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Original poster

To kick my 18 year old out

200 replies

Amiaeful86 · 18/07/2021 16:06

So I know it’s sounds harsh but I am seriously at my wits end.
He has finished college (was 2 days a week) and has no effort in finding a full time job and even when his college told him of apprenticeships he told me he applied but lied as he didn’t bother as forgot, despite me reminding him daily. He doesn’t do anything including put his washing in the basket so his newly decorated room is a disgusting mess. We spent thousands on his room- so new bed, mattress, carpets and everything was brand new after a long talk that he would look after it which he hasn’t - carpet is ruined and so is walls and furniture. We have had a hundred talks about bucking his ideas up and at 18 he is now capable of working and looking after his stuff.
This weekend his weekend job has sacked him as once again he phoned in sick despite being out with his mates drinking and posting it on social media so he is still in bed! He lies about everything and anything and isn’t allowed a computer console after more than once stealing my bank card details to buy add ons to games online so I spend my life checking my younger two haven’t left any money or there go Henry cards lying around and that my purse is locked in my bedroom.
Whenever we talk he cry’s and plays the victim that I don’t trust him but I how can I when he will stand and lie to face and when caught out just shrugges and says I don’t know. My youngest has ASD so finds this really stressful with 18 year old forgetting keys and hammering on door or trying to climb in bedroom windows and then him shouting and being verbally aggressive to me when I pull him up on it

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 18/07/2021 16:09

I think at the very least his not be cooking, cleaning or washing his clothes for him. If he's not working then I'd be giving him a list of chore he needs to do. Only when these are don't would I start to do these things for him.

How does he afford to go out drinking if he's not working?

Original poster
Amiaeful86 · 18/07/2021 16:09

He just doesn’t respect me or our home! 4 weeks ago I paid for his motorcycle to be completely fixed and MOT’d so he could look for jobs and travel etc and the night he got it back he let his mate wheely it and smash it up with hundreds of pounds damage, again he lied about it but I saw the videos on social media so after about 5 hours he admitted it

OP posts:
yellowsofa · 18/07/2021 16:10

Bless you. That sounds dreadful. Is his Dad around? Or a relative that can help?
You need to cut off any money you give him firstly.

Original poster
Amiaeful86 · 18/07/2021 16:12

He had a weekend job until today when they fired him as was always phoning in sick and this weekend he stupidly posted on Facebook and his boss saw he was out last night!!
I stopped his washing weeks ago so now he just wears dirty clothes and stinks, I even tell him when the machine is empty. With regards to food I am at work all day and often come home to him having eaten the whole family meal to himself like a prepared lasagna he has had for lunch
And binned the rest

OP posts:
Original poster
Amiaeful86 · 18/07/2021 16:13

His dad has never been around which is why I think I have been soft and it’s hard as my husband can see how stressed it makes me as I work full time with 2 smaller ones.
After the bike thing I will not give him a single penny

OP posts:
princesslarmadrama · 18/07/2021 16:13

Is there a family members house or a mates house he can go to?

Original poster
Amiaeful86 · 18/07/2021 16:14

My mum won’t take him as my brother has moved back in after she downsized so is on her sofa already and she is sick of his attitude too (has stolen her and dads bank details too)

OP posts:
Micemakingclothes · 18/07/2021 16:14

My job is to support my child get a good education. If he isn’t focusing on his education he should be working and paying rent. It’s a matter of principle and teaching him responsibility for himself.

So yes, if he refuses to get a job and follow house rules he needs to leave.

Inthesameboatatmo · 18/07/2021 16:14

I would give him an ultimatum immediately.
He either bucks his idea up or goes,no way would I put up with this at all.
Do not do anything else for him at all he is more than capable of cooking ,cleaning up after himself and laundry, no money whatsoever from me .

IHaveBrilloHair · 18/07/2021 16:15

I kicked my then 17yr old out.
Two years on she's like a different person.
She moved in with her BF of then two and a half years, they're still together, now have their own flat and pets, she's excelling at college, and I honestly couldn't ask for a better daughter.
She's kind, generous, funny, caring and we love spending time together.

It was a drastic move and I still find it difficult to feel positive about it as I know I'll be judged, but I have no regrets.
She just wouldn't get her act together at home, and she'd had plenty of chances.

ChequerBoard · 18/07/2021 16:18

Sounds really tough OP.

Do you think he needs to cut ties with his 'friends', as they really aren't helping him make good life decisions? He sounds very immature and like he has no idea what he might want to do with his life.

Is there a family member or friend that lives in a different area that he could go and stay with for an extended period?

