Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take contraception

461 replies

GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 08:49

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

OP posts:
SleepyBurrow · 20/07/2021 08:53

I suppose technically he knows the risks and is thinking with his dick. But you also know the risks and are letting him. What would he do if you got pregnant? Leave? You ok with that? Or would he be ok?

I don't blame you for not wanting to take contraception, I also don't. But It just sounds like a bit of a toxic relationship for the both of you to be honest.

I can't help but think he isn't as against having another child as he says so maybe another conversation needs to happen!

Zarene · 20/07/2021 08:54

YANBU - your DH is an idiot if he really doesn't want a child but also refuses to take any responsibility himself.

But I would think about the consequences - if you end up pregnant, it sounds like your DH may (very unfairly) resent you and the baby. He may not be a good dad to them, or he may not even stick around. I know you don't mind having a baby, but do you mind doing it alone or with a useless and bitter partner?

Demelza82 · 20/07/2021 08:56

Why won't he have a vasectomy?

RickOShay · 20/07/2021 08:58

I did this for years. I think we both would have been ok with another baby, and I didn’t want to take hormonal contraception.
I didn’t get pregnant.

Janaih · 20/07/2021 08:58

Yanbu but if you did get pregnant it would be a big strain on your marriage and possibly the end of it.
Of course that applies to a lot of couples regardless.
In theory contraception should be a joint effort and decision, we all know in practice it's mostly down to the woman

Mumoblue · 20/07/2021 08:59

Well right now you’re probably going to end up with another baby. You and he need to actually talk about that rather than ignoring it until it happens.
You could also insist on condoms.

The whole thing doesn’t really sound like a healthy relationship.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to take hormonal BC. I didn’t realise how much mine was messing with me until I came off it, but you two need to come to an agreement, rather than ending up with another baby that neither of you particularly seems to want.

fairgame84 · 20/07/2021 08:59

You've been totally upfront with him so YANBU.
Can you get a cycle tracking app to pinpoint ovulation etc? I think since he's asked about when it's safe in your cycle it would be fair to get an app to show him or help him out.

As for the copper coil, I had it and it was fine. Gave me an odd smell just before AF but otherwise no issues and I'll probably have it again once we've had a baby.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 20/07/2021 09:00

YANBU, he should be responsible for contraception if he doesn't want another child.

I do understand where your friend is coming from though, it would be very unfair to bring an unwanted child into the world and for that reason I would probably suck it up and use contraception. I'm divorced and although I get on well with my ex it really isn't ideal for children.

vivainsomnia · 20/07/2021 09:00

It comes down to him hating condoms vs you not wanting to try the copper just because of one account of a rare event.

I can understand your position that ultimately, you'd be happy with another child, so why should you be the one dealing with contraception. I can see his point that if he condoms really impact on his enjoyment of sex, you not wanting to even try the copper is being a bit selfish.

You really need to talk and come up with a compromise you can both deal with. As things stands, you are likely heading towards trouble and heartache. From that perspective, then yes, you are both being irresponsible.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/07/2021 09:00

You’re a bit u, as it’s the child - and your existing child - who will bear the consequences if you do get pregnant. Such as the two of your divorcing if he’s unhappy to have another child.

Generally you’re not u to expect him to take the precautions. He needs to wear condoms - much less of a burden than hormonal contraception- or get the snip. I wouldn’t be having sex with him unless he does one or the other.

LivingLaVidaCovid · 20/07/2021 09:00

Yanbu but I would be repeatedly telling him.
I also think you need an "if i got pregnant and kept it how would you feel / what would your life look like" conversation.

Wanttocry · 20/07/2021 09:01

Your DH is definitely the most unreasonable person here. But I agree with your friend in that I would not continue to have unprotected sex with him in these circumstances.
You said you gave him the options - no sex, condoms, vasectomy, and I agree he’s unreasonable, but you are now continuing with the fourth option, unprotected sex.
I totally understand your desire to not be on contraception, I’m not on any hormonal contraception, so I just wouldn’t be having sex in this scenario.

LolaSmiles · 20/07/2021 09:01

It's fine to not want to take any form of hormonal contraception, but why does DP have to be the one to 'instigate' condoms? Why can't either of you say "let's get a condom"?

It sounds like you're probably hoping for another baby and he's hoping the pull out method will work /he won't get unlucky.

It comes down down whether you think bringing another baby into this relationship is a good idea, and whether you'd be happy raising your children alone/with a disinterested partner who'll cling to 'but I never wanted another one'.

