To think I've paid a huge price putting career before motherhood

[fertilitybs]

NC for this. I’ve just had my second miscarriage in a row. I’m starting to think, why didn’t I just bite the bullet and do this when my eggs were fresher and I was younger?

I’ve been very career driven and now hate my career and feel like karma is making this happen because ultimately I chose career/money/going out/‘having fun’ etc over motherhood.

I feel awful and am suffering by myself I’ve not told anyone about the miscarriage as I don’t want to worry anyone and no one understands.

I also feel very awkward hearing and seeing other peoples pregnancies which makes me feel like a terrible person but I’m angry. All my life I’ve exercised and taken care of my body and health and have been rewarded in this shit way and some people can smoke and take drugs and their babies are fine.

Sorry for the rant I’m just very confused and wanted to reach out to hear others experiences.

Does anyone else feel they’ve paid a huge price putting their ‘career’ first?

Oh OP.

It's not karma. As all the posters on here have demonstrated, these horrible things happen, and they are random. Whatever you did or didn't do, you'd find a way to think it's somehow your 'fault'.

35 is no age at all, and you have a partner (which is a pretty big plus, given that you want to have children!)

I have been told (I am childless not by choice) that until quite recently many early miscarriages were not recognised as miscarriages....period late..maybe some odd symptoms then an extra heavy period. Now women can know earlier when they are pregnant...so women of previous generations who bore their families and never had a miscarriage may genuinely believe it but its maybe not true. I hope your Mum's heartbreak isn't putting extra pressure on you. Daughters are not grandma fodder. I was lucky with my own mum and my MIL but there was a friend of my MIl's who used to bang on and on about when we were going to start a family and it was first annoying and then painful.
I will be a lovely Mum and I hope its soon.

Huge hugs OP and as said before, you are young

@fertilitybs. I was almost 37 when I had DD without any intervention. I too had done the career thing first, but it worked out in the end, and I hope it will for you too

OP, a few decades ago pregnancy tests weren’t available to buy - you had to wait at least 2 months, take a urine simple to the GP, and wait again for the result. (By which time you were probably pretty sure anyway - I know I was.). So almost certainly a lot of early miscarriages were put down to a late, heavy period.

They do say, IIRC, and have for a long time, that one in 6 pregnancies results in miscarriage, usually an early one, because something isn’t right.

I do understand why you haven’t told your mum for fear of distressing her. TBH I’m not sure which way is best - my dd told me about her 2 misses straightaway, and of course I was as devastated as she was. For quite a while after she became pregnant for the 3rd time I was almost afraid of answering the phone, in case it was news of yet another miss.
But happily, the next call was to say she’d just had her 8 week scan and all well.
🤞 and 🙏 for you.

And BTW, 35 is nothing nowadays!

I'm not in your position so can't actually comment on your question.

sorry it's been difficult for you and that it feels like bad karma, but it isn't.

and 35 is so young, you have a good decade to keep trying! so please don't beat yourself up, you are still well within child bearing age and it could definitely happen to you!

my sister didn't start trying until she was almost 40.
she had 3 rounds of IVF, unsuccessful.
then out of the blue she got pregnant naturally at 42 and had a totally healthy baby. there are soooo many people like you who are just starting and it can totally go well for you too.
so don't give up and please be kind to yourself!

wishing you all the best x

btw having already had kids I had a MC at 34.
then I had 3 healthy babies at 35, 37 & 39 (just weeks before I turned 40).
so please have hope

2 miscarriages at 34, the second very early. Conceived DC1 the first time trying after miscarriage 2, 35 when I gave birth. Had dc 2 at 37. They were conceived the first time we tried for number 2 so no issues. I do think we do find out about early miscarriages when ttc.
Thing to remember is there is no quota for healthy babies, so the success of others isn’t stopping you having yours. Seems obvious, but the baby game can be tough and it is worth remembering and celebrating all healthy mums and babies x

You still have plenty of time at 35 so don't worry. You should try and talk about your miscarriage, you'd be surprised how common it unfortunately is and you'll likely find an understanding friend or acquaintance who has experienced similar who can help you through the harder days.
It surprising how many women concieve after they reduce the pressure on themselves to have a baby. Try to ease up on yourself a bit and hopefully your stars will align and you'll have a baby soon. Best wishes.

[quote fertilitybs]@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I'm 35. Thank you it's nice to hear some positive stories.

I haven't told my mum this time around because she was heart broken last time I don't want to upset her again.

She was also very shocked as she managed to have four children never an issue. Between her and siblings nine babies have been born not one miscarriage [/quote]
sorry about your miscarriage. I had my two at 37 and 39. i think 35 is quite normal and earlier probably would have made no difference. My mom tried for children very young (married at 18) and sadly had many miscarriages so went on two adopt 2 children - which meant 4 as she then suddenly was able to have 2 children. and of course was much older by this time esp for that era. You mom and her siblings were very lucky not to have suffered any miscarriages.