Difficult though as he is an adult and ultimately it's his choice whether to go or not.

Original poster
Amiaeful86 · 18/07/2021 16:18

His GF is moving across county next month for uni and even that hasn’t given him a kick to do something with his life - he thinks he can’t just do nothing and maybe someone may knock on my door and hand him a job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amiaeful86 · 18/07/2021 16:20

I don’t have anyone that would take him in all honesty and it’s making my unwell mentally.
My husband has had to take the younger 2 out for an hour as I am just so upset as everyday is another lie and battle.

OP posts:
IHaveBrilloHair · 18/07/2021 16:27

I didn't think Dd's bf would let her stay permanently, but tough shit, she wasn't living here anymore.
Lying, stealing, violence.
I think not.
He'll cope, or he won't, but it'll be the kick up the arse he needs when clearly nothing else has worked.

Marty13 · 18/07/2021 16:29

Hey OP. I came on this thread totally ready to say you were being unreasonable, but after reading yours posts I think you need to kick him out.

Why are you trying to sort out where he'll go ? This is his issue to fix.

You should tell him that he needs to be gone by (date). No more than a week because otherwise he'll just slink back into routine thinking it's not gonna happen. I'd tell him he must be gone by next weekend and carry through with it.

This doesn't mean you can't let him back in at some point in the future if you see it's necessary, but it should be a wake up call at the very least. Living in the street is what happens when you don't clean up your act.

My parents couldn't do it. My brother is still at home playing video games all day long, having never worked in his life. He is 29 this month.

ChequerBoard · 18/07/2021 16:37

Then I think you need to start some with some tough love conversations explaining that the way he is acting is affecting family life so badly that it cannot continue. Set a clear time frame to enable him to make plans and list out the things he needs to find answers to:

  • where will he live?
  • how will he support himself initially?
  • what is his plan - education/apprenticeship/job?
PartridgeFeather · 18/07/2021 16:39

You need to stand up to him and that's going to be hard for you OP but you need to, for all your sakes. Show him you deserve respect, as he is currently taking the piss.

He needs an urgent reality check and the way he's going, that'll be from the police before too long.

He is an adult who is stealing bank details. That's fraud, anyone else you'd report them, no?

I don't know whether the police give stern talks any more, but if my ds was an adult under my roof behaving like that, I would report him, even if the police did nothing about it.

In the meantime, present him with a bill for the damage to his room and the bike, to be deducted from his first wage packet of the job he cba to look for.

EL8888 · 18/07/2021 16:42

Yep he needs to go. One of the rules of my Mum’s house was you worked or studied. If you did neither then you had to leave. He needs to go, the constant lying and laziness l just couldn’t tolerate

RyanAirVeteran · 18/07/2021 16:43

Get him out.

Block his wifi access.

MeanderingGently · 18/07/2021 16:43

Stop paying for things, make him get up, give him jobs to do. And yes, kick him out.
I sat both my children down at 18 and gave them a choice...get a job and pay rent or leave....unless at University (in which case they had effectively left for most of the year anyway).
My son left, my daughter went to University. It made both of them grow up, they are both pleasant adults, shouldering their own responsibilities and jobs and accommodation.
Stop bailing your son out and letting him get away with it.

FreeBritnee · 18/07/2021 16:45

Wow! He needs to go live somewhere else for everyone’s sake.

Micemakingclothes · 18/07/2021 16:45

He should just be using his savings to rent a room.

If you feel like you can’t kick him out, then empty his room of everything but his bed. Then you can take one of two routes. Either give him an appropriate number of days to save up and prepare to get his own place or if you want to go a softer route, let him earn back the contents of his room.

BrilliantBetty · 18/07/2021 16:52

What would happen if you kicked him out. What does that look like?

You give him notice (what would be reasonable?), do you give him a deposit for a room / flat or is he flying solo.
Would he end up homeless, are you prepared for a phone call from the council asking you why he was evicted and if you'll take him back.

I would be considering it to... but you need a plan

TooWicked · 18/07/2021 16:52

I think you need to sit him down for a calm chat and tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to stay as of next week.

I would tell him that once you’ve both had a couple of weeks apart to consider your positions, you may review under what conditions you might allow him back home, but that’s not a given and you understand he may not wish to return under the new rules, so in the meantime needs to be sorting out something more permanent.

And you need to mean it.

Comedycook · 18/07/2021 16:57

Give him an ultimatum and stick to it. If he won't then kick him out, yes.

Oh and while he is living with you, do nothing for him. No cooking or laundry. Don't give him any money