Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour asked about my screaming child

243 replies

Anya20 · 19/07/2021 09:54

So this morning, this lady comes over to say she thinks her cat is in my garden ( this is the third time she has been looking for her cat in the last 3 weeks) . Whilst I go to open the side door to let her into the garden, she says to me -
‘ I heard a child screaming about ten minutes ago’ so I said ‘ yeah that was my child’ and then she says ‘ he sounded very distressed!’ .

I was a bit shocked and asked her if she had children and she said yes.

My child was having a third meltdown of the morning because he was tired bc he stayed up late yesterday because we had family over. That screaming from ten minutes ago was because he wanted to remove the ‘ black dots ‘ from his porridge. So I ignored his screaming for a few minutes because I couldn’t see what dots he was talking about.

I am fuming - was she looking to see if I am a fit mother rather than for her cat?? He’s nearly 3 obv he has tantrums!!! Am I right to be mad?

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 19/07/2021 10:42

I feel so fortunate to have the neighbours that I do. My next door neighbour tells me she doesn't hear anything if I try to apologise for the noise. Can't possibly be true!

Fl0w3ry · 19/07/2021 10:43

I understand OP, my DS has tantrums over little things. Similar to your DC - the other day it was 'dots' in his pasta. It can be hard enough dealing with that some times, without feeling judged too. I understand your neighbours concern too, from their point of view they probably thought they were helping. But, from your point of view its made you feel uncomfortable.
Maybe reverse that concern onto her about her nuisance cat 'I'm worried it's going to get run over', 'my DS was screaming because he couldn't go in the garden because he is scared of your cat', 'I'm concerned about my DS playing outside because of the amount of cat poo your cat leaves in my garden'. Petty, but it may make you feel better!
No one likes to feel criticised, but if you take a step back you will see that her intentions were good. Ignore the 'pile on' on here though. Some people just like to kick people when they are down. Flowers

FrownedUpon · 19/07/2021 10:43

Good for her. Nice to know people are looking out for children. It’s probably quite alarming for your neighbours when he repeatedly screams & cries like that.

Original poster
Anya20 · 19/07/2021 10:44

Thank you @Frootloops4life for backing me. I think I was upset because of the way she said said it - as though I am the bad parent, that’s how it came across to me. I don’t like hearing my child scream either. We try and avoid the tantrums all the time. Sometimes they are for absolute no reason and I can’t pander to every one of his request.

My child was having a tantrum in my own home, and it feels pretty awful to have someone come to my house and judge me like that. The windows are open, yes, and I often hear a child screaming in the distance in the summer, I’ve also seen children have tantrums in the supermarket, in the park , all sorts of places.

Is my child screaming all day all the time? No he isn’t. He sleeps well, he plays well, he’s actually a really lovely kid but there are a few tantrums thrown in because he’s 2 years old.

Is it hard work- yes it is when that happens, so I didn’t really need a a random coming to tell me that my child is screaming.

OP posts:
Hopdathelf · 19/07/2021 10:45

So you’re fuming because your neighbour asked about what she heard rather than making assumptions and perhaps unnecessarily escalating matters. And you responded by asking about her reproductive choices?

Sounds like rather than take the opportunity to build/strengthen bridges with a neighbour you’ve gone on the defensive and in quite an insulting way. If I were your neighbour you would have used up any existing goodwill.

StrangeToSee · 19/07/2021 10:46

She was concerned about screaming she’d heard, she didn’t even know it was your child. I’m guessing the cat excuse is genuine and she mentioned the screaming as 10 minutes of screaming must be quite worrying.

Did you explain he’s only 3 and was having a tantrum over his porridge?

Iggly · 19/07/2021 10:46

@Anya20

Thank you *@Frootloops4life* for backing me. I think I was upset because of the way she said said it - as though I am the bad parent, that’s how it came across to me. I don’t like hearing my child scream either. We try and avoid the tantrums all the time. Sometimes they are for absolute no reason and I can’t pander to every one of his request.

My child was having a tantrum in my own home, and it feels pretty awful to have someone come to my house and judge me like that. The windows are open, yes, and I often hear a child screaming in the distance in the summer, I’ve also seen children have tantrums in the supermarket, in the park , all sorts of places.

Is my child screaming all day all the time? No he isn’t. He sleeps well, he plays well, he’s actually a really lovely kid but there are a few tantrums thrown in because he’s 2 years old.

Is it hard work- yes it is when that happens, so I didn’t really need a a random coming to tell me that my child is screaming.

How else should she ask…..

What harm has been done apart from to your ego?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/07/2021 10:47

Probably her way if asking if everything was ok. No biggy.

godmum56 · 19/07/2021 10:48

I think you are feeling defensive and that's understandable but....you don't know whether she has missed helping an abused child in the past or finds the screams triggering...we all behave according to what our experiences have been and its possible that she genuinely meant well. Yanbu for being annoyed, I expect 3 meltdowns in a morning is not what you signed up for....it occurs to me to wonder if her other lost cat visits co incided with your littlie exercising their lungs as well?

