To kick my 18 year old out

[Amiaeful86]

So I know it’s sounds harsh but I am seriously at my wits end.
He has finished college (was 2 days a week) and has no effort in finding a full time job and even when his college told him of apprenticeships he told me he applied but lied as he didn’t bother as forgot, despite me reminding him daily. He doesn’t do anything including put his washing in the basket so his newly decorated room is a disgusting mess. We spent thousands on his room- so new bed, mattress, carpets and everything was brand new after a long talk that he would look after it which he hasn’t - carpet is ruined and so is walls and furniture. We have had a hundred talks about bucking his ideas up and at 18 he is now capable of working and looking after his stuff.
This weekend his weekend job has sacked him as once again he phoned in sick despite being out with his mates drinking and posting it on social media so he is still in bed! He lies about everything and anything and isn’t allowed a computer console after more than once stealing my bank card details to buy add ons to games online so I spend my life checking my younger two haven’t left any money or there go Henry cards lying around and that my purse is locked in my bedroom.
Whenever we talk he cry’s and plays the victim that I don’t trust him but I how can I when he will stand and lie to face and when caught out just shrugges and says I don’t know. My youngest has ASD so finds this really stressful with 18 year old forgetting keys and hammering on door or trying to climb in bedroom windows and then him shouting and being verbally aggressive to me when I pull him up on it

OP, I'm sorry to hear that you weren't able to speak to your son. I hope you are soon able to resolve the situation.

@sadperson16

The brain,particularly that of young males does not fuse until the early 20's. Only a psychopath can fake actual tears. Something seriously wrong here.

Is that fact about tears something researched? What about child actors?!

My cousin allowed her son to stay at home when he behaved disrespectfully at 18. He's now 25 and still treating her like dirt.

He won't grow up until he learns consequences and it's hard to do that when he lives at home and can just take food from the kitchen and have hot water and electricity already paid for. When he has to pay for electricity on a meter or just freeze, or eat toast for a week, like many of us have, I'm sure, it's concentrates the mind. You want to work because you want a better life. He'll have to be a better housemate because other people just won't put up with it like you have.

You're actually being kind to him by kicking him out before it becomes ingrained and you have a future cocklodger on your hands.

And just wanted to clarify, kicking him out doesn't have to mean that you completely wash your hands of him. You can still be there for him and keep in touch but he has to take some responsibility for himself.

If he has friends with whom he socialises then would he be able to move in with a friend to give you both some space. It might be emotionally easier than throwing him out?

Good luck.

You might be able to help him think it is his idea or that he is getting one over on you. I'm not saying avoid conflict but it sounds like you've reached your limit.

@ExhaustedFlamingo

I agree wholeheartedly *@LemonRoses*. It’s not the easy answer, nor a quick fix, but it’s the right one imho.

It's not the right one for the OP's other child. Do they not count? Which child should she choose?

I don't have one of this age so I may be way off beam here. If you were to bag up the contents of his bedroom do you have anywhere you could store things, that he can't get to? A small storage unit would be cheaper than renting him a flat. Then , when you've got his attention, tell him it changes now. He gets in line. Studying or working, and paying his way. He can stay in the house if he meet your chosen standards, he can earn his stuff back if he meets your chosen standards, or at least he's all packed and ready to leave. His choice.

At any point his standards drop below your minimum, he's out. Presuming he's doing the "as an adult I can do what I like" routine. Well, you are an adult too, and you can choose not to have someone in your house if they are this detrimental to your combined family life.

But the key, is that you have to have the conversation calmly. If he's ranting about you taking his stuff, that emotion needs to burn out first. If he needs to stay with friends for a while to calm down, then he must do that. You stay planted in your determination. Your door is open, but only to two adults having a reasonable conversation about finding a way forward.

Good luck, it sounds incredibly difficult.

@TorringtonDean

I’d never throw my son out. There has to be a middle ground before going there. How will he manage with no job or money? This could damage your relationship for ever. I’m a single parent, my son is home from uni, hasn’t found a job and it’s driving me round the bend. He is still studying though and is doing an extra course online. He has unpaid voluntary work online too. He doesn’t have any friends and family to go to. I just have to accept for now that life can’t be perfect. Ive put all these years in to his life, I couldn’t just sling him out and I don’t think it’s realistic to do that.

But your situation and your son's behaviour isn't remotely similar!

Start one of your calm, sensible conversations where he agrees that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Then say that he needs to sign on as unemployed and find somewhere to rent, as he can't stay with you any more.

Give him a date when you will put him out and he'll have to register as homeless, if he has nowhere to stay.

He is an adult and can do as he likes, but not in your house.

"Kindly" put most of his stuff in storage, ready for him moving out. He can manage without it for a little while, right.

DO NOT even think of renting a flat for him. That would be more responsibility for you.

@TorringtonDean

Most of us don’t turn 18 and suddenly become a fully functioning adult. For some it’s sooner and some a lot later. Slinging him out on the streets won’t help. When I was young I had one friend this happened to. He had good savings, all were spent. He then lived rough or sofa surfed for years. He obviously had problems he needed help with. Maybe he was just a wastrel but his father - it was the father who decided - lacked all compassion.

One of my children left home (amicably, admittedly) to live with a friend.

Very successful

He's old enough to get married, have a family, join the armed forces etc etc.

