To kick my 18 year old out

[Amiaeful86]

So I know it’s sounds harsh but I am seriously at my wits end.
He has finished college (was 2 days a week) and has no effort in finding a full time job and even when his college told him of apprenticeships he told me he applied but lied as he didn’t bother as forgot, despite me reminding him daily. He doesn’t do anything including put his washing in the basket so his newly decorated room is a disgusting mess. We spent thousands on his room- so new bed, mattress, carpets and everything was brand new after a long talk that he would look after it which he hasn’t - carpet is ruined and so is walls and furniture. We have had a hundred talks about bucking his ideas up and at 18 he is now capable of working and looking after his stuff.
This weekend his weekend job has sacked him as once again he phoned in sick despite being out with his mates drinking and posting it on social media so he is still in bed! He lies about everything and anything and isn’t allowed a computer console after more than once stealing my bank card details to buy add ons to games online so I spend my life checking my younger two haven’t left any money or there go Henry cards lying around and that my purse is locked in my bedroom.
Whenever we talk he cry’s and plays the victim that I don’t trust him but I how can I when he will stand and lie to face and when caught out just shrugges and says I don’t know. My youngest has ASD so finds this really stressful with 18 year old forgetting keys and hammering on door or trying to climb in bedroom windows and then him shouting and being verbally aggressive to me when I pull him up on it

@Antwerpen

I cannot imagine any scenario where I would ‘kick’ my child out. YABVVU

Really? So, you wouldn't protect a younger child who was suffering because of your inability to act? OP, this sound incredibly hard. You need to cut of all funds and that includes paying for things for him.

Get tough with him, keep nagging him to check for jobs and apply for them, remind him that if he doesn’t find work he will be kicked out. There are lots of jobs about at the moment as people are short staffed, especially in hospitality with the summer holidays starting. Give him a dead line to find work and a dead line to sort his room out.

I have a 17 year old who’s probably going to be similar, she’s pretty lazy and thinks things will just land in her lap (work, uni place etc..). I have to constantly nag her to do things.

He does need a reality check.
The stealing and lying is the worst aspect of all this. You can’t trust him, and without trust the relationship breaks down.

Make him leave for the temporary 2 weeks, but make it clear he bucks his ideas up after that 2 week break or he goes permanently.
He should be able to sofa surf with friends for 2 weeks and it’ll give him time to think and reflect on how his behaviour impacts you etc.

We had to make our eldest leave the family home at the age of eighteen, he didn’t comply with any boundaries or ultimatiums. We had two younger children also at home and I needed to safeguard them. I phoned the Police when he was verbally aggressive towards me, as nobody should feel scared in their own home, I stopped enabling him, as he needed to feel the consequences of his poor choices.
Fortunately, he was housed in supported housing specifically for young people where he received support and responded well to strict boundaries. Not all council areas offer this sort of provision for young people. Fast forward a few years, he’s now about to complete his uni degree and is about to start a part time job. He lives in a different city, in a housing association flat. He actually thanked us for throwing him out! as he said he would be wouldn’t be the the man he is, if we hadn’t shown him tough love.

Take his keys away and send him off to sign on as unemployed and homeless.
He deserves it.

But be prepared for him coming back and breaking in, so get cctv first.

Nothing will change, as things are.

Is he taking drugs ?
It can make them spiral down like this.

Tough love - is there anywhere in the family he can go ?

Time for you to give him notice and follow through. If he doesn't make the effort to get a job and his own accommodation then he will have to look for live-in work or apply to one of the services, although they probably wouldn't someone with his attitude. Bottom line though is he needs to go.

My youngest has ASD

@Amiaeful86 is it possible your 18 year old is on the spectrum/ ADHD? Only asking as he sounds very much like my DS who is a similar age, right down to the apprenticeship not being applied for.
What was he like during school? Any similar issues then or just since leaving school & being out in the big world so to speak?

He is out of control in my experience they only get worse when put out, he might still insist on hitting rock bottom under your roof.
I'd give him a strong warning this time.

I was going to ask if he is on weed as well .

Tough love

Happened to my niece. Stealing etc . She got chucked out and princes trust turned her round . Well that was until she met a waster but that’s another story .

@Amiaeful86

We have had many calm talks about expectations and he nods and agrees in the right places but then does nothing. I will not be paying towards his bike again under any circumstances or giving him money. I have also done a job list where he can earn money etc and help out but that lasted a week and he binned it

Kick him out. It won't end well if you don't.

You need to be cruel to be kind, don't enable him.

Problem with threads like this is yes everyone says,yes kick him out all bluster.they don’t deal with the actuality of it
If he’s kicked out where does he go?
How will he get a flat share? Who’ll pay the deposit?and it’ll need to be within HB threshold
Who helps him move & takes him to new accommodation
Does he present to council as homeless? Then what? General needHostels are oversubscribed & you need street smarts to be in a hostel to get by
How do you manage it with youngest boy that his brother is gone?
Does he stay with you in meantime whilst he Flat hunts or do you mean go and go immediately

It’ll irrevocably change your relationship with your 18yo

I’m not saying don’t,I’m simply saying it’s not as easy as say go and he’s gone

@GrandmaSteglitszch

Take his keys away and send him off to sign on as unemployed and homeless. He deserves it.

