To kick my 18 year old out

[Amiaeful86]

So I know it’s sounds harsh but I am seriously at my wits end.
He has finished college (was 2 days a week) and has no effort in finding a full time job and even when his college told him of apprenticeships he told me he applied but lied as he didn’t bother as forgot, despite me reminding him daily. He doesn’t do anything including put his washing in the basket so his newly decorated room is a disgusting mess. We spent thousands on his room- so new bed, mattress, carpets and everything was brand new after a long talk that he would look after it which he hasn’t - carpet is ruined and so is walls and furniture. We have had a hundred talks about bucking his ideas up and at 18 he is now capable of working and looking after his stuff.
This weekend his weekend job has sacked him as once again he phoned in sick despite being out with his mates drinking and posting it on social media so he is still in bed! He lies about everything and anything and isn’t allowed a computer console after more than once stealing my bank card details to buy add ons to games online so I spend my life checking my younger two haven’t left any money or there go Henry cards lying around and that my purse is locked in my bedroom.
Whenever we talk he cry’s and plays the victim that I don’t trust him but I how can I when he will stand and lie to face and when caught out just shrugges and says I don’t know. My youngest has ASD so finds this really stressful with 18 year old forgetting keys and hammering on door or trying to climb in bedroom windows and then him shouting and being verbally aggressive to me when I pull him up on it

Chuck him oh too.. he has to find his own way.

I moved out at 17… (my decision after a falling out with my alcoholic mother) she thought I’d come back with my tail between my legs … no chance. I was stubborn.

3 months after my 18th birthday I bought my first house with my then boyfriend. This was 22 years ago so much easier back then… but the fact of the matter is I had to grow up very quickly, found myself a stable job and still work there 20 years later. When I moved out, I had no idea how to use a washing machine, my then boyfriend and I had nothing except a bed which came from his mothers house.
I got by.
Moving out at 17 made me responsible and made me the independent person I am now.

So yes, I would throw him out..

Lemonroses You must be a great parent, that's a heart warming response

Why is it live with op or be homeless? Has this 18 year old not saved anything from his part-time job? Is he not capable of getting another job? If op gave him 30 or 60 days could he not save up enough of a deposit to rent a room? If he isn’t in school he should be working full-time and he could even get a second job if he is desperate for money since he has no responsibilities.

Well exactly, and at this point, who cares?
I certainly didn't.
It was completely toxic in my home and I was not prepared to put up with it any longer.

Just imagining if it was the OPs DP who had posted this and the responses he would get as the step parent but anyway.....

OP, will you literally be throwing him out on the street?

@PollyPepper

Just imagining if it was the OPs DP who had posted this and the responses he would get as the step parent but anyway.....

OP, will you literally be throwing him out on the street?

But it isn't. So moot point.

Nobody understands what it's like to live in an abusive relationship, when the abuser is your child.
They don't just hurt you, they hurt themselves and by letting them stay, you are enabling it, even though you desperately want to protect them.

He needs to apply for job seekers or whatever its called now if he's not working. Stop subbing him.

@Amiaeful86

We have had many calm talks about expectations and he nods and agrees in the right places but then does nothing. I will not be paying towards his bike again under any circumstances or giving him money. I have also done a job list where he can earn money etc and help out but that lasted a week and he binned it

You are giving him a chores list at 18? That is about 6 years too late and, as previous posters have said, he needs a proper kick up his arse.

I agree wholeheartedly @LemonRoses. It’s not the easy answer, nor a quick fix, but it’s the right one imho.

Are there any hostels near you, or within say 10 miles? YMCA might give him a room, and he can get benefits to help him sort himself out.
I don't see any improvement happening until you kick him out as he knows you're soft, so start looking for him!
The trouble with houses/flats is they always need deposits/bonds and often these can be 2 months rent, plus a guarantor - I definitely wouldn't want to be his guarantor after what you've told us!!!
Ask your council for help and also social services as, even tho he is 18, you have younger children who need to be considered now!!!
Inform him any more stealing and you will call the police, or he will just continue doing it!
You have to be harsh now, he is an adult and needs to start acting like one, or he will be tearing your family apart!!

