Neighbour asked about my screaming child

[Anya20]

So this morning, this lady comes over to say she thinks her cat is in my garden ( this is the third time she has been looking for her cat in the last 3 weeks) . Whilst I go to open the side door to let her into the garden, she says to me -
‘ I heard a child screaming about ten minutes ago’ so I said ‘ yeah that was my child’ and then she says ‘ he sounded very distressed!’ .

I was a bit shocked and asked her if she had children and she said yes.

My child was having a third meltdown of the morning because he was tired bc he stayed up late yesterday because we had family over. That screaming from ten minutes ago was because he wanted to remove the ‘ black dots ‘ from his porridge. So I ignored his screaming for a few minutes because I couldn’t see what dots he was talking about.

I am fuming - was she looking to see if I am a fit mother rather than for her cat?? He’s nearly 3 obv he has tantrums!!! Am I right to be mad?

Three meltdowns by 10? Those are rookie numbers
In theory nice of her to care but I'd be annoyed too OP. Some days the devil just gets in them and there's not much to be done about it. I work my absolute arse off to take good care of mine and I could be Mary poppins and sometimes they will still make noises like an axe murderer is here.

My brother is child free and he says he can't believe it, all the films with crazy kids are true. You can do everythjj in my right and somehow they will swing from a lampshade screaming line Tarzan while wielding a chainsaw they got from god knows where.
Love them more than anything in this world, it's hard work with little ones

Three meltdowns by 10? I’d be concerned too.

Rather depends if he’s been up since half past 6 or half past 9.

I'd stop 'fuming' and be grateful that you have neighbours who are concerned. They might also be pissed off that your child has had three tantrums today and it's only 9am - it's boiling and they all have their windows open and probably want some peace and quiet, not your dc screaming at them!

I'd apologise, thank her for her concern, and give your dc an early night, then maybe be a bit more conscious of other people and how your dc 's behavious is affecting them.

If your child is actually having meltdowns and not tantrums, are you getting any support?

I’ve done what your neighbour did 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ll never apologise for being concerned about a child.

I’ve also phoned the police to ask them to check a situation that I felt uncomfortable about 🤷🏻‍♀️ Hadn’t long moved into a new semi-detached house. Family next door (mum, dad and 2 girls about 11 and 13). One night during the night I could hear screaming - honestly like someone was being murdered! Went and looked out the front bay window to see where it was coming from and seen the mum next door at her bay window. Next thing I know the dad is pounding on our front door (it’s about 1am at this point) so my DH and I went to the door and he shouts “there’s no need to be concerned, social services are already involved!” and hurried back to his house 😐 I just felt odd about the whole situation so phoned the police.
Turned out 13 year old was having a major meltdown but I wasn’t taking any chances!

it's boiling and they all have their windows open and probably want some peace and quiet, not your dc screaming at them!

I doubt if OP actually wants her DC screaming either!

So a concerned neighbour has come to check your child is ok & has been met by a lady that is 'fuming' ! I'd be expecting a knock on the door to be honest

The world really does not need more randoms making parents feel shit because a child cried for ten minutes.

It's a thing children do.

Well actually, not all children regardless of age have tantrums, but that's a seperate issue. Good for her - if more people cared as much as she did perhaps children who are at risk might be noticed before it's too late.

Stop. As much as I empathise the defensiveness over out own parenting she wasn't being nasty , she doesn't sound as if she was being awful but checking on your child. I would rather that 100 times than one missed issue.

Of course there is a line of intrusivity but this doesn't seem to have crossed it. You know you are not abusive she does not.

Last week my darling little (please read the sarcasm) DS2 worded a statement in front of other school mums in such a way that it absolutely sounded like DP hit me. (Think....we will go home after and beat mummy ....he meant at draughts...yes he really did we bought it two weeks ago and he loves it, but in 5 year old land everyone would know this so he felt no need to clarify). Before DP could clarify all the school doors opened.

