Please give it to me straight - am I a bad parent?

[NCJuly2021]

Posting on AIBU for traffic and also because there is a question of whether I’m reasonable or not.

I’m a FTM, to a nearly 4 month old. I do the majority of childcare. I exclusively breastfeed so since birth I have done all night feeds and wake ups. DS wakes between 3 and 5 times every night (plan to sleep train when he’s a little older). When DS was a newborn, DH helped for a couple of weeks with the night time nappy changes but then we slept in a different room because I realised I needed the TV on to get me through the night feeds (ie to stop me falling asleep whilst DS is on the breast). After a couple of weeks we came back to the bedroom and since then it’s just me who does all the night work.

It’s also just me who looks after baby Mondays to Fridays. DH will watch for 10 minutes every now and then in the mornings so I can shower, but that’s maybe once every couple of weeks. He also will watch him for 10 minutes in the evening so I can eat my dinner and then DS is back to me. DH has a very demanding job and he’s wfh but works very long hours.

On weekends, DH is very hands on with DS. I lie in on both days (DH is a natural early riser), he takes DS for walks so I can have some me time and we share looking after DS.

Re housework, we have a cleaner for cleaning, I do 80% of the laundry, and cooking is generally 60 / 40 to me.

When DS was small, he would usually go down for the night at 1am. We’ve now brought that forward to around 9.30 to 10pm and that’s where I’m happy with. Means we don’t wake up too early the next day, and DS isn’t alone for too long in the bedroom before I come to bed.

DH, however, is of the opinion that DS should be going to bed at 7-8pm, simply because that’s what babies do. My issue with that is purely selfish - I don’t want to wake up at 6am in the mornings and I don’t want to go to bed at 9pm either.

The issue is there have been 3 times I’ve been out late with DS and I end up like feeling the worst parent ever.

Once, I was at a friend’s house and left at 10.30pm.

The second I was at my parent’s house and left late, which meant I travelled on the train at 9pm.

The third was tonight, when I met a friend for dinner at 7pm and got home at 10pm.

Apart from those 3 times, I’m home with DS late evenings and the other very few times I have met friends, they come round to our home or we’ve met for lunch in the day.

So each time, DH has complained about DS being out late and I feel like an absolutely terrible parent. Honestly, I feel like shit. I need that time with friends to feel like myself but after DH comments about the time, I end up feeling like I’m neglecting my child. The way I see it, DS is still small and will fall sleep anywhere, but when he’s a few months older, he will need more of a routine and rigidity in his bed time but for now, it’s not the end of the world if his bedtime is 9.30 or he’s out and not in bed until 10.30pm.

Is that a normal way of approaching things or am I actually just a really bad and selfish parent? What is normal for a 4 month old?

Thank you for reading if you got this far.

Completely normal for a baby. He really won't need a set routine for a long while yet. I don't see the problem with using a train either.

@2bazookas

Nobody needs to "watch" baby so you can take a shower or eat your meal. Put him in his cot, or on a blanket/playmat on the floor, and let him kick and entertain himself. Babies do not need 24/7 stimulation, they thrive best when they learn to be comfortable and relaxed in their own company for a little while. Once they can do that , settling him down to sleep at night will be so much easier.

I do do that - put him down. When he’s in the right mood he can happy entertain himself for a good 15 minutes or so. When he’s not in the right mood, he will scream bloody murder the second you put him down.

I’m not exaggerating with that - it’s not the wailing moany cry I can ignore for a couple of minutes when I’m doing something. He gets incredibly distraught if you put him down when he doesn’t want to be put down, or if he’s been left alone in his bouncer, play mat, etc for more than a couple of minutes.

If baby's sleep pattern is working for YOU at the moment then you are doing everything right!!!!!

If it was a nightmare as some PP have mentions with bad sleepers etc then, yes maybe you could try a stricter routine / bedtime but you're lucky (like me) and DS doesn't seem to need that yet - and so don't change what's not broken!!!

Enjoy your evenings whilst you can as they do generally start needing some kind of routine later but you will know when that is as DS will tell you - not DH!

Yanbu. In my opinion/experience Babies don't "need" a routine at that age. Parents might need them to have one but that's not the same. Mine were fed on demand and napped when they were tired.
Doesn't seem to have done them any harm. They are now teens who eat constantly and only leave their rooms for food. (Slight exaggeration.)

