To think I've paid a huge price putting career before motherhood

[fertilitybs]

NC for this. I’ve just had my second miscarriage in a row. I’m starting to think, why didn’t I just bite the bullet and do this when my eggs were fresher and I was younger?

I’ve been very career driven and now hate my career and feel like karma is making this happen because ultimately I chose career/money/going out/‘having fun’ etc over motherhood.

I feel awful and am suffering by myself I’ve not told anyone about the miscarriage as I don’t want to worry anyone and no one understands.

I also feel very awkward hearing and seeing other peoples pregnancies which makes me feel like a terrible person but I’m angry. All my life I’ve exercised and taken care of my body and health and have been rewarded in this shit way and some people can smoke and take drugs and their babies are fine.

Sorry for the rant I’m just very confused and wanted to reach out to hear others experiences.

Does anyone else feel they’ve paid a huge price putting their ‘career’ first?

How old are you, OP?

If it’s any comfort, my dd also had 2 miscarriages in a row, before going on to have 3 healthy babies at 38, 39 and nearly 43.

Several of her friends of about the same age have been similar.

I am sorry OP, that is tough

Most women experience miscarriages in their lives, I did not know this until I had one and was told this

Keep the faith and be kind to yourself

This is not “karma” it’s life throwing us curved balls

Almost all of the women I am close to have experienced miscarriages and losses, at a wide range of ages and all living with different work/home circumstances. It is really unfair but there’s no guarantee that it wouldn’t have happened if you were younger. It’s a terrible thing, and you can feel so alone, but it is worth talking to someone if you can as there is support out there. I miscarried at 14 weeks at the age of 32, so not that old really and the Miscarriage Association really helped me. Do you have a supportive partner?

Miscarriages often have nothing to do with age when you are under 45 (my ivf consultant’s words not mine). They are caused by a condition that medical science can either explain or not. As it’s your 2nd one get a referral to the recurrent miscarriage clinic or contact a fertility clinic to see what they can do. Chances are because you have a career you can afford to throw money at the problem until you have a baby in your arms. I know people who had to write off being parents in their early 30s because they tried everything they could and private ivf wasn’t an option.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I'm 35. Thank you it's nice to hear some positive stories.

I haven't told my mum this time around because she was heart broken last time I don't want to upset her again.

She was also very shocked as she managed to have four children never an issue. Between her and siblings nine babies have been born not one miscarriage

I’ve had 3 and I’m 25. My first was aged 22. I’m pregnant for the fourth time, and I’ve got all my fingers crossed that this is the one I’ll get to take home. However, my age has nothing to do with my infertility struggles so far. I know that probably won’t make you feel better, but be kind to yourself. It can happen to anyone for any reason, and nothing you did or didn’t do caused it. None of us can ever have a crystal ball and predict what will happen in the future. You can’t punish yourself for having a career and other plans first. I also relate to the resentment of those who can have children with ease and to outward appearances don’t look after them or themselves as I might perhaps think they should. Sometimes I feel awful for thinking like this, but mostly, I just feel sad for them. They have their own struggles and various vulnerabilities and I wouldn’t swap their life for mine. Take it easy on yourself, and solidarity from someone who has had 3 years of a similar hell

There’s no point in beating yourself up over something you can’t change. Women are having babies later and later and society tells them they’re doing the right thing. It’s just how things seem to be now.

No one knows if things would have been easier if you were younger, women any age can have fertility issues and unfortunately a lot of people do have several miscarriages before having a healthy pregnancy. Be kind to yourself. I hope that everything works out for you.

I’m so sorry OP . Miscarriage is the shittiest thing. Plus, what everyone else said. How old are you?

Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm considered young (mid to late 20s) and had 3 miscarriages before having a healthy pregnancy and baby. You can never know what was or what would have been so focus on the here and now. You're not out yet OP, even though I've been there and I know it feels like it. Big hugs xx

I'm 40 and thought the same after two miscarriages. I'm now 24 weeks pregnant on my third attempt. Miscarriages sadly are far too common, more than most people realise.

I'm sorry for your losses op chances are that you'll go on to have a successful pregnancy. Wishing you the best of luck.

I’m sorry to read about your mc. Career doesn’t cause one to miscarry
A number of factors unfortunately cause mc. You’re not being punished there’s no such thing as karma.I wish you well going forward, don’t berate yourself or waste time on what ifs

I worked a job with female sex workers, they used alcohol, iv drugs,drugs, had chaotic lifestyle and had healthy unremarkable pg.

@ChubbyLittleManInACampervan I didn't realise so common either but man I really feel odds stacked against me. Like I said none of my close friends or family have had this so I feel like I'm the one with something wrong with me

@QueenAdreena supportive probably isn't the word for my partner.

He cares but deals with it in diffferent ways. He is very logical and sees emotion as a waste of time doesn't understand me getting upset about something cannot be changed and have no control over and that we just keep trying until it happen.

His mindset is helpful in some ways but sometimes I just want some sympathy

@DeadPapaToothwort sorry for your losses and I really hope this time works for you. Sending love x

@EssentialHummus thank you, I'm 35

@Worriedandconfused23 thank you, you give me hope x

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, it’s such a hard thing to go through.

Please don’t blame yourself for having a career, it can happen at any age.

Also, you aren’t over the hill just yet. I had mine at 35 (after a few years of trying and agonising over my life choices in a similar way), 38 and a surprise third is due at 39.

There’s nothing wrong with you at all. Miscarriage is very common - and very upsetting. It’s nothing to do with age - I was 23 when my son was stillborn. I hope you have good news and a successful pregnancy very soon. 💐

Hi OP my friend had a miscarriage at 38/9 and first baby at 39/40. All healthy and well.. My Nan had twins naturally in her 40s. Please try not to worry or lose heart

Oh OP, you are only thirty five.

Of course you aren't paying the price for delaying motherhood. I had a very traumatic second trimester MMC at twenty one. As PPs have said they are heartbreakingly common.
It really is just one of those things and may or may not require investigation, wholly irrespective of age.

Please try not to think like this, you are young and have at least five years, if not more of healthy childbearing years ahead. Take heart lovely ❤

Please don't beat yourself up about your choices.

Miscarriages are incredibly common, so many women of all ages experience them. A lot of people don't talk about their miscarriages and some people don't realise they miscarried and just mistake it for a late period.

I'm 34, I have an 11 month old son and had an early miscarriage in February at 4 weeks and 5 days.

I'm currently pregnant again, just over 7 weeks. I'm scared that something will happen again, but I try to be hopeful.

It's a good sign that you got pregnant twice, even if it doesn't seem that way. It means you can conceive and it will just be a question of time until you have your baby in your arms.

Don't blame yourself.
I had a miscarriage at 24, ds at 25, TFMR at 28 and DD at 30.
These things are common unfortunately.
Sending you lots of luck x

Its the Sliding Doors /Midnight Library phenomenon, isnt it. We all wonder if things would have worked out better if we’d made different choices but honestly OP, they wouldn’t have done, not really. To torture yourself with the what ifs doesnt lead anywhere good or helpful.

Im so sorry for your losses. Hope you have a baby really soon

[quote fertilitybs]@ChubbyLittleManInACampervan I didn't realise so common either but man I really feel odds stacked against me. Like I said none of my close friends or family have had this so I feel like I'm the one with something wrong with me [/quote]
How do you know none of your friends and family haven't? They probably have. I had 7 MCs and nobody knows. I didn't even bother telling DH about 2 or 3 of them.