Wombat64 · 19/07/2021 10:49

If you read these threads, people are always told to check. Would you have preferred a straight social services referral?

Greydog · 19/07/2021 10:49

I was going to go round to my neighbour today to ask if her baby was OK. It screamed for over an hour yesterday afternoon, and it woke me up at 3.30 this morning, screaming. When it's not screaming, it's crying. Now I don't know if I should go and ask, or am I likely to be told to MYOB?

Daphnise · 19/07/2021 10:50

"His third meltdown of the morning"....

Must be lovely living within screaming distance of you.

If you don't want neighbours commenting, try keeping your child a bit quieter?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 19/07/2021 10:52

This is at least a second post in last couple of days about neigbours being concerned about posters child.

I think it's good. If people are concerned they should raise it. If nothing is wring, nothing is wrong. If something is wrong, it can save a child.

Branleuse · 19/07/2021 10:53

Try not to give it too much thought. Im sorry youre having a difficult morning. She probably isnt even judging you. Just gently checking if you and the kid are ok. Thats a kind thing to do really. She didnt actually say anything judgy to you. Id have just said "yes, late night last night and its been one of those mornings already"

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2021 10:53

Why is it relevant whether or not she has children? Everyone is right to care about the welfare of children, not just other parents.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2021 10:53

How dare check up to see if there's a child at risk? If you want to make him s team hes yours and you can do what you want. Or how dare she check on you? No one should ever try to be supportive to other people. It's much better people be allowed to struggle and have breakdowns. What the world's needs less of is people caring.

Is that better op?

Yanbu to have left him to scream for a few minutes and she would have been u of she'd have been complaining but she wasn't. She was checking you're both ok.

Evelyn25 · 19/07/2021 10:54

My adored mother of five - I was the youngest - had worked out how to avoid tantrums. As soon as something (like your black dots) comes up, the secret is CHANGE THE SUBJECT! Excitedly, point madly out of the window, and say "Look, there's a big bird/butterfly/plane !!! and when you get back to the eating, chances are you're still talking about how amazing it was....... I did this with my three, and hardly had tantrums.....

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 19/07/2021 10:55

@Daphnise

"His third meltdown of the morning"....

Must be lovely living within screaming distance of you.

If you don't want neighbours commenting, try keeping your child a bit quieter?

Of course, I'm sure OP never thought of that 👏🏻👏🏻
MaMaD1990 · 19/07/2021 10:56

@Daphnise

"His third meltdown of the morning"....

Must be lovely living within screaming distance of you.

If you don't want neighbours commenting, try keeping your child a bit quieter?

What a twatty post.
MistyFrequencies · 19/07/2021 10:57

YABU. Your child is lucky he has neighbors who care enough to check. No need to be defensive. Accept that a lot fewer kids would be abused if we all made child safeguarding/ welfare everyone's business.

I say this as mother of a child who had a massive tantrum in a supermarket and when I threw him over my shoulder to leave started shouting "help not my mummy help me". As stressed as I was I was glad that so many people did come over to see if he genuinely needed help, and I thanked them for it.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2021 11:00

My child was having a tantrum in my own home, and it feels pretty awful to have someone come to my house and judge me like that. The windows are open, yes
If you've got the windows open then the tantrum in your house is no longer private. And she didnt judge you, she asked of everything was ok.

Imagine substituting your toddler having a screaming fit with neighbours having afternoon sex with the windows open. Or the neighbours having a screaming argument three times before 10 am with the windows open.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/07/2021 11:01

@Helenluvsrob

Stop fuming.

Take a step back and thank her for her concern but he’s out of sorts due to a late night and the heat.

The world needs more neighbours looking out for kids. You child is fine. Without asking she doesn’t know you’re not t the end of your tether with a partner that hits you and a kid who screams because life is awful.

As above.

She's a caring person. It's not just children that can benefit from "nosey" neighbours - adults can, too. When I was depressed a "nosey" neighbour saw the state I was in and helped me through it.

It's not a criticism - it's concern.

VerticalHorizon · 19/07/2021 11:01

Thousands of children suffer domestic abuse, sometimes at the hands of people you'd never suspect.
If more people acted like this lady, there might be less instances of abuse.

I understand your shock, but in the grand scheme, I applaud the lady!

Topofthepopicles · 19/07/2021 11:01

Oh goodness this site isn’t real life. Step away OP. No one thinks children crying for a few minute is SS worthy in the real world or appreciates odd/nosey neighbours for their concern. Mumsnet is it’s only special bubble.

WeAllHaveWings · 19/07/2021 11:04

Neighbour hears what sounds like a very distressed child 3 times before 9:30am (assuming you are in uk) and comes over to check all is ok. No biggie and no reason to be fuming.