If it works for you then it's fine imo.

If your baby is going to sleep for 10 hours I don’t see why it matters if it’s 8pm-6am or 11pm-9am? The latter would suit me better because I have absolutely no intention of getting up at 6am. Tell DH if he wants the baby to sleep 8-6 then he can be the one who gets up at 6 to look after him.

Babies that age are portable. I took mine to pubs and restaurants a lot in the evening at that age. I remember getting back at 2am once (though that was a one-off!).

Tell your DH to butt out. If he's busy with work during the week so it's all on you, then arrange your life to suit you. The baby just comes along for the ride at this stage. It's mostly only later that they turn into cot tyrants and you're tied to the house by naptimes.

Also, you can only do this with your first baby... you will never get this chance again .

"Children need routine and to sleep and eat at regular times, their development depends on this."

Total nonsense! My now perfectly well-adjusted teens and preteens had NO routine at 4 months old, they just fed whenever they were hungry (about 18 hours a day, it felt like some days). They fall into their own routine when they are ready. At four months they are portable and adaptable, you'd be mad to tie yourself to a rigid routine which makes your life harder just because it's somehow the 'done thing'. Babies haven't read the manual and don't give a damn as long as they are warm, clean, fed and cuddled.

@StepAwayFromGoogling

Eh? A four month old really shouldn't be 'going down for the night' at 10pm. Is he sleeping in the car seat when he's out with you? Or wide awake? I genuinely believe babies need some sort of routine and the right type of environment to sleep in but then mine were a nightmare without that.

Mine sleeps anywhere and is completely unbothered by noise or light (which is a complete surprise because I need silence and a dark room to even contemplate sleep!).

He’s 6 months and I have no intention of putting him to bed at 7 for the foreseeable future, I’d much rather keep him with me whilst he’s happy with that. All babies are different and I doubt the OP would be putting him down late or keeping her baby out if he was unsettled by it.

I did exactly this when mine were young. And (although one needed sleep training) they got into a routine fine when they were a couple of months older. Do it while you can, when they are having a few naps a day is ideal because they are never too far from sleep if they are a bit tired.
I think he is being harsh to be honest, it's you that does the bf and giving up your sleep which is a big sacrifice so you need to work your babys routine around you to maximise your rest. Babies sleep at 7ish in the UK but lots of other countries they have a longer nap in the day when it's hot and are up later, because it suits the parents. Even where it's not hot its usual to see parents out with their young kids for meals in the evening.

When you go on holiday it only takes a few hours to get your body used to a new time zone. Your baby will have to go to bed early when you go back to work and presumably that's ages away so why worry about it now.

I wonder if he wants his evenings with you back, which is fair enough but a different argument. There is no time that babys 'should' go to bed

I have a friend who refers to small babies as cute luggage. Absolutely do take him out whilst he’s small enough that you can! I did with both of mine. My eldest was in a sleepyhead next to us whilst we played board games. She has a great nighttime routine now she’s older

My first baby had a lot of late nights. We went with the flow and she slept when she wanted to. Honestly it was the most lovely time being a parent, I really enjoyed the relaxed no routine approach. By the time my 2nd came along, my first was older and had a bedtime and we had more of a routine and it was rigid and boring. I loved late night summer strolls with my first DC in the sling. I often see my Italian neighbours walking out late with their toddler in warm weather and wonder why we’re so rigid in the U.K. about baby bedtimes.

How many babies has your hubby raised? Is he Mrs. Doubtfire? Seriously,he needs to get a grip and shut up.

Your husband is a dick. And it’s quite controlling what he’s saying. Do watch for that...

God no just enjoy it! He's 4 months old he's barely aware of where his feet are right now, he certainly hasn't got the cognitive skills to recognise a timetable! Enjoy the fact that he's portable, needs a boob and a fresh nappy and enjoy being able to get out and about! Certainly not a bad mum at all. I work with a lot of new mums and the big message we try and get across is NOT to worry about strict routines at this age-feed on demand, parent responsively to your babies needs and generally go with what works for you and your kid.
As others have said, if you had a baby who was super over stimulated by everything and really struggling with sleep then yes, you probably would need to spend more nights in ensuring he was able to go down (one poor mum I worked with had to get her baby to sleep in a corridor because even the pictures in the lounge were too much of a distraction ). But you have a chilled baby so hurrah for you, you got lucky abd enjoy it while it lasts!

