Please give it to me straight - am I a bad parent?

[NCJuly2021]

Posting on AIBU for traffic and also because there is a question of whether I’m reasonable or not.

I’m a FTM, to a nearly 4 month old. I do the majority of childcare. I exclusively breastfeed so since birth I have done all night feeds and wake ups. DS wakes between 3 and 5 times every night (plan to sleep train when he’s a little older). When DS was a newborn, DH helped for a couple of weeks with the night time nappy changes but then we slept in a different room because I realised I needed the TV on to get me through the night feeds (ie to stop me falling asleep whilst DS is on the breast). After a couple of weeks we came back to the bedroom and since then it’s just me who does all the night work.

It’s also just me who looks after baby Mondays to Fridays. DH will watch for 10 minutes every now and then in the mornings so I can shower, but that’s maybe once every couple of weeks. He also will watch him for 10 minutes in the evening so I can eat my dinner and then DS is back to me. DH has a very demanding job and he’s wfh but works very long hours.

On weekends, DH is very hands on with DS. I lie in on both days (DH is a natural early riser), he takes DS for walks so I can have some me time and we share looking after DS.

Re housework, we have a cleaner for cleaning, I do 80% of the laundry, and cooking is generally 60 / 40 to me.

When DS was small, he would usually go down for the night at 1am. We’ve now brought that forward to around 9.30 to 10pm and that’s where I’m happy with. Means we don’t wake up too early the next day, and DS isn’t alone for too long in the bedroom before I come to bed.

DH, however, is of the opinion that DS should be going to bed at 7-8pm, simply because that’s what babies do. My issue with that is purely selfish - I don’t want to wake up at 6am in the mornings and I don’t want to go to bed at 9pm either.

The issue is there have been 3 times I’ve been out late with DS and I end up like feeling the worst parent ever.

Once, I was at a friend’s house and left at 10.30pm.

The second I was at my parent’s house and left late, which meant I travelled on the train at 9pm.

The third was tonight, when I met a friend for dinner at 7pm and got home at 10pm.

Apart from those 3 times, I’m home with DS late evenings and the other very few times I have met friends, they come round to our home or we’ve met for lunch in the day.

So each time, DH has complained about DS being out late and I feel like an absolutely terrible parent. Honestly, I feel like shit. I need that time with friends to feel like myself but after DH comments about the time, I end up feeling like I’m neglecting my child. The way I see it, DS is still small and will fall sleep anywhere, but when he’s a few months older, he will need more of a routine and rigidity in his bed time but for now, it’s not the end of the world if his bedtime is 9.30 or he’s out and not in bed until 10.30pm.

Is that a normal way of approaching things or am I actually just a really bad and selfish parent? What is normal for a 4 month old?

Thank you for reading if you got this far.

My daughter used to do the 10-6 night shift she would sleep a solid 10-6 nightly but be awake and feeding other times she went to bed earlier closer to 12 months it just naturally extended so I bought it forward

He hasn’t got a clue, but maybe he read a baby book, bless him.

I think with a 4 month old you need to do whatever works for you and your baby so you don’t go completely batty. You will find a rhythm that works for you and takes care of your baby whilst retaining your sanity. Your DH needs to butt out while you work out how to coexist with having some quality of life and being a new mum. Judgy lecturing is unhelpful and unnecessary and no matter how great he is being at the weekend if you are doing all night feeds he has absolutely no comprehension of the 24 hour day you are living and therefore should STFU.

Who says a four month old has to go to bed at 7::00? That is bizarre. That is a solution in search of a problem. Tell your husband to stop giving you a guilt trip. Your child knows nothing of your husband's babyish tantrum over nothing. You're the one doing the feedings, do what works for you.

When I had my first, I was surprised at the negative attitude toward me not scrambling home for naps by 10am, 2pm.... bed at 7pm.... They're small and portable. DS slept in the pram, wherever we were. He'll sleep anywhere now & ambient noises don't bother him.

You find ways of doing things that work for you & your family, not necessarily the 'perfect' way you're supposed to - the advice changes regularly & it'll do your head in trying to follow it. As long as it's safe, it's no problem.

