To think I've paid a huge price putting career before motherhood

[fertilitybs]

NC for this. I’ve just had my second miscarriage in a row. I’m starting to think, why didn’t I just bite the bullet and do this when my eggs were fresher and I was younger?

I’ve been very career driven and now hate my career and feel like karma is making this happen because ultimately I chose career/money/going out/‘having fun’ etc over motherhood.

I feel awful and am suffering by myself I’ve not told anyone about the miscarriage as I don’t want to worry anyone and no one understands.

I also feel very awkward hearing and seeing other peoples pregnancies which makes me feel like a terrible person but I’m angry. All my life I’ve exercised and taken care of my body and health and have been rewarded in this shit way and some people can smoke and take drugs and their babies are fine.

Sorry for the rant I’m just very confused and wanted to reach out to hear others experiences.

Does anyone else feel they’ve paid a huge price putting their ‘career’ first?

My mum had me, then three miscarriages, then my brother at 40. Do not give up hope

[quote fertilitybs]@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I'm 35. Thank you it's nice to hear some positive stories.

I haven't told my mum this time around because she was heart broken last time I don't want to upset her again.

She was also very shocked as she managed to have four children never an issue. Between her and siblings nine babies have been born not one miscarriage [/quote]
The thing is, your mum and her siblings were having children 35 years ago.
In those days, most people weren't even sure they were pregnant until they'd missed 2 periods, at which point they'd get a pregnancy test. So if you miscarried before about 10 weeks, you wouldn't really call it or think of it as a miscarriage. So your Mum and her peers may have had miscarriages and not realised it. Early scans were not a thing - I got one as part of a trial at a big London research hospital at 11 weeks with DS2 who is now 25- it was quite a big deal, I was very grateful for the opportunity, which is why I remember it.
12 weeks was when a pregnancy was considered viable - before that, if the baby was wanted it would be a question of hoping for the best, but not necessarily expecting that a successful pregnancy would be the outcome. TBH, I'd be very surprised if they all had every missed period develop into a successful pregnancy.
I'm really sorry your Mum is not being more supportive and for your losses. Hang on in there!

so sorry that you are dealing with that . However i know many young people who have dealt with miscarriages so i dont believe it is due to your age . But i want to add that i had a baby before a career , and i regret not doing things the other way around. If i had a career then i would have been able to provide alot more for my child and not be relying on benefits. so I believe you did things the right way. hopefully you will go on to have a successful pregnancy and bring a child into the world with everything that they need

Your age probably has nothing to do with it to be honest. If you were going to struggle fertility wise you probably still will have struggled if you started in your 20’s. You aren’t even much older than the national average for a first time mother now as it’s almost 31.Your siblings were actually below average age.

I understand your worries but no I don’t think this is the fault of your career. I think you are trying to find something to blame when in reality it is shitty luck.

Also many people who have had children younger may be jealous of you and your career. You have know grown to like it but many times irl (my best friend had her first at 19) and on MN I hear from those who had kids early and regret it and wish they had focused on their career and having fun. The grass is always greener.

@cinammonbuns

Also many people who have had children younger may be jealous of you and your career. You have know grown to like it but many times irl (my best friend had her first at 19) and on MN I hear from those who had kids early and regret it and wish they had focused on their career and having fun. The grass is always greener.

Absolutely.

I look at my older mum friends who have finished maternity leave and gone back to these exciting and interesting careers and think... what am I doing? Have I set a good example for my daughters by missing out on career opportunities in order to raise them?

Grass is always greener.

@fertilitybs

I think I'm feeling old because all of my friends and family all had kids before 35. So that's approx 15-20 women. I'm the last one.

You won't be the last one fertility, there will be people of your age who start to have children after you. Honest!

It’s definitely a case of the grass always looks greener. Don’t feel guilty for living life before having children, 35 isn’t old at all! I had my DS at 20, in hindsight I wasn’t ready but I had to be.x

I think you are being really hard on yourself
Miscarriage is hard enough without you berating yourself
It also happens indiscriminately

Sending
Please be kind to yourself

You're still young, on a positive spin you can get pregnant.
Miscarriage is awful especially when the pregnancy is very much wanted.
You'll never know how life would have went if you started earlier.
Best of luck.

Oh OP! I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I had three before my first pregnancy with DD. I was also 35. I had DS three years later.

I had two miscarriages before the age of 21. Unfortunately, they are so common but we’re just not aware of it. I don’t think fertility starts to get affected until the woman is over 35, and even then a fertility decline is due to many factors in individual women. Don’t blame I’m yourself for your miscarriages, it’s not your fault.

