To refuse to take contraception

[GreatBigArse]

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

You are both not using contraception

He asks you is it safe

No, no, no

He will blame you

@PrincessNutella

I do think it is hilarious that his lordship doesn't want another child so the scolds are out telling the OP all the ways she can prevent him from fathering one--except by taking responsibility for his decision.

Exactly this. Unbelievable. Apparently we are in 2021 going on 1950. Honestly you have to laugh otherwise it would be so infuriating and soul destroying.

@PrincessNutella

I do think it is hilarious that his lordship doesn't want another child so the scolds are out telling the OP all the ways she can prevent him from fathering one--except by taking responsibility for his decision.

So do I!

Some are also missing part of the point of the thread and suggesting that OP gets herself sterilised when she has been quite clear that she is amenable to having another child. Would quite like it even.

Are people's comprehension skills so poor that they cannot see why someone who would quite like another baby would not see this as an option?

@TheAntelope

"Don't assume he's "agreed" to anything

I'm not really sure what other assumption you can make if you've said 'hey DH I'm not taking any contraception and if I get pregnant I'm not having an abortion' and he says okay and continues to have sex with you.

Unless he's a complete idiot that is obviously agreement to take the risk.

And how many men walk away from just that situation?

YANBU, after years of the Pill I’m done with hormonal contraception; I don’t want any of the other methods or a coil either, so we just use condoms.

Your body your choice.

When we’ve completed our family DH will have the snip.

I think this is such a challenge being women- some of my friends are in the same position as you.

I had a baby in 2019 - she is just approaching two.

My husband wanted two children, so we decided in January to try for another - anyway, I am now pregnant with twins who are due in 10 weeks.

He was adamant he only wanted two, (I would have liked 3) unfortunately it didn't work that way for him, but I have been lucky.

We had a chat recently and I have explained that as I have been on the pill since I was 16, (came off just before our wedding in 2019) I will not be going back on it. Husband is adamant he doesn't want another child, so once the twins have arrived and possibly get to a year old, he will be booking himself in for a vasectomy.

This is for his reasons, as I laid out to him the risks and he made that decision.

I hope you can come to a common place! X

My sister (to whom I'm very close) had something like this many years ago, when it was maybe less common for contraception to be discussed in such an everyday way...anyway. She was on the pill for 6 years and came off it to conceive. She'd had to change to a 'lighter' prescription because she had some issues with breast lumps and the GP thought she'd been on the original pill for long enough. She conceived within 6 months. There were some health scares about the baby during the pregnancy, but fortunately everything turned out OK. She wanted to trust exclusive breast feeding for contraception (I know!) and this worked for about a year, when her periods came back. her husband was very reluctant to use condoms and would only use them when she was at her fertile time. He also wouldn't go and buy them or visit the GP for them, so she had to treck to the FP clinic every few weeks, which she said was humiliating and also a waste of her time. She got pregnant again and had her second child and her husband promised that he would have a vasectomy. She was looking forward to being freed from having o take hormonal contraception or visit the FP clinic (now with 2 kids in tow). But he never got round to it. She was worried about having another child for financial reasons, she was also getting older and was concerned about birth defects (re first pregnancy) and also knew that IF she had another child and there was a problem, she'd end up dealing with most of the fall-out and having to 'comfort' him about things not having worked out. She broached the conversation when her periods returned and said that he needed to take some responsibility and that she didn'rt want to have sex with him without contraception ( as a way of pushing him towards the vasectomy which he'd promised) He was angry with her and threatned to 'find someone else' if she wouldn't have sex. I told her she should have said, 'You're welcome to do that but if the other woman also won't use contraception then you'll be paying for another child ..and also all the emotional fall-out.' But she didn't do this. She agreed to have a diaphragm because he said it would only be temporary while he organised a vasectomy. But he didn't organise it and she was really distressed to find she was pregnant again. She said to me that she couldn't see any way out of the situation if she wanted to stay in the relationship other than getting pregnant again and again until she hit the menopause. I persuaded her to see her GP and her husband said is she organised a vasectomy for him, then he'd do it. She did all this but she was upset that the GP thought she was being foolish. She felt manipulated by everyone. In the end he failed to go forhis appointment so she asked the GP for a sterilsation which was done a few months later. It slved some of the problems although my sister felt she'd been treated badly. What really gobsmacked me was hearing him say many years later, that he was just 'so fertile' that she got pregnant easily, as if it was to his credit, but also that they'd sorted it out and she'd been sterilised. It sounded to me as if he thought that her getting pregnant again was due to a failing of hers and she needed the punishment of a stay in hospital. I just wished sh'd been more assertive about the whhole thing, but she was very isolated and the only person she ever talked to about it was me. I liveda long way from her and wasn't really part of her life. It was easier for me to suggest the tougher approach than it was for her to pursue it. I just wish she'd been able to get more support and get him to see he was being irresponsible, but that didn't happen. I haven't explained this very well and maybe there are some inconsistencies, but I'm relating it all second hand.

YANBU
If he's that sure he doesn't want anymore children than he needs to put something on the end of it!
You have already given him a child, tried different contraception that haven't worked... so why should you be subjected to pumping your body full of hormones so he can ( hit it raw )
What does he thinks going to happen if he refuses condoms or the snip? That he'll win a widescreen TV?
I think it's the least he can do, especially when you consider the fact that condoms are free but the morning after pill costs a small fortune.

100% your choice not to take contraception, I came off it years it ago and we just avoid my ovulating days (or use the pull out method if we do).

I think it is your Husband who does not another child and so it is his responsibility to find a way of 'not getting pregnant' that works, however I do think you should figure out your cycle (if it is regular of course) and make sure he has the information available to him to make an informed decision.

I would be testing this and saying to DH that my period is late, maybe make him think about all this by giving him a fright and seeing how he reacts........

YANBU you have been completely honest with your husband about not been on contraception. If he doesnt want another child you have now left him to take responsibility and prevent this from happening. You haven't been dishonest or tried to trap him with a baby like soo many women do. If it was me though i would push the conversation again about not been on contraception and if he doesn't want another baby to do something about it. I think a baby added to the sitaution that he doesn't want will only lead to an unhappy child, parent relationship and resentment in the long run.