To refuse to take contraception

[GreatBigArse]

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

No, I think the friend is saying that if there is no contraception that both people in the couple can agree on, and the couple also don’t agree on having a baby, they probably shouldn’t be having unprotected sex
I agree that OP shouldn’t take contraception she doesn’t want, but since she can’t force her husband to use contraception, no sex is the sensible option

So they shouldn’t have sex because if OP get pregnant it might put strain on their relationship, but OP won’t feel any resentment or disillusioned by not being able to have sex? That’s just as damaging.
He’s happy to have sex anyway, so he can’t be that bothered about her getting pregnant, can he?

Yanbu. Contraception is not solely your responsibility. I made the same decision to come off all Contraception as all the artificial hormones really mess with my body. You have told him this and he is not willing to do anything about it so that's on him not you. My husband completely supported my decision and has now decided to get the snip because he doesn't want me to suffer when there's an easy fix.

If your husband doesn't want any more children I can't understand why he is so against the snip. He seems a bit selfish letting you go through the suffering of hormonal or painful birth control implants etc but won't do anything to fix it himself.

YANBU not to want to use contraception. But you are being a bit unreasonable in continuing to have sex with him. If he really doesn't want a child then he should do something about it. But as others have said, if you get pregnant, it's unlikely to end well, so you need to take some responsibility as well - no sex unless he's protected. And pulling out doesn't count!

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I don't blame you for not wanting to take contraception, I also don't. But It just sounds like a bit of a toxic relationship for the both of you to be honest.

This...

I mean you could always come to something working together. Pull out and you track your cycle ir something. I am surprised either of you even wants sex with this mood around

There is no mood around honestly. We are completely normal with each other, there is no mood.

This only came up because me and my friend happened to be talking about contraception.

It's not a conversation that is repeatedly happening with DH or causing an atmosphere.

I’d recommend a trip to you family planning unit, have a chat about alternatives that may work for you, diaphragm maybe?

Why should she when he won’t even make the effort to wear a condom and he’s the one who doesn’t want another child?! Jesus, why do we pander to men like this?

I don't think YABU to not want to take hormonal contraception but I think you're being silly to carry on and just assume your partner will be ok with whatever happens.

Sex is something you both do together and you should both be happy with the contraception you're using, or if you're not using contraception then you should both be happy with the risk of falling pregnant. It doesn't sound like this is the case.

You need a frank discussion about what to do going forwards and what you'd do if you were to fall pregnant, and if you're not happy with that risk then how do you mitigate it in a way you're both comfortable with?

What is it about condoms he hates? Has he tried a decent variety of brands and types? I think a lot of men hate condoms because they just grab whatever Durex they can get at the chemist when really they're more like bras and you can't do that - at least, not if you want to be comfortable!

Do you secretly want another baby?

@ArabellaStrange

This is why Vasectomies were invented, he does not want another child, therefore it is up to him to ensure that there won't be one.

This!

He doesn’t want another child but expects you to take all of the responsibility to ensure he doesn’t have another child.

He needs to make better decisions. Either a condom or a vasectomy.

I would ask him if he’s serious about not having another child since he’s playing silly “pull out method” games. He’s being very irresponsible for someone who’s adamant he doesn’t want another child.

@Naunet

No, I think the friend is saying that if there is no contraception that both people in the couple can agree on, and the couple also don’t agree on having a baby, they probably shouldn’t be having unprotected sex I agree that OP shouldn’t take contraception she doesn’t want, but since she can’t force her husband to use contraception, no sex is the sensible option

So they shouldn’t have sex because if OP get pregnant it might put strain on their relationship, but OP won’t feel any resentment or disillusioned by not being able to have sex? That’s just as damaging.
He’s happy to have sex anyway, so he can’t be that bothered about her getting pregnant, can he?

I absolutely agree that the husband is by far the most unreasonable person here. I’m just saying, in this situation, I would not be having sex because that’s the only part I can control. I would not be happy about any part of the situation. But I would not want to have a baby with someone who didn’t want one, so since I can’t force the other person use contraception, and I don’t want to use contraception, no sex is the only option left.

You aren’t being unreasonable to not be using hormonal contraception. And it isn’t your job to manage your husband’s decision about this. But this isn’t just about the two of you - it’s also about this hypothetical third child.

Children should be conceived because they are actively wanted - not as a semi-tolerable consequence of two peoples’ inability to have a frank and decisive conversation about contraception.

A second child who is unwanted by your husband could destroy your marriage. What effect would that have on the new baby, and your existing child?

