Mortified by what I've overheard from DH's workmates - AIBU

[poppingcandy1]

NC because I am utterly mortified by this

This evening DH had a work social and had some work friends round to the garden for drinks before they went out. It's well known that a young girl who used to work with them had a big crush on DH, nothing has happened between them however and he always said he found it cringey. This evening I arrived home with DDs before DH and mates went out, and I overheard DH's mate say "are you still wnking over ?" about the ex colleague who fancied him. His response was not impressive, he sort of raised his eyebrows and laughed - very laddy and disgusting really.

I feel really upset over this but don't know if I am being unreasonable. She was a pretty young woman and they probably all thought that, so maybe I shouldn't expect better especially as they had no idea I was there. But I just feel really uncomfortable about the whole thing and now am worried DH actually really enjoyed this crush she had on him and his feelings were more untoward than I thought.

Help kick some sense into me!

‘WTH? I heard that!’ Shouted loudly from wherever you were would have shut the little weasels up.

Said in a ‘shut the F up’ way not a lighthearted way.

I think you H didn't handle it too badly. Yes, it would have been better if he called it out, but he raised an eyebrow to show some sort of surprise or disapproval and though he laughed he didn't indulge it or carry it on. Reading that back I realise that I am setting the bar low for men. Their bar is always so low..

If you want to say something to him then you could perhaps say you would have appreciated him calling that out. He could have told them it was disrespectful to you, compounded by being in your house, as well as to the former colleague.

I like to think that in your shoes I would have had the presence of mind to say something to that guy myself, even if only, ' I beg your fucking pardon?', but may have just been to gobsmacked to react in the moment.

@maddy68

It is normal ladish banter. Gross but that is what's said. No intention or meaning behind it

See I just don't believe that. I just don't believe that this talk within their circles doesn't carry on out into their real life attitudes to women.

Imagine a group of white guys making vile comments about black people because they are black. Would you dismiss that as just banter with no intention or meaning? Or would you think they really had shitty racist attitudes?

Why is it that women are expected to accept this shit language and thought about them and to pretend 'it doesn't really mean anything?'
It clearly does!

I'd hate that too, but sometimes men just say these things to look big and clever infront of their mates... sad but true. It was probably just banter. If it makes you feel that uncomfortable though say something to him because it's not nice to hear.

@poppingcandy1

Appreciate everyone's responses

Two things

1. I just don't know how to mention it to him and am worried it won't actually give me any closure on it? I imagine he will say something like "oh you know what * is like, he was just being stupid" and then I imagine he will tell me he has definitely never wanked over this girl and tell me what he told me before that the crush was cringey and made him uncomfortable. But I just feel I am doubting that is true now and now I have seen the other side of him and his mates when I'm not there, I'm really doubting him!

2. His reaction is hard to describe as only I (and his mates ofc) actually saw it. It certainly wasn't a shrinking wallflower reaction but he also didn't engage in "yeh banging one out every night" kind of chat either.

Argh I'm probably coming across pretty over the top about this but I just feel really sad and annoyed that I've now seen this side and can't unsee it!

There’s two separate issues here:

1. Shit male banter. This has been well-covered in the thread so far. You have to hope your husband is a sheep, OP, rather than one of the pillocks who actually think this stuff is funny.

1. Your feelings about him being possibly attracted to the former colleague. I think you might just have to take that on the chin a bit. Of course he will have enjoyed a young, attractive colleague having a crush on him - wouldn’t you? It’s normal and natural to have a crush from time to time. So what if he really did masturbate thinking about her? It’s not like watching porn or having an affair. Try not to feel like it’s a judgement on you. It’s not about you at all.

Do not let this go. Casually ask him when he last wanked over xxx and see his reaction. He didn't deny it, he didn't berate the vile colleague who asked him so he's clearly ok with chatting like that. Ask him how he'd like it if someone spoke about you or worse still, your dd's like that? Did your dd's hear them?

Whilst my DH would never, ever say that to someone, I can imagine in your DHs position he might have reacted similarly. Not actually say anything to call it out and just sort of making a jokey face. He isn't the sort to call out laddish behaviour, he would just avoid it in his day to day life. If confronted by it he would play it down.

I'd speak to your DH about it and see what his reaction is.

Ugh laddish men are the absolute pits. I don't understand why anyone is with them, they are the biggest turn off ever.

Agree with everyone else

I'd be telling DH your you never want to see these men in your home again and when he asks why, you can tell him you overheard their conversation and you're not prepared to listen to that sort of 'banter', nor provide hospitality to such rude, disrespectful, misogynistic people.

Whilst my DH would never, ever say that to someone
😅
‘My DH/DC would never...’ Famous last words!

Just because his work colleagues teased him about "wanking over " doesn't mean he ever did.
That's how this kind of banter works. Tbh, I haven't heard this kind of talk since school, but definitely remember the "ooh you have a crush on " type teasing - whether somebody did or didn't was irrelevant.
I wouldn't read too much into your DH's actions based on what his colleagues have said.

‘My DH/DC would never...’ Famous last words!'

There's a small possibility I know him better than you?

I’d be more concerned he was hearing this kind of misogynistic “banter” and wasn’t calling it out. I couldn’t have overheard this and not called it out myself. Hideous.

‘My DH/DC would never...’ Famous last words!

I know my DH doesn't talk like this with his friends.
He has often, unprompted, told me about someone (friend of a friend type contact) who has made disgusting comments about women, and he has distanced himself from people like that.

I often wonder how many men actually don't feel comfortable with it, but just go along with it as its easier than calling them out.

Men are misogynists. Most of them. This is how they talk about women. Breathtakingly dreadful if you've never heard it, but very very commonplace behaviour in all male situations.

Men who quietly go along with it lack courage.

@Notaroadrunner

Do not let this go. Casually ask him when he last wanked over xxx and see his reaction. He didn't deny it, he didn't berate the vile colleague who asked him so he's clearly ok with chatting like that. Ask him how he'd like it if someone spoke about you or worse still, your dd's like that? Did your dd's hear them?

I agree with this .No idea how old your Dds are but ask your DH will he be OK when his friends make remarks about them ..Will he laugh it off ?

He laughed it off. Can't see any problem tbh.

What happens if the tedious self appointed Archbishop of Banterbury misjudges his audience and the ratio of encouraging acolytes to reluctant half-smile and change the subject people is wrong? Mixed with a couple of confident "no time for this shit" men? Does it ever happen that one person speaks up and one or more of the quieter ones are also emboldened to sort of join forces and say "Yeah shut up Arch nobody even cares?"

Surely that should be "Yeah shut up Your Grace, nobody even cares"?

Are his mates Neil and Jay from the Inbetweeners? 🤣🤣Don't think your DH is being out of order necessarily, just peer pressure I guess

EvilPea
The issue if you call them out is they’ll do it tenfold, start talking in ‘sissy’ voices, possibly ‘mince’ to indicate he’s gay, go on about him being hen pecked and react just like the characters in Bottom or The Young Ones.

As I said, I think he handled it in the best way possible. By making the smallest reaction possible to shut it down. And it worked.