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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take contraception

461 replies

GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 08:49

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 10:08

You don't want to use any contraception seemingly and your DH doesn't want a baby

Well this is my point. Why is it down to me to want to use any contraception. If my husband doesn't want a baby he can refuse sex or use condoms if he doesn't want the snip.

I have said multiple times I wouldn't mind another baby if it happened, I'm not hiding that.

OP posts:
Farwest · 20/07/2021 10:09

YANBU to want another child and to refuse all contraception methods pertaining to your body on that account.

YABU to say it's just about hormonal contraception, when in truth you object to all forms that require you to take action. I think you should be honest about your motivation (pregnancy). It's an entirely reasonable motivation.

YABU to take a decision about any form of medical intervention based on a single case.

YABU - you both are - to walk this line, not discussing the obvious likely outcome - another baby.

Mostly, though, your dh is unreasonable. He doesn't want a baby, and it's up to him to stop it happening, and I bet anything that he will blame you when you announce the pregnancy.

Question: Once you have had this next baby, how will you feel about contraception?

MyCatDribbles · 20/07/2021 10:09

If you have regular periods and ovulation then if I were you just stick to having sex outside of the fertile window. Low chance of pregnancy (not zero chance though of course, but then contraception doesn’t have zero chance) and you don’t have to put hormones in to your body.
There’s apps that help you do this, though if you know the physical signs then you can do it without an app.

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 10:09

As for those pushing diaphragms, I had one once briefly and they are shit. I remember having to coat it with lots of spermicide so it felt revolting. I then had to leave it in for much of the next day, which I hated. Caused me thrush too. Horrible thing. I quickly ditched it and never tried it again

Ugh. When men have to push things like this into their bodies before having sex then we can talk. No thank you.

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/07/2021 10:09

If he asks you again whether it’s ‘safe’, do tell him there’s no such thing as a ‘safe’ period. As someone I know, who had an absolutely clockwork cycle, eventually found out.
As long as he’s happy with that, and won’t blame you if Nature wins after all, fine.

LucindaT73 · 20/07/2021 10:10

You are both unreasonable.
For a start, you are willing to consider any contraception for you.

A diaphram is NOT invasive. It's a bit of rubber you insert then remove. It's the equivalent of the condom. So if you won't even consider it, you are no better than your DH.

There are also female condoms- how about those?

Likewise, one account of an infection with the copper coil- very rare indeed. Those infections can be caused by STIs and other vaginal infections, not the coil itself, unless there was negligence when inserting it.

Becoming pregnant carries FAR more risks than either of the above.

My way of seeing this is

1 He hopes and prays it won't happen and his 'sex brain' takes over.

2 You hope it might.

It's not an adult way to behave.

As for a vasectomy- I'd never have forced DH to do that. If I'd fallen under a bus or we'd divorced, he might have wanted more children with someone else. It's too permanent (and yes, I know it can sometimes be reversed.)

SlothinSpirit · 20/07/2021 10:10

Condoms are the least invasive method of contraception for both of you.

I'm amazed that people think YABU for not wanting to stuff yourself full of hormones or have something stuck inside you. Have they not been following the horrific stories in the news about the coil and having it inserted?

Your DH enjoying sex slightly less than he would without condoms is really not more important than your bodily integrity.

Hirewiredays · 20/07/2021 10:11

This is the approach I took. I had my last child last year. This finally propelled him to get the snip done.

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 10:11

YABU to take a decision about any form of medical intervention based on a single case

Is it ever unreasonable for anyone to take a decision about a medical intervention on their own body based on anything they like? I don't think it is personally. I don't feel the need to explain myself why I won't have the coil. I have seen some stories about it that have worried me and I'm not willing to put one inside me. I'm not sure how I can be unreasonable for that.

OP posts:
LucindaT73 · 20/07/2021 10:11

I had a cap (diaphram) for 2 years. it was okay and better than an unwanted child.

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 10:12

A diaphram is NOT invasive. It's a bit of rubber you insert then remove. It's the equivalent of the condom

Do men have to put condoms inside their body? I must have been using them wrong in the past.

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 20/07/2021 10:13

Did he not do biology at school?

Why is it your responsibility only?

He either puts his money where his mouth is (get the snip), or he accepts that sex doesn't happen without a condom. He can't have it both ways.

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · 20/07/2021 10:13

It comes down to him hating condoms vs you not wanting to try the copper just because of one account of a rare event Why should she have a piece of metal inserted into her uterus if she doesn't want to?

