To kick my 18 year old out

[Amiaeful86]

So I know it’s sounds harsh but I am seriously at my wits end.
He has finished college (was 2 days a week) and has no effort in finding a full time job and even when his college told him of apprenticeships he told me he applied but lied as he didn’t bother as forgot, despite me reminding him daily. He doesn’t do anything including put his washing in the basket so his newly decorated room is a disgusting mess. We spent thousands on his room- so new bed, mattress, carpets and everything was brand new after a long talk that he would look after it which he hasn’t - carpet is ruined and so is walls and furniture. We have had a hundred talks about bucking his ideas up and at 18 he is now capable of working and looking after his stuff.
This weekend his weekend job has sacked him as once again he phoned in sick despite being out with his mates drinking and posting it on social media so he is still in bed! He lies about everything and anything and isn’t allowed a computer console after more than once stealing my bank card details to buy add ons to games online so I spend my life checking my younger two haven’t left any money or there go Henry cards lying around and that my purse is locked in my bedroom.
Whenever we talk he cry’s and plays the victim that I don’t trust him but I how can I when he will stand and lie to face and when caught out just shrugges and says I don’t know. My youngest has ASD so finds this really stressful with 18 year old forgetting keys and hammering on door or trying to climb in bedroom windows and then him shouting and being verbally aggressive to me when I pull him up on it

Had this exactly from my son, just the same, trashed his room Id done up for him, swore at me, never helped sat on xbox all day, eventually got him a flat through homeless charity he moved out at 18 and seemed ok

A few years later he moved back home, everything went back to same behaviour at age 24 , abusive, swearing etc. I had to search for a job for him and also a flat, he moved out again,

I had 2 younger disabled children to look after as well,

He is now 29 and has been away ever since and seems calmer and more settled,

@EspressoDoubleShot well I never received any input from children services. I went to the council office, they phoned my mum and asked her was there no way I could come home? She said no and then they placed me in a hostel, I was then moved from that one to a further 4 during the 8 months. I received Jobseeker's Allowance, the minimum amount and had no other support.

OP, this sounds very difficult and you have my sympathies. As you acknowledged, you've spoilt your oldest and now it is time to take a harder line, which is going to be difficult for both of you.

My suggestion would be to ask him to come up with a plan that has deadlines and consequences. For example, he has four weeks in which to find a job or an apprenticeship. If he can't or won't, he is out. If, within the four weeks gets - and keeps - a job / apprenticeship he contributes to the household expenses and observes household rules. If he can't or won't, he is out.

Your husband needs to support you on this so that you provide a united front.

I can’t quite believe some people on here actually suggesting throwing yet thousands more pounds at the ungrateful little shit, to create him a lovely little annexed home. Fucking hell. Speaking from middle class privilege or what? He trashed his brand new bedroom, why wouldn’t he wreck his spanking new annexe too?

My brother in law was at home til 45. We then forcefully encouraged him to buy a house. He was able to do the outright as her never paid for anything for 45 years. Yes, that’s right. He paid for nothing. No rent, no food, no clothes. My parents in law let him have the best seat in the house. I once heard him say, when presented with a snack by mother in law, ‘take that away and bring me something more appetising’. My point is. People need boundaries. For their own Good. My brother in law is now in a lovely home alone unable to get it decorated or furnished. The garden is a mess. He’s loaded but lacks the skills to sort things out. Back to your post…… This boyo needs a reality check for his own good. Tough love!

Can I aks how he gets on with your DH and whether your DH supports you?

I am another one who would throw him out under the same circumstances. My DS had to do the same with my niece who went into a hostel and got support to get a housing association flat and is not settled and doing well.

I would also research the homeless provision in the area so you could at least give him a phone number and point him in the right direction. Living in a hostel with only universal credit to live on might give him a sharp wake up call. It doesn't need your relationship with him has to end, you can still give him limited support to help him get on his feet.

He needs tough love OP, or not tough love because you must be sick to your teeth of him.

I firmly believe no one person gets to rule the house.

Pack his bags and get him out of the house.
Call the policebif he decides to cause a scene.

He is over 18 and has no entitlement to your home.

Your poor children witnessing such drama.

Do it now when the shock.might get him to cop on, otherwise you could have 5+ more years of this.

Tell him you are done.
He needs to move on as he clearly isn't happy in his home.

Reclaim the bedroom so that he never can return to that room.

He needs a dose of reality.

Unfortunately in life we often get the amount of shit that we will put up with.

Say No more, and mean it.
You sound like a great mum, but he needs a dose of real life, fast.

I think some of you are being very tough with the OPs son- I'm wondering if you'd genuinely take that stance with your own...

I did take that stance with my own when she was a year younger.

I would definitely sell his bike to recoup some of the money you invested in it, and to show him that you're serious.

Read the OP's posts.

He is causing havoc and upsetting her other children with his behaviour.

Yes I would do it.

No one person in a family should be allowed cause grief and havoc through deliberately selfish behaviour.

Kick him out. My mum kicked me out at 18 after I had yet another massive party in her house. I couch surfed for 6 months then got a student flat and it was absolutely fine. I couldn't be closer to my mum now, we speak multiple times a day and I probably spend more time with her than all of my friends put together. It will probably feel awful - I can't imagine throwing my horrible teen out (yet) - but honestly it will probably be the making of him

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like you have reached breaking point, and things must now change.