I you need to start imagining this child as a real person who deserves to be conceived into stable circumstances with two committed and loving parents.

If your husband doesn't want any more children I can't understand why he is so against the snip

If I were to be completely honest I'd say it's because he wants to be able to change his mind. I personally don't get the impression from him that he's as against it as he says he is but I don't push it.

I decided 2 years ago I was done with hormonal contraception. It doesn't agree with me and I refuse to have anything put in my body again because doctors refused to remove my implant for months and I did not like that loss of autonomy. But if we aren't trying to conceive it will be condoms or no sex. You do need to play your part here in preventing an unwanted child, as well as your husband. At the moment you are both playing Russian roulette and it will all end in disaster.

@Mrgrinch

Do you secretly want another baby?

OP has been very clear that she would be ok with having another baby, so no secret. Hence why he needs to wear a condom if he doesn’t want another.

YANBU. He needs to take some responsibility, he knows the risks after all. I would not be taking hormonal contraception because he can’t be arsed. Why should it be on you?

@Naunet

I’d recommend a trip to you family planning unit, have a chat about alternatives that may work for you, diaphragm maybe?

Why should she when he won’t even make the effort to wear a condom and he’s the one who doesn’t want another child?! Jesus, why do we pander to men like this?

Because a relationship involves two people and both need to be happy?

"Why should I?" tends not to make for a constructive or healthy relationship.

To be clear, I think he needs to be looking at alternatives for himself as well. But as a couple they'll need to come to a unanimous agreement on either the contraception of choice or that they take the risk of another baby.

YANBU at all. Same situation here. I’ve always been in charge of contraception and obviously have had to go through pregnancy, birth, c-sections, miscarriages and also the side effects from contraceptives. I can’t be bothered with any of it anymore so DH is getting the snip. He’s been dragging his heels over it for a year though, our youngest has just turned one and he got the referral letter just after he was born! He pulls out which is totally irresponsible and I’ve told him as much yet he continues. I’ve started just avoiding sex when I know it’s the fertile window and so far so good.

You’re well within your rights to refuse contraception and since he knows where he stands, it’s down to him to put a condom on or have a vastecomy.

@Mrgrinch

Do you secretly want another baby?

I would be happy to have another baby, as I've said. If it never happens or if DH decided to get the snip then that's okay but if he said we could try for another I'd be happy with that yes. (And he knows that).

Life is hard for men when they are told to take responsibility for their fertility and all the ways to protect themselves are ‘just not niiice’!

Might have had that conversation with my own DH. It still took him months before he finally plucked the courage to book the snip.

It's entirely reasonable for him to say he doesn't want a baby whilst not being ready to make a fairly drastic change to his body. I don't get the if he doesn't have a vasectomy then he must be open to another baby argument. Plenty of people choose to have no more children without getting the snip or their tubes tied.

You both need to have a discussion about contraception instead of repeatedly having unprotected sex, when you aren't in agreement about having another baby.

Because a relationship involves two people and both need to be happy?
Ahh, so both being happy means women doing things they don’t want to do so that men don’t have to take any responsibility? What a wonderful recipe for happiness.

"Why should I?" tends not to make for a constructive or healthy relationship
Tell her husband that. OP has already done her bit, where is his contribution?

There are also femidoms and the cap, however I would be pissed off at his reluctance to take responsibility himself.

But as a couple they'll need to come to a unanimous agreement on either the contraception of choice or that they take the risk of another baby

Well isn't the latter exactly the situation? He knows there is a risk of a baby, he knows I'm not taking anything and he knows I won't be getting an abortion if it happens and he's still having sex therefore he has agreed to take the risk of another baby surely?

Good for you in terms of deciding what makes you feel healthy and safe in your body,

Oops posted to soon, was also going to say-

BUT it would be unfair to bring an unwanted child into the world so he needs to have a vasectomy or use condoms. That's the top and bottom of it really.

@Naunet

Because a relationship involves two people and both need to be happy? Ahh, so both being happy means women doing things they don’t want to do so that men don’t have to take any responsibility? What a wonderful recipe for happiness.

"Why should I?" tends not to make for a constructive or healthy relationship
Tell her husband that. OP has already done her bit, where is his contribution?

Did I say that? Of course it doesn't and you're being ridiculous. Them both being happy means that they're both - you know - happy. Which means that OP doesn't take hormonal contraception and as a couple they agree on an alternative plan or to accept the risk.

Don't put your back out reaching like that.