office that she fancied him. Part of his embarrassment will have been around his colleagues taking the piss.

I can very well imagine there's never been a converstation about dh wanking over her. Or if there has, its been this dickhead collegue saying it to wind him up.

And now dickhead collegue said it infront of you to wind him up even more.

As I said, I have known a few blockes who love to stir shit in relationships and when they are confronted it's 'ah take it easy its a joke, I didn't mean to cause trouble. Not my fault you can't take joke'.

Your dhs reaction could be because he was embarrassed or didn't know how to react, thinking 'ffs that's going to cause me problems, but I don't want to have a go at him and ruin the night out'

They thrive on upsetting people then blaming them and for some reason their mates often don't stand up to them. Its usually the wives or girlfriends.

Of course, your dh could also be a dickhead. And yes, he has told them all he has been wanking over ex collegue. Does that sound like him?

OP has said they they didn't know she was there when it was said.

OP has said they they didn't know she was there when it was said.

Op was ckose enough to hear conversation and see her dhs reaction. So it's possible dickhead collegue did know she was there.

And if the genuinely didn't, then my last paragraph stands.

revolting misogynistic way to speak about women - at any time, let alone in front of you and your children, regardless of whether there was any truth in it.
Make it very clear that not acceptable, and his work colleagues are not welcome in your home.

You know your husband. I often smile, nod agreement or even laugh in social situations where I'd rather give a pedantic correction or even put down. I'd honestly have no friends or social life if I pulled my friends on their behaviour all the time.

What was your DH's response, because I read it has his response being inappropriate and crass and others are reading it as he shut it down?

Grim.

[quote Newcastleteacake]@Shelddd

I disagree. What you are saying is that because she was interested in him it makes it ok and she deserved it?

That's called victim blaming.[/quote]
How do we even know this girl had a crush? Perhaps it was the other way around?

I mean, yes it's pretty disgusting but I wouldn't be tearing him a new one based on his reaction. He didnt say "oh yeah, definitely, don't tell the wife!" but sounds more like he's trying to 'act the lad' but doesn't feel comfortable doing anything more than facial expressions...either way, I would bring it up with him and say you're not impressed by it.

I hope no male work colleagues of mine are like that, they are awful. DHs response was not good in my view.

Which part of Covid 19 cases does his workplace not understand by the way? Having a work social, just irresponsible as it could lead to large numbers having to self isolate.

Your DH didn’t say it. His reaction wasn’t good but at the start of the evening in his garden could be an awkward time to confront. I’m being generous but definitely have a word today.

That’s disgusting. I over heard my DP talking like that it would be a serious turn off.

He didn’t talk like that!!!! He made a facial expression.

@Whinginadeville

You know your husband. I often smile, nod agreement or even laugh in social situations where I'd rather give a pedantic correction or even put down. I'd honestly have no friends or social life if I pulled my friends on their behaviour all the time.

I agree with this and my DP is not responsible for what his mates do or say all of the time either. Though I have cut some people out of my life, usually repeat offenders.

If I overheard this I would feel uncomfortable but I'm not naïve enough to think that my DP has never had a wank thinking about someone else, I have. I'm also not controlling enough to police what him and his mates talk about.

I would tell him that I overheard and that I felt uncomfortable though. Why would you not do this?

I wouldn't want my DP to overhear some of the things that are said when I'm with friends. Seems we can talk about men and women who give us the fanny gallops here on mumsnet with no judgement as long as were not masturbating or asking about it.

I know my DP and I know there are times when he may shrug something off that he is not comfortable with and times he will make a stance. As @Whinginadeville said you know your DH

This is how a lot of men talk when no women are around.
It's horrible but good luck trying to stop it.

^This

It’s a disgusting way to talk about women - you’re right. The crassness and immaturity is par for the course. Some men revert to their early teens when with other men. Think about 14 and 15 year old boys and their constant talk of shagging this and shagging that. In reality, they’ve probably shagged no-one. It’s all show to demonstrate how big and cool they are and show they’re ‘in with the lads’.

So, although it is disgusting, I don’t think it suggests your DH actually fancies her. He probably just joined in the ‘fun’ banter’ 🙄

Sorry to say men say shit like this and worse all the time to each other...I wouldn't think any more of it

How do you know she had a crush on him? Sounds like the other way around, I’m sorry.

@LimeRedBanana

This girl had a crush on him not the other way round and it was obvious for others to pick up on.

The comment from the colleague very much suggests the OP’s DH was/is the one with the crush:

and I overheard DH's mate say "are you still wnking over **?" about the ex colleague who fancied him.

Why would he, ahem, be ‘wanking over’ someone he didn’t fancy?

Yes, I thought something similar. Why are they still joking about the girl if she has now left (why did she leave?). How long ago did she leave? Maybe dh fancied her a little also. Seems an odd comment to make.

Ex DP had friends like this , he always maintained he was the good guy of the group but was passive and immature so I think he went along with it (they also continually messaged each other all sort of details about their bowel movements) it made me feel enraged and also like a sort of boring nag curbing their fun lads fun. Ugh. It's one thing I do not miss at all and the next man I get in a relationship with will need to be more established, mature and not do this sort of crap

@NiceGerbil

Standard blokey bloke talk.

I have the dubious honour of groups of men quite often seeing me as in their group. They seem to forget I'm female.

Loads and loads and loads of men talk like this and worse. Standard 'banter'.

I have this "privilege " I openly and loudly say in a sarcastic manner, "oh no please do tell me more about the manner of you fucking your girlfriend into next week, I'm always looking for new ideas"
Or similar. Always sarcastically, always loudly, and always making the point I dont want to hear it. They simply do not care. They carry on. Fucks me right off.

I hope no male work colleagues of mine are like that, they are awful.

I’d bet they are, just about every man I’ve worked or socialised with is to some extent. Lots of different ages with lots of different backgrounds. In the OP’s case it’s not that they’re trying to be offensive about crush women but more taking the piss out of her DH.