Why are so many people against an 18 year old leaving home for a flat share?! A bunch of lads living together will have a great time! I’ve lived in some crappy places - one had a football sized hole in the roof where the rain got in, one sharing with 25 people, but it doesn’t matter when you’re that age.

My autistic brother wasted 10 years in his bedroom, failing at odd jobs, playing computer games and driving my mum round the bend. They were both a million times happier when he moved out. Yes there have been issues with housemates (or his car or his job) that we’ve had to help him with but he’s made the odd friend and been to social events and he’s more confident because he’s got the experience that comes with actually doing things and knowing your abilities. Sitting at home worrying about it all did not help. It blows it all out of proportion. He has been in work almost constantly since he moved out which is astonishing.

If you dropped dead tomorrow OP, he’d have to do this so you teaching him to do this with your support is a non issue. (This is what almost happened with us)

Think of how much better you will feel having the house back under control and having the time back for yourself. Not living under this cloud.

Op, speaking from experience - the fact there is ASD in the family really does need to be taken into consideration when deciding what to do with your son next. Am I suggesting he’s on the spectrum? Well, he could be but I think you’d have recognized it by now so I doubt he is. Could he be really struggling as the sibling of someone who is and the demands it can put on family life regardless of how good a parent is at doing Autism? Yes, I think it’s entirely possible. Am I making excuses for your sons behavior? No. Absolutely not. But, I do think there are things going on in the bigger picture that have got you all where you are today.

Would I throw my son out? No. I’d be more inclined to keep him closer and look at him/things differently, see him with a new eye, and see where it takes all of you.

I’d never throw my son out. There has to be a middle ground before going there. How will he manage with no job or money? This could damage your relationship for ever. I’m a single parent, my son is home from uni, hasn’t found a job and it’s driving me round the bend. He is still studying though and is doing an extra course online. He has unpaid voluntary work online too. He doesn’t have any friends and family to go to. I just have to accept for now that life can’t be perfect. Ive put all these years in to his life, I couldn’t just sling him out and I don’t think it’s realistic to do that.

@Tealwarrior

Op, speaking from experience - the fact there is ASD in the family really does need to be taken into consideration when deciding what to do with your son next. Am I suggesting he’s on the spectrum? Well, he could be but I think you’d have recognized it by now so I doubt he is. Could he be really struggling as the sibling of someone who is and the demands it can put on family life regardless of how good a parent is at doing Autism? Yes, I think it’s entirely possible. Am I making excuses for your sons behavior? No. Absolutely not. But, I do think there are things going on in the bigger picture that have got you all where you are today.

Would I throw my son out? No. I’d be more inclined to keep him closer and look at him/things differently, see him with a new eye, and see where it takes all of you.

Speaking from experience - as someone with ASC - I am fed up with armchair psychologists at MN.

The OP has outlined the reasons for her son's behaviour and none of them relate to ASC.

Please stop with the offensive posts about ASC.

You've mentioned a few times about being too soft. Maybe you need to keep him on for some additional parenting. Kicking him out might end badly as he seems to have no idea about how to take care of himself. I'd worry about him getting into trouble. He's a nightmare but he probably really needs you. Tough love, no money.
Only saying it because things went badly wrong for my 18 yo DBro when DM kicked him out (years ago)

Similar but not quite the same situation as you a few years ago. DS, 16 at the time, wasn't doing anything I asked (washing up after himself, getting a job, etc). New Years Day I had to go to Mums (an 8 hour round trip) and because he'd been awful the day before I told him I was taking the WiFi router. Well he didn't believe me, but I did. By the time I'd got to my Mums I'd had 15 messages saying he was moving to his Dad's (he'd not lived with him from 6 mths old and had sporadic contact at best) and a message from his Dad asking me what was going on. Normally I'd have called and tried to talk him down but I was so pissed off with him that I said 'ok then, do that' messaged his Dad to pick him up as soon as he can.

