Neighbour asked about my screaming child

[Anya20]

So this morning, this lady comes over to say she thinks her cat is in my garden ( this is the third time she has been looking for her cat in the last 3 weeks) . Whilst I go to open the side door to let her into the garden, she says to me -
‘ I heard a child screaming about ten minutes ago’ so I said ‘ yeah that was my child’ and then she says ‘ he sounded very distressed!’ .

I was a bit shocked and asked her if she had children and she said yes.

My child was having a third meltdown of the morning because he was tired bc he stayed up late yesterday because we had family over. That screaming from ten minutes ago was because he wanted to remove the ‘ black dots ‘ from his porridge. So I ignored his screaming for a few minutes because I couldn’t see what dots he was talking about.

I am fuming - was she looking to see if I am a fit mother rather than for her cat?? He’s nearly 3 obv he has tantrums!!! Am I right to be mad?

Where are we heading, is this Nazi Germany all over again, where we are supposed to be peaking through the curtains and reporting on our neighbours at every opportunity.

Omg I missed that. What a numpty. You all on mumsnet need to stop using nazism as an answer to every thing you don't like. For a country who is still heavily into "omg what we did in ww2 eh", you have no respect.

Where are we heading, is this Nazi Germany all over again, where we are supposed to be peaking through the curtains and reporting on our neighbours at every opportunity.

A bit strong that.
The lady attempted to 'check' the situation, and she established all was indeed well. She didn't report to the authorities, but she did try to check on the cause of a seemingly distressed child.

I find it difficult to criticise her actions, and certainly ludicrous to liken this to Nazi Germany.

When my eldest was three or so, she had multiple meltdowns over the course of the day which resulted in her being overtired at bedtime and having absolute harpy screaming fits.
NDN came round “your child is screaming a lot today, are we quite sure we can manage?”
“We’re fine, she’s having a trying day with nursery and the heat and is now overtired.”
“Are you sure? I’m concerned. I may call the police.”
“Ava, come through here and show the nice lady you’re fine.”
She hugged my legs and was absolutely scowling at the woman. If looks could kill 😅
She also went lovely and quiet for the first time in hours, so silver linings and all that!

Cannot believe the comments on here (have only read about 10), but the amount of people saying they wouldn't have a problem with this?! A neighbour basically listening out for when a toddler has a tantrum and then thinking it is her responsibility to come over and check that you're not harming your child??

I would be absolutely fuming too. I would not be answering the door to her again. Who the hell does she think she is.

Seriously the people on here who think they would just thank some nosey cow for turning up at your door essentially accusing you of harming your child?

@moovinon

Cannot believe the comments on here (have only read about 10), but the amount of people saying they wouldn't have a problem with this?! A neighbour basically listening out for when a toddler has a tantrum and then thinking it is her responsibility to come over and check that you're not harming your child??

I would be absolutely fuming too. I would not be answering the door to her again. Who the hell does she think she is.

Seriously the people on here who think they would just thank some nosey cow for turning up at your door essentially accusing you of harming your child?

Moovinon you need to read more of the thread

My domestic situation is fine , and was going through a difficult time during the first lockdown - we had couples counselling and it resolved.

My toddler will probably have another tantrum tomorrow and again the day after because he is at that age. I think a lot of people are understanding of this and have expressed that. He literally must have screamed for about 2-3 minutes before I actually gave in and removed the bits he wanted me to and then fed him the porridge because he was so upset.

So what will happen tomorrow is that he might have a tantrum because he wants daddy to take him out of the high chair and not mummy. Or he might scream because I cut his pizza into small squares to make it cool faster rather than into triangles.

Will I need to get my neighbour to come round every time he has a tantrum?

Victoria Climbie

Intervention could have saved her.

moovinon perhaps the people who don't think the neighbour is a nosy cow are are not fuming have read more than 10 posts before commenting.

My domestic situation is fine , and was going through a difficult time during the first lockdown - we had couples counselling and it resolved.

I hope you aren't still suffering the abuse you posted about in January 2021. That is not first lockdown. It sounded awful for you and your child.

Will I need to get my neighbour to come round every time he has a tantrum?
She didn't even now came around after every tantrum. It was succesaive ones which made her concerned. Probably mixed with other stuff. She checked, you are ok, I am sure ahe will keep an eye anyway, but most likely won't be coming again until something extreme happens.

I think she was being a responsible adult. How many times have children been murdered (baby P, Victoria Climbie, etc) because people did nothing or chose not to get involved!

In all fairness @Anya20 going by your post about your abusive partner, you’re lucky she didn’t call SS or police.
Take her asking as a good thing. She’s asking if you’re both ok.

People need to look out for each other.
If we didn't, well...
You're obviously affronted but people are entitled to feel worried about hearing three meltdowns by breakfast time.

you don't sound very sympathetic to your child; you cannot expect him to have the reasoning power and the resilience of a grown person.
the world is all new to him, and as well as being wonderful, that is also strangely frightening at times, eg the black dots in his food.
and he has no control over anything and little choice in his living arrangements.
imagine if you had to eat something with unidentifiable specks in it.

I can't believe what i'm reading on this thread. I don't think you are unreasonable, OP.

Like someone else said, everyone knows toddlers are screamy, noisy little buggers. My own 2 year old ran around the garden screaming earlier shouting "no, mummy, no" over and over again...all because I asked him to please put his hat back on. I'm terrified he will get sun stroke and he point blank refuses to wear it.