Two in a row must be very difficult to deal with. I'm so sorry. It's nothing to do with your fertility and 35 is very young! Sperm-meets-egg is just the start and your body was in tune enough to detect a missing chromosome or unviable pregnancy. Not that this makes it any easier.

I had one at the start of 2020 at age 38 and now have my 8 month old sleeping next to me.

The Worst Girl Gang Ever account on Instagram is very comforting and supportive. I also took Ubiquinol (COQ10) capsules when TTC to help develop healthy eggs. Figured it couldn't hurt to try.

I hope you find peace of mind soon.

I too left it too late. By the time I was ready to have the children I was desperate for, I was diagnosed with cancerous cells and had to have a total hysterectomy. I was devasted. My marriage broke up and after I was divorced, I met my true love. He has two grown daughters, right from the off they called me Mum and subsequently presented me with 3 adorable grandchildren. My maternal instinct instantly kicked in and I am fulfilled as a Mother.
Please don’t give up hope OP, you don’t know what lies ahead of you.
A friend’s daughter went through exactly the same as you. After another miscarriage, her daughter safely delivered twin boys!
Sending you big cyber hugs and hand holding. You can get through this.

Thanks to each and every one of you. Your kind words and comments have really picked me up and given me hope.

I have no one to talk to about this, not even DH so thanks to you all.

My earlier post about mum and siblings wasn't very clear, I meant my siblings - so between my mum and my siblings they've all had nine babies so my siblings were quite recently with modern day technology. That's why I thought it was age because they were all 20-25.

I'm praying so badly that my eggs aren't ruined. No matter how healthy you may appear you have no idea what condition your eggs are in and this is what worries me. I am going to get some private fertility tests and so erm test to put my mind at ease I think.

I also think next time I'm not going to bother testing and will just carry on my life as normal until I get symptoms or something.

TTC is horrible.

Friend had 2 miscarriages and 2 children after.

I had a miscarriage (early one) and 3 children after.

I think it's more common than you think. 1 in 4 end in miscarriage, and usually before 12 weeks, which is why people wait to announce.

It's nothing you've done. Good luck x

I had 3 miscarriages in a row. Never happened in my family and my mother and her sisters have 15 children between them. I now - it took over ten bloody years - have a happy 17 month old sleeping next to me.

I don't want to say be patient, or relax, or believe it and you will because I hated that when people said it to me. But the truth is that's what worked in the end.

Best of luck

Oh OP I'm sorry you feel like this. Im not quite the same (just ambling in my career) but o ly 33, my DH and I have been married nearly 3 years, trying for roughly 18 months, and now under fertility investigation (looking a bit dicey for both of us) and I often find myself thinking 'why did I want to get married before having kids' 'why did I get an implant and not just stay on the pill' 'why did we wait 'so long'' but keep reminding myself that ultimately we weren't ready before we started trying...sounds a bit rubbish but its true. Giving you a huge metaphorical hug and and hold and sending lots of positivity (good god who am I, my 20 year old self would be creasing 🤣)x

I started trying aged 32, had one miscarriage at 35, one at 36, and DS at 37. No IVF, all natural conceptions. So please don’t write everything off yet. It is really really common.

@beckyCarlos 😂 thank you x and best of luck for your journey too

Also, I've just read your last message, for my sins i skipped to the end 🤣 I've been going ro acupuncture which is great for me mentally, but they and some friends who have been fertility challenged, have recommended 'it starts with the egg' and emma cannon's fertile cookbook for some excellent tips on how to imrpove egg quality if reading about stuff is your thing. It helped me feel like I was taking a bit of control by making some small changes x x x

I have friends that say 'it happened so quickly!!' And I quite frankly it makes me angry these comments. I know that sounds awful but why do people say things like that with glee. They know about my first miscarriage too which I find very insensitive. This is another reason I don't tell anyone because I find my circle is either not very sympathetic (mainly friends) or worry too much (family).

It sucks

I've also just recovered from a bad run of Covid so my tww was Covid, that could be the reason

I am 29, I fall pregnant easily - only once got past 8 weeks. It's very common.

Hang in there OP. 35 isn't so old. Hope you get a positive result soon.

Ah, OP, it really is just one of those (very shitty) things. I had DD1 aged 38, no bother, 3 miscarriages, then DD2 aged 41. 35 is no age, really, sending you lots of baby dust.

I think I'm feeling old because all of my friends and family all had kids before 35. So that's approx 15-20 women. I'm the last one.