Nope

This is perfect! My friend was like you. Her child is now older at 8. She sleeps anywhere. As in can fall asleep anywhere. She sleeps all night long and goes to bed lovely.

I believe it was because my friend was so relaxed about bedtimes!

You are absolutely NBU! I have three kids and when they were that little occasionally as in once a fortnight or so they would be out to 11 maybe even later. I would have had PJs and food with me if it was antipicated. I would have fed/ washed if possible and put baby/babies in pjs before journey home then it would be straight into bed if asleep , quick drink if awake and into bed. Kids were happy. I was happy to have some company and they always slept like logs. It never mixed up any bed time rountine going forward. My kids were all pretty good sleepers from very early on thankfully. Kids are flexible. Not everything has be set in stone. As long as they have the closeness of their parents are wel fed and looked after they'll be no worse off. You need company and a life outside your four walls too . You most definitely are not a bad aren't. Sto beating yourself up and enjoy this wonderful freedom from k etc with your baby xx

For flips sake - I really should proofread!

PYou most definitely are not a bad parent. Stop beating yourself up and enjoy this wonderful freedom from work etc with your baby xx

You are categorically not being unreasonable - end of.

The sky is not going to fall on anyone’s head if your baby falls asleep while you’re out, on the odd occasion.

Why is your DH being so awkward about this?

@Swifey40

I think it's quite bizarre. Do you still do a nighttime routine with ds when you get home at 10pm? Bath, quiet time/story, then bottle/breast feed? Also, how does the poor child know when he is meant to be going to sleep of hes been over stimulated whilst being out, and then to bed really late? Children need routine and to sleep and eat at regular times, their development depends on this.

This is ridiculous. One of my pet hates is seeing children out late but this child is 4 months old! I’d say around 6-7 months is perfect time to start.

You are nearing the end of the portability when a routine will become more normal. Enjoy it while you can!!!

The "7-8pm bedtime" is not universal. I live in another country where it is normal to take young kids out to eat then - you see them out as late as 9, 10pm. As long as they have a generally stable routine with you, a later bedtime makes no difference, and occasionally deviating from it is fine. 4 months is fine, they sleep anywhere.

@2bazookas

Nobody needs to "watch" baby so you can take a shower or eat your meal. Put him in his cot, or on a blanket/playmat on the floor, and let him kick and entertain himself. Babies do not need 24/7 stimulation, they thrive best when they learn to be comfortable and relaxed in their own company for a little while. Once they can do that , settling him down to sleep at night will be so much easier.

I hate when I see people saying this to first time mums- “just put them down”. You obviously haven’t had the type of baby that just won’t be put down. My first DD was like this, honestly the second I put her down she would absolutely scream. She was permanently attached to me in either arms or sling for around a year. If I’d read your post then (and I did read many similar opinions) I would’ve thought “what am I doing wrong”. I didn’t understand how people said to “just put them down”. That DD is now 7yo and I also now have a 5 month old baby who is completely different. I can lie her on the play mat while I make and eat food, I can lie her on a mat in the bathroom while I shower, I can even lie her down in the pram and go for a walk (DD1 even screamed at this and so it was slings all the way)! The novelty will honestly never wear off at just being able to “just put her down”! But luckily I realise how I wasn’t doing anything WRONG with DD1, it was just the type of baby she was. When I see comments like the one above I think that poster has only ever had a baby like DD2. I am not exaggerating at all when I say there was no way I could just put DD1 down and have a shower etc, and relied on others holding her for me.

If you're a bad parent then I am too. I used to take ds out to dinner with me or to friends houses. He's fall asleep naturally in the course of the evening and sleep in his carry cot or in a sling. That's a completely normal part of family life.
It didn't do him any harm, he's a normal secure healthy 13yo now.

@Swifey40

I think it's quite bizarre. Do you still do a nighttime routine with ds when you get home at 10pm? Bath, quiet time/story, then bottle/breast feed? Also, how does the poor child know when he is meant to be going to sleep of hes been over stimulated whilst being out, and then to bed really late? Children need routine and to sleep and eat at regular times, their development depends on this.

At 4 months? Behave.