But be prepared for him coming back and breaking in, so get cctv first.

Nothing will change, as things are.

Change the locks.

Haha, like plans work, or rules, or giving them bills.
When they're violent?
Nope.
They'll sink or swim, but currently he's doing neither, he's floating, whilst you inadvertently support it and put the rest of the family through it.

Being harsh got me my Daughter back.

Again, bluster
Get cctv? Ahh yes get the 24/7 service the keep my son out service
Is op prepared to call police when he attempts to gain entry? See him cautioned. It’ll show up on enhanced police check in future. Potentially affect employability
Being made homeless is a really big deal. Local authority have scarce resources, where is he going to go?

Are you sure there aren't MH issues involved? To be lazy, not want to get or keep a job, not contributing to the household, maybe even lying to avoid hassle - none of that's great but it's not that unusual. But don't his girlfriend and friends mind that he smells? And isn't it a bit weird that he threw the leftover lasagne away (a really lazy person would just have left it on the table for someone else to clean up)? And the repeated stealing - from his grandparents, even! - is definitely a problem.

It seems like you've given him every chance and been very lenient and generous with him. At this point I don't see how you could trust him to change just by laying out consequences. You've already done that. And it's pretty clear he doesn't (or maybe can't) care how his behaviour impacts anyone else.The situation seems miserable for you and it has to be unpleasant for your whole houshold - especially for your younger children who have no option but to put up with whatever the oldest one wants.

If he does leave, would he not likely stay with his girlfriend or one of his drinking buddies short-term? (Not sure if any of them are on their own, or all still with parents.)

I do feel for you, I’m strongly of the opinion that throwing them out should only be last resort but I think you are there.

@Antwerpen

I cannot imagine any scenario where I would ‘kick’ my child out. YABVVU

I think stealing from your mother and grandparents is a prime reason to be kicked out. At 18 he is an adult not a child

I put my 20 year old out.
We had come to the end of negotiating, bribing, making excuses and stand up rows.
I was working my butt off for a lazy sod who was lying in the sofa all day doing nothing, and it had to end.
They lived. They learned. And they didn't blame me.

At this stage you are enabling him so - tough as it is - he needs to go.

@Amiaeful86

We have had many calm talks about expectations and he nods and agrees in the right places but then does nothing. I will not be paying towards his bike again under any circumstances or giving him money. I have also done a job list where he can earn money etc and help out but that lasted a week and he binned it

What have you done to address your own behaviour and to take responsibility for the part you have played in creating and sustaining this dynamic? Blaming him for everything is easy, but inaccurate.

You keep saying one thing with your calm lectures then go off and do the complete opposite. Telling him to buck up and value money but then chucking thousands of pounds at him like it's nothing. What is the lesson there?

Your words may say one thing but your actions shout the opposite.

Does he have the same dad as his brothers? Or has he grown up with an absent father but siblings who have a present father?

Either way, he wouldn't be the first child to feel so rejected by an absent father that they try to push everyone else away so that they will "hurry up and admit they don't want me either".

You acknowledge yourself you overcompensated and didn't know how to support him with his dad's absence. The answer to that isn't to wash your hands of him now that those mistakes have come home to roost.

I think it would be unethical to put all the blame on him for the way he's been let down - whether deliberately by his father or inadvertently by you - by the adults in his life. It certainly wouldn't be effective to motivate him.

It's uncomfortable to face up to your role and responsibility in this, so I expect you'll be defensive. Denial and defensiveness won't get you anywhere though. I'm not judging you, I can see you tried your best and had positive intentions, but now is the time to reflect, acknowledge the mistakes and change.

Your son sounds angry at the world and like he hates himself so much he's trying to self-destruct. I can see how he could have come to feel that way. He doesn't need you to reject him too.

I'm sorry, this disrespectful behaviour hasn't happened overnight; you've had 18 years to lick him into shape and have been far too lenient with him. Yes, pack his stuff and put it on the lawn. That might shake him into sorting himself out, but l doubt it, so he will have to see if any mates will have him or contact the council for somewhere to live. He's an adult now so not your responsibility and he's a bad influence on younger ones.

Fortunately, he was housed in supported housing specifically for young people where he received support and responded well to strict boundaries.

How was that accessed? Application ? Assessment ? Referral? Eligibility conditions? Waiting list period?

How would the op find that sort of provision? What type of scheme was it? Who would she need to speak to? What would she tell them she was looking for?

Do you have a shed/garage that you could convert into a tiny house/studio type so he has his space and not raiding your stuff but he is not on the the streets?
I don't know whats' going home but perhaps if he finds another job he can settle and work out his problems.