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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to take contraception

461 replies

GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 08:49

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

OP posts:

Saltyslug · 20/07/2021 09:25

He’s an adult and knows the risk of unprotected sex and that you won’t abort. He could opt to slip a condom to prevent pregnancy but chooses not to.

vivainsomnia · 20/07/2021 09:25

But, I will admit possibly naively, I just can't see him ever resenting his child. He absolutely adores his son
Do you know how many women thought exactly like you, deep inside really wanted a child and convinced themselves that although their partner had explicitly told them they didn't want a child, assumed that he would change his mind when holding the bundle of joy, and then turned very bitter when the exact opposite happens?

The worse is when they are still very close to the eldest but can't bond with the youngest and it leaves the youngest to wonder what is wrong with them.

Your husband has told you he doesn't want a child, you need to listen, believe and respect it. The responsibility is on both of you to ensure a pregnancy doesn't happen. You really need to discuss it further rather than both of you relying on luck, him that you won't get pregnant, you that you will and he will be happy about it.

GalaxyGirl24 · 20/07/2021 09:26

OP, I also did the same after DD and decided no more hormones right now. DH knows the score

Lockheart · 20/07/2021 09:26

@GreatBigArse

But as a couple they'll need to come to a unanimous agreement on either the contraception of choice or that they take the risk of another baby

Well isn't the latter exactly the situation? He knows there is a risk of a baby, he knows I'm not taking anything and he knows I won't be getting an abortion if it happens and he's still having sex therefore he has agreed to take the risk of another baby surely?

But you're making an assumption and avoiding the topic instead of having an adult conversation. So is he. Don't assume he's "agreed" to anything. Not if you value your relationship.

You need to have a chat about this pronto.

LolaSmiles · 20/07/2021 09:28

But you're making an assumption and avoiding the topic instead of having an adult conversation. So is he.
Exactly this. There's 2 adults who would rather run the risk of an unplanned pregnancy and bring another child into the world than have a proper discussion about contraception and family planning.

leakymcleakleak · 20/07/2021 09:28

Honestly I don't think he can be as bothered as he's letting on.

DH (before he was DH) wasn't sure he wanted children. I definitely did. We knew this from early on, and set a time limit on when we'd need to make a decision. During that time, I was on the pill and he used condoms. Every. Single. Time. I was clear that I couldn't terminate a pregnancy in a loving relationship, but that I'd do everything I could contraception-wise, and we doubled up because tbh that's what people who really don't want children do.

After a few years, I started having a bad reaction to hormonal contraception: I switched various brands, looked into options, and we agreed to rely on condoms because it was a health thing. It was around the time he was starting to think he might be pro children anyway. When we have our second child, either I'll do the copper coil for a bit of he'll have a vasectomy, as at that point an accidental third would be a financial disaster. But I think the OP has been incredibly clear and honest, and men who genuinely don't want children at all and behave as her husband is doing are twats, and men who behave as her husband is and aren't twats are probably just not ready to actively commit to a child but would probably be ok with a 'happy accident.' Of course there's a big risk for the OP in finding out which one she's married to but at least in a worst case scenario she'll get another child out of it.

Naunet · 20/07/2021 09:29

Did I say that? Of course it doesn't and you're being ridiculous. Them both being happy means that they're both - you know - happy. Which means that OP doesn't take hormonal contraception and as a couple they agree on an alternative plan or to accept the risk

Great, so what’s the solution here then? OP has done her bit in terms of child birth and contraception, it’s his turn. He refuses to wear a condom or get the snip, but still wants to have sex. What’s the answer? Because to me, it sounds like he thinks the answer is to accept the risk.

TheAntelope · 20/07/2021 09:30

"Don't assume he's "agreed" to anything

I'm not really sure what other assumption you can make if you've said 'hey DH I'm not taking any contraception and if I get pregnant I'm not having an abortion' and he says okay and continues to have sex with you.

Unless he's a complete idiot that is obviously agreement to take the risk.

Naunet · 20/07/2021 09:30

But you're making an assumption and avoiding the topic instead of having an adult conversation

I think it’s fair to assume a grown man, a father, knows how babies are made.

Whoarethewho · 20/07/2021 09:31

This shows what a crap position men are in with regards to contraception. The only temporary method is condoms. No coil, implant or pill available.

Abouttimemum · 20/07/2021 09:31

Well I hate the feel of condoms and wouldn’t want to use them and i wouldn’t want DH to have a vasectomy at his age in case something happened to me and he fell in love with and wanted a family with someone else, so I’d find a contraception in the plethora of available contraceptions that worked for me.

That said, you’ve been open with him and if there’s no compromise and you’re both taking the risk then the conversation needs to be about what happens if / when you fall pregnant.

I think fair play to you for being up front and honest. He understands to continue to have unprotected sex means you might make a baby, and you can’t be any clearer than that!

Bibidy · 20/07/2021 09:33

@ArabellaStrange

This is why Vasectomies were invented, he does not want another child, therefore it is up to him to ensure that there won't be one.

I agree with this, if he's adamant he doesn't want another child and you - understandably - don't want to go back on hormonal/invasive contraception then he needs to take charge.

