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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour asked about my screaming child

243 replies

Anya20 · 19/07/2021 09:54

So this morning, this lady comes over to say she thinks her cat is in my garden ( this is the third time she has been looking for her cat in the last 3 weeks) . Whilst I go to open the side door to let her into the garden, she says to me -
‘ I heard a child screaming about ten minutes ago’ so I said ‘ yeah that was my child’ and then she says ‘ he sounded very distressed!’ .

I was a bit shocked and asked her if she had children and she said yes.

My child was having a third meltdown of the morning because he was tired bc he stayed up late yesterday because we had family over. That screaming from ten minutes ago was because he wanted to remove the ‘ black dots ‘ from his porridge. So I ignored his screaming for a few minutes because I couldn’t see what dots he was talking about.

I am fuming - was she looking to see if I am a fit mother rather than for her cat?? He’s nearly 3 obv he has tantrums!!! Am I right to be mad?

OP posts:
WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 19/07/2021 12:03

Apologies it seems I've got it wrong. I searched the wrong user name

TheQueef · 19/07/2021 12:05

@WhateverHappenedToFayWray

People on here really jump to conclusions. The OP commented on a post where someone had said their husband had called them a cunt. OP was supportive to the OP and suggested she ring Women's aid.

Some horrible people on here

You should re-read. It was her thread. Looks like Nosey Woman is actually astute kind woman.
TheQueef · 19/07/2021 12:05

Sorry x post.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2021 12:08

Use your time and energy to get the help it sounds like you and your children need rather than projecting your upset on your neighbour.

She’s worried about her cat. You should be worrying about your babies and yourself.

SprayedWithDettol · 19/07/2021 12:09

OP this is a concerned person, not a ‘random’ ffs.

Lovemusic33 · 19/07/2021 12:13

One of my neighbours has a child that screams on and off all day (really loudly), I feel for the child’s parent/s, maybe the neighbour was just being friendly and wanted to know that all was ok? Yes is sounds like she might be a bit nosey but you sound far too angry about something so little, I’m sure she meant well.

Bluntness100 · 19/07/2021 12:14

Are you normally hyper sensitive or are you just tired? I doubt she came to your house to judge you she simply showed concern for your child.

If peoooe can’t interfere when they hear a child in distress, without fear of attack by the parent then a lot of children who do need help will not get it, adults should comment. It’s about rhe child, not the parent.

Drivingmeupthewall · 19/07/2021 12:14

What is with the spate of overly involved people in other people’s lives of late?

Sounds like she faked a missing cat to check on your kid. Don’t waste the energy on fuming but just say he’s three, he had a tantrum over his porridge, that’s what they do, shrug and steer her out of the garden.

godmum56 · 19/07/2021 12:22

@Drivingmeupthewall

What is with the spate of overly involved people in other people’s lives of late?

Sounds like she faked a missing cat to check on your kid. Don’t waste the energy on fuming but just say he’s three, he had a tantrum over his porridge, that’s what they do, shrug and steer her out of the garden.

except for OP's previous thread.....
Nanny0gg · 19/07/2021 12:27

@GettingUntrapped

The mummy police are ever present when you have young children. Don't let her get to you.
If there were more of them there might be fewer abused children.

And if there had been a problem, a concerned visitor might have been very welcome

unwuthering · 19/07/2021 12:27

God forbid anyone should look out for kids.

Tossblanket · 19/07/2021 12:34

There are children sadly suffering abuse in various homes around the country. How is she to know yours isn't one of them

She sounds like a great neighbour to me.

CustardySergeant · 19/07/2021 12:38

@Tossblanket

There are children sadly suffering abuse in various homes around the country. How is she to know yours isn't one of them

She sounds like a great neighbour to me.

Well said.
ohfuckitall · 19/07/2021 12:39

I think your neighbour handled it well. She didn't judge or blame but made an observation. I would have seen that as gently checking if things were ok.

icelollies · 19/07/2021 12:41

You are not being unreasonable! Unless you have the same idyllic life that the other posters seem to live, with genuinely concerned neighbours who respond to the rare event that a child speaks louder than a whisper…

The reality is that more likely she was being nosey, and making a comment because she was annoyed at being disturbed by a very normal screaming 2 year old!

