To think I've paid a huge price putting career before motherhood

[fertilitybs]

NC for this. I’ve just had my second miscarriage in a row. I’m starting to think, why didn’t I just bite the bullet and do this when my eggs were fresher and I was younger?

I’ve been very career driven and now hate my career and feel like karma is making this happen because ultimately I chose career/money/going out/‘having fun’ etc over motherhood.

I feel awful and am suffering by myself I’ve not told anyone about the miscarriage as I don’t want to worry anyone and no one understands.

I also feel very awkward hearing and seeing other peoples pregnancies which makes me feel like a terrible person but I’m angry. All my life I’ve exercised and taken care of my body and health and have been rewarded in this shit way and some people can smoke and take drugs and their babies are fine.

Sorry for the rant I’m just very confused and wanted to reach out to hear others experiences.

Does anyone else feel they’ve paid a huge price putting their ‘career’ first?

Career minded like you and to an older age!

4 miscarriages and 1 healthy Dc 1 miscarrige 1 healthyish DC

Don't despair - get yourself checked out for the obvious things and relax.We had given up when DC1 managed to stick long enugh to survive!

Sorry to hear of your losses. It happens to any age group. 35 is really not that old and it’s not you have done nothing wrong getting established in your career.

I have had 9 children, only 2 here today. All of my miscarriages were in my mid 20’s. My children were born when I was older. I totally get your anger and resentment towards other pregnant people. I spent years being angry and jealous, it is a normal part of grief. On the flip side I feel I have wasted a lot of time ttc and grieving when I could have furthered my career. I am so sorry for your losses.

@fertilitybs As a gent of 51 years old i feel your pain, although i was consciously busy, probably a bit selfish, but never met the right person until too late, career focussed, and even though my amazing partner now has offered, she is 41, she also has a 20 & 16 year old and I don’t feel like i should put her through another pregnancy and another 20 years of child raising.

I’d love to be a dad now, by all accounts i’d a naturally good one too, but just left it too late to meet somone to give it a go with.

I hope you manage to make your dream come true.

This is one of those occasions where a therapist would tell you to be kind to yourself.

I believe all women now have invidious choices to make. You couldn't have known what the outcome of hanging on would be, many women conceive successfully.

None of us quite know how things will pan out, including fertility. It may have been just as difficult and heartbreaking as a younger woman.

There is also every possibility that you would have spent your life thinking "What if", if you'd gone the other route and postponed career till after children.

And I say this as someone who tried desperately to have both, and have had a miserable 15 years working and juggling my family and kids alongside.

All the choices are shit for us tbh.

[quote fertilitybs]@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I'm 35. Thank you it's nice to hear some positive stories.

I haven't told my mum this time around because she was heart broken last time I don't want to upset her again.

She was also very shocked as she managed to have four children never an issue. Between her and siblings nine babies have been born not one miscarriage [/quote]
OP, your mum hasn't had any miscarriages that she's aware of. Sometimes a late period was in fact a very early miscarriage. It's just that with the early detection tests and monitoring that we now have available to us, we can know we are pregnant much much earlier than previous generations of women.

OP, it's shit. It really is. I've had two miscarriages (one in the first few days after a positive test and the second I found out about when I went for the 12 week scan). I know exactly what you mean about being angry with your body - I too haven't done any hard drugs and have taken care of myself while a London friend who regularly snorted coke in her earlier days had a gorgeous little one before me. I felt like my body hated me and was betraying me and I may as well have taken every drug, smoked, and drank all the time.

But actually OP, your body is probably doing the right thing biologically speaking. Most times a miscarriage is the body determining how viable the pregnancy is - so your body has said 'this isn't going to be it this time, there's too many things not right, and it won't be able to survive'. So most miscarriages are a chromosomal issue which can happen at any age, at any time, to any woman. It's just what happens when cells replicate millions and millions of times. Sometimes there's errors - sometimes those errors are not life threatening to the survival of the foetus, sometimes they are. So your body was looking out for you and for the little one.

