Mortified by what I've overheard from DH's workmates - AIBU

[poppingcandy1]

NC because I am utterly mortified by this

This evening DH had a work social and had some work friends round to the garden for drinks before they went out. It's well known that a young girl who used to work with them had a big crush on DH, nothing has happened between them however and he always said he found it cringey. This evening I arrived home with DDs before DH and mates went out, and I overheard DH's mate say "are you still wnking over ?" about the ex colleague who fancied him. His response was not impressive, he sort of raised his eyebrows and laughed - very laddy and disgusting really.

I feel really upset over this but don't know if I am being unreasonable. She was a pretty young woman and they probably all thought that, so maybe I shouldn't expect better especially as they had no idea I was there. But I just feel really uncomfortable about the whole thing and now am worried DH actually really enjoyed this crush she had on him and his feelings were more untoward than I thought.

Help kick some sense into me!

I have the dubious honour of groups of men quite often seeing me as in their group. They seem to forget I'm female.

And I think that's a clue about the thought process... the 'banter' just happens to be sexual and about women, but not about you... in their heads, you and the women in the banter are very different entities. They don't look down on you, you're one of them, and you 'understand' it's only banter just like they understand it...

Only you don't. Because you are a woman, and this IS demeaning to women and it isn't how you'd talk in a group of women and it's not a conversation you'd ever initiate amongst men, and it's not something that's remotely amusing.

That woman in office who's legs / breasts / whatever they are commenting on is someone's daughter, or mother, or sister, or wife etc. But in their heads, she's none of those things. She's just fodder for the banter and it's not personal.
Except it is, because they'd turn super macho if those comments were made about their daughter or mother, or sister etc.

It's very weird.

In order to be included they have to literally ignore/ forget my sex.

Loads of men definitely have one set of behaviours with just men and s different set if a 'lady' is present.

This ‘friend’ of your H had the audacity to come to your home and initiate banter about his perving over this woman…and H played along. They’ve obviously discussed her in this revolting manner previously. You can bet that H never actually thought her crush was ‘cringey.’ Far from it.

I hope you confront him asap and read him the riot act. He has shown zero respect for you, his daughters, or the woman in question. My respect for him would be plummeting.

He's behaved how the vast majority of men do when 'with the boys'

It's up to OP what to do.

He didn't take it further he shut it down in a way that didn't make him lose face.

I wouldn't think anything except his work mates were bog standard blokey tests personally.

In the end it's up to the OP.

This is why I'm realising why I never want a relationship. These laddish twats and 'banter' are grotesque. I've heard very posh company directors talk like this. Essentially men really think women are just here to service them.

I worked in a male dominated industry and they can talk like this. The guys in my team were all married with children and they all loved their wives. I never got a whiff that any had been or were being unfaithful. But when they chatted amongst themselves, they could be crude, and they weren't even best buds that hung out together outside work. It was as if they were bonding, like monkeys eating each others lice. 🙄 🤭 They would never have spoken about each others family like this nor would they have allowed anyone to speak about their family.

Please don't worry that because they spoke like this, it in any way means your husband has been up to no good. I mean he might have been, but this is not a telltale sign that he has.

I would absolutely call him out on it and ask how he would feel if men spoke about his DD's like that.

This isn't banter. Banter is fun. This is just continuing the objectification of women.

Ridiculous responses here. Your DH handled that as good as you could expect. Didn't engage and just shut it down without making it a thing.

You are unreasonable to get mad at him, but not unreasonable to be mad at the friend of course.

@Newcastleteacake

I would absolutely call him out on it and ask how he would feel if men spoke about his DD's like that.

This isn't banter. Banter is fun. This is just continuing the objectification of women.

Is it though? The woman was interested in him, so I'm not so sure this is objectifying her.

His friend was disgusting. Is there any chance DH was caught by surprise and didn’t know how to answer hence his non-verbal response? Or do you think this is something they’ve joked about before and he was very much playing along? I’d hate this tbh and would have a quiet talk to him about respecting women and how the exchange made you feel.

Most men talk about women like this when they think they can't be overheard. Men are gross!! The veneer of civility is very thin. Most women don't realise how vile men are !

No doubt your DH found it flattering but says it made him cringe... embarrassed because of the attention?
His work colleagues are very immature and would probably like this kind of attention on them so they goad/ tease your DH turning it round in him.
A raised eyebrow and a smile shuts them down. He could have told them to behave but he didn’t.
Like I said, colleagues are immature little boys. This is the sort of thing you hear 16 year olds saying.