FangsForTheMemory · 20/07/2021 09:04

I wouldn't be using contraception but I'd also be refusing to have sex unless your DH used a condom. Pulling out is a good way to get pregnant: does he really think you won't conceive that way? By asking you if it's a safe time of the month, he's AGAIN making it your responsibility to avoid pregnancy.

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 09:04

Yes I do see the point regarding a strain on the marriage if I were to become pregnant and he was very against it.

But, I will admit possibly naively, I just can't see him ever resenting his child. He absolutely adores his son. He is quite the gentle type really.

And to be honest if he resented me for a situation like this, where he'd known all along it was a possibility and the reasons why, I'd think he were a twat anyway and I'd no longer feel like a team who took responsibility for a decision we both had part in and it would probably be the end anyway because of that.

You can of course never say how someone will react in a situation until they have been in it so I don't want to say I think he'd do X or Y. Just that he is typically a good man and our marriage is great so I'd hope it would be something we got through.

But I'm reluctant to put things into my body I don't want to simply to negate a possible bad reaction from him if something did happen. I don't think that really seems fair nor reasonable.

OP posts:
ArabellaStrange · 20/07/2021 09:04

This is why Vasectomies were invented, he does not want another child, therefore it is up to him to ensure that there won't be one.

Naunet · 20/07/2021 09:05

So your friend thinks women should take contraceptives that make them feel shit, despite being ok with getting pregnant, because it’s what her husband wants, purely all so he can ejaculate inside her? Why does him not liking condoms, trump your right not to pump yourself with hormones? Nothing must get in the way of men and their orgasm it seems.

Fuck that. You’ve been very clear with your husband as to where you stand, if he’s 100% sure he doesn’t want another, then he needs to take responsibility for that.

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 09:08

It comes down to him hating condoms vs you not wanting to try the copper just because of one account of a rare event

The person I know got an infection which led to a full hysterectomy and was in hospital for weeks which they believe was caused by her coil. I appreciate it's rare but seeing someone you actually know go through that is quite worrying compared to impacting on how sex feels imo.

OP posts:
Wanttocry · 20/07/2021 09:11

@Naunet

So your friend thinks women should take contraceptives that make them feel shit, despite being ok with getting pregnant, because it’s what her husband wants, purely all so he can ejaculate inside her? Why does him not liking condoms, trump your right not to pump yourself with hormones? Nothing must get in the way of men and their orgasm it seems.

Fuck that. You’ve been very clear with your husband as to where you stand, if he’s 100% sure he doesn’t want another, then he needs to take responsibility for that.

No, I think the friend is saying that if there is no contraception that both people in the couple can agree on, and the couple also don’t agree on having a baby, they probably shouldn’t be having unprotected sex. I agree that OP shouldn’t take contraception she doesn’t want, but since she can’t force her husband to use contraception, no sex is the sensible option.
Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 09:11

@Demelza82

Why won't he have a vasectomy?
He brought it up once as if he was actually going to look into it and then a few days later said he'd decided against it and didn't want to do it. Said he felt too young (early 30s).
OP posts:
Naunet · 20/07/2021 09:11

It comes down to him hating condoms vs you not wanting to try the copper just because of one account of a rare event

Well condoms are non invasive and completely safe, so he can stop being selfish and use them, can’t he?

Ilikeknitting · 20/07/2021 09:12

Your Dh needs to take responsibility for contraception if he doesn’t want another child.

You are very liable to end up pregnant again if you are having unprotected sex, would an unplanned pregnancy be better or worse than wearing a condom? Would your marriage survive a second child? Because if I was aware that a second child could potentially leave me as a single mum to two, sex would be right off.

I’d recommend a trip to you family planning unit, have a chat about alternatives that may work for you, diaphragm maybe?

pinkyredrose · 20/07/2021 09:12

But you also know the risks and are letting him

Letting him? Presumably he's got a mind of his own? He knows how babies are made by now and the OP is being honest with him. If he doesn't want another pregnancy he knows how to prevent it.

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 09:13

I’d recommend a trip to you family planning unit, have a chat about alternatives that may work for you, diaphragm maybe?

I don't want anything invasive.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/07/2021 09:13

I don't blame you for not wanting to take contraception, I also don't. But It just sounds like a bit of a toxic relationship for the both of you to be honest.

This...

I mean you could always come to something working together. Pull out and you track your cycle ir something. I am surprised either of you even wants sex with this mood around