Occasionally there might be another issue so like others have said, definitely follow up with fertility specialists. And if you've got the money definitely go private. Don't hang around waiting for referrals in the NHS system and DON'T let anyone placate you by saying oh you just need to relax - if that was the reason for miscarriages then nobody would get pregnant in a war zone!

Hey sister, you're one with billions of us women - so much love to you xxx

I say tell your mum and she can support you yes she'll be upset but it's nice that you'll be able to talk about it and mark what would have been the due date etc.
I'd want my daughter's to tell me.
You'll be fine and be updating everyone on a healthy baby soon enough just take a little time to heal emotionally because it's ok to be sad. Take care.

OP, your mum hasn't had any miscarriages that she's aware of. Sometimes a late period was in fact a very early miscarriage. It's just that with the early detection tests and monitoring that we now have available to us, we can know we are pregnant much much earlier than previous generations of women

This is so true. This thread has reminded me that I had what I think was an early miscarriage when I was 17. Period three weeks late, then absolute floods. In those days only a GP could do a test when you were several weeks late so I never had one.

I’m so sorry for your losses. It doesn’t have anything to do with you choosing a career over children and you’re certainly not too old! I had 4 miscarriages in my early to mid 30’s before falling pregnant with my son. No reason found for the miscarriages- tests all came back as everything fine. I was advised to take a low dose aspirin daily and it seemed to do the trick, no idea why!
Good luck to you and try to stay positive. Please don’t keep it from your mum if you need her support, she is probably just upset for you more than anything x x

Maybe your friends haven’t told you about their miscarriage like you haven’t told them about yours.
I have 2 dc and 1 miscarriage. All but 2 of my friends with kids have had a miscarriage at some point. In your moment of pain it’s hard to be just a statistic but it really does happen alot. I’m sorry you losts your babies. I really hope your dream of having a baby comes true.

Sorry for your loss. I promise you it isn’t karma though. So many people go through this, and it sucks. Be gentle on yourself and please never think you’re being punished.

Sorry OP. Miscarriages are just shit, there's no getting away from it. I've had 4, 1 before DS1 and 3 before DS2.

I completely understand how you can't talk people about it at the moment. To be honest, unless people have gone through it they just can't truly understand. I couldn't talk to anyone, I had to talk to my managers after miscarriages no. 1 & 4 as I needed time off work - only a few days but still uncomfortable to talk about.

2 things I promised I would and wouldn't do again.

1. Never again have I asked 'When are you going to have a baby?' - first of all it's none of my business. Second, it really hurt me when people asked me, however well meaning, it still hurt a lot.
2. I will talk about my miscarriages when the moment is appropriate. I don't shout it from the rooftops or anything but women need to know how common it is and support each other.

Good luck on your journey. I was 35 when I had DS2. My neighbour is having her first, she's 49 and been trying for 10 years. I have everything crossed for you x

I am really sorry to hear about your losses OP. I have 2 lovely girls, 9 years apart, and have experienced 4 pregnancy losses. My first loss was in my 20s and my last day n my 40s. My youngest daughter was IVF born when I was 40. It is really difficult, I was reminded during lockdown of all those years when life felt on hold as I lived in 2 week chunks (took me 2 years to get pregnant each time too). I am on the other side now and leave to remind myself how lucky I am when the kids are whining sometimes!

Oh my. Stop taking this on to yourself. Stop with the guilt. At times like this I always have the same mantra running through my mind. What would a man think in this position and he would never consider his career dedication or choices. Just focus on this next goal as you're priority and I hope for you tour dream comes true but don't add to the stress with this totally unnecessary guilt. It just gets in the way of good feelings. Don't beat yourself up. You're the only one doing it.