I don’t think all babies sleep everywhere. Mine certainly didn’t. I watched a newborn fall asleep on a mat at a baby class today - mine wouldn’t have done that.

I think that the issue here is that your wishes are largely superseding that of the baby, which is why I’m not really sure which way to vote. On the one hand babies have to fit in with our routine but I do think it’s unkind to keep a tired baby up so that he doesn’t wake at 6am. To be honest, you will probably find he wakes early in the future regardless of what time he goes to bed.

I personally find that rather than a set bedtime or set nap times it’s more helpful to go off wake windows, which I think are around two hours at your age. So if he wakes from his last nap at 5, he should be going down around 7. It’s harder in the summer, though.

Oh my god you are SO not being unreasonable!! Your DH clearly doesn't know much about newborns, which is fair enough as it's your first I presume. Suggest he read up on newborn behaviour. They have no routine, everything changes all of the time. GOOD FOR YOU to go out and meet friends, you absolutely need it! Your baby won't be so portable and easy going all of the time so make the most of it 👍🏼. Also you can't really make a baby sleep at any time. They'll sleep when they're ready, as frustrating as that might be...

Yanbu at all. The beauty of a 4 month old baby is that they’re tiny and can sleep anywhere. And at that age, all he really needs and wants is you - more than a bedtime routine, more than a cot. He just wants you.

You sound like a lovely, invested, caring parent. Your husband’s ideas on this are daft. Carry on doing what works for you.

As long baby is getting enough sleep overall you’re fine.

@Swifey40

I think it's quite bizarre. Do you still do a nighttime routine with ds when you get home at 10pm? Bath, quiet time/story, then bottle/breast feed? Also, how does the poor child know when he is meant to be going to sleep of hes been over stimulated whilst being out, and then to bed really late? Children need routine and to sleep and eat at regular times, their development depends on this.

A 4m old? They absolutely don't need a daily bath, and a story is a nice-to-do at this age. They shouldn't be napping or sleeping in a different room to parents til 6m anyway so I don't even begin to worry about any sort of bedtime routine til then. People have commented over and over on how chilled my babies are - they are/were breastfed on demand, nap when they need to nap and go to bed when I do around 10. The problem I've found when people have very strict schedules is it only works if they're the only one with a baby or if they just want to stay at home. If you have friends with small children, you have to be willing to be flexible about routine otherwise you'd never see each other. I don't know how you stop babies falling asleep in the car for example if you need to be out at a certain time, I'm not about to start worrying that's messed up their naps for the day.

Give yourself a break OP

When your DH can feed your baby he can have a say in bed time.

You are exclusively breast feeding, that is so important, not everyone can do it but you can and are carrying on.

If you had a 4 year old out at 10.30 your DH might have a point but at the moment your child is not sleeping through the night so there is no such thing as a 'late night'.

You need the socialisation to be happy.

A happy breastfeeding mum is the best thing for any baby.

If your DH has an issue with you taking your baby out in the evenings, then tell him that he can take over the nighttime routine. He can look after his child while you go out. You keep referring to him "watching" your baby as if he is doing you a favour. He is also a parent, and he needs to start acting like one. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, just because you are a mum, you are still also an adult woman with your own needs.

Go easy on yourself. My reading is that you’ve been out three times in 4 months?

As for bedtime- I wasted the first six months killing my self trying to get ds into a routine as a baby. Wish I’d just enjoyed him. He would refuse to sleep at 7pm (he would consistently nap then wake up until 10!) - all because I read a certain book.

OP, as someone who ended up with PND because I tried to follow books with my first born and got increasingly stressed out about his sleep and basically everything (thorough the pandemic definitely didn’t help): do what works for you and your baby and keeps you sane. Seriously.

You're not a bad parent at all.

Personally I wanted to get DS in a bedtime routine from a young age so he'd be used to it when he started nursery and school. Obviously they still wake through the night but I did bath/pyjamas/in cot for about 8pm.

I am an early bird though (obviously) so I go to bed early and wake up early myself. I'd rather do it that way.

Doesn't mean that your way is wrong. Everyone parents differently. To be honest you can be much more flexible with a baby than with a toddler so enjoy your socialising!