StoppinBy · 20/07/2021 10:13

I had a lot of problems with contraception. In the end we used NFP methods and I tracked my very reliable cycle. After we had our second I knew without a doubt there would be no more kids for me ever but I wasn't going to go through all the shit again trying to find one that might work for me.

The only thing I didn't try was a uterine implant and I had had enough of all the nasty side effects.

Hubby happily had the snip.

You are well within your rights to say no more contraception methods that effect your body. He knows the risks, he's not a child. My guess is he isn't actually that opposed to a second child but doesn't want to admit it.

Planty13 · 20/07/2021 10:13

Honestly I think you’re both being silly. He doesn’t want anymore kids yet you are willing to risk bringing another child into the relationship with a man who can’t even hold himself accountable.
You are absolutely not being unreasonable in not wanting to use birth control and he is a dick to be honest. Don’t bring a child into this.

Turniptracker · 20/07/2021 10:13

I'm genuinely amazed at this thread. The male pleasure and orgasm really must be protected at all costs apparently. Fml men are so precious. Buy better condoms, vasectomies can be reversed, tell him to stop whining and be more respectful of you. You literally sacrificed your body to provide him an offspring it's the least he can do in this PARTNERSHIP

Blanketpolicy · 20/07/2021 10:13

YANBU to not take hormonal or other contraception you don't want to take.

YABVU not to have a grown up conversation and agreement about what you will do instead.

CurbsideProphet · 20/07/2021 10:14

If your DH definitely doesn't want another child he can buy condoms or have a vasectomy. Contraception is not solely your burden.

LucindaT73 · 20/07/2021 10:14

Is it ever unreasonable for anyone to take a decision about a medical intervention on their own body based on anything they like?

Yes. Sometimes it IS especially when you are putting yourself at a MUCH higher risk from being pregnant!

There are millions of women who use a coil.

You don't know why that infection occured.
It could have been an STI your friend picked up.
How would you know about that?

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · 20/07/2021 10:14

A diaphram is NOT invasive. It's a bit of rubber you insert then remove. It's the equivalent of the condom it goes inside you. She doesn't want to. Why should she have to insert bits of metal and plastic into her body but her DH shouldn't be expected to wear a condom?

PicsInRed · 20/07/2021 10:15

YANBU, but you should he insisting on condoms at bare minimum rather than risking "safe times" and "pull out" (which often...isn't). Otherwise you're facing becoming pregnant to a resentful man and then bringing a potentially rejected child into the world - and everything unpleasant that environment would mean for your existing child too.

Honestly though, do you really want to be with a man who has so little care for your physical wellbeing - i.e. your need to be physically well ranks far below his want to have unprotected sex?

He sounds revolting and a crap husband - and therefore also a crap father.

ClawedButler · 20/07/2021 10:15

Guy I know has had the snip aged mid-30s. Family is complete, definitely don't want any more children, but still want to have sex.

It's a half day of discomfort for a man. As opposed to decades of messing about with gels and putting things inside yourself and suffering with hormonal contraceptives (they're a nightmare for me, so I don't use them either).

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 10:16

@LucindaT73

Is it ever unreasonable for anyone to take a decision about a medical intervention on their own body based on anything they like?

Yes. Sometimes it IS especially when you are putting yourself at a MUCH higher risk from being pregnant!

There are millions of women who use a coil.

You don't know why that infection occured.
It could have been an STI your friend picked up.
How would you know about that?

Did you read the thread on here about a month ago with many women on MN who had issues with much heavier and painful periods after the coil?

If you're trying to suggest there are no common side effects from the coil I don't believe you based on women I've actually seen write on here and spoken to with it.

OP posts:
OrangeBlossomsinthesun · 20/07/2021 10:16

There are millions of women who use a coil.

You don't know why that infection occured.
She doesn't want to insert a piece of metal into her uterus. Why should she? Why should she do this rather than her DH wear a condom? Or have a vasectomy?

LucindaT73 · 20/07/2021 10:17

@GreatBigArse

A diaphram is NOT invasive. It's a bit of rubber you insert then remove. It's the equivalent of the condom

Do men have to put condoms inside their body? I must have been using them wrong in the past.

It's equivalent as in being a barrier form of contraception.

You sound incredibly stubborn. No single form of contraception suits you.

But you insist your DH uses one form which for many men depletes the pleasure. (And I personally as a woman hate them too.)