Since then I've had 2 well meaning and clunky checks on me. I think that's bloody great. DP would never ever lift his hand to me or the DC. However one school mum had seen the (frankly ridiculous and drives me mad but it makes them all happy) game that ds2 and DP play where he gets picked up by his backpack and they all laugh as DP announces he is walking too slowly and carries him by his backpack for a few steps. It's an old game from his toddler days and all three of them think it's hilarious. That appears to be manhandling ds2 , that and the comment from DS2 alerted the local mums.

You know what I would rather have 5 , 10 , 15 awkward conversations than one Mum be missed if she was being hit. I was touched that they didn't ignore it and checked in on me (it is unfortunate that I am also incredibly pale , anaemic and bruise just by looking at a hard surface....poor DP regularly rolls his eyes at the sight of the level of bruising)

It's a good thing other parents are prepared to ask. Put your own stuff aside. Just reassure her. If she becomes too over the top just tell her enough now. Stop with the defensive. If there is nothing off in the house then what do you have to fear ?

If your child is actually having meltdowns and not tantrums, are you getting any support?

Aren’t they pretty much the same thing with a 2 year old? And really quite common. What support are you suggesting.

I would explain the reasons behind the tantrums and screaming. I wouldn't be fuming about it, sounds like she was just concerned. Not everyone is judging you as a parent, perhaps she was opening up a conversation to see if you're OK?

No, if social services (which is already stretched beyond any use) got a call every fucking time someone's kid had black dots in their porridge it would be totally overwhelmed and those children who are actually being abused would never get help.

That's like saying we'd have better medical outcomes if we all showed up A&E whenever we had an itchy hand or a cold.

We'd overwhelm it and the person with a head injury would die

@CecilyP

If your child is actually having meltdowns and not tantrums, are you getting any support?

Aren’t they pretty much the same thing with a 2 year old? And really quite common. What support are you suggesting.

No, they are absolutely not the same. I'm not suggesting anything, I was asking if OP had support.

Thanks for the replies. That was the only ever time he’s ever stayed up later than usual. I can count on one hand how many times he has stayed up late and I assumed he would have slept in but my little one woke him up this morning.

I did say to her it was due to the black dots in his porridge and that he’s only 2 years old and he was having a tantrum.

I'm actually surprised that non of my neighbours have ever came to check on my toddler, he has some right meltdowns!
I understand why you're offended but just take a step back, appreciate she wanted to check little one was okay and move on.

No, they are absolutely not the same.

You’ve lost me; can you explain?

You're lucky she views you as being approachable enough to come round and speak to you. If I had concerns about a screaming child, I'd either talk to the parents or call the police/ss. Yes, children scream but sometimes you get a feeling that something is "off" and needs to be checked out further. I'm not saying this was the case in your situation but hopefully now your neighbour feels reassured and will just feel sorry for you next time you get a run of tantrums. Better safe than sorry when it comes to child protection.

Good for your neighbour. She was looking out for your child.

Children screaming always sounds worse to someone else than the parent - bear that in mind.

@Frootloops4life

No, if social services (which is already stretched beyond any use) got a call every fucking time someone's kid had black dots in their porridge it would be totally overwhelmed and those children who are actually being abused would never get help.

That's like saying we'd have better medical outcomes if we all showed up A&E whenever we had an itchy hand or a cold.

We'd overwhelm it and the person with a head injury would die

Social services have not been called though.

Calm down

Don’t take it personally. It’s good you have neighbours keeping an eye on your kids for you, it means when they get old enough to play out on the street etc they will be looking out for them.

You're lucky to have a neighbour who cares about a child potentially in distress. Many people would have ignored it - and what if your child HAD been genuinely distressed?

@CecilyP

No, they are absolutely not the same.

You’ve lost me; can you explain?

No. You can stay lost. I didn't post to have a bloody argument. I posted asking if OP had support.

I don't think she had any place to comment on your toddler screaming Absolutely none of her business as a one off.

My dd has mild sn. She'd scream the house down at the smallest thing like a piece of Lego being moved from one part of the room to another. She'd storm up to her bedroom and I'd follow her and try to calm her down and she would scream hysterically "leave me alooooonnnneee". One day dh was walking home from the station and told me he could hear her down the street. I'm convinced my neighbours must think I'm an absolute monster