To refuse to take contraception

[GreatBigArse]

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

You need to be assertive about using condoms. Put them next to the bed. Try find a brand you both like.

Or female condom

@vivainsomnia

Wtf happened to my body my choice Indeed, what has happened to it. OP shouldn't be expected to do something she is not comfortable with, but nor does it. His body, his choice, if he doesn't tolerate or like a condom, his choice. If he doesn't want a vasectomy, his choice.

So that leaves them with no sex, and whatever consequences come with a sexless marriage.

Well actually that leaves OP with the current scenario surely? And her husband with the option of no sex.

If he does not want a pregnancy, he is welcome to use condoms or not have sex with her, those things are within his power completely.

OP has the same options except she is not worried if a pregnancy does happen, so why would she stop having sex if she wants to?

If he chooses to turn his marriage into a sexless marriage because he will not use condoms (!?) then that's up to him surely.

Otherwise he'll have to just keep pulling out and hope for the best.

@Musmerian

Pretty much all contraceptives offered to women, with the exception of the cap, have potentially serious side eve and mess with your hormones. Have you considered a cap? Or if you track your cycle carefully that can be pretty accurate- that’s what I did after my third as was very clear I wasn’t having anything invasive. You need to be on the same side here though and it sounds as though your communication isn’t great. I wouldn’t have wanted my OH to have a vasectomy either. On a side note woman I work with git pregnant with her fourth after her DH had a vasectomy. She didn’t realise until she was 5 months and was pretty pissed off!

You can get pregnant from a vasectomy if you dont wait until husband sperm count is tested and confirmed which can take months after

I wanted another child, my DH didn't. I said that it was unfair to expect me to be responsible for contraception when I wanted another child and he didn't. I've been quite happy to have sex without contraception, but was quite clear that I wouldn't be terminating if I got pregnant. He uses condoms and is responsible for contraception.

I was similar as you OP. Got pregnant with baby 2 and DH promptly got a vasectomy afterwards. I was done with taking the responsibility for contraceptions and I was very vocal about wanting baby 2. He didn't want another baby but also refused to use condoms and get the snip so we ended up with baby 2!

Quite right. He can get the snip if he really doesn’t want one. Why should it always be on the woman!

OP I would be having a very much 'cards on the table' discussion in which you make it clear to him that you will be taking no responsibility for contraception as you would quite like to have another baby. This means the contraceptive responsibility totally lies with him. This way he cant claim that any resulting pregnancy is anything other than an active choice on his part.

It may be that, as a PP suggested, he is nervous of making that choice and changing the status quo. Having his choices put clearly in front of him may make it easier for him to come to a decision.

By the by, I wouldnt recommend the copper coil. We tried that after DC2 was born. DC3 was born 15 months later practically clutching the damn thing! Anecdotally, pregnancy using the copper coil is not a rare thing.

@LucindaT73

I found the diaphragm invasive and revolting

Well, that's one opinion anyway.

So why did you bother with it in the first place? Surely you knew what happened with it? You have to be fitted and shown how to use it. No one made you.

Incredibly rude of you to ask.

Lets just say it was a temporary measure needed in response to a very distressing and personal event. I don't have to reveal it to you.

In the end I found no suitable method and ditched it after a very few tries.

Hope you are satisfied now. You are not the font of all knowledge about contraception for everyone.

Your body, your choice. Absolutely refuse to take contraception if you're fine with having a baby (& know he can pay for it if you both split up over it). Place the ball very much in his court, why should women always have to take the responsibility?

You have looked after the contraception for x years and borne your child.
It is now his turn to step up!
And I'm sorry but wtf should the op put something she doesn't want into her body because her husband prefers sex without a condom? I'm sure he could just suck it up and get used to it.

@LemonLymanDotCom

Your body, your choice. Absolutely refuse to take contraception if you're fine with having a baby (& know he can pay for it if you both split up over it). Place the ball very much in his court, why should women always have to take the responsibility?

hate the "he can pay for it" comments about a potential future child that could be conceived. oh yes, that really makes up for having an absent/uninterested parent as a child doesn't it and for the other child to have a potentially broken home.

what a wonderful environment to bring a baby into!

just so we can all rejoice and pat ourselves on the back for holding the moral high ground, whilst smugly saying well I DID tell you I didnt mind if I got pregnant. fuck what it does to the kids though and their mental health.

@FangsForTheMemory

I wouldn't be using contraception but I'd also be refusing to have sex unless your DH used a condom. Pulling out is a good way to get pregnant: does he really think you won't conceive that way? By asking you if it's a safe time of the month, he's AGAIN making it your responsibility to avoid pregnancy.

Completely agree with this.

If you fall pregnant you can guarantee it will be your fault. After all, he is taking the time to ask about your cycle, it’s not his fault that you aren’t taking responsibility (firmly tongue in cheek as I think he’s being an absolute twat).