Im so sorry to hear of your miscarriages, they are an awful thing to go through. I'm pregnant with my first age 39, I'm 22 weeks and still anxious. I suffered from infertility and had a miscarriage at 27 and then a round of ivf which ended a missed miscarriage age 34 and with this pregnancy and I only tried one month and found out on my 39th birthday. Fertility is a complicated thing, I'm still scratching my head! Miscarriages are common, my sister had 2 in a row between her 2 boys as well. Youre 35 so your eggs definitely won't be old, people are having babies into their 40s, my best friend just had her 2nd there at 40. And she has numerous fertility issues she was told it would be impossible to fall pregnant naturally. Dont beat yourself up, there's still plenty of time to have a family but I understand the feeling of wanting something so bad and being afraid it won't happen

Such hopeful messages here thank you. I guess now I've had time to calm down a little you're right - 35 isn't old. I think I just worry because I ideally wanted three children, and don't want it spanning into my forties. But we don't always get what we want and sometimes we just have to leave it to science to do it's weird and sometimes not so wonderful thing.

I also worry because if I doesn't happen I know for a fact my marriage is over. I don't want to adopt etc and DH does, he's not said he'd leave me quite the opposite, but I just know it would strain us and I'd feel guilt.

Anyway I should stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet.

Hi OP I'm 36 and am sat cuddling my newborn baby after experiencing second trimester loss last year and a long time trying. Do not despair. There's time.

I know people are trying to help when they say how common pregnancy loss is, but like you, none of my close friends had ever been through it (and were supportive but had no idea what it felt like and said so). In fact it was only my elderly great aunt who I am close to who said something that made me know she knew the pain of it.

I also worry because if I doesn't happen I know for a fact my marriage is over. I don't want to adopt etc and DH does, he's not said he'd leave me quite the opposite, but I just know it would strain us and I'd feel guilt.

I think you need to have a proper discussion with him about this, a bit of marriage counselling even if necessary

[quote fertilitybs]@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I'm 35. Thank you it's nice to hear some positive stories.

I haven't told my mum this time around because she was heart broken last time I don't want to upset her again.

She was also very shocked as she managed to have four children never an issue. Between her and siblings nine babies have been born not one miscarriage [/quote]
This is not the reality 1/3 ends in m/c.

A m/c needs to be grieved and it is not a ‘failure’ although at the time it feels like it

Echoing others' points about miscarriages being common and 35 not being old. In 5 years time you may be very glad you got your career onto a sure fitting first. You're a whole person and allowed to care about more than 1 thing.

Sorry to hear your DH isn't supportive. He may simply not be the type to talk about things like this much, but have you told him you really need a hug?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is not karma or some kind of punishment for working. You made the decision to try for a baby when the time was right for you. You weren't wrong to focus on your career and enjoy a full social life before trying to conceive.

I don’t know how they coped
But my friend mum had something like 8 miscarriages
There is no clear reason , little support and it’s isolating
But there IS hope
I’d never say that if I didn’t mean it

This has nothing to do with your career.

I had 3 miscarriages between the ages 32-34, also a well-established career, house, well currently a new one, cars, decent holidays etc. A decent lifestyle. You're not to be blamed for achieving this or for making sure you can provide for your child, this is to be applauded.

Miscarriages happen to everyone, at any age. Multiple miscarriages are far more common than you may now, because there's a massive taboo.

FWIW, I too took care of my body, still had 3 in a row, 2 of them were missed miscarriages too at the end of the first trimester which are very difficult to deal with. One was particularly traumatic physically and emotionally and I had to go to private counselling. I felt the same as you about pregnant women around me for a very long time. It's a grief reaction and it's normal.

I also felt the same (and still do) about the women who don't take care of their bodies and end up pregnant and having healthy children. Unfortunately, pregnancy is not a fair game, it's a lottery. The sooner you get out of your head that yoh can control the process, the better for you. Sorry to be blunt, but that's true - I felt trapped in trying to control something that is a random event, it may or may not be successful.

I had tests at the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic, my husband was tested too. We're fine, healthy people - nothing came back wrong. And randomly, I am now 36+3 weeks pregnant with my son.

Do not link your career with something that is an unrelated event.

Take good care of yourself, don't give up and very best of luck to you

Miscarriages are much more often that we think, unfortunatelly.
Keep trying.
And have a check up with the doctors.

OP, if you're feeling so stressed about it, I really would go to a fertility specialist. Sometimes there are very small things (a manageable medication, e.g.) that can significantly up your chances of getting pregnant. Or they can spot a problem that can get attention, or even recommend IVF. If you really want kids now, I'd start a consultation with a specialist.

Sorry OP. Just wanted to say please dont beat yourself up about the career issue. Miscarriage is much more common that people recognise. Women then go on to have healthy pregnancies. Best of luck xxx

When I had a miscarriage, I also thought that no one in my family or circle of friends ever had one. I think it's just because it's something we're not vocal about and doesn't normally come up in conversation. When I told a few people, it became apparent how common (although no less heartbreaking) it is. Lots of hugs to you, it truly is a difficult thing to get through.