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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take contraception

461 replies

GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 08:49

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

OP posts:
loves2plan · 20/07/2021 10:17

Absolutely YANBU. It is your body and your choice what you do or do not want to put in it. DH knows the risks of having sex with you unprotected. I started on the pill very young and came off it a little while ago and since then I haven't used anything. I hate that it is always the woman's responsibility, often leading to horrible side effects. DP at the time was not happy, thought I was trying to baby trap him which was not the case and I have been up front with every sexual partner about it since.

Namenic · 20/07/2021 10:18

Yanbu, but I would counsel him every time he wanted to have sex and make sure he confirmed that he takes responsibility. He can use condoms or have non penetrative sex. If he wants to track my periods he would be welcome to.

CurbsideProphet · 20/07/2021 10:19

I had a terrible experience with 2 coils. I appreciate many women don't have any issues at all, but I could never recommend them after what I went through. Meanwhile a vasectomy is a day case treatment.

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 10:20

If I'm stubborn for not being pressured to put things inside my body which I don't want in there then yes, I'm happily stubborn.

OP posts:
LucindaT73 · 20/07/2021 10:20

@GreatBigArse You can find negatives about any kind of contraception you want. You're on a mission to do so here.

ie the reports of women with the coil.

I've had a copper coil too.

You sound very unwilling to take responsibility for your body and fertility to the point where any form of contraception is out.

Instead you leave your DH with one option (and I'm excluding the snip as it's permanent in most cases.)

SlothinSpirit · 20/07/2021 10:20

You are not responsible for sticking things inside yourself to make sure your DH's sexual pleasure is not "depleted".

He has a choice.... no sex, condoms or vasectomy.

DecorChange · 20/07/2021 10:21

I've done exactly this. Oh is against more kids me not so bothered. I don't want contraception anymore. So his choice is condoms no sex or the snip. After about 4 months of lectures everytime before sex. He's booked in for the snip. Then the pandemic happened but still he's on the waiting list.

LucindaT73 · 20/07/2021 10:21

@GreatBigArse

If I'm stubborn for not being pressured to put things inside my body which I don't want in there then yes, I'm happily stubborn.
But you will take the risk of having a baby in there!!!

FGS, get a grip.

giletrouge · 20/07/2021 10:21

OP I am applauding you loudly.
Women need to be more assertive about this stuff. Bravo!

Farwest · 20/07/2021 10:21

I don't feel the need to explain myself why I won't have the coil. I have seen some stories about it that have worried me and I'm not willing to put one inside me. I'm not sure how I can be unreasonable for that.

That's pretty much the definition of unreasonable - literally not based on reason and logic. It's purely reactionary.

Look, fair enough if you don't wanna - there are plenty of logical objections - it's your body. I'm not suggesting otherwise. Ditto diaphragms. Your choice. You don't need to use anything especially when you want a baby.

You just seem to be making increasingly weak arguments when the best one is the simplest: I want to get pregnant.

Again, after this next baby, what happens with contraception?

TheAntelope · 20/07/2021 10:22

Trying to guilt and pressure women into putting things INSIDE their bodies when they don't want to is fucking disgusting. And no it is in no way comparable to a bloody condom or sex not quite feeling as good.

Just when I think we may have moved forward in the world I hear or read some women like this and realise how far we still have to go. Absolutely gross.

Puditt · 20/07/2021 10:23

The problem is op your inflicting your expectations of the situation onto him. You clearly want another baby even if you arent actively seeking it, therefore if you get pregnant you dont mind.

However your partner has already told you he doesnt want children. So you cant be holding out on if you get accidentally get pregnant it all works out the same on his behalf. You are risking possible resentment between the two of you, relationship problems and a neglected child. I think its very selfish of you to take this risk and hope that he plays ball with it given he has made it clear to you. You arent respecting or taking hos wants seriously.

Have you not read all these threads on mns about the same thing? Were the man said no I dont want another child, continued to do nothing about it and have u protected sex and then when it came down to the woman getting pregnant turned cold or pressured them for an abortion. You can only assume because things are great in your relationship now (when you dont have another baby that he doesnt want) that he would react great. However I think he would feel very cornered and stressed. YES it's unfair because if he doesnt want a baby he should also take responsibility and make sure that isnt the case. BUT many men dont. They just kind of go along for the ride putting their head in the sand and hope it doesnt happen.

I also think its very childish of you op to keep persisting with abstinence as a form of contraception. Unless you have both spoken and mutually agreed you are okay in a sexless marriage you know that isnt feasible for most people, and by the sounds of it you wouldnt want sexless marriage either as you never refuse sex. If you went down that road it leads to the feeling of being unwanted, rejection ect.

You both need to sit down and have a serious grown up discussion. Figure out a way of contraception BEFORE you have sex again and only then have sex. Stop chancing bringing a poor baby into the world this way. You both need to be mature about this!

Bibidy · 20/07/2021 10:23

I am so surprised at some of these comments.

Surely OP is within her rights to not take hormonal contraception/have a coil fitted - as much so as her DH is within his rights not to want a vasectomy or to use condoms.

I don't see why OP should be pushed into taking a pill or whatever when her DH's reason for not using condoms - the easiest method available for him to prevent pregnancy - is that he just doesn't like them?