Four days later off he went to live with his Dad. Didn't speak with me for 3 months, and then I got a message about the fact his Dad had hit his step mum, and it went on. As soon as he was 18 he moved into a shared house, and then 6 months later moved near where we live but into a shared house. He is 20 now. We get on like a house on fire, but we can't live in the same house.

Where do you expect him to go if you kick him out? Tbh and probably brutal, this behaviour hasn't come from nowhere. As a parent you play a huge role in how your child behaves. So maybe think about that, rather than entirely blaming him.

You said you'd bern soft with him. Yet think it's acceptable to just abandon him? Do you really think this will help him achieve something with his life if he's homeless. I honestly have no idea what you're thinking.

Also you've said you moved out at 18, but had a child too? So did you get benefits? The world and access to jobs and housing is very different now.

OP This situation wont change unless you do. He isn't suddenly going to become responsible, hardworking and interested in cleaning up all the shit he leaves behind. He doesn't do these things because he doesn't have to. You are his safety net. Pull that safety net away! You will be amazed at his resilience and resourcefulness. He is manipulating you and will drive you slowly crazy. Dont let him. Start packing his bags.
By the way, why do posters here keep on asking if a relative would take him in?? Who the hell would want that shit and mess and disruption?? Why would anyone else want him in their house acting as if he is doing everyone a favour?

@Zerrin13

OP This situation wont change unless you do. He isn't suddenly going to become responsible, hardworking and interested in cleaning up all the shit he leaves behind. He doesn't do these things because he doesn't have to. You are his safety net. Pull that safety net away! You will be amazed at his resilience and resourcefulness. He is manipulating you and will drive you slowly crazy. Dont let him. Start packing his bags. By the way, why do posters here keep on asking if a relative would take him in?? Who the hell would want that shit and mess and disruption?? Why would anyone else want him in their house acting as if he is doing everyone a favour?

I couldn’t disagree more. Our (now forty something) foster son arrived unexpectedly as an incredibly challenging and hard to parent fifteen year old. The easiest thing in the world would have been to shut the door and not let him in. That would also have been a moral abdication and led to lifelong problems for him.

He was facing quite serious criminal charges that would usually lead to custodial sentences. He was truanting from his special school and frightened to go to his family home. The ‘ something to eat, sleep overnight and we’ll sort it in the morning’ was formalised and became years.

He learned to read so he could train as a motor mechanic, we found him a sympathetic placement. He grew through acceptance and his own efforts into a really lovely young man because he was in a safe and supportive place. He was an usher at our wedding and cared for our toddler when our next baby was born. No more crime. He got his driving licence back in time to learn to drive legally.

Now he has his own reasonably successful business and owns his house outright. He’ll never make a fortune but the wolves are kept for the door. He’s a good lad who just need time to find the right path.

But the OP's son isn't 15 and he isn't
ooking in anyway to be fostered! He is 18!
He has a loving mother who has given enormous support and understanding. There has to be a limit!

Most of us don’t turn 18 and suddenly become a fully functioning adult. For some it’s sooner and some a lot later. Slinging him out on the streets won’t help. When I was young I had one friend this happened to. He had good savings, all were spent. He then lived rough or sofa surfed for years. He obviously had problems he needed help with. Maybe he was just a wastrel but his father - it was the father who decided - lacked all compassion.

So he didn’t come home last night so no opportunity to talk to him.
I don’t want to kick him out but I am at my wits end and it’s impacting my other children and my marriage and it’s hard to defend his behaviour when he is like this. I have wondered if there was any additional needs when he was little and was told there wasn’t and his poor memory was a factor of being so premature and a few small bleeds on his brain and rarely do babies that premature walk away with nothing at all.
He is a lot older then my other DC and they adore him and he adores them and is mindful of there needs and will do things like take them to the park etc. He has never been in trouble with the police and doesn’t smoke or do drugs ( that I am aware of) so I can’t say everything is awful but his lack of respect and behaviour is taking a toll- 2 days last week on the way home from work I cried coming home to this environment

I think what you need is some advice to get him better organised and motivated and at least to do his share around the house. Throwing him out won’t do that and we all know housing is a nightmare these days.