Please, please don’t feel you are being punished or this is your fault. Unfortunately miscarriages are much more common then we are led to believe. It’s not something we talk about and it leads to women going this alone and feeling helpless.
One of my dearest friends had multiple miscarriages and went one to have 3 beautiful healthy children. All after she was 39.
I’m so sorry you have experienced this and I really hope things work out for you soon. Please reach out to someone so you aren’t going it alone. You might be surprised as they may have experienced the same. Take care x

OP, if you haven’t already pop to the GP and ask for a referral to a fertility clinic. Sometimes it can because the pregnancy isn’t viable but sometimes we need a little medical intervention to sustain pregnancy. I need oestrogen and progesterone. My friend had sticky blood, she need a blood thin her for the 1st few months. I’ve had 5 miscarriages, did 2 egg sharing and 3 lots of IVF (I have a son and currently 13weeks with my 2nd) I’ll be 41 next month. My 1st was born when I was 35. It’s heartbreaking to MC. It’s really important to confide in someone it’s not taboo and you’re friends l/mum will want to support you, even more important to do that when your partner has different ways of coping. Talk about it and grieve, also try and look forward there’s help and so many ways we can be helped x

35 isn’t anything like too old! The average age of FTMs is over 30 now. Sorry for your losses. My first was an mc and, like other posters are saying, virtually all of my friends with children have experienced mc and/or fertility struggles to some degree. It sucks but you’ve plenty of time to get to the bottom of it. All the best xx

I had DC1 at 33 after 3 years trying and two failed ivf attempts. Conceived naturally. Three mcs when I was 38 and 39, but had DC2 at almost 41 after 5 years trying. I had poor ovarian reserve at 31 so mine were two miracles. My friend had a mc at 39, DC1 at 40 and DC2 at 44.
I have another friend who had a total disaster at ivf aged 40 , no eggs retrieved at all. 18 months later DC1 was born, conceived naturally.
I have no idea whether there is any science behind this but in all these cases we let go of trying and then it happened. Friend 2 says hers was a lockdown baby as she found working from home far less stressful than the office. DH and I had begun to talk about adoption before DC1. Before DC2 I gave away my maternity clothes.
💐

OP I am so sorry for your loss. You are not too old. I had my babies at 34 and 37 and my sister at 40. Maybe go for a check-up but don't blame yourself. Miscarriages happens for so many reason and at any age. Take your vitamins, keep fit and ready for when you get pregnant again

Over the years I’ve had 17!
But in amongst all of those three babies came home. The last just before I turned 40!
There’s no reason for them happening, they just do. Sometimes it’s implantation issues, sometimes placenta issues do my consultant said or a host of other problems.
Do see your Gp for a referral to a fertility clinic. It’s best both of you are checked to prevent further heartbreak. Each one hurt emotionally. Nothing you did or could have done. It’s a life curve ball.
Best of luck.

Please don’t worry. 35 is hardly ancient. It’s probably nothing you are doing and just bad luck. I just had a baby at 36, conceived first cycle trying. My mum tried to get pregnant from 19 to 31 unsuccessfully. Age not a factor there just one of those things.

It's not your reward OP, it's just a current shitty situation. We started trying when I was 25, and it took us two miscarriages, three years and clomid to have DD.

Everyone I know seems to blink and get preggers. Baby bombs suck!

I also had a miscarriage at the age of 37 before having a baby at 38. I owe my baby to a forward thinking obstetrician who prescribed me low dose progesterone, low dose aspirin, and Vit D (in addition to pregnacare max vits). There is a reason behind miscarriages (hate this term - let’s say pregnancy loss) and it is not always due to genetic disorder as the medical professionals very lazily put it. Please consider discussing the option of taking progesterone from the very start of the pregnancy, as well as aspirin. No risk of taking those but they make a huge difference for the foetus to incubate in the womb. All the very best and please know that although it may seem like you will never get pregnant it will happen - just persevere and keep trying in a different way.

So sorry for your losses
I reiterate what pp's have said to go & get checked out just in case there is something that can be managed with medication/treatment.
One of my friends had 4 miscarriages in her early 30s & then found out she had an over active thyroid (had blood tests) & the Consultant said that hyperthyroidism does affect fertility & cause pregnancy loss in some people.
Since taking medication for the hyperthyroidism the next pregnancy stuck & the one after that & the surprise next one. She now has 3 healthy boys.