Whatever you decide to do, rest assured you know that you tried everything for him.

The brain,particularly that of young males does not fuse until the early 20's.
Only a psychopath can fake actual tears.
Something seriously wrong here.

I think it’s really sad to consider treating an only just out of childhood youngster this way.
Of course you don’t throw him out. You tell him you love him every day. You tell him he will grow into a man you are proud of. You find things to praise.
They don’t suddenly change at eighteen. They still need kind, loving, tolerant and forgiving parents.

That’s almost as hard as parenting can get, but it’s the only way.

Set clear boundaries. Stop the handouts. Stop being a doormat, but don’t stop him knowing you love him unconditionally. In time his bedroom can be redecorated and in the meantime he can live in a hovel of his making. His choice.
Why has he even got a motorcycle? Why you encourage and support something so dangerous when he was a child? Stop funding that now.
Give him food and drink but nothing else.
If he wants dirty clothes, let someone else tell him he smells. There are worse crimes.

At the moment he needs to feel safe and loved. You can give him that as he adjusts to adulthood. Throwing him out seems easy but won’t be. It will be very damaging for you all.

I assume he isn’t clinically depressed?

Fridge lock
He needs to go, OP, sorry. Whether or not you have facilitated this behaviour (according to an unhelpful pp) is not the point. He’s taking the piss, big time.

@LemonRoses

I think it’s really sad to consider treating an only just out of childhood youngster this way. Of course you don’t throw him out. You tell him you love him every day. You tell him he will grow into a man you are proud of. You find things to praise. They don’t suddenly change at eighteen. They still need kind, loving, tolerant and forgiving parents.

That’s almost as hard as parenting can get, but it’s the only way.

Set clear boundaries. Stop the handouts. Stop being a doormat, but don’t stop him knowing you love him unconditionally. In time his bedroom can be redecorated and in the meantime he can live in a hovel of his making. His choice.
Why has he even got a motorcycle? Why you encourage and support something so dangerous when he was a child? Stop funding that now.
Give him food and drink but nothing else.
If he wants dirty clothes, let someone else tell him he smells. There are worse crimes.

At the moment he needs to feel safe and loved. You can give him that as he adjusts to adulthood. Throwing him out seems easy but won’t be. It will be very damaging for you all.

I assume he isn’t clinically depressed?

this Mother is at breaking point, having thrown thousands of pounds accommodating, supporting, brining, buying this lad help.

OP needs to feel Safe and Loved in her own home.

Give him 90 days paid up front rent in a room (All inclusive) and enough money for food in that time.

After that 90 day period it's up to him - you will be forever a doormat otherwise and he needs to grow up quickly

@Antwerpen

I cannot imagine any scenario where I would ‘kick’ my child out. YABVVU

Live with a son who is bigger and stronger and treats you like the OP’s son does his mum.

Still ok?

QueenBee52
She does and spending money doesn’t make you unsafe. Carpet can be replaced in time. Relationships are a bit harder.
Spending money is the last thing that’s needed. She and her husband need to stand united in their boundaries and their demonstration of parental love. Throwing someone as young as eighteen out is not an act of a loving parent - or even a kind and responsible act.

Lock cards away safely, stop pandering, but don’t stop loving. Sending a young man to fend for himself at eighteen when he’s clearly not in a good place is placing him at incredible risk. The parenting doesn’t stop at their eighteenth birthday.

Get a key safe to prevent lost key chaos.
Stopping the money will stop a lot of late nights.
Ask him what he wants to achieve and how he intends to get there. Talk to him like a person rather than a problem.
Find time to do nice things with him.
It will be slow, but it will work and get better.

Is he on drugs op?

@LemonRoses

I think it’s really sad to consider treating an only just out of childhood youngster this way. Of course you don’t throw him out. You tell him you love him every day. You tell him he will grow into a man you are proud of. You find things to praise. They don’t suddenly change at eighteen. They still need kind, loving, tolerant and forgiving parents.

That’s almost as hard as parenting can get, but it’s the only way.

Set clear boundaries. Stop the handouts. Stop being a doormat, but don’t stop him knowing you love him unconditionally. In time his bedroom can be redecorated and in the meantime he can live in a hovel of his making. His choice.
Why has he even got a motorcycle? Why you encourage and support something so dangerous when he was a child? Stop funding that now.
Give him food and drink but nothing else.
If he wants dirty clothes, let someone else tell him he smells. There are worse crimes.

At the moment he needs to feel safe and loved. You can give him that as he adjusts to adulthood. Throwing him out seems easy but won’t be. It will be very damaging for you all.

I assume he isn’t clinically depressed?

Well said @LemonRoses

OP don't be deterred ... make a decision and act on it.. you are allowed to prioritise yourself in this life.. and not accept anything that causes you distress ..

Your life is not a dress rehearsal .. as the old saying goes 🌸

You can't change him but you can change how you respond to him. The stealing and utter disrespect would be a deal breaker for me. Let's call it what it is, abuse. Out he goes. There must be boundaries in order for everyone to feel safe. Your son is seeming out for boundaries and you can best help him by sending him into the real world where he will need to source his own income, accommodation and food. He'll learn quickly!