@Shelddd

I disagree. What you are saying is that because she was interested in him it makes it ok and she deserved it?

That's called victim blaming.

@joystir59

Most men talk about women like this when they think they can't be overheard. Men are gross!! The veneer of civility is very thin. Most women don't realise how vile men are !

This is true. I have worked with lots of very wholesome men on the surface and their ‘lad banter’ is grim. Same can be said about the women. Middle aged women openly making comments and cackling like hyenas about men young enough to be their son. I honestly don’t know what’s worse.

Actually, I don’t think hyenas cackle but you know what I mean! 😅🤣
Laughing like hyenas
Cackling like witches
Combined together!

[quote Newcastleteacake]@Shelddd

I disagree. What you are saying is that because she was interested in him it makes it ok and she deserved it?

That's called victim blaming.[/quote]
Where is the victim? The only victim here is OP. Victim requires harm, there was no harm done to the woman.

@GiantHaystacks2021

This is how a lot of men talk when no women are around. It's horrible but good luck trying to stop it.

Agreed. I work in construction and some of the stuff I hear on a daily basis is much, much worse than this. And a lot of their wives probably think the same as some on here, that their husbands would never say such things. When they are in a group then sadly they do, not all, but they do

And it's definitely not just the young ones, not by a long stetch

Well, clearly you need to talk to him about it.

The fact that he didn’t actually say anything in response suggests he wasn’t necessarily going along with it, but peer pressure prevented him from actually calling his buddy out.

Who knows though. Maybe he didn’t find it as cringey as he told you he did.

Which is why you need to let him know what you overheard, and hear what he has to say.

Newcastleteacake

It can also be bloody annoying getting unwanted attention. Yes, the OP’s DH might be flattered on one level but having to deal with his colleagues ‘teasing’ could also be a real pita.
This girl had a crush on him not the other way round and it was obvious for others to pick up on.
Sounds like he batted her away quite successfully otherwise the conversation between the men would be quite different.

This girl had a crush on him not the other way round and it was obvious for others to pick up on.

The comment from the colleague very much suggests the OP’s DH was/is the one with the crush:

and I overheard DH's mate say "are you still wnking over **?" about the ex colleague who fancied him.

Why would he, ahem, be ‘wanking over’ someone he didn’t fancy?

@Shelddd

Ridiculous responses here. Your DH handled that as good as you could expect. Didn't engage and just shut it down without making it a thing.

You are unreasonable to get mad at him, but not unreasonable to be mad at the friend of course.

Totally agree…nothing about your OP makes me thinking that your DH has done anything bad.

Not everyone has the confidence to challenge other people’s views so openly. Are you all saying that in a similar situation you would have challenged the guy?

That said, I would be having a word with DH about it too! It might make him see things differently in the future if you explain why you weren’t happy at what you overheard.

LimeRedBanana

The comment from the colleague very much suggests the OP’s DH was/is the one with the crush.
Not necessarily.

My previous post:

No doubt your DH found it flattering but says it made him cringe... embarrassed because of the attention?
His work colleagues are very immature and would probably like this kind of attention on them so they goad/ tease your DH turning it round in him.
A raised eyebrow and a smile shuts them down. He could have told them to behave but he didn’t.
Like I said, colleagues are immature little boys. This is the sort of thing you hear 16 year olds saying.

I think you should talk to him about it as @LimeRedBanana suggests.

You need some reassurance here and he is the only one who is going to be able to give you that.

The comment could have been completely meaningless. Maybe the friend knew that she had a crush on him and teased him about it and turned it around on him. Men make comments like this all the time.

It doesn't mean that your DH reciprocated but you will never know if you don't communicate about what you overheard and let him reassure you.

@LimeRedBanana

This girl had a crush on him not the other way round and it was obvious for others to pick up on.

The comment from the colleague very much suggests the OP’s DH was/is the one with the crush:

and I overheard DH's mate say "are you still wnking over **?" about the ex colleague who fancied him.

Why would he, ahem, be ‘wanking over’ someone he didn’t fancy?

Could be a case of guys teasing each other?

Banter often goes like this. He knew that she fancied OP's DH, so was teasing him about it.

Obviously impossible to say through what we can know on this thread but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he actually fancied her from one immature comment from a teasing friend.