He needs to stop loafing about and do something purposeful

This is so difficult. My son (25) is bad (not quite as bad as yours but still dire) and all the 'kick him out' sayers, I can't because I would worry myself to death wondering what he was doing. Drugs, homelessness etc. I really feel for you. Could you pay 1st months rent on a flat to get him out then he's on his own? He would then realise you were serious about him going. And not let him back in?

@Zilla1

If he has friends with whom he socialises then would he be able to move in with a friend to give you both some space. It might be emotionally easier than throwing him out?

Good luck.

Yes for a two week break to give him time to realise how cushy he’s got it at home. With a warning that it will be permanent if doesn’t buck his ideas up.

Name change.
I was kicked out at 16, for different reasons but it was really good for me.
YANBU. Kick him out, I am sure it will do all of you some good.

@Amiaeful86

He just doesn’t respect me or our home! 4 weeks ago I paid for his motorcycle to be completely fixed and MOT’d so he could look for jobs and travel etc and the night he got it back he let his mate wheely it and smash it up with hundreds of pounds damage, again he lied about it but I saw the videos on social media so after about 5 hours he admitted it

I'm sorry, I know there are 7 pages on this, but I stopped reading it after your 2nd message (the third in the thread) because when you typed ".....4 weeks ago I paid for his motorcycle to be completely fixed and MOT’d, the night he got it back he let his mate wheely it and smash it up with hundreds of pounds damage, again he lied about it...." I realised there was no point.

You obviously have spoilt the child and as regards your original question, well you should have kicked him out 4 weeks back after the motorcycle incident. Sorry, but that is it really.

@user27424799642256

Fortunately, he was housed in supported housing specifically for young people where he received support and responded well to strict boundaries.

How was that accessed? Application ? Assessment ? Referral? Eligibility conditions? Waiting list period?

How would the op find that sort of provision? What type of scheme was it? Who would she need to speak to? What would she tell them she was looking for?

In England, this is done by applicant presenting themselves to the council as homeless. If they think it appropriate, they then refer on to whichever organisation runs the supported accommodation (here it's contracted out to the YMCA, but there are many other charities, inc Salvation Army, who run similar schemes in other areas).

The schemes I know of provide each resident with a bedsitting room that has an en suite shower and toilet. There are communal kitchens, each shared by 5-8 residents, and communal areas for watching tv, playing music etc. There's also a room with computers for residents to study/apply for jobs, and a games room with consoles and a pool table.

Each resident has a key worker who helps them develop independent living skills, including managing finances, looking for work or applying for training, cooking, cleaning, self-care etc.

Once they have made sufficient progress, and are ready to move on, they are then supported to move out and into a PRS property (with deposit and rent in advance lent by the council) or sometimes, if they are still considered vulnerable, into a council flat.

In my previous job, I supported a few young people through the move-on process. They were, without a doubt, the most challenging client group I have ever worked with (and that includes MH issues, ASCs, DA survivors, ex prisoners, refugees, LDs, addicts and probably many more).

Even if the council isn't the referring agency in the OPs area, that should be her son's first port of call if (when?) she tells him to leave, as the LA is the agency that has a statutory duty to (try and) prevent homelessness. They will know whether such a referral is appropriate, and who he needs to contact to get referred.

@IHaveBrilloHair

Nobody understands what it's like to live in an abusive relationship, when the abuser is your child. They don't just hurt you, they hurt themselves and by letting them stay, you are enabling it, even though you desperately want to protect them.

I agree. The OP is being emotionally and financially abused by her son.

She should no more put up with that than she should put up with it from her DH imo. Plus she has a responsibility to the 2 younger children to give them a stable home life, which they're not getting while her oldest is behaving like this.

I know someone who made her son's continued residence in the family home conditional on him agreeing to, and complying with, an Acceptable Behaviour Contract. She got him to sign it, pinned it up in several places around the house and every time he got arsey she would remind him what he had agreed to in terms of behaviour.

It worked a treat with him. He was under no illusions that he was absolutely on his last chance.

You raised him op and now he's an out of control dis respectful teen? Do you take any credit for this.
Secondly whilst it seems lovely to ask him to leave, doesn't that kind of push the problem elsewhere, esp the stealing??

Op I think you need to think out of the box here and try to save your relationship with him before it's trshsed for good.

Maybe a short break away with him?
I'd focus and search up help for how go repair this relationship and work out why aside form being a teen why he is doesn't seem too care about anything.

@Twoforthree indeed, especially if the friend's family get tired of it unless there's a friend in work with a place of their own which presumably is possible but not likely at that age and circumstances?

Oh op I’m so sorry

@Lemonmelonsun… that suggestion is as reasonable as suggesting to a battered woman to plan a trip away with her abuser to see if a little honeymoon will make them a happy couple.

What do you expect will happen if you need to be with your abuser 24/7 when you are the one holding the purse strings? Carnage, that is!

Send him off to a holiday park place to work at anything eg catering assistant with live in accommodation for the summer. Haven, PGL etc

At 19 I had a mortgage. I do not come from money and had to work and save very hard for the deposit. I then spent four years renovating the place every evening after my full time job. As in, I did the majority of the work by myself because on my low wage I couldn't afford to pay people to do it for me.

I have autism, and almost certainly ADHD on top, although the latter is currently undiagnosed.

Show him this post and shame the lazy little shite into shifting his arse....he's a disgrace!

Can the motorbike be sold as parts, then you or he would get some money back ?
It is a hard lesson to learn, that you don't let other people use your car or bike if they are uninsured

At 18 & not in further education

You need to have a conversation about him getting another job. Remind him that he is an adult. So job or apply for universal credit