To kick my 18 year old out

[Amiaeful86]

So I know it’s sounds harsh but I am seriously at my wits end.
He has finished college (was 2 days a week) and has no effort in finding a full time job and even when his college told him of apprenticeships he told me he applied but lied as he didn’t bother as forgot, despite me reminding him daily. He doesn’t do anything including put his washing in the basket so his newly decorated room is a disgusting mess. We spent thousands on his room- so new bed, mattress, carpets and everything was brand new after a long talk that he would look after it which he hasn’t - carpet is ruined and so is walls and furniture. We have had a hundred talks about bucking his ideas up and at 18 he is now capable of working and looking after his stuff.
This weekend his weekend job has sacked him as once again he phoned in sick despite being out with his mates drinking and posting it on social media so he is still in bed! He lies about everything and anything and isn’t allowed a computer console after more than once stealing my bank card details to buy add ons to games online so I spend my life checking my younger two haven’t left any money or there go Henry cards lying around and that my purse is locked in my bedroom.
Whenever we talk he cry’s and plays the victim that I don’t trust him but I how can I when he will stand and lie to face and when caught out just shrugges and says I don’t know. My youngest has ASD so finds this really stressful with 18 year old forgetting keys and hammering on door or trying to climb in bedroom windows and then him shouting and being verbally aggressive to me when I pull him up on it

Personally, I would give him a long period of notice. That way there is no panicking, no feeling kicked out, he can even carry on as he is for a few days bar the stealing etc. honestly.

Say, you will give him until 30 September by which time he MUST either be in a full time job (35+ hours) or studying plus a part-time job.

Say that you will not hassle him about this but that you are there to help in whatever way you can in the meantime.

Say that he will be out immediately if there is:

Any stealing
Drugs
Abusive behaviour towards anyone
Serious breach of house rules on tidiness, laundry etc.

Say that if he stays as of 30 September you will be taking board from him at an amount to be decided.

This way you are giving him the opportunity of a stable home, chance to bum about one last bit, chance to have a go at sorting this out for himself.

You're not kicking him out now, but you will be if he doesn't sort himself out.

My BIL was like this and still is at 32. Endless problems for my MIL. Various family members have helped him get starts in jobs which he has messed up.

He came to us - same old same old. We told him the above but with a fortnights notice under the circumstances. He was gone in 3 days but we didn't kick him out...

My period of notice was years long really, including 14 months in care and twice with a friends family for a month each, nothing ever changed.

I really feel for you, but I also feel that there is probably more to this than your son just being horrible.

You say his dad has never been on the scene so presumably your husband is his stepdad and younger children his half siblings? Even if your partner is wonderful and treats him as his own the absence of his own dad could be affecting his behaviour. I don’t think it’s unusual for issues like this to spring up during the teen years if kids haven’t had a secure relationship with both parents (at least if my family is anything to go by!).

Would family therapy be an option? Clearly you can’t continue like this but I don’t think throwing him out is the answer either. Being 18 might make him a legal adult but he is still so young.

This is awful. I think he needs to either get a job and contribute or leave. I know it is so hard to do.

But when he is working properly and finds out how much things cost he will change. It is so upsetting for you having done everything for him.

You can't make them get a job, you can't make them do anything, or stop them doing anything, that's the problem.
As long as they have a place to come back to with food/heat/light/WiFi it will carry on.
You can't take it away without depriving yourself or risking violence.

That's just not my life now, it's completely different as I said no and meant it.

Ah yes, Dd's Dad left when she was 6 weeks old, that justified her stealing my money constantly, tipping me out of bed to check I'd not hidden anything under my mattress, hitting my head off a radiator, pushing me to the floor and kicking me, breaking my glasses whilst I was wearing them, stealing my car keys and opening all of the windows overnight, locking me out of the house, and that's the tip of the iceberg.
Enough, or would the family therapy work,

She's got a A for her year at college, has a rented flat with her Boyfriend of 4 and a half years, they cook, they clean, they have two cats and a snake,she is in touch with me daily.
This just would not have happened if I'd continued.
I did what I did for us both.
I'll be seeing her on Thursday, we'll probably have a mooch in the park and then JustEat Japanese food for dinner.
That was unimaginable 2 years ago.

I'm not sure to be honest. These are the 18 year olds who are now in their 30's left homeless on the streets. You may run the risk of him not talking to you for a long time. Plus, boys, have it tough on the streets.

Mine didn't talk to me for two months, several times, and?

Also, he's not a boy, he's a man, and when you say, "boys have it tough", girls have it easy do they?
Honestly, there is no support for mothers in abusive relationships with their sons or daughters you can't just escape, and even if you want to get out, you'll be judged.

