Page 12 | Mortified by what I've overheard from DH's workmates - AIBU

poppingcandy1 · 2021-07-20T23:11:17+00:00

NC because I am utterly mortified by this This evening DH had a work social and had some work friends round to the garden for drinks before they went out. It's well known that a young girl who used to work with them had a big crush on DH, nothing has happened between them however and he always said he found it cringey. This evening I arrived home with DDs before DH and mates went out, and I overheard DH's mate say "are you still w*nking over *****?" about the ex colleague who fancied him. His response was not impressive, he sort of raised his eyebrows and laughed - very laddy and disgusting really. I feel really upset over this but don't know if I am being unreasonable. She was a pretty young woman and they probably all thought that, so maybe I shouldn't expect better especially as they had no idea I was there. But I just feel really uncomfortable about the whole thing and now am worried DH actually really enjoyed this crush she had on him and his feelings were more untoward than I thought. Help kick some sense into me!

Quirrelsotherface · 22/07/2021 21:51

Im just astonished at the naivety of some people on here .."porn on whatsapp?" ...hahaha

Totally agree, the naivety is ridiculous. Their partners are probably the ones popping to the shed to have a sneaky wank.

Blossomtoes · 22/07/2021 21:53

@FayCarew

I don't really wish to be called anything like that by someone I don't know.

Nor me. It’s a really hard one because if you object you’re labelled as “one of those women”.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 22/07/2021 21:58

It’s a really hard one because if you object you’re labelled as “one of those women”

I agree.

I can’t stand it when people are overfamiliar.

CatherineAragon · 22/07/2021 22:15

@Quirrelsotherface

Im just astonished at the naivety of some people on here .."porn on whatsapp?" ...hahaha

Totally agree, the naivety is ridiculous. Their partners are probably the ones popping to the shed to have a sneaky wank.

Assumes all men wank to porn. I know there is a view on MN that ALL men do, but they really don't.

CatherineAragon · 22/07/2021 22:19

I was going to have my boiler replaced and various other things done. The man who came out to do the survey spent the whole time calling me love. I phoned the office after he had gone to tell them I didn't want them to proceed because I don't appreciate being patronised like that. The woman in the office said they had had numerous complaints about it and he had been disciplined, but still did it.

mathanxiety · 23/07/2021 04:33

How do we do this and, in context of the OP, what is/was the right response to that horrible scenario?

By challenging language that patronises, that insults, and that is used as a means of asserting dominance, as posters here have described in recent posts, and by holding men accountable as individuals.

It's not easy to be 'that woman' who walks into the room where an unsavoury conversation has just taken place, and asks those present to look her in the eye and repeat everything they have just said.

We are conditioned to not be 'that parent', 'that rabid feminazi' - to not stand out or stand up for ourselves, to not rock the boat, to not challenge men for fear of being called all sorts of disparaging names behind our backs. We need to leave our comfort zones.

Those of us who are mothers of sons have to come to grips with cultural expectations of boys and men and challenge every single detail that is wrong and will lead to bad attitudes and bad behaviour and ultimately, oppression of women. We need to teach them that housework and parenting are team efforts. We need to start talking about porn and stop pretending it's normal and that it doesn't hurt us. It caricatures and demeans women, and we shouldn't have to put up with it. We need to sit boys down and explain right and wrong to them.

mathanxiety · 23/07/2021 05:06

One of the biggest problems in modern society is that people’s efforts are focussed on themselves. It’s why there’s so little sense of community.

And we as a class are firmly in the lower sections of the heap, thanks to that complete lack of any sense of community or mutual responsibility. We have too much of it for our own good and the other half of society may pay lip service to the concepts but they only give up privilege when they are forced to.

We won't be able to change anything until we change our own position of powerlessness.

Remind me again how many rapes are estimated to occur annually in the UK? Is that a loose or a firm estimate? Why are we forced to estimate this number?

We need to face up to our lowly position. We need to face up to our lack of equality, and the fact that being female means having our basic rights infringed daily. We are deluding ourselves that we have the power to effect change for the better in anyone's lives when we seem to be so completely unable to secure something as basic as adequate child support payments from absent fathers, or the guarantee of school environments free from sexual harassment. We can't even advocate successfully for our own children.

We don't really have the right to go on TV and not be considered conventionally beautiful. We don't have the right to play a sport at Olympic level unless we wear a ridiculous kit designed purely for the titillation of male viewers. We are so used to constant vigilance that we have accepted the idea that careful balancing of physical risk vs the benefit of exercise is the price we must pay for something as simple as talking a walk at night.