I would also refuse sex without a condom. If he can’t wear one of those for 20 minutes he can’t expect you to bother with anything more intrusive.

It's bizarre how some people think birth control is solely the woman's responsibility.

After years of taking the responsibility, being pregnant and giving birth surely it's entirely reasonable that the male partner takes responsibility when he's the one that doesn't want more children!!

YANBU at all.

From your posts you are both fully aware of the situation and have made decisions that neither of you are unhappy with.

I probably wouldn't be bothering to track my cycle either. If DH doesn't want to use contraceptives after you previously using them for years, that's his risk. It's unfair to still expect you to take responsibility for trying to predict if it's low risk enough to have sex, not to mention taking the spontaneity out of it.

As he's against vasectomy, and happy to risk withdrawal method (though personally, I can't understand how it's considered a method by some) it doesn't sound like he's actually against another child. As long as you've both considered the consequence of a pregnancy, which it seems you have, then your friend has played devil's advocate, nothing more. It sounds like you're still happy with the status quo. Don't worry what the mn masses think (including me! ).

Of course you're not being unreasonable in not wanting to use hormonal contraception.

But you are being a bit unreasonable in assuming he'll magically change his mind if/when you get pregnant, and possibly in assuming he has completely understood that this is a very real possibility - him repeatedly asking you if it's a safe time to have sex suggests that he doesn't want another child, and he thinks this is a good contraceptive alternative to condoms.

I think you need to have a conversation with him where you talk about what would happen if you got pregnant. If your cycle is currently messed up, you have no real way of knowing when your fertile days are exactly, so you're more likely to get pregnant accidentally, even if you didn't want to. I think he might not entirely realise this, and you're resting a lot on the hope that he'll be happy really - he really might not be. In which case, this conversation can be the catalyst for him making sure he uses condoms every time, or has a vasectomy. Or you'll find out that he'd actually be ok with having another child is you got pregnant so you can carry on as you are, and you'll probably have another baby soon.

Why are you having unprotected sex with someone who does not want a child?

Why is he having unprotected sex when he doesn't want a child?

Seriously, I think you both need to grow up.

Sorry.

You’re not bu in the slightest op. A sea change is needed with regards to attitudes to contraception. Boils my blood.

@1Saymynamesaymyname

Why are you having unprotected sex with someone who does not want a child?

Why is he having unprotected sex when he doesn't want a child?

Seriously, I think you both need to grow up.

Sorry.

If he doesn’t want a child that’s HIS responsibility, not OP’s 🙄

He’s obviously not that bothered if he’s happy to have unprotected sex.

@Nsky

Just to add, not all women after sterilisation get bad periods, accupunture can help, no issues, good choice for me

@Nsky She would like another child. So why would she want to get sterilised (an invasive procedure for women when having a Vasectomy is quicker, easier and safer with less risks and less side affects)? It's rather counterproductive for her to undergo such an invasive procedure would she would want another child. Please RTFT.

I didn't vote because the issue isn't as binary as you make out. YANBU to refuse to take hormonal contraception for any reason, of course you're not. Your body, your choice. Your DH is NBU to say he doesn't want another child, that's perfectly valid. However, YABU as a couple to be having unprotected sex when you both know that one of you doesn't want another child.

He is irresponsible to continue having unprotected sex with you and risk bringing a child into the world he does not want. You are being naive and short-sighted to continue having unprotected sex with a man who has categorically said he does not want another child and think it'll all be fine if you do get pregnant. You're right, OP that he should be the one to take responsibility for contraception since he is the one who doesn't want a pregnancy, but he hasn't taken responsibility, so why are you just accepting this? You are both thinking about this from entirely your own perspectives and failing to consider the impact on the potential child. Stop having unprotected sex with him and tell him he needs to sort contraception.

If he really doesn’t want another baby then he can have a vasectomy.
If another baby does arrive it won’t be the end of the world? It’s not like you have 4 or 5 already.

I do think it is hilarious that his lordship doesn't want another child so the scolds are out telling the OP all the ways she can prevent him from fathering one--except by taking responsibility for his decision.

@vivainsomnia

It comes down to him hating condoms vs you not wanting to try the copper just because of one account of a rare event.

I can understand your position that ultimately, you'd be happy with another child, so why should you be the one dealing with contraception. I can see his point that if he condoms really impact on his enjoyment of sex, you not wanting to even try the copper is being a bit selfish.

You really need to talk and come up with a compromise you can both deal with. As things stands, you are likely heading towards trouble and heartache. From that perspective, then yes, you are both being irresponsible.

So him enjoying sex less due to condoms trumps her not wanting a coil? OK then. Do a woman had to have a something she doesn't want so he can enjoy sex more, a bit misogynistic don't you think? So much for body autonomy