To kick my 18 year old out

[Amiaeful86]

So I know it’s sounds harsh but I am seriously at my wits end.
He has finished college (was 2 days a week) and has no effort in finding a full time job and even when his college told him of apprenticeships he told me he applied but lied as he didn’t bother as forgot, despite me reminding him daily. He doesn’t do anything including put his washing in the basket so his newly decorated room is a disgusting mess. We spent thousands on his room- so new bed, mattress, carpets and everything was brand new after a long talk that he would look after it which he hasn’t - carpet is ruined and so is walls and furniture. We have had a hundred talks about bucking his ideas up and at 18 he is now capable of working and looking after his stuff.
This weekend his weekend job has sacked him as once again he phoned in sick despite being out with his mates drinking and posting it on social media so he is still in bed! He lies about everything and anything and isn’t allowed a computer console after more than once stealing my bank card details to buy add ons to games online so I spend my life checking my younger two haven’t left any money or there go Henry cards lying around and that my purse is locked in my bedroom.
Whenever we talk he cry’s and plays the victim that I don’t trust him but I how can I when he will stand and lie to face and when caught out just shrugges and says I don’t know. My youngest has ASD so finds this really stressful with 18 year old forgetting keys and hammering on door or trying to climb in bedroom windows and then him shouting and being verbally aggressive to me when I pull him up on it

I would not evict him, but everything short of it.
Ge has to cook and clean for himself. I would not fix his bike, neither give him a penny. For anything.
Neither would he have any access to any online source. And no phone.
Basically, he will have to work for everything but the roof over his head, and the ckothes he already owns.
If not outside the house, doing house chores, and properly done.

once they hit 18 get them out, you don't want useless KIPPERS leeching off you I know it sounds harsh but the longer you leave it the harder it will be to shift him hes an adult time for him to stand on his own two feet..get the house locks changed and put a good lock on his former bedroom

We have had many calm talks about expectations and he nods and agrees in the right places but then does nothing. I will not be paying towards his bike again under any circumstances or giving him money.
I have also done a job list where he can earn money etc and help out but that lasted a week and he binned it

This might sound harsh, but it sounds like you’re enabling this behaviour. Why are you paying for his motorcycle? I’d sell it without asking him and put it towards his board. I’d take away his keys and if he’s not home by X time I’d refuse to let him in the house - might be hard the first few times but sleeping outside will soon get old. Remove everything from his bedroom that you’ve paid for, don’t pay for anything for him. If he wants to stink and doesn’t wash his clothes, fine. But I’d cut him off financially in every single way; don’t buy him food and explain that if he doesn’t have a job by X date he needs to move out. And stick to it.

Op, they have a higher need for firm rules when dad is not around. DS is not half as bad but he knows I am nit a person to mess with.

He started arriving very late every night, the talk was short:

1. he needed to see how his behaviour was affecting my sleep and performance at work.
2. he said he was 18 and an adult therefore I didn’t have a say on what he does.
3. I said, that’s so true and you are right, you are an adult and can do as you please. This also means I am not legally responsible to have you here, feed you or put a roof over your head. So you stay under xyz rules of find somewhere to live by the weekend.

Worked like a charm, but then he believed me because I have never put up with any nonsense.

I wouldn't accept this. He's an adult and needs to grow up but he can't do that whilst he relys on other people too much

I agree with @Chequerboard. You need a staged plan. I don't think he'll cope just being chucked out and then that might mean you get caught in a cycle with him.

@TooWicked

I think you need to sit him down for a calm chat and tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to stay as of next week.

I would tell him that once you’ve both had a couple of weeks apart to consider your positions, you may review under what conditions you might allow him back home, but that’s not a given and you understand he may not wish to return under the new rules, so in the meantime needs to be sorting out something more permanent.

And you need to mean it.

This.

Practice the speech beforehand it's perfect.

OP when it gets to the stage your mental health is affected you have no real choice hon.

You need to stay in shape for younger ones and yourself.

@BrilliantBetty

What would happen if you kicked him out. What does that look like?