We have a long, long way to go before we are going to be any real use to anyone.

CatherineAragon · 23/07/2021 05:52

@mathanxiety

How do we do this and, in context of the OP, what is/was the right response to that horrible scenario?

By challenging language that patronises, that insults, and that is used as a means of asserting dominance, as posters here have described in recent posts, and by holding men accountable as individuals.

It's not easy to be 'that woman' who walks into the room where an unsavoury conversation has just taken place, and asks those present to look her in the eye and repeat everything they have just said.

We are conditioned to not be 'that parent', 'that rabid feminazi' - to not stand out or stand up for ourselves, to not rock the boat, to not challenge men for fear of being called all sorts of disparaging names behind our backs. We need to leave our comfort zones.

Those of us who are mothers of sons have to come to grips with cultural expectations of boys and men and challenge every single detail that is wrong and will lead to bad attitudes and bad behaviour and ultimately, oppression of women. We need to teach them that housework and parenting are team efforts. We need to start talking about porn and stop pretending it's normal and that it doesn't hurt us. It caricatures and demeans women, and we shouldn't have to put up with it. We need to sit boys down and explain right and wrong to them.

👏👏👏👏

brokenbiscuitsx · 23/07/2021 07:10

If you haven’t already read “invisible women* it’s an eye opener.

FayCarew · 23/07/2021 07:31

It was a woman who was calling me darling. I don't like it from men, although my attractive male married neighbour calling me it is less annoying that a random shop assistant doing it. At least my neighbour knows me. -His wife is lovely and I don't fancy him--

Sonofabiscuit · 23/07/2021 08:59

@FayCarew

I told a supermarket checkout assistant today that I don't like being called Darling and find it patronising.

I'd not met her before.

I hate this as well from males or females . My older sister is a shop worker and calls everyone love ,darling etc..at work and when out . I'm forever telling her to stop it as bloody patronising and creepy .,

TroysMammy · 23/07/2021 13:36

A colleague uses the word love many times during telephone calls with patients. I cringe everytime. She also starts each call with "hello surgery" and ends each call with "no problem" and sometimes "no problem love". Totally unprofessional and the opposite to customer service training I received in my previous job.

Suspicioussam · 24/07/2021 11:14

I think terms like love and darling used in the right way are friendly and warm. People are different, they come from different backgrounds, use different words and terms. I've met some wonderful, kind servicemen that use these terms and it's part of their personality, and just the way they talk. It's often a regional thing and women use them too. I think it's a shame that language is getting policed to such an extent that people are getting disciplined for terms that are friendly. Might as well replace all human contact with robots.

Blossomtoes · 24/07/2021 13:01

@Suspicioussam

I think terms like love and darling used in the right way are friendly and warm. People are different, they come from different backgrounds, use different words and terms. I've met some wonderful, kind servicemen that use these terms and it's part of their personality, and just the way they talk. It's often a regional thing and women use them too. I think it's a shame that language is getting policed to such an extent that people are getting disciplined for terms that are friendly. Might as well replace all human contact with robots.

That’s fine. You don’t mind. I object to being patronised by someone half my age. We’re not all the same.

saraclara · 24/07/2021 14:02

I once posted that I really dislike posters on here calling other posters darling, or responding to posts with, 'Oh my love...' when they don't know them from Adam. I got pretty much crucified.

On the other hand, when I'm visiting the area where I grew up, and shop assistants call me 'me duck' I like it. That's not said in any kind of patronising way or tone - it's just a regional way of connecting with people.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 26/07/2021 08:14

@saraclara

I once posted that I really dislike posters on here calling other posters darling, or responding to posts with, 'Oh my love...' when they don't know them from Adam. I got pretty much crucified.

On the other hand, when I'm visiting the area where I grew up, and shop assistants call me 'me duck' I like it. That's not said in any kind of patronising way or tone - it's just a regional way of connecting with people.

I really dislike that too. It sounds so patronising.

IRL I call my teenage students ‘lovely’ - ‘Come on lovely, get your books out/settle down/take your coat off now’. A couple of the older ones commented on it last term and said it was calming! 😅 To me It’s regional and a habit and said to children.
I asked them if other people did the same and they said lots of adults did and they liked it.

I would NEVER say it to another adult though. I would never say ‘my love’ or ‘lovely’ or ‘darling’ to a colleague or friend or stranger.