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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take contraception

461 replies

GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 08:49

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

OP posts:
atotalshambles · 20/07/2021 09:48

I think fair enough, OP. I won't take any hormones either. I think you both need to be aware that there is a chance you might end up with another baby and that is the way it is. There are apps that let you know when you are ovulating and so you could avoid those dates (although not 100% of course).

olivesnutsandcheeseplease · 20/07/2021 09:48

I think you've said what needs to be said. He knows the score. Just crack on.
If you have another baby then you have another baby, so be it.
There's no drama here really, you've been totally upfront about it. If he wants sex then he puts a cover on it if he's that bothered about not having another child.

MrsN100 · 20/07/2021 09:48

I think yabu as you do know the consequences of taking these risks. You can dig your feet in and say tough, but if you do get pregnant then you are the one sitting with a situation about what to do. On your end you should be taking precautions, but agree that he is being selfish as well.

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 09:49

I think he is also guilty of when we met just allowing it to be my default responsibility, being on the pill (which I was before we TTC). Not because he's a shit but just because I think that's how society is. Contraception is widely seen as a woman's issue and I don't believe there is often a big discussion about it until something like this happens. I think most men are happy to assume their partner, girlfriend or wife will take the responsibility for that until she says otherwise.

OP posts:
Hallyup6 · 20/07/2021 09:49

Congratulations on your second child.

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 09:50

[quote MissSmiley]@GreatBigArse what happens if you get pregnant "accidentally" and he accepts the child, all good, what will you do about contraception after that or are you happy to maybe have 6 more children?[/quote]
I guess we'd need to either not have sex, use condoms or he get the snip. All options which are available to him now if he doesn't want a second.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 20/07/2021 09:51

Get a diaphragm. It's no more invasive than using tampons.

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 09:51

I think yabu as you do know the consequences of taking these risks

Of course I know the consequences. Most adults would I imagine. My husband knows them too.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 09:51

@KirstenBlest

Get a diaphragm. It's no more invasive than using tampons.
No. I don't want one.
OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/07/2021 09:52

Have you had a follow up conversation along the lines of, why is he happy to risk another child when he doesnt want one and that you're worried about the affect on your relationship if you got pregnant and he resented you etc

SarahBellam · 20/07/2021 09:55

This is totally on him. If he doesn’t want a baby it’s his responsibility to make sure he doesn’t have one, especially when you clearly would quite like one. You need to make sure he knows this - that if you get pregnant it is entirely as a result of his choices and behaviours. You have made it clear where you stand.

RaginaPhalange · 20/07/2021 09:56

You're both being irresponsible. You need to talk and come up with a compromise.

vivainsomnia · 20/07/2021 09:56

What would you do if you were desperate not to get pregnant but still very much wanted a sex life?

The issue here is that deep inside, you'd like to be pregnant, so understandably, you don't want to take any responsibility for something that is not giving you the desired outcome.

It's still comes down to copper vs condoms. Does he dislike them, hates them, if so why, or can't tolerate them for whatever reasons? What does he think of your decision not to consider the copper?

MissSmiley · 20/07/2021 09:57

@GreatBigArse I completely agree with you that it shouldn't be just your responsibility but I would want to be in control of my own fertility, but I think if he's adamant he should have the snip

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 09:58

It's still comes down to copper vs condoms. Does he dislike them, hates them, if so why, or can't tolerate them for whatever reasons? What does he think of your decision not to consider the copper?

What is the risk to him of using condoms? I am sure they are greater for me having a coil inserted, even if rare (and there was a thread on here not long ago about contraception where lots of women said the copper coil caused them very heavy and painful periods so complications obviously not that rare).

I don't feel the two are comparable.

OP posts:
Awrite · 20/07/2021 09:59

Entirely reasonable op.

I made a similar decision after dc1. Dc2 was planned. Dh booked himself in for the snip shortly afterwards. He felt it was the least he could do.

86% agreed with you when I voted so don't be swayed by the vocal minority.

youdoyoutoday · 20/07/2021 10:01

I don't understand why men get so silly about this stuff?
When I had my merena coil removed when trying for my second child, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me, I was less moody, less anxious, just less of feeling crappy in general!! I told my DP then how i felt and he simply said he would never expect me to fill my body up with chemicals again so after DD was born, we use condoms.
A male friend of mine has 4 kids and his wife said no more sex until he a vasectomy as she was fed up with taking the pill, he made an appointment the next day!
Contraception is not just a woman's problem!

TheAntelope · 20/07/2021 10:02

What would you do if you were desperate not to get pregnant but still very much wanted a sex life?

Except OP isn't the one desperate not to get pregnant. Her DH apparently is so therefore your question should be what should HE do if HE is desperate not to get his wife pregnant, the same wife who's explicitly told him she's not taking any contraception and won't abort a pregnancy. The answer is condoms or the snip.

Awrite · 20/07/2021 10:03

Re the coil - there was also a thread about a woman wanting hers out due to continuous bleeding and finding the NHS reluctant. Cue dozens of posters saying the same thing.

Yeah, comparable to condoms.

IARTNS · 20/07/2021 10:03

I refused to take any contraception, told DH if he didn't want a child then he either used condoms or abstained.
Guess which option he went for Grin

LoislovesStewie · 20/07/2021 10:04

I'm just curious to understand why you say no to a diaphragm?

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 10:05

@LoislovesStewie

I'm just curious to understand why you say no to a diaphragm?
Because I don't want something in my body. That's my choice.
OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 20/07/2021 10:06

Don't have sex then.

You don't want to use any contraception seemingly and your DH doesn't want a baby.

I didn't like the Pill at all. I have used a diaphragm and condoms.

Diaphragm was fine but it isn't 100% effective, but no contraception is.

I think the truth is that you want a baby.

EL8888 · 20/07/2021 10:07

@LoislovesStewie why does the responsibility for contraception have to sit with her though?

Topseyt · 20/07/2021 10:08

You are not being at all unreasonable. You have been open and clear to him about where you both stand. The ball is in his court now.

His choices are vasectomy (by far the best), condoms or no nooky. You have been very clear with him.

As for those pushing diaphragms, I had one once briefly and they are shit. I remember having to coat it with lots of spermicide so it felt revolting. I then had to leave it in for much of the next day, which I hated. Caused me thrush too. Horrible thing. I quickly ditched it and never tried it again.