You give him notice (what would be reasonable?), do you give him a deposit for a room / flat or is he flying solo.
Would he end up homeless, are you prepared for a phone call from the council asking you why he was evicted and if you'll take him back.

I would be considering it to... but you need a plan

This is a great post.

How far are you prepared to allow him to fall? What if you kick him out and he doesn't buck his ideas up? What if he ends up on the streets?

I'm not saying don't do it, I'm not in your shoes, but I volunteer with a charity that works with the homeless and I can't imagine anything that my DC could do that would make me accept that being homeless is any better.

I would ask him to leave. He's not setting a good example for his siblings and he's even stealing.
You've done a lot for him already!

I cannot imagine any scenario where I would ‘kick’ my child out. YABVVU

I do not want to sound harsh but agree with previous posts that you are enabling his behaviour.You are approaching this as if he is still a young teen - a job list which enables him to earn money - he is past the pocket money stage. He also did not need his bike fixing in order to get a job (he needed to keep his job). As a young adult sharing your home he should be studying or working and taking share of the jobs around the house. If he is not going to do that then he needs to live elsewhere.

Id sit down and tell him, buck up or move out. He's 18, not a child, he's an adult and needs to be responsible

My son was in Afghanistan at 18 with the RAF, I wouldn't of dreamt if letting himself act like a child

@Antwerpen

I cannot imagine any scenario where I would ‘kick’ my child out. YABVVU

How would you address this situation?

@Antwerpen

I cannot imagine any scenario where I would ‘kick’ my child out. YABVVU

Even after multiple credit card thefts, let alone the turmoil he causes the rest of the family?

You must have a lot more money to throw at a problem than OP does.

Honestly, most kids that act like shits do NOT have ASD. And most kids who have ASD do not behave like that either.

Op, treat him like an adult, he pulls his weight or leaves. No pocket money, no servicing his needs or his bike and if he continues to damage the house warn him that you are changing the locks.

@Antwerpen

I cannot imagine any scenario where I would ‘kick’ my child out. YABVVU

And what of the other children whose lives are being impacted by his attitude and aggression? Whose mum is exhausted and at the end of her tether?

@Antwerpen

I cannot imagine any scenario where I would ‘kick’ my child out. YABVVU

How old are your children?

Another one who was going to say you were being unreasonable until I read it.

He needs a massive reality check / kick up the arse.

I would absolutely kick him out. Give him a date to be gone by, as a pp said, no more than a week. But you need to do it in such a way that he knows you're serious. It needs to be different to your other conversations somehow.

Eugh. What are his options? Forces, apprenticeship, some sort of job with accommodation? So much of the usual support is online- do you have Prince’s Trust nearby?

I haven't RTFT but you've enabled his entitled behaviour and it won't stop until you enforce boundaries. He's living the life of Riley and you're funding it.

Give him a timescale, lay out what he needs to do and if not, he'll be out on his arse. And do it. Because he's mugging you off something horrendous.

I agree with PPs that you need to have a clear plan. You don't want him to be homeless, nor do you want the worry or the guilt that being abrupt would give you.

I think having a clear idea of what kind of support you're willing to give him would be a good idea.

So, for instance, many flats won't let you rent without proof of income (or with a co-signer who has that income). So are you willing to cosign, even with the dangers to your own credit that can cause? If they don't require the income check, would you be willing to cover the deposit and rent for a couple months, making it clear that he's on his own after that?

Figure this out, and then have a very, very calm conversation with him where you explain this. I don't think you should use it as a threat, though. Not a "if your behaviour doesn't improve, X will happen." I'd just tell him that this is how it's going to be. It's a decision, not a negotiation.

In my experience most - though by no means all - young people begin to realize that life has left them behind when their friends all go off to uni or get full-time jobs. I wouldn't be surprised if things start to look very stark for him by October.

The majority of the men in my family are like this.
My brother is terrible. You think you’re helping him get back on his feet but then a year later, he’s still unemployed in your spare room in his 30s and you realise you’re just enabling.
It’s so easy to fall into.

Contact the local youth homeless shelters and ask about the route he needs to take so he is not sleeping on the streets. What benefits does he need to apply for? Which housing corporations will house him etc?

Then give him his notice.