He has also figured out that his bedroom is very reverberant when he screams; so that is exactly what he does every time I take him in to change his nappy. He screams for a second then laughs heartily, then screams again. My neighbour wouldn't hear the laughs though.

An older child screaming would concern me, unless i knew there was SN....but a belligerent toddler...no way. Your neighbours kids must have been angels, or she has a very short memory!

Often it's myself shouting and screaming because I have reached my absolute limit. Everyone must hear me! What can you do. Raising children is stressful, especially ones who have additional needs.

Your neighbours kids must have been angels, or she has a very short memory!

It’s probably more likely she is remembering the op’s situation a few months ago when her husband was shouting at her, calling her a cunt and making her little boy cry.

Victoria Climbie was 8
Daniel Pelka was 4
Zachary Turner was 1
Peter Connelly (Baby P) was 17 months

@newnortherner111

Someone cares about the welfare of a child. How lovely. Comes and speaks to you in person, not phoning the police or social services.

'It was a tantrum over bits in the porridge, nothing else' would have been a response, and probably then a smile over it.

Imagine someone calling the police every time a child had a tantrum 🙄

Before I had children of my own I would have probably been concerned if I’d heard a little one screaming the house down, now as a mum I know it’s normal. My eldest had a meltdown cos he wished his birthday was in summer and I mean a total screaming meltdown and my youngest went off the scale because I wouldn’t let her “hold”
A bottle of dettol”’ I do wonder what our neighbours must think when they can hear them! If she comes and does it again I would just explain whatever had happened. I know what you mean though, If that had happened to me my first reaction would be “how dare she?!” but then when id calmed down and reflected would probably just think the woman is only showing concern for young kids and for that she’s a decent person. If more people were like her the world would be a better place x

I moved to the Netherlands from Australia with two two year olds and a four year old. My DH promptly went away for work for 10 weeks over the summer leaving me to navigate a new language, registering EVERYTHING (soooo much paperwork in Dutch beaurocracy), learning to drive on the other side of the road, new food at the supermarket with two people with two different food allergies to cater to, an entirely different medical system, different schools, etc) I had the little two, over-tired in the trolley and the big one hanging onto my skirt in the supermarket and I was entertaining my still barely verbal son with “catch my finger” to be accosted by a gigantic Dutch woman who yelled at me, “We don’t hit our children here in the Netherlands!!!” My son went from peals of laughter to screams of fear and wrapped himself around my neck, the other two did the same. I was in shock…. (I was raised by abusive parents and have NEVER hit my kids at all!) She was threatening to call the police, and I was shaking, and asked if there was CCTV in the store. She said, “Probably!” I told her to call the police right away, and stood there in the crowd staring at me, while she shouted and also began making racist accusations about foreigners coming to work in the Netherlands. Luckily all caught on CCTV. Both child abuse and racism are considered to be serious crimes there, and I had witnesses around me. I calmly asked the police to view the CCTV, and see what she had been responding to, and ask the crowd what she had been yelling at me. I didn’t press charges because I assume she had issues, but I had to shop there all the time. Great start to living in small, foreign town as the token Aussie.

@Justilou1

I moved to the Netherlands from Australia with two two year olds and a four year old. My DH promptly went away for work for 10 weeks over the summer leaving me to navigate a new language, registering EVERYTHING (soooo much paperwork in Dutch beaurocracy), learning to drive on the other side of the road, new food at the supermarket with two people with two different food allergies to cater to, an entirely different medical system, different schools, etc) I had the little two, over-tired in the trolley and the big one hanging onto my skirt in the supermarket and I was entertaining my still barely verbal son with “catch my finger” to be accosted by a gigantic Dutch woman who yelled at me, “We don’t hit our children here in the Netherlands!!!” My son went from peals of laughter to screams of fear and wrapped himself around my neck, the other two did the same. I was in shock…. (I was raised by abusive parents and have NEVER hit my kids at all!) She was threatening to call the police, and I was shaking, and asked if there was CCTV in the store. She said, “Probably!” I told her to call the police right away, and stood there in the crowd staring at me, while she shouted and also began making racist accusations about foreigners coming to work in the Netherlands. Luckily all caught on CCTV. Both child abuse and racism are considered to be serious crimes there, and I had witnesses around me. I calmly asked the police to view the CCTV, and see what she had been responding to, and ask the crowd what she had been yelling at me. I didn’t press charges because I assume she had issues, but I had to shop there all the time. Great start to living in small, foreign town as the token Aussie.

Yes, child abuse is a serious crime in many countries. Is that not the case in Australia?

Of course it is! She was just jumping to some weird conclusion that I was belting my (laughing) kid in the trolley as an excuse to hit me with a tirade of racist/xenophobic “Go back to where you come from” kind of abuse. It just backfired, because I hadn’t hit my kid, she scared the shit out of all three of my little kids and spouted her rhetoric in front of witnesses who all stood up for me when the police came. (Suspect she needed meds.)

The OP didn’t mention “calling the police every time a child has a tantrum “; she talked about a neighbour checking everything was okay after she heard what she interpreted as a distressed child.

The posters indignant on behalf of the OP are ignoring the posters reminding us of the children to whom everyone around them turned a blind eye when they were being abused and neglected. Those who compare concerned adults with the Nazis during WW2 are displaying embarrassing ignorance.