Neighbour asked about my screaming child

[Anya20]

So this morning, this lady comes over to say she thinks her cat is in my garden ( this is the third time she has been looking for her cat in the last 3 weeks) . Whilst I go to open the side door to let her into the garden, she says to me -
‘ I heard a child screaming about ten minutes ago’ so I said ‘ yeah that was my child’ and then she says ‘ he sounded very distressed!’ .

I was a bit shocked and asked her if she had children and she said yes.

My child was having a third meltdown of the morning because he was tired bc he stayed up late yesterday because we had family over. That screaming from ten minutes ago was because he wanted to remove the ‘ black dots ‘ from his porridge. So I ignored his screaming for a few minutes because I couldn’t see what dots he was talking about.

I am fuming - was she looking to see if I am a fit mother rather than for her cat?? He’s nearly 3 obv he has tantrums!!! Am I right to be mad?

@VerticalHorizon

Victoria Climbie was 8 Daniel Pelka was 4 Zachary Turner was 1 Peter Connelly (Baby P) was 17 months

Incredibly dramatic. While very sad, for those four children you named, there are thousands more who tantrum every day. It is a very small statistic to justify sticking your nose in.

MolyHoly - your view is abhorrent.

Incredibly dramatic. While very sad, for those four children you named, there are thousands more who tantrum every day. It is a very small statistic to justify sticking your nose in

The op posted in January 2021 that her husband was regularly abusive, shouting at her, calling her a fucking cunt and making her toddler cry. The neighbour obviously still has concerns that there is domestic abuse going on right next door to her. It might be the best thing that ever happens to the op and her children that this woman is sticking her nose in.

Incredibly dramatic. While very sad, for those four children you named, there are thousands more who tantrum every day. It is a very small statistic to justify sticking your nose in.

There are also thousands of kids being abused daily... The fact that only few make it into national newspapers doesn't mean it's not happening.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Incredibly dramatic. While very sad, for those four children you named, there are thousands more who tantrum every day. It is a very small statistic to justify sticking your nose in.

There are also thousands of kids being abused daily... The fact that only few make it into national newspapers doesn't mean it's not happening.

Yes there are...the fact is though you could never hear a child screaming but they still could be being abused. You could hear a child screaming who is incredibly loved and well cared for. The only way you could really find out is by literally investigating everyone because really no one knows what goes on behind closed doors

This must have been an appalling experience, and I have every sympathy for you. Learning to cope plus a different language must have been unspeakable.

@Justilou1

I moved to the Netherlands from Australia with two two year olds and a four year old. My DH promptly went away for work for 10 weeks over the summer leaving me to navigate a new language, registering EVERYTHING (soooo much paperwork in Dutch beaurocracy), learning to drive on the other side of the road, new food at the supermarket with two people with two different food allergies to cater to, an entirely different medical system, different schools, etc) I had the little two, over-tired in the trolley and the big one hanging onto my skirt in the supermarket and I was entertaining my still barely verbal son with “catch my finger” to be accosted by a gigantic Dutch woman who yelled at me, “We don’t hit our children here in the Netherlands!!!” My son went from peals of laughter to screams of fear and wrapped himself around my neck, the other two did the same. I was in shock…. (I was raised by abusive parents and have NEVER hit my kids at all!) She was threatening to call the police, and I was shaking, and asked if there was CCTV in the store. She said, “Probably!” I told her to call the police right away, and stood there in the crowd staring at me, while she shouted and also began making racist accusations about foreigners coming to work in the Netherlands. Luckily all caught on CCTV. Both child abuse and racism are considered to be serious crimes there, and I had witnesses around me. I calmly asked the police to view the CCTV, and see what she had been responding to, and ask the crowd what she had been yelling at me. I didn’t press charges because I assume she had issues, but I had to shop there all the time. Great start to living in small, foreign town as the token Aussie.

What an awful experience. Glad you felt able to stand your ground. How intimidating.

@Nonmaquillee

MolyHoly - your view is abhorrent.