Not sure why his dislikes trump OP's here when it's him who is most concerned about preventing a pregnancy.

Noterook · 20/07/2021 10:24

It's not unreasonable to not want invasive contraception, it is unreasonable for him to not want to wear condoms if he doesn't want another child. I think your friend has a point though, it works out okay for you as you'd be happy with another so there's no need to take responsibility yourself as well. I can't think of much worse than having a child the other parent doesn't want, even if it is his responsibility as well.

vivainsomnia · 20/07/2021 10:24

What is the risk to him of using condoms? I am sure they are greater for me having a coil inserted, even if rare (and there was a thread on here not long ago about contraception where lots of women said the copper coil caused them very heavy and painful periods so complications obviously not that rare)
Assuming he doesn't suffer from an allergy and the issue is only with comfort, than no of course, it's not comparable. However, if it means that it genuinely impact on his enjoyment of sex, and ultimately, him wearing condom means no or very reduced enjoyment of sex with you until you do into the menopause is not completely insignificant either and merit not to be totally dismissed.

EL8888 · 20/07/2021 10:25

@TheAntelope exactly this. Some very depressing comments and attitudes on this thread. Then people wonder why men are so entitled, yeah partly because some people want to pander to them so much! Inserting foreign objects inside you and / or lots of hormones. Because he doesn’t want to wear a condom?!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/07/2021 10:25

YANBU. But when he asks if you are in your "safe period" the answer should always be "No. There is no safe period."

Frauhubert · 20/07/2021 10:25

What if you do get pregnant, he accepts it, welcomes the baby, and then what? Will you still not be using contraception when you have 2 kids? Will you forever be chancing it? What if you get pregnant with a 3rd? What’s the long term solution?

thinkningaboutit · 20/07/2021 10:26

I'm shocked anyone thinks you're stubborn or unreasonable for not wanting hormones or items placed inside your body. You've taken the burden of using contraception in the past, had a bad experience and now longer wish to.

You are absolutely right to leave this to your husband now. You do not need to counsel him every time you have sex. He's not a child. As a father I'm sure he understands how it all works.

TheAntelope · 20/07/2021 10:26

[quote LucindaT73]@GreatBigArse You can find negatives about any kind of contraception you want. You're on a mission to do so here.

ie the reports of women with the coil.

I've had a copper coil too.

You sound very unwilling to take responsibility for your body and fertility to the point where any form of contraception is out.

Instead you leave your DH with one option (and I'm excluding the snip as it's permanent in most cases.)[/quote]
Because there is typically ALWAYS side effects with women's forms of contraception.

Tell me one side effect of a condom other than not feeling as good. I'll wait.

That's pretty much the definition of unreasonable - literally not based on reason and logic. It's purely reactionary

Eh? Basing a decision on what other people who have already made that decision have experienced is entirely reasonable and logical. Especially when it's medical and can effect your body. If I wanted to get a boob job and I'd heard from multiple women that they had had complications afterwards, some severe and rare and others more common, it would be entirely reasonable for me to base my decision to proceed or not on that information.

It is literally not up to anyone else to tell someone they are unreasonable to not put something into their own body for whatever bloody reason they want.

CrystalBollocks · 20/07/2021 10:27

OP, in haste: YANBU a thousand million times over.

thinkningaboutit · 20/07/2021 10:27

As for second, thirds, fourth babies, the long term solution is as you've stated, abstinence, condoms, the snip. Easy.

Puditt · 20/07/2021 10:28

Can I also add op try and imagine if this situation was reverse. And you didnt want a baby and told your partner this but he didnt really pay any mind to this because he was flexible either way. He then ended up getting you pregnant because both of you prefer not to take contraception for your own reasons. It would end up horrific for you and you would of felt forced into the situation by him. If you ended up pregnant when you didnt want to be you would be so angry at him and people would think its appalling for the man to do that. Just another perspective on things to dwell on

But as I said please dont be one of those naive people that assume it will all work out in the end. Take his no to another baby seriously and get something sorted. It's a baby not a puppy

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 20/07/2021 10:28

@TheAntelope

Trying to guilt and pressure women into putting things INSIDE their bodies when they don't want to is fucking disgusting. And no it is in no way comparable to a bloody condom or sex not quite feeling as good.

Just when I think we may have moved forward in the world I hear or read some women like this and realise how far we still have to go. Absolutely gross.

This!!!!

Why the fuck are women on here having a go at OP for making a choice about her body???!!!!!

But apparently it’s absolutely fine for her DH to refuse condom use.

Some women fucking infuriate me with their attitude at times.

The OP can make whatever decision she bloody well likes.

The end.

LucindaT73 · 20/07/2021 10:28

The point is, if he's made it clear that he doesn't want another child and neither of you want to use any form of contraception , then the answer is to be celibate.

You are going to become pregnant by default, (not using contraception) which may result in his leaving the marriage.

Just because he dotes on your child now doesn't mean this would be so with baby No.2

I think you are both being silly.

If this is the level of your behaviour towards each other, your marriage sounds doomed anyway and not the best place to bring another child into it.

I suspect there is more to the problems between you than just not agreeing on this.