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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour asked about my screaming child

243 replies

Anya20 · 19/07/2021 09:54

So this morning, this lady comes over to say she thinks her cat is in my garden ( this is the third time she has been looking for her cat in the last 3 weeks) . Whilst I go to open the side door to let her into the garden, she says to me -
‘ I heard a child screaming about ten minutes ago’ so I said ‘ yeah that was my child’ and then she says ‘ he sounded very distressed!’ .

I was a bit shocked and asked her if she had children and she said yes.

My child was having a third meltdown of the morning because he was tired bc he stayed up late yesterday because we had family over. That screaming from ten minutes ago was because he wanted to remove the ‘ black dots ‘ from his porridge. So I ignored his screaming for a few minutes because I couldn’t see what dots he was talking about.

I am fuming - was she looking to see if I am a fit mother rather than for her cat?? He’s nearly 3 obv he has tantrums!!! Am I right to be mad?

OP posts:
Helenluvsrob · 19/07/2021 09:57

Stop fuming.

Take a step back and thank her for her concern but he’s out of sorts due to a late night and the heat.

The world needs more neighbours looking out for kids. You child is fine. Without asking she doesn’t know you’re not t the end of your tether with a partner that hits you and a kid who screams because life is awful.

Googlewasmyidea1 · 19/07/2021 09:58

She doesn't know your circumstances, she was showing concern so I'm not sure why you're fuming. We need more people like her

Goawayquickly · 19/07/2021 09:58

She did the right thing in looking out for your child.

Youdiditanyway · 19/07/2021 09:58

The black dots thing made me laugh. Examples of my 2 year old’s toddlers have included not having the right size spoon, not being able to pick up pasta with a spoon and not being allowed to pull at thistles. He sounded extremely distressed each time but ultimately got over it and seems unscathed Grin. Toddlers can be a nightmare and they’re totally irrational!

giletrouge · 19/07/2021 09:59

Well maybe she was worried. And it's your response that will reassure her, right? So something along the lines of - Aww I know, it's so hard for little ones at the moment in this heat, he was having a bit of a meltdown, I hope it didn't sound too awful! - would be what I hope I could have the presence of mind to respond with.
Put yourself in her place - she's concerned - what does she do? Ignore, report, or investigate a bit further. Investigate seems like reasonable middle ground to me.
Be thankful for neighbours that care. With regards to the cat, who knows?

Nanny0gg · 19/07/2021 10:00

So if there was a problem she should have ignored it?

claralara42 · 19/07/2021 10:01

am fuming - was she looking to see if I am a fit mother rather than for her cat?? He’s nearly 3 obv he has tantrums!!! Am I right to be mad?

No, you're not right. If your child screams loud enough and often enough that the neighbours are worried, stop fuming and start dealing with your kid. If he's had three tantrums by nine am because you kept him up late...maybe don't keep him up late?

Yondergoat · 19/07/2021 10:02

Think yourself lucky she came to speak to you rather than just reporting you to the authorities as our neighbours did.

Somuddled · 19/07/2021 10:05

You are being silly. She was being a decent human by check in. Child could have been seriously hurt or you could be really in need of help.

Seesawmummadaw · 19/07/2021 10:06

It’s nice that you have neighbours that care about the welfare of your child.

Seesawmummadaw · 19/07/2021 10:07

Two of mine were screamers btw. One asd, the other just tantrumed a lot.
In your shoes I would have just said sorry he’s grumpy today.

Viviennemary · 19/07/2021 10:08

I think people need to be aware of children in distress and to check if everything is ok.

purplecorkheart · 19/07/2021 10:08

I don't think she did anything wrong. She heard a child in distress and decided to investigate. She could have ignore (sadly many children are dead because people ignored). She could have reported to Social Services which would have been much more distressing for you. Instead she took the sensible approach and had a quiet word.

GettingUntrapped · 19/07/2021 10:08

The mummy police are ever present when you have young children.
Don't let her get to you.

GettingUntrapped · 19/07/2021 10:09

Or the replies on here either.

TheQueef · 19/07/2021 10:10

She's just asking.
Don't jump to give her ulterior motives she's quite possibly trying to make friends.
Flowers the heat mutates most toddlers don't be hard on yourself.

MissyB1 · 19/07/2021 10:11

You might be feeling offended and defensive but I think she did the right thing. It takes a village and all that.

iwilldoitsoon · 19/07/2021 10:13

I am fuming - was she looking to see if I am a fit mother rather than for her cat?? He’s nearly 3 obv he has tantrums!!! Am I right to be mad?

I don't think you are right to be mad. Child welfare is everybody's business. Your child is fine so you have nothing to worry about. Rest assured people like this exist because the alternative doesn't bear thinking about.

CecilyP · 19/07/2021 10:14

Do people who let their cats out usually go looking for them? I assume she knows she lives next door to a 2 year old and they tend to have tantrums. I think ‘mad’ is a bit extreme but would find her annoying. If she does it again, I’d stay calm and say, “of course, wouldn’t you be distressed if someone ‘cutted up your pear.’”

Merryoldgoat · 19/07/2021 10:15

Three meltdowns by 10? I’d be concerned too.

I think it’s good that people are more willing to get involved these days.

Children are abused every day in ‘normal’ households. Maybe knowing a neighbour has an ear out might make them think twice.

Brefugee · 19/07/2021 10:15

Well it wouldn't have hurt to tell her why he was screaming?

I regularly call the police on my neighbor because he beats his wife. I hear her scream and instead of putting myself in danger I call the police. Previous neighbours had a scream child ("not the blue socks" when he'd specifically asked for those etc) and after the first time I asked if they were OK, I recognises the signs/sounds and left them to it.
Because in both cases if the worst happened I want to know that I hadn't ignored the warning signs

Ponoka7 · 19/07/2021 10:16

Would you have rather she phoned the police?

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 19/07/2021 10:21

Be great full and thankful. A kind stranger was looking after the welfare of your child. Imagine if he had actually needed some
Help or intervention. You’re overthinking it. I have kids. Sometimes other people’s kids sound like they are being murdered. Which either means a) they don’t like that they can not touch the actual sky, or b) they are in distress and need help. Who knows??

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 19/07/2021 10:21

I woukd assume best intentions here op, she probably feels for a screaming child, as I woukd, and is just checking in and either concerned or trying to be helpful. I know someone who said this to a friend once and friend dissolved into tears and they had a lovely chat about the hell it cab be sometimes.

CecilyP · 19/07/2021 10:21

Children are abused every day in ‘normal’ households. Maybe knowing a neighbour has an ear out might make them think twice.

I doubt it. We hear much more noise because of the weather and all the doors and windows open. I had literally never heard my neighbours’ baby cry until recently and he’s 11 months. Now I’m often in the garden and they have the back door open, I now know he cries quite a lot.