Only you know which of the two she is, and you can probably guess by thinking about what she would she do if you said yes you were having a problem….

PerciphonePuma · 19/07/2021 12:56

@iwilldoitsoon

If your child is actually having meltdowns and not tantrums, are you getting any support?
My child has Autism and even we don't 'get support' 😂 Have you met this sector of the NHS?!?! 😂😂
FrankieDoyle · 19/07/2021 13:00

She wasn't "judging" you by what you've written, not sure why you think that.

Mansplainee · 19/07/2021 13:03

OP clearly YABU and should have removed the black dots from the porridge immediately. Heartless!

If it makes you feel any better my two year old screamed at me within 30 seconds of seeing me this morning because I picked her up out of the cot and failed to realise that she also wanted me to pick up 4 cuddly toys at the same time.

She probably screams/cries/tantrums several times before 9am most days. Maybe not all toddlers are that high maintenance but it’s definitely not unusual going by my child and that of my friends. Your neighbour may have just forgotten what small children are like.

I guess she was just coming from a place of concern and was trying (and failing) to be subtle by pretending to look for her cat. It would irritate me if a neighbour did this, but in your shoes I’d probably have a conversation with her to put her mind at rest so she knows your DC is fine, and that sometimes children will protest if they don’t get their own way and this is just a phase you need to get through.

Justilou1 · 19/07/2021 13:04

“Thanks for your concern. My kid is a healthy and normal toddler. Now, about your cat… Perhaps you ought to be keeping it inside. People might start thinking you’re neglecting it, losing it as often as you do, and in such hot weather!”

HPFA · 19/07/2021 13:05

I had a dilemna once - I saw a neighbour's kid out after dark and they were of the age where you're not sure if that's OK or not.

In the end I texted her and said "hope you don't mind but I just saw X on Y street. Is that OK?" and got a reply saying "yes, that's fine."

When I saw her next I apologised and just explained that in the end I'd decided I'd prefer her being offended than take the risk her kid had run off and next thing they were on the News. She was very nice about it and said I'd done the right thing.

iwilldoitsoon · 19/07/2021 13:07

@PerciphonePuma

My child has Autism and even we don't 'get support' 😂 Have you met this sector of the NHS?!?! 😂😂

I'm not entirely sure why you think it's appropriate to laugh at me for asking if OP has support?

That could come in many forms. I didn't actually specify the NHS, or mention autism, I simply asked if OP was getting any support.

Please don't feel because you have an autistic child you hold the right to speak to someone like you have right there.

I actually have 2 autistic children and am autistic myself, so to answer your question, yes I have 'met' this sector if the NHS. I'm able to recognise however that support for parents comes in many forms from many places and was merely trying to establish if OP has any support.

Itried88 · 19/07/2021 13:09

My 3 year old is very loud and angry at the moment. We have tried various things but he's just going through this awful angry shouting stage. His paddy's are shocking. He's loud. My neighbours must really judge us. But I can't magic it back out of him. Kids go through some right stages.

Provencerose · 19/07/2021 13:15

I do wonder if people commenting on a tired, grumpy 2 year do actually have children or perhaps they have a short memory!

In my opinion I would’ve just kept an ear out and if I was that concerned that there was some form of abuse going on, called social services, not taken it upon myself to investigate. All a bit too Miss Marple!

Listener2021 · 19/07/2021 13:19

neighbour did that to us once (it was a hair washing affair). She was the kindest person.
Years later she offered to buy my 13 year old daughter a coat because she'd seen her a the bus stop so many bitter mornings wearing no outdoor coat and ballet flats. It was nice to bring her in and show her the rejected school coat, ski jacket, boots, scarves etc.
She'd been a social worker before she retired. She was just doing what she thought best for the young ones, as she'd done all her life.

Nanny0gg · 19/07/2021 13:21

@Provencerose

I do wonder if people commenting on a tired, grumpy 2 year do actually have children or perhaps they have a short memory!

In my opinion I would’ve just kept an ear out and if I was that concerned that there was some form of abuse going on, called social services, not taken it upon myself to investigate. All a bit too Miss Marple!

I had children and DGC who tantrummed.

Wouldn't have bothered me. And I don't have the OP's backstory