I'm not sure why so many posters try to guilt trip mothers into maintaining homes for abusive grown children, it seems to be the new wife-blaming mentality.
Let's not mince words, the OP is being abused, and guilt tripping her into accepting and maintaining the situation is immoral and dangerous. She has become desperately unhappy in her own home because of the behaviour of her son. He needs to go and it really is that simple.

Any family harm help service will have dozens of clients who are dealing with appalling abuse from teenagers like the OP's.

I bet all the abusive teen apologists in here have zero experience in such a situation.

Exactly, and in my experience, the professionals don't listen, they blame you, they gaslight you, and you get to a point where you have no idea which way is up.

I was lucky to have supportive friends, and now, Dd knows I did what I did for her aswell as me.
It didn't happen overnight and I know in future it'll probably be brought up, but I have absolutely no regrets.
She's a wonderful girl, always was but was hurting me, and herself and I couldn't let that continue.

@IHaveBrilloHair

Exactly, and in my experience, the professionals don't listen, they blame you, they gaslight you, and you get to a point where you have no idea which way is up.

Sorry to hear that

I guess I was lucky. Police were fantastic, had v kind but firm talks with my wayward teen, referred us both to help services. I was advised to kick them out which I did. They didn't speak to me for best part of 9 months, can't pretend it was easy, but within a year was back, passed final exams and had landed a fantastic job. We get along great now.

They had v stern talks with Dd.
She just didn't care.
It was so, so hard, everyday was awful.

It's just so different now, she's my daughter but also a great friend, (appropriately), we chat, we laugh and being scared of her is just in the distant past.

Give him a week to find a job or somewhere to live then change the locks.

If you are worried about him being on the street buy him a tent, with the weather like this he'll be fine with only a tent.

Rent him space in the garden for his tent. If you are physically able to get him out of the house you could let him use the bathroom once a day.

No job
No transport (mbike)
Girlfriend gone to uni

He does have somewhere to live
He does have family support
He needs to build on this
At 18, he needs to realise that he is an adult m
now

He has never been in trouble with the police

Surely, this is only because you and his grandparents haven’t reported him. He’s not law abiding. He steals from you.

I haven't read the whole of OP's post.
It didn't come across that her son was abusive. I felt it was more the case that he son was lazy, no job, no motivation, no helping around the house. If this is the case, I wouldn't kick my son out. This is my personal view. I would instead stop enabling him, paying for things, stop making dinner etc and start charging him.

The only way that my own children will be kicked out of my house is if they are abusive to future partners or they are physically abusing me. No way would I have that. But I would pay for private mental health support to avoid that... if after I try everything and they are still being abusive, then bye bye.

I haven't read the whole of OP's post.
It didn't come across that her son was abusive.

perhaps you should... he steals from them is aggressive etc

I left home just before I was 18 and moved into a shared house. I was already working and just needed to get away from my stepmother. It was the best thing ever.
I do wonder whether your sun has some additional needs due to his prematurity and brain bleeds etc? An inability to organise and motivate himself? That said, the abuse is not acceptable. I wouldn't 'kick him out' but I would be telling him he needs to find a job or study and/or somewhere else to live.

Dear OP,
I had a son like this. Here are two pieces of advice I have for you.

1. You and your husband should go to family counseling immediately. You should go to counseling if your husband won't go.
2. You should make your husband responsible for dealing with your son. When your kid is at that age he is full of testosterone. The fact that he took a lasagna you made for the whole family, ate a big chunk of it and threw the rest in the trash is a big red flag. Watch out for escalations such as him standing in doorways and not letting you leave rooms, etc. It sounds as if you are the one trying to decide whether or not your child should stay. Your husband should be the one teaching his male child behaves as a man at this point. He should be teaching his son how to respect women, especially his mother. He should never allow his son to be disrespectful to his mother. You and your husband really need to stick together, because those little bastards love to divide and conquer at that age. I know this sounds strange and maybe corny, but 18 year old men can be dangerous to their mothers, and if you have a husband who cares, this can become his shining moment. He can really come into his own as a parent in a way that fathers of young children often don't.

I can also tell you that these young men can turn around. My son, now in his late 20s, is wonderful. But the late teens and early 20s--horrible.

You are doing him no favours by enabling his childish behaviour.

It is having a negative effect on the rest of the household.

YANBU to chuck him out. Stealing money makes this an absolute no brainer IMO.

@PrincessNutella OP’s husband is not his father so I’m not sure he’d have any more success than OP at managing his behaviour.

You need the help of your husband regardless of him being his dad or not.

I’m surprised he is putting up with this without doing nothing or tolerating him in the house. He may not be his dad but I suppose he is contributing to his upkeep (he may not be giving him pocket money but I suppose he pays a big chunk of the household expenses?)