Either a vasectomy or condoms.

TheAntelope · 20/07/2021 09:33

@Whoarethewho

This shows what a crap position men are in with regards to contraception. The only temporary method is condoms. No coil, implant or pill available.

They can refuse sex if they don't like it. It's not on women to pump themselves full of hormones they don't want to because there hasn't been an appropriate equivalent for men made yet (and I'm sure there probably could be if the world wanted it!).

Regularsizedrudy · 20/07/2021 09:36

Yanbu. Female contraception is much more invasive and has way more side affects than condoms. I don’t respect men who claim to hate condoms. Yes it might feel better without but they just have to grow up and get over it. It’s really not a big ask to wear a condom. If their pleasure is more important than my safety they are not a man worth bothering with.

Lockheart · 20/07/2021 09:36

@Naunet

Maybe he does think the answer is to accept the risk.

The solution is to have an adult conversation about it, and if they're not happy to accept that risk as a couple then start exploring their options.

I also really don't think it's helpful to position contraception as something you take turns doing. Whilst there's no doubt that hormonal contraception takes its toll, presumably OP was happy to take it just as her DP was happy for her to take it. It was a mutually agreed decision. And whatever they decide next should be as well.

When you're having sex with someone you both need to be secure and comfortable with the contraception used, you can't just say "it's your turn now". Again, not a good basis for a happy or healthy sex life.

TheAntelope · 20/07/2021 09:37

i wouldn’t want DH to have a vasectomy at his age in case something happened to me and he fell in love with and wanted a family with someone else, so I’d find a contraception in the plethora of available contraceptions that worked for me

I'm surprised anyone thinks like this tbh. If I didn't want to put hormones into my body, the fact I might die and DH may want to have more children with another woman would not factor into my decision for a single second.

Bibidy · 20/07/2021 09:37

OP, another thought....would you be happy for him to have a vasectomy?

It sounds like you are pretty open to another child so just wondering if that would be an acceptable solution for you, since it would end that possibility for you?

If not, I'd be tempted to push him to use condoms or maybe look at the mini pill, which might have less negative effects on you.

Sittingonabench · 20/07/2021 09:37

I don’t think you are being unreasonable in refusing to take contraception however I do think you are unreasonable in thinking you can vacate any responsibility for it and for not having a clear conversation with him about contraception. You are both adults, married with a child and say ‘he knows’ ‘surely it’s clear’. Sit him down and tell him you want to talk about contraception, tell him the options you have considered and why you don’t want to take them. Tell him his options and ask how he feels about him. Talk about the risks and benefits of tracking your cycle and the withdrawal method (would you be open to tracking your cycle and letting him know) and talk about what will happen if you do fall pregnant (cycle method to my knowledge is tricky and not always reliable). I think your friend is suggesting that you should be able to talk and be clear as a couple what you are doing about contraception as currently it’s all a bit vague and you know he doesn’t want another child.

waltzingparrot · 20/07/2021 09:38

It wouldn't be an unwanted child; you have said you would want her/him.

Regularsizedrudy · 20/07/2021 09:40

@Whoarethewho

This shows what a crap position men are in with regards to contraception. The only temporary method is condoms. No coil, implant or pill available.

🤨 Hardly. They have readily available painless contraception with no side affects. There has been loads of male contraception tested but it never gets to market because there is side affects. Meanwhile it’s fine for women to put their bodies through all sorts so some bloke doesn’t have to stick a Johnny on it.

Naunet · 20/07/2021 09:41

And that seems to work out very well for men.

Lockheart · 20/07/2021 09:44

@Naunet

And that seems to work out very well for men.

Only if you don't enforce your own boundaries.

MissSmiley · 20/07/2021 09:45

@GreatBigArse what happens if you get pregnant "accidentally" and he accepts the child, all good, what will you do about contraception after that or are you happy to maybe have 6 more children?

Original poster

GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 09:45

presumably OP was happy to take it just as her DP was happy for her to take it. It was a mutually agreed decision. And whatever they decide next should be as well

To be honest contraception, when I was younger, just always felt like the default. You become sexually active as a teen and then you, the woman, go on the pill of some sort. It felt like just a right of passage if that makes sense not something I was happy or unhappy to do just something I felt I had to.

I wasn't taking anything for a long time as it took us a while to conceive in the first place and have somewhat grown up since then in terms of confidence and standing up for myself which now means that I feel confident in saying no I'm not going to do this anymore because it makes me feel shit and I'm not happy with it.

Obviously what I've written here is a brief description of the conversations me and my husband have had. He was there all through the issues I had with the injection and implant after our son was born. He saw how difficult it was and he was there when I said no more. He knows why I won't be putting anything like that in my body again and he has agreed with that because he saw how it made me. He also knows because I have explicitly told him that I will not entertain the idea of an abortion if I were to become pregnant. He went away and said he was thinking about the snip then said he didn't want to do that. I'm not sure how much clearer I can be.

Tracking my cycle could possibly work but they are all over the place at the moment (not long been off the last lot of contraception which messed me up).

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/07/2021 09:47

Are you willing to be a single parent to 2 children? That’s the worse case scenario I think. YANBU but this is a risk.

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