As an aside, my two are now 5 and 7. If they don't have school in the morning I have no qualms about staying out late at a friends house if they're enjoying themselves then getting them in pyjamas for the ride home. One of my favourite childhood memories is being asleep in the car then waking up as I was lifted out and straight into bed and being all cozy and straight back to sleep. It just felt really safe and lovely. Kids can cope with a lot, just make sure they're getting the hours they need for when they have to actually be awake for something in the morning. Until then....crack on! I'm a single mum though so quite used to doing things entirely my way. If your DH is so wedded to the idea of a 7pm bedtime I suggest he tries it. By himself. And report back here for the laugh

Absolutely make the most of the portable stage while you can!!! Yanbu

@NCJuly2021

Thank you for the comments so far.

Re feeding, DS has no routine. I feed on demand and he’s very unpredictable, always has been. His feeds are very short and regular, so he can easily go for 2.5 hours with no feed, but then the next day want a feed twice one hour. I don’t express yet, but I plan to start soon.

As long as your baby has a schedule and is getting enough sleep, enjoy being able to go out and about with them in a sling. Once they are mobile you wont be nearly as free. or when you have 2nd. Its not like you are taking him to loud restaurants. my babies were always in bed by 6/630 and i never went out in the evening to visit friends but mine were all childless. I am certain if I had taken them out a few times they would not have suffered in the slightest! In fact at 6 months we took the FB on a road trip/train trip all over BC, visiting family. He is now a fully functioning adult....fancy that! If you are going out to quiet places occasionally enjoy it while you can. You will be making enough sacrifices over the years. and he will be eating solids in a blink of an eye - so that's my advice, keep them safe and loved, enough food and sleep and just enjoy this time.

@Ohshitiveturnedintomymother

Oh god make the most of having a tiny, portable baby who doesn’t need concrete naps/bedtimes! I miss those days with my toddler and feel I’m not taking advantage of them as much with my second as I can’t as easily go out. DC1 went everywhere and slept in the pram/car seat/arms then was put to bed when we got in. Now they have to have bedtime at 7.30 or they turn into a monster!

This!! Make the most of it.

If DH wants an opinion, then he can take over the evenings while you have a glass of wine and chill out in front of the tv with your feet up. Otherwise, he can accept that if you’re doing it all, you do what works for you. (*Sounds entirely normal, btw. Keep going and tell him to jam it.)

I put my 4 month old to bed just after midnight every night. Why? Because my attempts to put her on a more traditional schedule made her and me absolutely miserable. She just could not go to sleep. The hours or 10-12 were her most alert and awake. She also would have a big poop every night at just about midnight. After a diaper change and a belly full of milk she would happily go to bed and sleep until mid morning. Yes it was strange, but it was what she needed.

Eventually she outgrew that little quirk and I was able to get her on an earlier bedtime which was good because then we could get up early enough for activities targeted to her age group.

If your baby just sleeps or is happy enough sitting with you then there is no issue. It doesn't matter what time you are out until.

Well done for having the confidence and energy to get out and about with your baby. It will do you the world of good.

Your DH is being ridiculous. I work ridiculous hours, high stress job, weeks away at a time. I certainly don’t criticise how DH raises our two children - a routine that works for him is a routine that works.

Equally, I’m not Mrs Doubtfire and I am capable of taking a baby while I work, I set up a crib in my office and have taken the pushchair to meetings everywhere from palaces to detention facilities. Sounds like he needs to learn to be a father, because he’s slacking. You’re doing a great job

Tell him to sod off or step up and help.
Some babies go to sleep at 7 some go at 10.
My son set his own bed time it gradually got earlier and earlier. Make the most of this time when baby will sleep everywhere.
Safest place for baby to sleep for the first 6 months is in the same room as you.

When he's doing most of the care, he'll get a bigger vote. But he's not your manager and doesn't get to direct your work.

I'd start expressing soon and he can take the baby for the evening when you're out.