And what is your view? That every time you hear your neighbour’s child scream you go knocking on their door? What do you think it will achieve? Do you think it will stop abuse if it’s happening? You can’t seriously think it should be reported? You need a reality check. And to tone the drama down.

No drama implied in the word “abhorrent”. You say that a few dead children are a “small statistic” - this is abhorrent as a view, yes.

EVERY time a child cries, this needs investigating: this is not what I or many other posters on the thread are saying. You need to read the further context of the situation described.

Totally agree with this. During lockdowns most primary schools had a member of staff visit each child at their home (doorstep) Clearly, the schools were doing welfare checks in all but name - good! I welcome this! If your a decent parent you’d welcome this kind of thing, if it helps just one child the. It’s worth it. I can understand the OP initially feeling judged etc but the bottom line is the Neighbour was looking out for the welfare of the child and that’s more important than whether or not you offend the parents by asking/checking.

@Nonmaquillee

No drama implied in the word “abhorrent”. You say that a few dead children are a “small statistic” - this is abhorrent as a view, yes.

EVERY time a child cries, this needs investigating: this is not what I or many other posters on the thread are saying. You need to read the further context of the situation described.

I completely agree with you. @MolyHolyGuacamole your view on this is totally abhorrent. Shame on you.

Context is everything. I think you need to read a bit deeper...

I’m very glad that back in the real world we don’t routinely ‘investigate’ every time a child in our vacinity cries. As a general rule, unless shown otherwise, I assume the parents are aware and sorting out a child who is crying or are choosing to ignore for a good reason.

Making parents afraid to let their child cry (which is the logical outcome of this idea of neighbourly or even state ‘investigating’) will actually end up in worse parenting. Children who are never given boundaries may cry less, children who are allowed phones in their rooms may cry less, children who don’t have to eat their dinner and fill up on chocolate may cry less, children who are ND and not taken out of the house may cry less…. but it isn’t what we want the our society’s children.

@Topofthepopicles

I’m very glad that back in the real world we don’t routinely ‘investigate’ every time a child in our vacinity cries. As a general rule, unless shown otherwise, I assume the parents are aware and sorting out a child who is crying or are choosing to ignore for a good reason.

Making parents afraid to let their child cry (which is the logical outcome of this idea of neighbourly or even state ‘investigating’) will actually end up in worse parenting. Children who are never given boundaries may cry less, children who are allowed phones in their rooms may cry less, children who don’t have to eat their dinner and fill up on chocolate may cry less, children who are ND and not taken out of the house may cry less…. but it isn’t what we want the our society’s children.

Yes I agree...normal,appropriate discipline often results in children crying. I remember my ds being very cheeky to me, I said very calmly "if you don't stop, I will cancel football this weekend" ...he became quite hysterical at this suggestion and started screaming "please mummy, noooooo, don't do it mummy,please, nooooo". I genuinely expected my neighbours to call the police. If I had to parent being terrified that every shout or cry from my children may result in me being investigated, I'd be an absolute nervous wreck and my dc would be able to behave atrociously

I would not be impressed either.
One thing is to show concern and check on you, but she shouldn't be lying to get access to your house! If she has a huge concern then she can call social services, it is their work to investigate if needed. The cat story seems fabricated.
My DD who is already 4 has still tamtrums sometimes and screams the house down for nothing. Sometimes I think about my neighbours...what do they think when they hear her? And I would understand if at some point they showed concern and come to talk to me, but like adults and having a normal conversation, not fabricating anything, I think it is childish

Some of ypu are being bit dramatic auggwating taht every cry may bring attention of neigbours.
Everyone knows kids cry, but there is a patteen of behaviour, too much of cfying and if youa lso have people in bad domestic situation with adult shouting, who the hell wouldn't be concerned...

Suggestions not auggwating. Wth😂

If she had insulted your parenting or not politely asked but just called the police or another agency she would be unreasonable.
She was just concerned for a crying child.
Count your blessings.🌈