Neighbour asked about my screaming child

[Anya20]

So this morning, this lady comes over to say she thinks her cat is in my garden ( this is the third time she has been looking for her cat in the last 3 weeks) . Whilst I go to open the side door to let her into the garden, she says to me -
‘ I heard a child screaming about ten minutes ago’ so I said ‘ yeah that was my child’ and then she says ‘ he sounded very distressed!’ .

I was a bit shocked and asked her if she had children and she said yes.

My child was having a third meltdown of the morning because he was tired bc he stayed up late yesterday because we had family over. That screaming from ten minutes ago was because he wanted to remove the ‘ black dots ‘ from his porridge. So I ignored his screaming for a few minutes because I couldn’t see what dots he was talking about.

I am fuming - was she looking to see if I am a fit mother rather than for her cat?? He’s nearly 3 obv he has tantrums!!! Am I right to be mad?

@Topofthepopicles

Oh goodness this site isn’t real life. Step away OP. No one thinks children crying for a few minute is SS worthy in the real world or appreciates odd/nosey neighbours for their concern. Mumsnet is it’s only special bubble.

But it wasn't a one off few minutes. It was the third time that morning, goodness knows how much more the neighbour has heard given, what kids that age she can be like. And the neighbour didn't mention cc, she just asked everything was okay

I think I was upset because of the way she said said it - as though I am the bad parent, that’s how it came across to me.

The key thing here is "there's how it came across to me". Most likely that was not how it was at all - she heard what sounded like a distress3d child more than once and was concerned.

Would you ignore a child you thought was distressed?

I would say that two of my children have had meltdowns and tantrums that would sound very worrying despite being innocent.

I bet the children who make it into the news had them too, without being innocent.

I don't think you're likely to be in the best frame of mind to think about this this morning. You've had a testing morning by the sounds of it with a child who's got the devil in them this morning. It's going to be a long day with the heat too probably. I think your neighbour did the right thing, and maybe you are understandably fraught and over-sensitive today. Park it, get through toddler hell today and tomorrow is a new, hopefully easier day.

YABU

@CecilyP

You may find this helpful if you genuinely want to know the difference, rather than simply trying to pick an argument: The difference between a tantrum and a meltdown

Be thankful she spoke to you and didn't call social services or the police....

I feel so fortunate to have the neighbours that I do. My next door neighbour tells me she doesn't hear anything if I try to apologise for the noise. Can't possibly be true!

It’s possible with reasonable insulation. As said previously, never heard my neighbours baby cry until recently when I’ve been in the garden. My previous neighbours had 2 grand children born there, never heard the babies either ( though did hear some magnificent shouting matches with their DD!)

Don't be mad.
You should be pleased she cared enough to ask.
Not all kids tantrum to the extent a neighbour asks if all is okay. Good on her I say.

Thanks Oakmaiden, I was genuinely racking my brains to think of the difference (though it’s a long time since I had a toddler).

If I heard screaming from my neighbour's house I would go round and ask if everything was ok and did they need any help. I think that is the right thing to do. People get ill, have accidents etc. If all was well and it was just a tantrum I would sympathise and leave without judging.

@topofthepopicles I'm so glad my children aren't little any more. It's the hardest job in the world, bar none. The judgement and policing by others can make it unbearable.
Someone said, it takes a village. Well, it would be better if that village was actually helpful, which many people assume to mean actually be taking the children off your hands occasionally.
Maybe it really means that in your isolation with young children, the village will appear 'concerned' at your door that you aren't a good mother.

Both my two were very tantrummy. The youngest especially was always very loud, very screamy and very unreasonable, usually several times a day. He's 14 now so I can't remember the reasons, but 'black dots in porridge' sounds like exactly the type of thing my youngest would tantrum about.

It made me utterly miserable and stressed. I would have hated having a nosy neighbour challenge me about it.

I'm so glad those years are over. Ugh.

She may well have been concerned for you rather than your son. Perhaps if you'd said you were at the end of your tether and shattered she might have offered to watch him for a bit while you had a sleep or similar practical help. As it happens you didn't need help.

All these "kind stranger being helpful, everyone's job to look after kids" are making me cringe so hard.

Everyone knows small children scream and cry. EVERYONE. If you hear a kid crying for 10 minutes, no shouting or crashing around or anything, it's pretty clear that the child is not in distress. And even if this woman apparently genuinely believed this child was in trouble, is it seriously anyone here's belief that the right course of action was to go and tell the mum he sounded "distressed"? Not a report, not a "are you okay/is everything okay?". Just a pass agg comment on the child crying. There is no way. It is far more likely she is just letting you know the sound is bothering her.

Cutted up pear anyone?

Not all kids tantrum to the extent a neighbour asks if all is okay. Good on her I say

Or - Most neighbours understand that toddlers cry and tantrum and so would never dream of assuming something bad was happening to the child to cause this.

Bloody neighbours, giving a shit about the people living around them.

What exactly is this issue here, OP?

As we all know toddlers are very capable of sounding as if they are being tortured for the most crazy reasons!! Having said that I would rather a neighbour speak to me than get on to Social Services .
I really wouldn’t be offended. It is that one time when people don’t speak up that we read about the tragedies and the’ what ifs .’

This is one of those situations where from the outside it’s nice that she is concerned, child welfare etc etc
But when someone comes to your door, and questions you about your child and parenting skills, of course you are going to take offence, and not think ‘well it’s nice that she cares’

It’s very different when it happens to you. Most of the above posters would also be pissed off if they were in your shoes.

Reverse it a bit.
If you couldn't look after your child for whatever reason, and the person who was looking after them needed help/intervention- wouldn't you want a neighbour to be concerned?
I know it's hard, but it sounds like her heart was in the right place.

It was a hot spell many years ago when my neighbour asked if my son was ok. All the windows had been open the previous night and he'd heard my 7 year old screaming that we were hurting him, leave him alone, No!, No!, it hurts, scream, sob, you're hurting me, scream etc.

I was impressed he was worried, I would have rung the police.

DS had a splinter.

Not all kids tantrum to the extent a neighbour asks if all is okay. Good on her I say

Mine probably did but as I didn’t live in a house with paper thin walls, it was never a problem!

You posted a few months ago about your abusive husband shouting at you, calling you a fucking cunt in front of your toddler son and you said this happens regularly. Perhaps your neighbour is letting you know that she knows what is really going on in your house?