Please give it to me straight - am I a bad parent?

[NCJuly2021]

Posting on AIBU for traffic and also because there is a question of whether I’m reasonable or not.

I’m a FTM, to a nearly 4 month old. I do the majority of childcare. I exclusively breastfeed so since birth I have done all night feeds and wake ups. DS wakes between 3 and 5 times every night (plan to sleep train when he’s a little older). When DS was a newborn, DH helped for a couple of weeks with the night time nappy changes but then we slept in a different room because I realised I needed the TV on to get me through the night feeds (ie to stop me falling asleep whilst DS is on the breast). After a couple of weeks we came back to the bedroom and since then it’s just me who does all the night work.

It’s also just me who looks after baby Mondays to Fridays. DH will watch for 10 minutes every now and then in the mornings so I can shower, but that’s maybe once every couple of weeks. He also will watch him for 10 minutes in the evening so I can eat my dinner and then DS is back to me. DH has a very demanding job and he’s wfh but works very long hours.

On weekends, DH is very hands on with DS. I lie in on both days (DH is a natural early riser), he takes DS for walks so I can have some me time and we share looking after DS.

Re housework, we have a cleaner for cleaning, I do 80% of the laundry, and cooking is generally 60 / 40 to me.

When DS was small, he would usually go down for the night at 1am. We’ve now brought that forward to around 9.30 to 10pm and that’s where I’m happy with. Means we don’t wake up too early the next day, and DS isn’t alone for too long in the bedroom before I come to bed.

DH, however, is of the opinion that DS should be going to bed at 7-8pm, simply because that’s what babies do. My issue with that is purely selfish - I don’t want to wake up at 6am in the mornings and I don’t want to go to bed at 9pm either.

The issue is there have been 3 times I’ve been out late with DS and I end up like feeling the worst parent ever.

Once, I was at a friend’s house and left at 10.30pm.

The second I was at my parent’s house and left late, which meant I travelled on the train at 9pm.

The third was tonight, when I met a friend for dinner at 7pm and got home at 10pm.

Apart from those 3 times, I’m home with DS late evenings and the other very few times I have met friends, they come round to our home or we’ve met for lunch in the day.

So each time, DH has complained about DS being out late and I feel like an absolutely terrible parent. Honestly, I feel like shit. I need that time with friends to feel like myself but after DH comments about the time, I end up feeling like I’m neglecting my child. The way I see it, DS is still small and will fall sleep anywhere, but when he’s a few months older, he will need more of a routine and rigidity in his bed time but for now, it’s not the end of the world if his bedtime is 9.30 or he’s out and not in bed until 10.30pm.

Is that a normal way of approaching things or am I actually just a really bad and selfish parent? What is normal for a 4 month old?

Thank you for reading if you got this far.

If it’s working for you abs the baby then crack on but it would be a disaster for some. My second had to be in a darkened room by 7 from about 6 weeks or she’d scream for 3 hours and it would be miserable for everyone. Once you have slightly older babies/toddlers a bit of time in the evening is a godsend. I spend all day with them, I don’t see what is wrong about looking forward to a few hours peace to watch adult tv, sort the house out etc.

Every parent and baby is different but I do agree with your husband. My daughter is nearly 6 months old and has been in a bedtime routine of bath, milk and bed since she was 6 weeks old. She's slept through the night since 8 weeks old. We've not been fussed on a daytime routine as she'll establish that when she starts nursery next month.

Like I say, all babies are different and you need to do what's best for you. There is no right or wrong answer but people giving their experiences and what they've done can help you too

I’d also say if you’re going to be using nursery (and assuming a typical 9-5) you’ll naturally fall into a different routine because you’ll be up for work and need baby out the door ready to have breakfast at nursery. When you have a set wake-up time, bedtime has to follow or you’ll get a sleep deprived child.

@CallMeRisley makes an excellent point. My first baby wouldn't just 'be put down' either. He wasn't particularly fussed about being held he wanted to be entertained at all times because he hated being a newborn and was much happier once he could sit up and reach for things himself. My second was a dream in comparison and yes, could easily be put down while I did all manner of things but not all babies are alike.

OP just a thought and apologies if this has been mentioned because I'm still catching up but your DH hasn't been reading Gina Ford has he? Because she is a very firm advocate of strict bedtimes and routine etc and I wonder if that's where he's getting it from. Can't say too much on here about my opinion of her methods but....well. The NHS and pretty much all current research based thinking on child development suggests that a child led, responsive approach is the way to go. Maybe a chat with your health visitor might be helpful if he's in search of an 'expert'

You are the primary caregiver, sole food nourisher and you do 80% of the laundry...until your DS is weaned, you get to be the sole decider on your DS's sleep habits because they directly impact your sleep habits and your health.

Frankly, keeping a baby out late to see a friend is something I would do to keep myself sane, and somehow I have two very healthy, well adjusted teen DD who sleep just fine. You sound like a wonderful mum.

If it's working for you, surely that's the only thing that matters.

Depends on the child. Some need routine.

Ds1 within days of being born, put himself into a strict routine that her who can't be named on this site GF would have clapped with glee. Every 4 hours, bf'ing, 6,10,2,6,10,2. You could set your clock by him. I was shocked.

Then came Ds2. Cried and screamed all night. Bought me to my knees.

We're the same. DD is 18 months and has always been a night owl. She's more settled in a routine now than when she was really small. On a day with no naps she'll be in bed by 9 but on a day with a nap it's often 10:30 before she's in bed.

I do sometimes feel envious of my friends whose babies go to bed at a more normal time of 7pm or whatever but then I realise their baby is up at 5 or 6am and I'm suddenly ok with my pretty much guaranteed 8am earliest start time.

@HmmmmmmInteresting

At 4 months old the sheer joy of them is that they sleep anywhere

This is what I came on to say!

Do they?

Tell that to my 4 month old please, who will only sleep in my arms and refuses to be put down anywhere 😭

Just saw your question on parenting strategies - this is super tough and I struggle with this. As mum - I think I know best but my partner also has valid opinions too.

If it isn't broke - no need to change in my view but if it is broken ...

For example - my son still took 2 bottles of milk at night at 18 months. I thought it was cruel to remove something he loved. Partner read up on gentle night weaning - we tried it and my son started sleeping through the night.

Often my partner who isn't as emotional invested (he loves his son but is much more logical and isn't as sleep deprived ) can see ways to help better. Also he always helped put a strategy in place as well.

So you have to talk and agree on joint approaches. And you never put each other down in front of the children. United force even if you don't quite agree - you can discuss later

@aivilo

Yes!

Your arms can go anywhere. Once they go down to sleep more, they often become more fussy about where, and the environment though you can reduce the impact of this by getting them very used to sleeping in prams

The sleeping in arms/in sling stage is an opportunity you won't get again.